{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/705_males_vs_females_roast.mp3", "duration_sec": 322.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 19.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 41.25, "text": "Saturday night at the Red Line, you filthy motherfuckers, open mic night and tonight it's war. The men versus the women and the punch and bag is Jesse fucking salas."}, {"start": 41.25, "end": 53.13, "text": "Battle of the damn sexes, one broke ass target, no mercy, no fucking limits. Men go first. Brooklyn, throw the first punch, you prick, Paulie."}, {"start": 53.13, "end": 59.79, "text": "Jesse, 50 years old. Three dogs, no kids."}, {"start": 59.79, "end": 68.79, "text": "You got your ball snipped at 23. You didn't child-proof your house, you dumbass. You child-proofed your whole fucking bloodline."}, {"start": 68.79, "end": 74.79, "text": "Ladies, don't get wet. The factories been closed since before half your asses were born."}, {"start": 74.79, "end": 88.34, "text": "Nine women asked this pricked a marium and he said no. Nine fucking times. That ain't standards my guy. That's a restraining order with commitment issues."}, {"start": 88.34, "end": 92.34, "text": "He drives three Teslas but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar."}, {"start": 97.46, "end": 103.46, "text": "He scrubs shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO."}, {"start": 103.46, "end": 112.58, "text": "Jesse, the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next."}, {"start": 112.58, "end": 121.58, "text": "Oh, the men came loud. Now the women, ladies, he said no to nine of you. Make this bastard pay. Brooklyn's filthy as queen, queenie."}, {"start": 125.36, "end": 136.36, "text": "Baby, you turned down nine women? Honey, we didn't lose. We fucking dodged. A 50-year-old man with a mop of a sectiment and a robot in the spare bedroom. Sweetie."}, {"start": 136.36, "end": 140.36, "text": "The only thing your ass has ever gone down on is your credit score."}, {"start": 140.36, "end": 156.74, "text": "Nine of us walked and this genius blames us. Jesse, you didn't have commitment issues. You had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry-ass clearly."}, {"start": 156.74, "end": 168.66, "text": "Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do."}, {"start": 168.66, "end": 182.66, "text": "You put a supercomputer in his bedroom because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night. Jesse, that machine seen more action than your mattress. And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did."}, {"start": 182.66, "end": 183.66, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 183.66, "end": 191.9, "text": "Oh, the women are up by a mile. Men, hit back. The closer Eddie."}, {"start": 191.9, "end": 200.9, "text": "Ladies, ladies. You didn't dodge shit. Nine of you wanted this broke bastard. A man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment."}, {"start": 200.9, "end": 206.9, "text": "You weren't too good for Jesse, you liars. You were in line for him. All nine of you."}, {"start": 206.9, "end": 215.7, "text": "The women's knockout. Anti finished this motherfucker."}, {"start": 215.7, "end": 223.7, "text": "Honey, we stood in that line once. Saw a 50-year-old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet, talking to a computer. And we ran like our asses were on fire."}, {"start": 223.7, "end": 229.7, "text": "Jesse, you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn vasectomy."}, {"start": 229.7, "end": 243.51, "text": "It's over, and the women take it. You filthy bastards. Nine of them said no, and they're still kicking his ass."}, {"start": 243.51, "end": 259.26, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth. Nine women walked. The factories closed. The damn mobs still wet. And this son of a bitch took all of it and built a whole fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a supercomputer."}, {"start": 259.26, "end": 274.64, "text": "Men lost, women won, but Jesse gets the last damn laugh. Because every one of you spent your Saturday night laughing your ass off at the hammer. Good night, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 274.64, "end": 284.64, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes. Every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 284.64, "end": 293.64, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 293.64, "end": 305.64, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 305.64, "end": 316.64, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Saturday night at the Red Line, you filthy motherfuckers, open mic night and tonight it's war. The men versus the women and the punch and bag is Jesse fucking salas. Battle of the damn sexes, one broke ass target, no mercy, no fucking limits. Men go first. Brooklyn, throw the first punch, you prick, Paulie. Jesse, 50 years old. Three dogs, no kids. You got your ball snipped at 23. You didn't child-proof your house, you dumbass. You child-proofed your whole fucking bloodline. Ladies, don't get wet. The factories been closed since before half your asses were born. Nine women asked this pricked a marium and he said no. Nine fucking times. That ain't standards my guy. That's a restraining order with commitment issues. He drives three Teslas but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar. He scrubs shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO. Jesse, the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next. Oh, the men came loud. Now the women, ladies, he said no to nine of you. Make this bastard pay. Brooklyn's filthy as queen, queenie. Baby, you turned down nine women? Honey, we didn't lose. We fucking dodged. A 50-year-old man with a mop of a sectiment and a robot in the spare bedroom. Sweetie. The only thing your ass has ever gone down on is your credit score. Nine of us walked and this genius blames us. Jesse, you didn't have commitment issues. You had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry-ass clearly. Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do. You put a supercomputer in his bedroom because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night. Jesse, that machine seen more action than your mattress. And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did. Oh! Oh, the women are up by a mile. Men, hit back. The closer Eddie. Ladies, ladies. You didn't dodge shit. Nine of you wanted this broke bastard. A man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment. You weren't too good for Jesse, you liars. You were in line for him. All nine of you. The women's knockout. Anti finished this motherfucker. Honey, we stood in that line once. Saw a 50-year-old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet, talking to a computer. And we ran like our asses were on fire. Jesse, you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn vasectomy. It's over, and the women take it. You filthy bastards. Nine of them said no, and they're still kicking his ass. But here's the truth under all the filth. Nine women walked. The factories closed. The damn mobs still wet. And this son of a bitch took all of it and built a whole fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a supercomputer. Men lost, women won, but Jesse gets the last damn laugh. Because every one of you spent your Saturday night laughing your ass off at the hammer. Good night, you filthy animals. And that is our show. But the red line never closes. Every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}