{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/708_jesse_truth_marriage.mp3", "duration_sec": 261.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 21.64, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.64, "end": 28.14, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 39.15, "text": "People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married. Sit the fuck down because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you."}, {"start": 39.15, "end": 52.87, "text": "Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things, a big ass wedding, kids, and me to pay for all of it. That's not a relationship, that's a fucking go-fun me with tits."}, {"start": 52.87, "end": 66.96, "text": "They want the fairy tale, and they want you to finance it. And then, just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet."}, {"start": 66.96, "end": 85.96, "text": "And listen, I love being in love. When it's good, it's the best shit on Earth. I'm all fucking in. But there's always that one day she gets upset. And you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon, jealousy, rage, crying, throwing shit, and out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday."}, {"start": 85.96, "end": 88.96, "text": "I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism."}, {"start": 88.96, "end": 107.98, "text": "Here's the math, nobody tells you boys. Marriage is the only contract on Earth where you pay for the party, and then you pay again when the fucking party's over."}, {"start": 107.98, "end": 115.98, "text": "Divorce, Alamoney, Child Support, I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house I ain't even allowed to sleep in."}, {"start": 115.98, "end": 129.19, "text": "Nah, I did 30 years of wedding photography. I've seen how this shit movie ends, and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat."}, {"start": 129.19, "end": 137.85, "text": "But 43, I bought my own house, my name, my money, no lawyer walking off with half my shit."}, {"start": 137.85, "end": 147.85, "text": "I got a vasectomy at 23, child-proofed my ass, before I even owned a damn couch. You know how big your balls gotta be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23?"}, {"start": 147.85, "end": 152.85, "text": "I looked at my own future kids and went, nah, we're fucking good."}, {"start": 152.85, "end": 166.07, "text": "And people go, Jesse, don't you get lonely? Lonely? I got three dogs, a paid-off house, and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep."}, {"start": 166.07, "end": 171.07, "text": "My house has never once asked me for a ring, and it damn sure never cheated."}, {"start": 171.07, "end": 182.58, "text": "I love women, I really fucking do. I just love them from a house they can't put a damn lean on."}, {"start": 182.58, "end": 189.7, "text": "Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife, no wedding, no kids."}, {"start": 189.7, "end": 194.7, "text": "Meanwhile, half of them are divorced, broke, and paying for a life they don't even live in."}, {"start": 194.7, "end": 204.7, "text": "And me, 50, free, paid-off, three dogs, and laughing my ass off. That ain't the loser, baby. That's the hammer. Good night, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 204.7, "end": 224.25, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour, of every single day. A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 224.25, "end": 233.25, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 233.25, "end": 239.25, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 239.25, "end": 245.25, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 245.25, "end": 253.25, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 253.25, "end": 256.25, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married. Sit the fuck down because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you. Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things, a big ass wedding, kids, and me to pay for all of it. That's not a relationship, that's a fucking go-fun me with tits. They want the fairy tale, and they want you to finance it. And then, just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet. And listen, I love being in love. When it's good, it's the best shit on Earth. I'm all fucking in. But there's always that one day she gets upset. And you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon, jealousy, rage, crying, throwing shit, and out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday. I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism. Here's the math, nobody tells you boys. Marriage is the only contract on Earth where you pay for the party, and then you pay again when the fucking party's over. Divorce, Alamoney, Child Support, I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house I ain't even allowed to sleep in. Nah, I did 30 years of wedding photography. I've seen how this shit movie ends, and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat. But 43, I bought my own house, my name, my money, no lawyer walking off with half my shit. I got a vasectomy at 23, child-proofed my ass, before I even owned a damn couch. You know how big your balls gotta be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23? I looked at my own future kids and went, nah, we're fucking good. And people go, Jesse, don't you get lonely? Lonely? I got three dogs, a paid-off house, and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep. My house has never once asked me for a ring, and it damn sure never cheated. I love women, I really fucking do. I just love them from a house they can't put a damn lean on. Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife, no wedding, no kids. Meanwhile, half of them are divorced, broke, and paying for a life they don't even live in. And me, 50, free, paid-off, three dogs, and laughing my ass off. That ain't the loser, baby. That's the hammer. Good night, you filthy animals. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour, of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}