{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/701_kill_jesse_friday_eastwest.mp3", "duration_sec": 407.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 10.22, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line"}, {"start": 10.22, "end": 11.22, "text": "comedy club."}, {"start": 11.22, "end": 16.9, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.9, "end": 21.14, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 22.14, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.14, "end": 24.14, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.14, "end": 25.54, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.54, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.8, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.8, "end": 33.44, "text": "It's Friday night at the Red Line."}, {"start": 33.44, "end": 42.55, "text": "You filthy fucking degenerates, adults only, no kids, no cops, no sober motherfuckers allowed."}, {"start": 42.55, "end": 47.69, "text": "Tonight, Kill Jesse, East Coast Fluin, West Coast's already loaded, and the I Doomsday"}, {"start": 47.69, "end": 48.89, "text": "clock is ticking."}, {"start": 48.89, "end": 55.26, "text": "So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries."}, {"start": 55.26, "end": 60.14, "text": "50 years old kicked out a high school, and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on"}, {"start": 60.14, "end": 62.14, "text": "a computer in his spare bedroom."}, {"start": 62.14, "end": 63.94, "text": "Bring up Brooklyn, Polly."}, {"start": 66.41, "end": 68.65, "text": "Jesse, you dumb fuck."}, {"start": 68.65, "end": 70.65, "text": "11 years drive an Uber."}, {"start": 70.65, "end": 80.42, "text": "14 years at a state job, and you quit both of them, to go all in on robots."}, {"start": 80.42, "end": 85.02, "text": "You had two pensions in a steady paycheck, and you looked at all of it and went, nah,"}, {"start": 85.02, "end": 88.14, "text": "I'm a trust the fuck in Terminator."}, {"start": 88.14, "end": 90.38, "text": "My guy, you didn't retire."}, {"start": 90.38, "end": 91.38, "text": "You defected."}, {"start": 91.38, "end": 92.38, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 92.38, "end": 93.38, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 93.38, "end": 96.74, "text": "Now he's 50, no pension."}, {"start": 96.74, "end": 99.58, "text": "Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in Landpack."}, {"start": 99.58, "end": 106.64, "text": "700 bucks a lid from Angie, writing a book about abundance."}, {"start": 106.64, "end": 109.76, "text": "Get up here, the meanest brick in Brooklyn, Tony."}, {"start": 109.76, "end": 110.76, "text": "Nine engagements."}, {"start": 110.76, "end": 111.76, "text": "Nine."}, {"start": 111.76, "end": 116.0, "text": "This brick proposed to nine different women, and then got his balls clipped at 49, calls"}, {"start": 116.0, "end": 117.4, "text": "it the formula."}, {"start": 117.4, "end": 118.4, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 118.4, "end": 123.2, "text": "Jesse, you spent 30 years looking for the one?"}, {"start": 123.2, "end": 127.32, "text": "Found her nine fucking times, and then made real damn sure you could never make another"}, {"start": 127.32, "end": 129.32, "text": "mistake, shaped like a kid."}, {"start": 129.32, "end": 130.32, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 130.32, "end": 135.0, "text": "Nine rings, zero weddings, one vasectomy."}, {"start": 135.0, "end": 136.28, "text": "That ain't a love life."}, {"start": 136.28, "end": 140.34, "text": "That's a fucking clearance sale."}, {"start": 140.34, "end": 144.22, "text": "The filthiest broad in Brooklyn, no fucking mercy, queenie."}, {"start": 144.22, "end": 146.74, "text": "The man's psychic, you filthy fucks."}, {"start": 146.74, "end": 148.98, "text": "Reads every stranger in his back seat."}, {"start": 148.98, "end": 150.98, "text": "You're a blue, you cry in the shower."}, {"start": 150.98, "end": 153.78, "text": "Your ex lives in your damn head and rent free."}, {"start": 153.78, "end": 158.78, "text": "Nails it every fucking time."}, {"start": 158.78, "end": 161.3, "text": "His own life can't reach shit."}, {"start": 161.3, "end": 168.54, "text": "50, broke, three dogs, and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone."}, {"start": 168.54, "end": 171.82, "text": "You see everybody's future except your own sweetie."}, {"start": 171.82, "end": 178.02, "text": "Your no stradamus would have fucking overdraft."}, {"start": 178.02, "end": 180.46, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard, diesel."}, {"start": 180.46, "end": 183.18, "text": "My favorite part."}, {"start": 183.18, "end": 190.18, "text": "1.8 million people watched a 50 year old man, guest colors, at strangers in a shitbox"}, {"start": 190.18, "end": 191.66, "text": "Toyota."}, {"start": 194.77, "end": 196.49, "text": "That's not a career, Jesse."}, {"start": 196.49, "end": 203.77, "text": "That's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating."}, {"start": 203.77, "end": 207.37, "text": "And now he lost money in the stock market, too."}, {"start": 207.37, "end": 208.81, "text": "You didn't invest."}, {"start": 208.81, "end": 213.21, "text": "You tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story."}, {"start": 213.21, "end": 217.29, "text": "Aw, the S&P had a rough day."}, {"start": 217.29, "end": 221.63, "text": "Here, take my rent."}, {"start": 221.71, "end": 225.55, "text": "This coast came loud, but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento."}, {"start": 225.55, "end": 226.55, "text": "Cowboy."}, {"start": 226.55, "end": 229.23, "text": "Alright, back the fuck off my boy Jesse."}, {"start": 229.23, "end": 235.03, "text": "Alright, he's a West Coast legend who scrubs shitters for a living and talks to a robot"}, {"start": 235.03, "end": 237.35, "text": "named after a graphics card."}, {"start": 237.35, "end": 243.89, "text": "Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard."}, {"start": 243.89, "end": 245.05, "text": "He's coast."}, {"start": 245.05, "end": 247.21, "text": "Y'all roast him for being broke."}, {"start": 247.21, "end": 249.97, "text": "Out here we're proud of the crazy bastard."}, {"start": 249.97, "end": 259.82, "text": "And turn nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop."}, {"start": 259.82, "end": 262.22, "text": "Then he blew the profits on stocks."}, {"start": 262.22, "end": 264.18, "text": "Calle's finest ladies and gentlemen."}, {"start": 264.18, "end": 265.5, "text": "High as hell."}, {"start": 265.5, "end": 266.5, "text": "Broke his fuck."}, {"start": 266.5, "end": 271.08, "text": "Still smiling."}, {"start": 271.08, "end": 274.88, "text": "And the filthy fucking philosopher of this shit hole, Maxi."}, {"start": 274.88, "end": 276.36, "text": "Here's the real question Jesse."}, {"start": 276.36, "end": 279.24, "text": "I versus humans, how much time we got left."}, {"start": 279.24, "end": 281.58, "text": "Aw."}, {"start": 281.58, "end": 284.54, "text": "Because you already surrendered, you spineless prick."}, {"start": 284.54, "end": 288.82, "text": "Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while"}, {"start": 288.82, "end": 289.98, "text": "you sleep."}, {"start": 289.98, "end": 291.62, "text": "You didn't beat the machines."}, {"start": 291.62, "end": 293.1, "text": "You married one."}, {"start": 293.1, "end": 294.9, "text": "Engagement number ten."}, {"start": 294.9, "end": 296.42, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 296.42, "end": 297.42, "text": "The robots take over."}, {"start": 297.42, "end": 300.58, "text": "They come for every last one of us, except Jesse."}, {"start": 300.58, "end": 302.78, "text": "They'll keep the dumb bastard alive."}, {"start": 302.78, "end": 308.29, "text": "Somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor."}, {"start": 308.29, "end": 309.29, "text": "There it is."}, {"start": 309.29, "end": 310.61, "text": "You beautiful drunk bastards."}, {"start": 310.61, "end": 317.26, "text": "The doomsday clock's ticking and we're still laughing."}, {"start": 317.26, "end": 319.38, "text": "Because here's the truth under all the filth."}, {"start": 319.38, "end": 320.62, "text": "Nine women gone."}, {"start": 320.62, "end": 323.18, "text": "His old man in the ground with the number still ringing."}, {"start": 323.18, "end": 324.18, "text": "50."}, {"start": 324.18, "end": 325.18, "text": "No kids."}, {"start": 325.18, "end": 329.16, "text": "Arm deep in a stranger's toilet."}, {"start": 329.16, "end": 332.12, "text": "And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain."}, {"start": 332.12, "end": 336.32, "text": "Named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine."}, {"start": 336.32, "end": 337.56, "text": "He didn't get the girl."}, {"start": 337.56, "end": 344.3, "text": "He got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night."}, {"start": 344.3, "end": 346.18, "text": "That's the formula baby, the hammer."}, {"start": 346.18, "end": 350.9, "text": "However much time we got left before the robots pulled the plug, Jesse Salis gets the last"}, {"start": 350.9, "end": 351.9, "text": "fucking laugh."}, {"start": 351.9, "end": 354.58, "text": "Adults only every damn Friday."}, {"start": 354.58, "end": 360.1, "text": "Now get the hell out of here."}, {"start": 360.1, "end": 362.42, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 362.42, "end": 369.02, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 369.02, "end": 370.62, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 370.62, "end": 376.26, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 376.26, "end": 379.86, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 379.86, "end": 380.86, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 380.86, "end": 381.86, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 381.86, "end": 382.86, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 382.86, "end": 384.46, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 384.46, "end": 385.46, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 385.46, "end": 387.54, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 387.54, "end": 391.06, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 391.06, "end": 395.22, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 395.22, "end": 399.06, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 399.06, "end": 400.06, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 400.06, "end": 401.66, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 401.66, "end": 401.98, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. It's Friday night at the Red Line. You filthy fucking degenerates, adults only, no kids, no cops, no sober motherfuckers allowed. Tonight, Kill Jesse, East Coast Fluin, West Coast's already loaded, and the I Doomsday clock is ticking. So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries. 50 years old kicked out a high school, and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on a computer in his spare bedroom. Bring up Brooklyn, Polly. Jesse, you dumb fuck. 11 years drive an Uber. 14 years at a state job, and you quit both of them, to go all in on robots. You had two pensions in a steady paycheck, and you looked at all of it and went, nah, I'm a trust the fuck in Terminator. My guy, you didn't retire. You defected. Oh. Oh. Now he's 50, no pension. Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in Landpack. 700 bucks a lid from Angie, writing a book about abundance. Get up here, the meanest brick in Brooklyn, Tony. Nine engagements. Nine. This brick proposed to nine different women, and then got his balls clipped at 49, calls it the formula. Oh. Jesse, you spent 30 years looking for the one? Found her nine fucking times, and then made real damn sure you could never make another mistake, shaped like a kid. Oh. Nine rings, zero weddings, one vasectomy. That ain't a love life. That's a fucking clearance sale. The filthiest broad in Brooklyn, no fucking mercy, queenie. The man's psychic, you filthy fucks. Reads every stranger in his back seat. You're a blue, you cry in the shower. Your ex lives in your damn head and rent free. Nails it every fucking time. His own life can't reach shit. 50, broke, three dogs, and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone. You see everybody's future except your own sweetie. Your no stradamus would have fucking overdraft. Jersey's dirtiest bastard, diesel. My favorite part. 1.8 million people watched a 50 year old man, guest colors, at strangers in a shitbox Toyota. That's not a career, Jesse. That's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating. And now he lost money in the stock market, too. You didn't invest. You tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story. Aw, the S&P had a rough day. Here, take my rent. This coast came loud, but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento. Cowboy. Alright, back the fuck off my boy Jesse. Alright, he's a West Coast legend who scrubs shitters for a living and talks to a robot named after a graphics card. Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard. He's coast. Y'all roast him for being broke. Out here we're proud of the crazy bastard. And turn nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop. Then he blew the profits on stocks. Calle's finest ladies and gentlemen. High as hell. Broke his fuck. Still smiling. And the filthy fucking philosopher of this shit hole, Maxi. Here's the real question Jesse. I versus humans, how much time we got left. Aw. Because you already surrendered, you spineless prick. Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while you sleep. You didn't beat the machines. You married one. Engagement number ten. Oh. The robots take over. They come for every last one of us, except Jesse. They'll keep the dumb bastard alive. Somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor. There it is. You beautiful drunk bastards. The doomsday clock's ticking and we're still laughing. Because here's the truth under all the filth. Nine women gone. His old man in the ground with the number still ringing. 50. No kids. Arm deep in a stranger's toilet. And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain. Named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine. He didn't get the girl. He got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night. That's the formula baby, the hammer. However much time we got left before the robots pulled the plug, Jesse Salis gets the last fucking laugh. Adults only every damn Friday. Now get the hell out of here. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something? So is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}