{"file": "audio/today-2026-07-26/700_openmic_roast_books.mp3", "duration_sec": 358.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.52, "text": "Welcome to Red Line Open Mic Night,"}, {"start": 33.52, "end": 35.32, "text": "you filthy fucking animals."}, {"start": 35.32, "end": 40.84, "text": "One target tonight, Jesse Salis."}, {"start": 40.84, "end": 44.04, "text": "The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19,"}, {"start": 44.04, "end": 50.04, "text": "did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color."}, {"start": 50.04, "end": 56.38, "text": "So the prick wrote a book about it, two books on Amazon, 499,"}, {"start": 56.38, "end": 62.08, "text": "his whole fucking soul, priced like a shitty Macchicken."}, {"start": 62.08, "end": 64.08, "text": "Bring up the first prick, Holly."}, {"start": 64.08, "end": 66.68, "text": "Colors of my pain, bro."}, {"start": 66.68, "end": 69.28, "text": "You drove Uber 11 years."}, {"start": 69.28, "end": 77.75, "text": "The only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent."}, {"start": 77.75, "end": 80.95, "text": "The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19."}, {"start": 80.95, "end": 88.35, "text": "And by Chapter 9, this dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his back seat is a red or a blue."}, {"start": 88.35, "end": 90.95, "text": "That ain't a personality system, Jesse."}, {"start": 90.95, "end": 95.55, "text": "That's the shit you tell the cops, so they don't check the damn trunk."}, {"start": 96.55, "end": 101.55, "text": "Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people."}, {"start": 101.55, "end": 106.55, "text": "You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn."}, {"start": 106.55, "end": 110.41, "text": "Give it up, Queenie!"}, {"start": 110.41, "end": 114.41, "text": "He wrote a second one, the four colors read yourself and everyone you love."}, {"start": 114.41, "end": 117.41, "text": "Baby, you got your dick snipped at 49."}, {"start": 117.41, "end": 120.41, "text": "The only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding."}, {"start": 120.41, "end": 125.26, "text": "Read everyone you love."}, {"start": 125.26, "end": 128.26, "text": "You got three dogs and a dead man's phone number."}, {"start": 128.26, "end": 133.73, "text": "Who's the fucking study group?"}, {"start": 133.73, "end": 135.73, "text": "40 question tests in the back."}, {"start": 135.73, "end": 136.73, "text": "40."}, {"start": 136.73, "end": 140.73, "text": "Sir, you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar at nine times."}, {"start": 140.73, "end": 141.73, "text": "Sit your ass down."}, {"start": 141.73, "end": 145.65, "text": "Diesel, get up here!"}, {"start": 145.65, "end": 147.65, "text": "My favorite park."}, {"start": 147.65, "end": 150.65, "text": "1.8 million people."}, {"start": 150.65, "end": 152.65, "text": "Watch the 50 year old man."}, {"start": 152.65, "end": 155.65, "text": "Guess colors at strangers in his car."}, {"start": 155.65, "end": 158.65, "text": "That's not a comedy career."}, {"start": 158.65, "end": 161.65, "text": "That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting."}, {"start": 161.65, "end": 167.53, "text": "Want me to guess your personality?"}, {"start": 167.53, "end": 168.53, "text": "Nah bro."}, {"start": 168.53, "end": 173.53, "text": "Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement."}, {"start": 173.53, "end": 175.53, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 175.53, "end": 178.53, "text": "And this prick scrubbing toilets in Land Park,"}, {"start": 178.53, "end": 180.53, "text": "writing the chapter on abundance."}, {"start": 180.53, "end": 187.53, "text": "Elbow deep and some rich lady's shitter for 700 bucks, a lead from Angie."}, {"start": 187.53, "end": 189.53, "text": "That ain't a color Jesse."}, {"start": 189.53, "end": 192.53, "text": "That's a cry for help and fucking hard back."}, {"start": 195.58, "end": 197.58, "text": "Many respected though."}, {"start": 197.58, "end": 200.58, "text": "The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19."}, {"start": 200.58, "end": 202.58, "text": "Literally, does his time."}, {"start": 202.58, "end": 208.58, "text": "And instead of therapy, he invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks."}, {"start": 208.58, "end": 218.49, "text": "Greens the thinker, reds the protector, blues the chameleon, yellows the hugger, and Jesse."}, {"start": 218.49, "end": 221.49, "text": "Jesse's the fucking brown."}, {"start": 221.49, "end": 226.49, "text": "Man's cleaned more shit as than a Vegas janitor and still wrote it into a love language."}, {"start": 226.49, "end": 233.27, "text": "But here's the thing you filthy bastards, nine women gone."}, {"start": 233.27, "end": 236.27, "text": "His old man's in the ground with the number still ringing."}, {"start": 236.27, "end": 241.51, "text": "50, no kids, armed deep in a stranger's toilet."}, {"start": 241.51, "end": 244.51, "text": "And this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it,"}, {"start": 244.51, "end": 249.51, "text": "named it four colors and built a whole fucking empire out of a mop and a computer."}, {"start": 249.51, "end": 255.26, "text": "He didn't get the girl, didn't get the dad back."}, {"start": 255.26, "end": 258.26, "text": "He got you, laughing your ass off at a bookie road at a red light."}, {"start": 258.26, "end": 261.26, "text": "That's the formula baby, the hammer."}, {"start": 261.26, "end": 263.26, "text": "Last lapse always his."}, {"start": 266.44, "end": 271.44, "text": "Buy the damn book, four ninety nine, cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us."}, {"start": 271.44, "end": 275.35, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 275.35, "end": 278.35, "text": "And that's the red line, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 278.35, "end": 281.35, "text": "Before you crawl out of here, two things."}, {"start": 281.35, "end": 284.35, "text": "One, bombed.app, that's bombed.app."}, {"start": 284.35, "end": 288.35, "text": "You get the mic, nobody waits in a damn line, and every filthy name gets pulled."}, {"start": 288.35, "end": 291.35, "text": "Go play it, roast with us, and leave your feedback."}, {"start": 291.35, "end": 295.35, "text": "Tell us what killed and what bombed, because we read every damn word."}, {"start": 296.35, "end": 298.35, "text": "Two, colors of my pain.com."}, {"start": 298.35, "end": 301.35, "text": "That's the real story behind all these laughs."}, {"start": 301.35, "end": 303.35, "text": "The whole bloody truth in color."}, {"start": 303.35, "end": 306.35, "text": "Laugh with us here, then go feel something real over there."}, {"start": 306.35, "end": 310.35, "text": "Now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster."}, {"start": 310.35, "end": 311.35, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 311.35, "end": 313.35, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 313.35, "end": 319.35, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 319.35, "end": 321.35, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 321.35, "end": 324.35, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 324.35, "end": 327.35, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 327.35, "end": 330.35, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 330.35, "end": 332.35, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 332.35, "end": 335.35, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 335.35, "end": 336.35, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 336.35, "end": 338.35, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 338.35, "end": 342.35, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 342.35, "end": 345.35, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 345.35, "end": 346.35, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 346.35, "end": 350.35, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 350.35, "end": 351.35, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 351.35, "end": 352.35, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 352.35, "end": 353.35, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Red Line Open Mic Night, you filthy fucking animals. One target tonight, Jesse Salis. The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19, did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color. So the prick wrote a book about it, two books on Amazon, 499, his whole fucking soul, priced like a shitty Macchicken. Bring up the first prick, Holly. Colors of my pain, bro. You drove Uber 11 years. The only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent. The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19. And by Chapter 9, this dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his back seat is a red or a blue. That ain't a personality system, Jesse. That's the shit you tell the cops, so they don't check the damn trunk. Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people. You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn. Give it up, Queenie! He wrote a second one, the four colors read yourself and everyone you love. Baby, you got your dick snipped at 49. The only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding. Read everyone you love. You got three dogs and a dead man's phone number. Who's the fucking study group? 40 question tests in the back. 40. Sir, you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar at nine times. Sit your ass down. Diesel, get up here! My favorite park. 1.8 million people. Watch the 50 year old man. Guess colors at strangers in his car. That's not a comedy career. That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting. Want me to guess your personality? Nah bro. Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement. Oh! And this prick scrubbing toilets in Land Park, writing the chapter on abundance. Elbow deep and some rich lady's shitter for 700 bucks, a lead from Angie. That ain't a color Jesse. That's a cry for help and fucking hard back. Many respected though. The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19. Literally, does his time. And instead of therapy, he invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks. Greens the thinker, reds the protector, blues the chameleon, yellows the hugger, and Jesse. Jesse's the fucking brown. Man's cleaned more shit as than a Vegas janitor and still wrote it into a love language. But here's the thing you filthy bastards, nine women gone. His old man's in the ground with the number still ringing. 50, no kids, armed deep in a stranger's toilet. And this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it, named it four colors and built a whole fucking empire out of a mop and a computer. He didn't get the girl, didn't get the dad back. He got you, laughing your ass off at a bookie road at a red light. That's the formula baby, the hammer. Last lapse always his. Buy the damn book, four ninety nine, cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us. Good night. And that's the red line, you beautiful bastards. Before you crawl out of here, two things. One, bombed.app, that's bombed.app. You get the mic, nobody waits in a damn line, and every filthy name gets pulled. Go play it, roast with us, and leave your feedback. Tell us what killed and what bombed, because we read every damn word. Two, colors of my pain.com. That's the real story behind all these laughs. The whole bloody truth in color. Laugh with us here, then go feel something real over there. Now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster. Good night. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}