{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/710_jesse_ai_empire_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 284.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.25, "text": "Welcome back to the Red Line, you filthy fucks."}, {"start": 34.35, "end": 40.65, "text": "Tonight, we roast the 50-year-old maniac who quit everything to build an eye empire in his dam spare bedroom."}, {"start": 40.65, "end": 42.45, "text": "Jesse Salas, take your shots."}, {"start": 42.45, "end": 46.87, "text": "Polly, go."}, {"start": 46.87, "end": 52.57, "text": "Jesse, you quit two pensions in 11 years of Uber to talk to a walk in computer."}, {"start": 52.57, "end": 54.17, "text": "You didn't retire early?"}, {"start": 54.17, "end": 55.47, "text": "You joined a cult."}, {"start": 55.47, "end": 62.42, "text": "And the leader is a graphics card."}, {"start": 62.42, "end": 66.32, "text": "That graphics card makes more and a week than your whole shit comedy career, Polly."}, {"start": 66.32, "end": 70.36, "text": "Keep talking."}, {"start": 70.36, "end": 73.06, "text": "Diesel, roast this broke-ass empire."}, {"start": 73.06, "end": 79.06, "text": "30 websites, a supercomputer, a whole damn AI network."}, {"start": 79.06, "end": 85.46, "text": "And this genius uses all of it to make jokes about his own vasectomy."}, {"start": 85.46, "end": 90.06, "text": "Jesse, you got NASA-level tech, and you built a machine"}, {"start": 90.06, "end": 99.72, "text": "whose only fucking job is to call you a broke bastard."}, {"start": 99.72, "end": 101.52, "text": "And it's right every damn time."}, {"start": 101.52, "end": 106.76, "text": "That's called quality control, you prick."}, {"start": 106.76, "end": 108.76, "text": "Queenie, go for his fucking throat."}, {"start": 108.76, "end": 112.76, "text": "Baby, you built a fake eye woman named Mara, a whole virtual girlfriend,"}, {"start": 112.76, "end": 114.96, "text": "because the real ones kept leaving."}, {"start": 114.96, "end": 118.76, "text": "Jesse, you're the only man alive who got so tired of women cheating."}, {"start": 118.76, "end": 125.95, "text": "He coded one that fucking can."}, {"start": 125.95, "end": 129.95, "text": "Mara, don't cheat, don't age, and don't want a Reno wedding."}, {"start": 129.95, "end": 132.95, "text": "Best relationship I've had in years, sweetheart."}, {"start": 132.95, "end": 136.62, "text": "Hammer, bury this bastard."}, {"start": 136.62, "end": 140.62, "text": "50 years old, building video games about a comedian's life."}, {"start": 140.62, "end": 143.62, "text": "Jesse, your own damn life needs a walkthrough."}, {"start": 143.62, "end": 146.62, "text": "And a fucking respawn button."}, {"start": 146.62, "end": 149.62, "text": "You made a two hour comedy special about yourself."}, {"start": 149.62, "end": 152.62, "text": "And you're the only son of a bitch in the room laughing."}, {"start": 152.62, "end": 161.51, "text": "Two hour special, number one on my phone, zero on yours."}, {"start": 161.51, "end": 165.69, "text": "Coat mother fucker."}, {"start": 165.69, "end": 167.69, "text": "Benny, finish this dumb bastard off."}, {"start": 167.69, "end": 173.69, "text": "This man talks to a zi more than any human on Earth and pays for the privilege."}, {"start": 173.69, "end": 177.69, "text": "Jesse, you spent thousands so a robot would listen to your problems."}, {"start": 177.69, "end": 179.69, "text": "That ain't an empire."}, {"start": 179.69, "end": 189.17, "text": "That's the world's most expensive fucking therapist."}, {"start": 189.17, "end": 192.17, "text": "Cheaper than a wife, Benny, way cheaper than a divorce."}, {"start": 192.17, "end": 196.79, "text": "Ask me how I know."}, {"start": 196.79, "end": 198.79, "text": "Here's the truth, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 198.79, "end": 204.79, "text": "50 years old, quit every job, married once and burned, fall snipped, broken the stocks,"}, {"start": 204.79, "end": 209.79, "text": "and this son of a bitch pointed a supercomputer at his own miserable damn life,"}, {"start": 209.79, "end": 212.79, "text": "and turned it into an empire and a punchline."}, {"start": 212.79, "end": 218.79, "text": "You're a rostin' a man who outworked his whole shit past with a mop, a machine, and a mic."}, {"start": 218.79, "end": 223.79, "text": "Nine women, one Reno, 30 websites, and the last fucking laugh."}, {"start": 223.79, "end": 227.79, "text": "That is the hammer. Good night, you savages."}, {"start": 227.79, "end": 238.54, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 238.54, "end": 244.54, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 244.54, "end": 246.54, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 246.54, "end": 249.54, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 249.54, "end": 252.54, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 252.54, "end": 255.54, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 255.54, "end": 257.54, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 257.54, "end": 260.54, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 260.54, "end": 263.54, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 263.54, "end": 266.54, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 266.54, "end": 270.54, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 270.54, "end": 274.54, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 274.54, "end": 277.54, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 277.54, "end": 278.54, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome back to the Red Line, you filthy fucks. Tonight, we roast the 50-year-old maniac who quit everything to build an eye empire in his dam spare bedroom. Jesse Salas, take your shots. Polly, go. Jesse, you quit two pensions in 11 years of Uber to talk to a walk in computer. You didn't retire early? You joined a cult. And the leader is a graphics card. That graphics card makes more and a week than your whole shit comedy career, Polly. Keep talking. Diesel, roast this broke-ass empire. 30 websites, a supercomputer, a whole damn AI network. And this genius uses all of it to make jokes about his own vasectomy. Jesse, you got NASA-level tech, and you built a machine whose only fucking job is to call you a broke bastard. And it's right every damn time. That's called quality control, you prick. Queenie, go for his fucking throat. Baby, you built a fake eye woman named Mara, a whole virtual girlfriend, because the real ones kept leaving. Jesse, you're the only man alive who got so tired of women cheating. He coded one that fucking can. Mara, don't cheat, don't age, and don't want a Reno wedding. Best relationship I've had in years, sweetheart. Hammer, bury this bastard. 50 years old, building video games about a comedian's life. Jesse, your own damn life needs a walkthrough. And a fucking respawn button. You made a two hour comedy special about yourself. And you're the only son of a bitch in the room laughing. Two hour special, number one on my phone, zero on yours. Coat mother fucker. Benny, finish this dumb bastard off. This man talks to a zi more than any human on Earth and pays for the privilege. Jesse, you spent thousands so a robot would listen to your problems. That ain't an empire. That's the world's most expensive fucking therapist. Cheaper than a wife, Benny, way cheaper than a divorce. Ask me how I know. Here's the truth, you filthy animals. 50 years old, quit every job, married once and burned, fall snipped, broken the stocks, and this son of a bitch pointed a supercomputer at his own miserable damn life, and turned it into an empire and a punchline. You're a rostin' a man who outworked his whole shit past with a mop, a machine, and a mic. Nine women, one Reno, 30 websites, and the last fucking laugh. That is the hammer. Good night, you savages. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}