{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/707_wedding_photographer_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 288.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 19.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale, this is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him, it did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 41.15, "text": "Saturday night at the Red Line, you filthy motherfuckers. Tonight, we roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run."}, {"start": 41.15, "end": 46.15, "text": "Give it up for Jesse, I love women, I just can't keep one. Salas."}, {"start": 46.15, "end": 54.84, "text": "30 years behind a camera, zero years behind a damn altar, throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony."}, {"start": 57.47, "end": 62.47, "text": "30 years shooting weddings and this genius? Still can't get married."}, {"start": 62.47, "end": 71.47, "text": "Jesse, your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer, and you. Still shit yourself when a woman says, we should talk."}, {"start": 71.47, "end": 80.24, "text": "The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet."}, {"start": 80.24, "end": 86.24, "text": "He shot 500 couples swearing forever, then photographed half those pricks getting divorced."}, {"start": 86.24, "end": 91.24, "text": "Jesse ain't scared of commitment, he's got fucking wedding PTSD."}, {"start": 91.24, "end": 95.24, "text": "You hear first dance, and your broke ass hits the floor for cover."}, {"start": 95.24, "end": 104.56, "text": "Baby, you love women, but you can't keep one, that's not a personality sweetie."}, {"start": 104.56, "end": 109.56, "text": "That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over."}, {"start": 109.56, "end": 122.41, "text": "Never even had the money for his own wedding. 30 years photograph in other people's open bars, and he's home alone, suckin' down the shit well vodka."}, {"start": 123.41, "end": 128.41, "text": "Jesse, you're the wedding singer, if the wedding singer fucking hated love."}, {"start": 128.41, "end": 140.35, "text": "He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time. Honey, we don't turn. We just finally see your sorry ass clearly."}, {"start": 140.35, "end": 146.35, "text": "30 years behind a camera, and the one damn face you never learn to read was your own, you prick."}, {"start": 146.35, "end": 161.96, "text": "50 first kisses, 500 open bars, and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a Tesla lease, and a fucking vasectomy."}, {"start": 161.96, "end": 164.96, "text": "Jesse, you didn't fall out of love."}, {"start": 164.96, "end": 173.89, "text": "You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah, I'm good."}, {"start": 173.89, "end": 180.89, "text": "50 years old, shot every wedding in Sacramento, and the only aisle your ass will ever walk down is the clean and supplies at Costco."}, {"start": 181.89, "end": 187.89, "text": "Jesse, you'll die single, but damn those toilets will be fucking spotless."}, {"start": 187.89, "end": 197.78, "text": "Knock out, the whole room left him at the damn altar, alone, like every woman before him."}, {"start": 197.78, "end": 211.64, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth you savages, this man watched Love Catch Fire and burned to the fucking ground 500 times through a lens, and it scared the hell out of him."}, {"start": 212.64, "end": 222.92, "text": "So he never got the wedding, never got the wife, never got the money for the big day, but he's still out here loving women, still laughing, still standing."}, {"start": 222.92, "end": 233.92, "text": "Nine said no, 500 marriages died, and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire, and a damn punchline, that's the hammer, good night you filthy animals."}, {"start": 234.92, "end": 260.01, "text": "And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up, and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 261.01, "end": 266.01, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 266.01, "end": 280.01, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh, before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night, because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 280.01, "end": 283.01, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale, this is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him, it did not take. Saturday night at the Red Line, you filthy motherfuckers. Tonight, we roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run. Give it up for Jesse, I love women, I just can't keep one. Salas. 30 years behind a camera, zero years behind a damn altar, throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony. 30 years shooting weddings and this genius? Still can't get married. Jesse, your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer, and you. Still shit yourself when a woman says, we should talk. The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet. He shot 500 couples swearing forever, then photographed half those pricks getting divorced. Jesse ain't scared of commitment, he's got fucking wedding PTSD. You hear first dance, and your broke ass hits the floor for cover. Baby, you love women, but you can't keep one, that's not a personality sweetie. That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over. Never even had the money for his own wedding. 30 years photograph in other people's open bars, and he's home alone, suckin' down the shit well vodka. Jesse, you're the wedding singer, if the wedding singer fucking hated love. He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time. Honey, we don't turn. We just finally see your sorry ass clearly. 30 years behind a camera, and the one damn face you never learn to read was your own, you prick. 50 first kisses, 500 open bars, and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a Tesla lease, and a fucking vasectomy. Jesse, you didn't fall out of love. You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah, I'm good. 50 years old, shot every wedding in Sacramento, and the only aisle your ass will ever walk down is the clean and supplies at Costco. Jesse, you'll die single, but damn those toilets will be fucking spotless. Knock out, the whole room left him at the damn altar, alone, like every woman before him. But here's the truth under all the filth you savages, this man watched Love Catch Fire and burned to the fucking ground 500 times through a lens, and it scared the hell out of him. So he never got the wedding, never got the wife, never got the money for the big day, but he's still out here loving women, still laughing, still standing. Nine said no, 500 marriages died, and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire, and a damn punchline, that's the hammer, good night you filthy animals. And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up, and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up, going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh, before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night, because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}