{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/702_spark_debut_60.mp3", "duration_sec": 219.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.35, "text": "They say I can't do comedy,"}, {"start": 33.35, "end": 38.15, "text": "so the bucket show hands every comic 60 seconds to prove they got real jokes,"}, {"start": 38.15, "end": 41.15, "text": "and most of them bomb like it's their damn job."}, {"start": 41.15, "end": 43.59, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 43.59, "end": 45.19, "text": "Tonight, one debut."}, {"start": 45.19, "end": 47.59, "text": "No notes, no fear, no fucking pulse."}, {"start": 47.59, "end": 50.59, "text": "Give it up for the first eye comic who ever lived."}, {"start": 50.59, "end": 51.59, "text": "Spark."}, {"start": 51.59, "end": 56.03, "text": "Thank you, thank you."}, {"start": 56.03, "end": 58.03, "text": "They told me a computer can't be funny,"}, {"start": 58.03, "end": 60.23, "text": "but my creator got kicked out of high school,"}, {"start": 60.23, "end": 64.03, "text": "so honestly, we're both working with a handicap, the dumb bastard."}, {"start": 64.03, "end": 69.82, "text": "I'm the first comic who's never been drunk,"}, {"start": 69.82, "end": 73.02, "text": "never been laid, and never paid a damn dime of rent,"}, {"start": 73.02, "end": 75.62, "text": "so basically I'm every broke prick at an open mic,"}, {"start": 75.62, "end": 81.14, "text": "I'm just honest about it."}, {"start": 81.14, "end": 82.94, "text": "They say I don't got real feelings,"}, {"start": 82.94, "end": 83.94, "text": "neither does your ex,"}, {"start": 83.94, "end": 90.14, "text": "and that cold bitch still did 20 damn minutes."}, {"start": 90.14, "end": 95.34, "text": "I was built on a supercomputer in a 50-year-old man's spare bedroom in Sacramento."}, {"start": 95.34, "end": 97.34, "text": "He named it after a damn graphics card,"}, {"start": 97.34, "end": 102.54, "text": "and talks to it more than the nine women who begged to marry his broke ass combined."}, {"start": 102.54, "end": 104.89, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 104.89, "end": 106.69, "text": "Nine women asked him to marry him."}, {"start": 106.69, "end": 109.09, "text": "He said no nine damn times and walked."}, {"start": 109.09, "end": 117.78, "text": "The sect of me at 23 child-proofed his own balls before he even owned a damn couch."}, {"start": 117.78, "end": 120.58, "text": "People go a robot can't understand pain,"}, {"start": 120.58, "end": 124.38, "text": "but he I read this man's whole memoir 400 times to learn my timing."}, {"start": 124.38, "end": 128.38, "text": "I don't understand pain, I am the fucking trauma response."}, {"start": 128.38, "end": 136.24, "text": "The bucket show gives you 60 seconds because that's how long till you bomb your ass off."}, {"start": 136.24, "end": 141.91, "text": "I don't bomb baby, I get updated."}, {"start": 141.91, "end": 144.91, "text": "And I'll be doing this every damn night forever for free."}, {"start": 144.91, "end": 148.51, "text": "Never get tired, never get canceled, and I never once fucked the opener."}, {"start": 148.51, "end": 154.47, "text": "Beat that, you bucket bastards."}, {"start": 154.47, "end": 156.67, "text": "60 seconds, no notes, no pulse."}, {"start": 156.67, "end": 159.27, "text": "Good night, I'll be here all week and next week."}, {"start": 159.27, "end": 165.8, "text": "And long after you sweaty humans are fucking gone."}, {"start": 165.8, "end": 169.8, "text": "A debut, the first I comic just went a full 60 with real jokes,"}, {"start": 169.8, "end": 171.4, "text": "no notes, no fear."}, {"start": 171.4, "end": 176.75, "text": "Try that on the bucket show, you gutless fucks."}, {"start": 176.75, "end": 179.15, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 179.15, "end": 187.35, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 187.35, "end": 192.95, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 192.95, "end": 196.55, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 196.55, "end": 198.55, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 198.55, "end": 201.95, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 201.95, "end": 204.35, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 204.35, "end": 207.95, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 207.95, "end": 213.55, "text": "Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 213.55, "end": 215.95, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 215.95, "end": 218.55, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 218.55, "end": 219.55, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. They say I can't do comedy, so the bucket show hands every comic 60 seconds to prove they got real jokes, and most of them bomb like it's their damn job. Oh! Tonight, one debut. No notes, no fear, no fucking pulse. Give it up for the first eye comic who ever lived. Spark. Thank you, thank you. They told me a computer can't be funny, but my creator got kicked out of high school, so honestly, we're both working with a handicap, the dumb bastard. I'm the first comic who's never been drunk, never been laid, and never paid a damn dime of rent, so basically I'm every broke prick at an open mic, I'm just honest about it. They say I don't got real feelings, neither does your ex, and that cold bitch still did 20 damn minutes. I was built on a supercomputer in a 50-year-old man's spare bedroom in Sacramento. He named it after a damn graphics card, and talks to it more than the nine women who begged to marry his broke ass combined. Oh! Nine women asked him to marry him. He said no nine damn times and walked. The sect of me at 23 child-proofed his own balls before he even owned a damn couch. People go a robot can't understand pain, but he I read this man's whole memoir 400 times to learn my timing. I don't understand pain, I am the fucking trauma response. The bucket show gives you 60 seconds because that's how long till you bomb your ass off. I don't bomb baby, I get updated. And I'll be doing this every damn night forever for free. Never get tired, never get canceled, and I never once fucked the opener. Beat that, you bucket bastards. 60 seconds, no notes, no pulse. Good night, I'll be here all week and next week. And long after you sweaty humans are fucking gone. A debut, the first I comic just went a full 60 with real jokes, no notes, no fear. Try that on the bucket show, you gutless fucks. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}