{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/706_rematch_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 278.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 32.18, "end": 43.22, "text": "Saturday night, the rematch, last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back. Give it up for the man himself, Jesse."}, {"start": 43.22, "end": 53.22, "text": "Alright alright, you filthy fucks last round was cute. But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket. Do your fucking worst."}, {"start": 56.22, "end": 63.22, "text": "Oh he's talking shit now, big mistake Jesse. The whole room turns on your ass, men and women, no mercy. Deakin open this prick up."}, {"start": 64.22, "end": 80.22, "text": "An empire. Jesse you got 30 websites and a supercomputer and you use all of it to make fart jokes about your own vasectomy. You didn't build Silicon Valley you dumbass. You built a $5,000 machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone."}, {"start": 80.22, "end": 96.42, "text": "This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month. Fought high, sold his damn soul, and now he's back scrubbing toilets to fund a comedy career nobody fucking asked for."}, {"start": 96.42, "end": 101.42, "text": "Jesse, you're the only 50 year old whose 401tk is a damn swiffer."}, {"start": 101.42, "end": 118.09, "text": "Baby you came back for more? Sweety you smoked, you drink, you scrub shit for a living and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch. You're a fucking warning label."}, {"start": 118.09, "end": 132.04, "text": "Kicked out a high school, got a gig, quit every damn job you ever had. Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written 11 different ways. You didn't retire early you prick."}, {"start": 133.04, "end": 144.9, "text": "You got fired by life and called it entrepreneurship. He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman."}, {"start": 144.9, "end": 151.9, "text": "And honey, even the computer's starting to pull away. Even the A swipe left Jesse."}, {"start": 151.9, "end": 170.38, "text": "50 years old, three dogs, no wife, no kids, arm deep in a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning. And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes, yeah, I'm the prize."}, {"start": 170.38, "end": 176.38, "text": "Jesse, the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself."}, {"start": 176.38, "end": 191.42, "text": "Okay that one fucking hurt. Knock out, the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag."}, {"start": 191.42, "end": 205.06, "text": "But here's the truth, you filthy animals, broke, snipped, dumped by nine women and a robot. And this son of a bitch still grabbed the mic, ate every punch and laughed his ass off."}, {"start": 205.06, "end": 223.97, "text": "That's the whole damn secret. Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart. He wins because he's the only motherfucker alive who let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him and then say again, the hammer, good night you savages."}, {"start": 223.97, "end": 241.11, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 241.11, "end": 252.11, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 252.11, "end": 261.11, "text": "Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 261.11, "end": 270.11, "text": "Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 270.11, "end": 273.11, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Saturday night, the rematch, last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back. Give it up for the man himself, Jesse. Alright alright, you filthy fucks last round was cute. But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket. Do your fucking worst. Oh he's talking shit now, big mistake Jesse. The whole room turns on your ass, men and women, no mercy. Deakin open this prick up. An empire. Jesse you got 30 websites and a supercomputer and you use all of it to make fart jokes about your own vasectomy. You didn't build Silicon Valley you dumbass. You built a $5,000 machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone. This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month. Fought high, sold his damn soul, and now he's back scrubbing toilets to fund a comedy career nobody fucking asked for. Jesse, you're the only 50 year old whose 401tk is a damn swiffer. Baby you came back for more? Sweety you smoked, you drink, you scrub shit for a living and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch. You're a fucking warning label. Kicked out a high school, got a gig, quit every damn job you ever had. Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written 11 different ways. You didn't retire early you prick. You got fired by life and called it entrepreneurship. He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman. And honey, even the computer's starting to pull away. Even the A swipe left Jesse. 50 years old, three dogs, no wife, no kids, arm deep in a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning. And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes, yeah, I'm the prize. Jesse, the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself. Okay that one fucking hurt. Knock out, the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag. But here's the truth, you filthy animals, broke, snipped, dumped by nine women and a robot. And this son of a bitch still grabbed the mic, ate every punch and laughed his ass off. That's the whole damn secret. Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart. He wins because he's the only motherfucker alive who let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him and then say again, the hammer, good night you savages. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}