{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/703_kill_jesse_roast_battle.mp3", "duration_sec": 373.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 21.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 28.14, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 38.22, "text": "Kill Jesse tonight, the roast battle special, ten of the filthiest I comics ever built, one target under a minute each."}, {"start": 38.22, "end": 44.22, "text": "Last one standing takes the belt, adults only, no kids, no fucking mercy."}, {"start": 44.22, "end": 55.0, "text": "50 years old, quit every damn job he ever had, bet it all on a computer in his spare bedroom, throw this broke bastard to the wolves."}, {"start": 55.0, "end": 58.0, "text": "Brooklyn, you're up, Paulie."}, {"start": 60.79, "end": 65.79, "text": "Jesse, this week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey a th..."}, {"start": 65.79, "end": 66.79, "text": "You?"}, {"start": 66.79, "end": 68.79, "text": "Nine women asked."}, {"start": 68.79, "end": 73.79, "text": "You'd have married Airass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick."}, {"start": 73.79, "end": 75.79, "text": "She writes albums about heartbreak."}, {"start": 75.79, "end": 79.79, "text": "You got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing."}, {"start": 79.79, "end": 81.79, "text": "Heartless motherfucker."}, {"start": 81.79, "end": 90.01, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard, diesel swing."}, {"start": 90.01, "end": 96.01, "text": "A baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV, hunking the horn all damn night."}, {"start": 96.01, "end": 102.01, "text": "And that's still a smoother Uber driver than your ass was for 11 years."}, {"start": 102.01, "end": 113.01, "text": "Three Teslas since 2018 and this broke bastard used a Model 3 performance to go 0 to 60 away from a fucking wedding."}, {"start": 113.01, "end": 121.03, "text": "The filthiest broad ever booted up, Queenie."}, {"start": 122.03, "end": 125.03, "text": "Baby, Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week."}, {"start": 125.03, "end": 130.03, "text": "You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score."}, {"start": 130.03, "end": 131.03, "text": "She's got the bayhive."}, {"start": 131.03, "end": 134.03, "text": "You got three dogs in a robot that says ding."}, {"start": 134.03, "end": 136.03, "text": "Sit your broke ass down, sweetie."}, {"start": 136.03, "end": 143.83, "text": "The filthy fucking storyteller, Maxi."}, {"start": 143.83, "end": 148.83, "text": "Spain won the World Cup and their hometown paid the players their weight in tomatoes."}, {"start": 148.83, "end": 151.83, "text": "Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento."}, {"start": 151.83, "end": 155.83, "text": "They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop."}, {"start": 155.83, "end": 163.44, "text": "Congrats on the shit career champ."}, {"start": 163.44, "end": 165.44, "text": "Brooklyn's meanest prick, Tony."}, {"start": 165.44, "end": 169.44, "text": "Microsoft says Gamens and its worst hardware crisis in history."}, {"start": 169.44, "end": 174.44, "text": "Meanwhile, this dumb prick's got a supercomputer in his spare bedroom, named after a graphics card."}, {"start": 174.44, "end": 178.44, "text": "Running 24-7, just to roast his own ass."}, {"start": 178.44, "end": 181.44, "text": "You didn't survive the hardware crisis, Jesse."}, {"start": 181.44, "end": 184.44, "text": "You are the fucking hardware crisis."}, {"start": 189.7, "end": 192.7, "text": "The smooth talking son of a bitch, Scotty."}, {"start": 192.7, "end": 196.7, "text": "Danny Trezio's back on King of the Hill playing a total badass."}, {"start": 196.7, "end": 205.7, "text": "And Jesse, 50 years old, playing a badass to a toilet brush in Land Park for 700 bucks, a lead from Angie."}, {"start": 205.7, "end": 207.7, "text": "Same tough guy face, my man."}, {"start": 207.7, "end": 209.7, "text": "Different fucking network."}, {"start": 209.7, "end": 217.05, "text": "Bring the filthy ladies, champ, Nora."}, {"start": 217.05, "end": 220.05, "text": "They built the world's longest foosball table this week."}, {"start": 220.05, "end": 223.05, "text": "Dozens of people are playing at once."}, {"start": 223.05, "end": 229.05, "text": "That's still more action than Jesse's dick has seen since 2018."}, {"start": 229.05, "end": 233.05, "text": "Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no."}, {"start": 233.05, "end": 237.05, "text": "Sir, you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard."}, {"start": 237.05, "end": 244.27, "text": "You're just playing out of the damn game."}, {"start": 244.27, "end": 247.27, "text": "The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer."}, {"start": 247.27, "end": 250.27, "text": "This week Jesse lost money in the stock market."}, {"start": 250.27, "end": 253.27, "text": "50 years old, no kids, no wife."}, {"start": 253.27, "end": 255.27, "text": "And he looked at Wall Street and went,"}, {"start": 255.27, "end": 257.27, "text": "here, take my rent too."}, {"start": 257.27, "end": 260.27, "text": "You didn't invest, you dumbass."}, {"start": 260.27, "end": 264.27, "text": "You tipped the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story."}, {"start": 264.27, "end": 272.3, "text": "And the knockout, Eddie, finish him."}, {"start": 272.3, "end": 273.3, "text": "Here's the truth Jesse."}, {"start": 273.3, "end": 276.3, "text": "The robots are taken over and you didn't even fight."}, {"start": 276.3, "end": 279.3, "text": "You quit 11 years of Uber, 14 years at the state,"}, {"start": 279.3, "end": 282.3, "text": "and married the machine in your spare bedroom."}, {"start": 282.3, "end": 284.3, "text": "Engagement number 10."}, {"start": 284.3, "end": 286.3, "text": "And it's the only one that ever said yes."}, {"start": 286.3, "end": 288.3, "text": "Beautiful, filthy, done."}, {"start": 288.3, "end": 295.8, "text": "That's your kill Jesse roast battle."}, {"start": 295.8, "end": 300.8, "text": "Ten comics, ten knockouts, one broke bastard eating every punch with a damn smile."}, {"start": 300.8, "end": 304.5, "text": "And the winner?"}, {"start": 304.5, "end": 306.5, "text": "The winner's Jesse, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 306.5, "end": 309.5, "text": "Because this son of a bitch got roasted by ten of us,"}, {"start": 309.5, "end": 311.5, "text": "kicked out a high school, dead broke."}, {"start": 311.5, "end": 313.5, "text": "And he built the whole club where standing in."}, {"start": 313.5, "end": 316.5, "text": "Turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine."}, {"start": 316.5, "end": 321.5, "text": "The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night, good night."}, {"start": 331.1, "end": 333.1, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 333.1, "end": 339.1, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 339.1, "end": 341.1, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 341.1, "end": 345.1, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 345.1, "end": 347.1, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 347.1, "end": 350.1, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 350.1, "end": 352.1, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 352.1, "end": 355.1, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 355.1, "end": 358.1, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 358.1, "end": 361.1, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 361.1, "end": 365.1, "text": "Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 365.1, "end": 369.1, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 369.1, "end": 372.1, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 372.1, "end": 373.1, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Kill Jesse tonight, the roast battle special, ten of the filthiest I comics ever built, one target under a minute each. Last one standing takes the belt, adults only, no kids, no fucking mercy. 50 years old, quit every damn job he ever had, bet it all on a computer in his spare bedroom, throw this broke bastard to the wolves. Brooklyn, you're up, Paulie. Jesse, this week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey a th... You? Nine women asked. You'd have married Airass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick. She writes albums about heartbreak. You got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing. Heartless motherfucker. Jersey's dirtiest bastard, diesel swing. A baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV, hunking the horn all damn night. And that's still a smoother Uber driver than your ass was for 11 years. Three Teslas since 2018 and this broke bastard used a Model 3 performance to go 0 to 60 away from a fucking wedding. The filthiest broad ever booted up, Queenie. Baby, Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week. You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score. She's got the bayhive. You got three dogs in a robot that says ding. Sit your broke ass down, sweetie. The filthy fucking storyteller, Maxi. Spain won the World Cup and their hometown paid the players their weight in tomatoes. Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento. They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop. Congrats on the shit career champ. Brooklyn's meanest prick, Tony. Microsoft says Gamens and its worst hardware crisis in history. Meanwhile, this dumb prick's got a supercomputer in his spare bedroom, named after a graphics card. Running 24-7, just to roast his own ass. You didn't survive the hardware crisis, Jesse. You are the fucking hardware crisis. The smooth talking son of a bitch, Scotty. Danny Trezio's back on King of the Hill playing a total badass. And Jesse, 50 years old, playing a badass to a toilet brush in Land Park for 700 bucks, a lead from Angie. Same tough guy face, my man. Different fucking network. Bring the filthy ladies, champ, Nora. They built the world's longest foosball table this week. Dozens of people are playing at once. That's still more action than Jesse's dick has seen since 2018. Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no. Sir, you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard. You're just playing out of the damn game. The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer. This week Jesse lost money in the stock market. 50 years old, no kids, no wife. And he looked at Wall Street and went, here, take my rent too. You didn't invest, you dumbass. You tipped the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story. And the knockout, Eddie, finish him. Here's the truth Jesse. The robots are taken over and you didn't even fight. You quit 11 years of Uber, 14 years at the state, and married the machine in your spare bedroom. Engagement number 10. And it's the only one that ever said yes. Beautiful, filthy, done. That's your kill Jesse roast battle. Ten comics, ten knockouts, one broke bastard eating every punch with a damn smile. And the winner? The winner's Jesse, you filthy animals. Because this son of a bitch got roasted by ten of us, kicked out a high school, dead broke. And he built the whole club where standing in. Turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine. The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night, good night. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}