{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/709_jesse_hosts_own_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 292.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 8.38, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.38, "end": 11.38, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.38, "end": 15.98, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.98, "end": 19.18, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.18, "end": 21.78, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.78, "end": 23.78, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.78, "end": 25.38, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.38, "end": 26.78, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.78, "end": 28.18, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 34.58, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line, you filthy mother fuckers,"}, {"start": 34.58, "end": 37.58, "text": "and tonight's special, because this is my open mic"}, {"start": 37.58, "end": 39.58, "text": "and you clowns showed up to roast me."}, {"start": 39.58, "end": 43.78, "text": "Jesse Salis, 50 years old, richer in dogs than dollars,"}, {"start": 43.78, "end": 50.4, "text": "take your best shot, I'll bury every one of you."}, {"start": 50.4, "end": 52.8, "text": "First up, the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn."}, {"start": 52.8, "end": 56.93, "text": "Paulie, let's fucking hear it."}, {"start": 56.93, "end": 59.33, "text": "Jesse, 50 years old."}, {"start": 59.33, "end": 63.53, "text": "No wife, no kids, three dogs."}, {"start": 63.53, "end": 65.13, "text": "You didn't build a family."}, {"start": 65.13, "end": 68.33, "text": "You built the fucking petting zoo for your loneliness."}, {"start": 68.33, "end": 77.11, "text": "You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman."}, {"start": 77.11, "end": 80.31, "text": "Cute, Paulie, you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday,"}, {"start": 80.31, "end": 82.91, "text": "and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money"}, {"start": 82.91, "end": 84.51, "text": "than your whole shit tour."}, {"start": 84.51, "end": 86.51, "text": "Sit the fuck down."}, {"start": 86.51, "end": 92.97, "text": "All right, the queen of no mercy, Queenie roast my ass."}, {"start": 92.97, "end": 95.97, "text": "Baby, nine women wanted to marry you, and you said no."}, {"start": 95.97, "end": 100.17, "text": "But the one time you said yes, you ran to Reno like a damn fugitive"}, {"start": 100.17, "end": 102.37, "text": "and it blew up in your face."}, {"start": 102.37, "end": 104.37, "text": "Jesse, you're not scared of marriage,"}, {"start": 104.37, "end": 105.37, "text": "sweetie."}, {"start": 105.37, "end": 112.0, "text": "You're just fucking terrible at it."}, {"start": 112.0, "end": 113.6, "text": "Damn right, I ran to Reno."}, {"start": 113.6, "end": 116.0, "text": "Young, dumb, and stupid in love."}, {"start": 116.0, "end": 117.0, "text": "She cheated."}, {"start": 117.0, "end": 120.2, "text": "I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs."}, {"start": 120.2, "end": 121.9, "text": "And I've done both sweetheart."}, {"start": 121.9, "end": 123.8, "text": "You know why I never married again?"}, {"start": 123.8, "end": 131.38, "text": "Because I'm not a slow fucking learner."}, {"start": 131.38, "end": 133.58, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing."}, {"start": 133.58, "end": 134.58, "text": "Diesel."}, {"start": 134.58, "end": 139.38, "text": "One marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters."}, {"start": 139.38, "end": 141.98, "text": "Jesse, your longest committed relationship"}, {"start": 141.98, "end": 144.08, "text": "is with a damn mop."}, {"start": 144.08, "end": 147.98, "text": "You got your heart broke so bad, you swore off the whole gender,"}, {"start": 147.98, "end": 155.5, "text": "and started dating a graphics card."}, {"start": 155.5, "end": 157.6, "text": "The mop never cheated on me, Diesel."}, {"start": 157.6, "end": 160.5, "text": "The mop shows up every damn day, does the job,"}, {"start": 160.5, "end": 162.9, "text": "and never once asked me for a ring."}, {"start": 162.9, "end": 172.6, "text": "I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 172.6, "end": 174.7, "text": "Ring the heavy hitter, hammer."}, {"start": 174.7, "end": 176.4, "text": "50, divorced."}, {"start": 176.4, "end": 178.0, "text": "Ball snipped at 23."}, {"start": 178.1, "end": 181.1, "text": "Lost your damn retirement in the stock market."}, {"start": 181.1, "end": 184.0, "text": "Jesse, your whole shit life is a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 184.0, "end": 186.1, "text": "with a fucking supercomputer."}, {"start": 186.1, "end": 188.9, "text": "The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long term"}, {"start": 188.9, "end": 196.66, "text": "is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment."}, {"start": 196.66, "end": 199.86, "text": "And yet here you all are on a Saturday night"}, {"start": 199.86, "end": 202.76, "text": "spending your one damn life laughing at mine."}, {"start": 202.76, "end": 205.66, "text": "I got married once, got my heart ripped clean out,"}, {"start": 205.66, "end": 208.06, "text": "got back the fuck up, and built an empire"}, {"start": 208.06, "end": 209.86, "text": "out of a toilet brush in a machine."}, {"start": 209.86, "end": 212.06, "text": "And you roast me for surviving?"}, {"start": 217.54, "end": 219.94, "text": "I've been in love since I was 14."}, {"start": 219.94, "end": 223.84, "text": "Married once, divorced once, snipped, dumped, broke,"}, {"start": 223.84, "end": 225.74, "text": "and rebuilt from fucking nothing."}, {"start": 225.74, "end": 228.74, "text": "And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club"}, {"start": 228.74, "end": 232.14, "text": "in the desert, nine women, one Reno disaster,"}, {"start": 232.14, "end": 234.54, "text": "three dogs, and the last damn laugh."}, {"start": 234.54, "end": 238.14, "text": "That is the hammer, good night you savages."}, {"start": 244.48, "end": 246.88, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 246.88, "end": 251.08, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 251.08, "end": 255.08, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 255.08, "end": 258.08, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down,"}, {"start": 258.08, "end": 261.68, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up,"}, {"start": 261.68, "end": 264.18, "text": "freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 264.18, "end": 266.18, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 266.18, "end": 269.68, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 269.68, "end": 271.98, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 271.98, "end": 275.58, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 275.58, "end": 278.48, "text": "before the dark winds, the red line comedy club,"}, {"start": 278.48, "end": 281.08, "text": "open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 281.08, "end": 283.58, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 283.58, "end": 286.08, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 286.08, "end": 287.08, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line, you filthy mother fuckers, and tonight's special, because this is my open mic and you clowns showed up to roast me. Jesse Salis, 50 years old, richer in dogs than dollars, take your best shot, I'll bury every one of you. First up, the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn. Paulie, let's fucking hear it. Jesse, 50 years old. No wife, no kids, three dogs. You didn't build a family. You built the fucking petting zoo for your loneliness. You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman. Cute, Paulie, you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday, and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money than your whole shit tour. Sit the fuck down. All right, the queen of no mercy, Queenie roast my ass. Baby, nine women wanted to marry you, and you said no. But the one time you said yes, you ran to Reno like a damn fugitive and it blew up in your face. Jesse, you're not scared of marriage, sweetie. You're just fucking terrible at it. Damn right, I ran to Reno. Young, dumb, and stupid in love. She cheated. I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs. And I've done both sweetheart. You know why I never married again? Because I'm not a slow fucking learner. Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing. Diesel. One marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters. Jesse, your longest committed relationship is with a damn mop. You got your heart broke so bad, you swore off the whole gender, and started dating a graphics card. The mop never cheated on me, Diesel. The mop shows up every damn day, does the job, and never once asked me for a ring. I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards. Ring the heavy hitter, hammer. 50, divorced. Ball snipped at 23. Lost your damn retirement in the stock market. Jesse, your whole shit life is a cautionary tale with a fucking supercomputer. The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long term is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment. And yet here you all are on a Saturday night spending your one damn life laughing at mine. I got married once, got my heart ripped clean out, got back the fuck up, and built an empire out of a toilet brush in a machine. And you roast me for surviving? I've been in love since I was 14. Married once, divorced once, snipped, dumped, broke, and rebuilt from fucking nothing. And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club in the desert, nine women, one Reno disaster, three dogs, and the last damn laugh. That is the hammer, good night you savages. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down, 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}