{"file": "audio/today-2026-06-22/2026-06-22_best_jesse_adult_standup_show.mp3", "duration_sec": 407.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.28, "text": "My book is called Colors of My Pain."}, {"start": 2.28, "end": 7.04, "text": "That sounds deep until you realize it is also how I sort laundry after a breakdown."}, {"start": 7.04, "end": 9.84, "text": "The thing that almost buried me is paying cover."}, {"start": 9.84, "end": 12.72, "text": "I did not create four colors because I was peaceful."}, {"start": 12.72, "end": 15.88, "text": "I created it because my childhood needed subtitles."}, {"start": 15.88, "end": 19.44, "text": "Four colors is my inner committee with admin privileges."}, {"start": 19.44, "end": 21.64, "text": "I was not mature for my age."}, {"start": 21.64, "end": 23.4, "text": "I was under bad management."}, {"start": 23.4, "end": 25.48, "text": "I was not doing psychology."}, {"start": 25.48, "end": 27.2, "text": "I was taking notes for survival."}, {"start": 27.2, "end": 30.92, "text": "Childhood should not come with a clipboard, but I had one emotionally."}, {"start": 30.92, "end": 34.04, "text": "I was a child with adult-level customer service."}, {"start": 34.04, "end": 37.2, "text": "I learned to read rooms before I learned to trust rooms."}, {"start": 37.2, "end": 39.96, "text": "My family taught me emotional weather detection."}, {"start": 39.96, "end": 42.12, "text": "My family did not need Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 42.12, "end": 44.04, "text": "Tension connected every room."}, {"start": 44.04, "end": 47.44, "text": "I could tell who was mad by the way a cabinet closed."}, {"start": 47.44, "end": 50.16, "text": "Silence in my house had a countdown timer."}, {"start": 50.16, "end": 53.48, "text": "The turkey is dry because even it is uncomfortable."}, {"start": 53.48, "end": 55.64, "text": "Some families teach you how to love."}, {"start": 55.64, "end": 60.56, "text": "Someone taught me how to survive and read body language like I worked casino security."}, {"start": 60.56, "end": 64.24, "text": "One aunt can turn a grown man back into a kid with a paper plate."}, {"start": 64.24, "end": 66.52, "text": "Being the good kid is expensive."}, {"start": 66.52, "end": 68.36, "text": "Everybody gets peace except you."}, {"start": 68.36, "end": 71.04, "text": "The good kid pays the emotional mortgage."}, {"start": 71.04, "end": 72.28, "text": "Red is the protector."}, {"start": 72.28, "end": 76.12, "text": "In me, red protects everything except my sleep schedule."}, {"start": 76.12, "end": 78.24, "text": "Red does not walk into a room."}, {"start": 78.24, "end": 80.68, "text": "Red enters like a policy change."}, {"start": 80.68, "end": 81.6, "text": "Green is the thinker."}, {"start": 81.6, "end": 86.2, "text": "My green side can turn one bad feeling into a 40-tab investigation."}, {"start": 86.2, "end": 88.12, "text": "Green calls fear research."}, {"start": 88.12, "end": 89.84, "text": "Blue adapts to every room."}, {"start": 89.84, "end": 94.16, "text": "My blue side has been shape-shifting so long it needs a lost and found."}, {"start": 94.16, "end": 95.48, "text": "Blue is not fake."}, {"start": 95.48, "end": 97.52, "text": "Blue is socially over-employed."}, {"start": 97.52, "end": 99.16, "text": "Yellow loves everybody."}, {"start": 99.16, "end": 103.2, "text": "My yellow side will help someone move and apologize for sweating."}, {"start": 103.2, "end": 106.48, "text": "Yellow gives until the bank calls its suspicious activity."}, {"start": 106.48, "end": 108.64, "text": "Four colors explains dating."}, {"start": 108.64, "end": 109.64, "text": "Red protects."}, {"start": 109.64, "end": 110.88, "text": "Green investigates."}, {"start": 110.88, "end": 113.8, "text": "Blue performs yellow forgives someone who should be blocked."}, {"start": 113.8, "end": 115.28, "text": "That is not a relationship."}, {"start": 115.28, "end": 117.08, "text": "That is a group project from hell."}, {"start": 117.08, "end": 121.88, "text": "I wrote a healing book that immediately asked can this be a website, audiobook film,"}, {"start": 121.88, "end": 124.4, "text": "soundtrack, quiz funnel and comedy special."}, {"start": 124.4, "end": 125.72, "text": "That is not healing."}, {"start": 125.72, "end": 127.96, "text": "That is entrepreneurship with tears."}, {"start": 127.96, "end": 130.84, "text": "My trauma has better branding than most startups."}, {"start": 130.84, "end": 133.0, "text": "I do not have multiple projects."}, {"start": 133.0, "end": 134.96, "text": "I have panic with departments."}, {"start": 134.96, "end": 136.88, "text": "My projects do not multiply."}, {"start": 136.88, "end": 138.68, "text": "They reproduce under stress."}, {"start": 138.68, "end": 140.44, "text": "My browser is not a browser."}, {"start": 140.44, "end": 141.84, "text": "It is a support group."}, {"start": 141.84, "end": 143.32, "text": "Chrome should charge me rent."}, {"start": 143.32, "end": 147.52, "text": "I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern."}, {"start": 147.52, "end": 149.28, "text": "AI did not replace me."}, {"start": 149.28, "end": 151.36, "text": "It gave me another thing to manage."}, {"start": 151.36, "end": 153.8, "text": "My AI assistant said it understood me."}, {"start": 153.8, "end": 155.48, "text": "That was the first red flag."}, {"start": 155.48, "end": 157.88, "text": "AI is supposed to save time."}, {"start": 157.88, "end": 162.92, "text": "My needs passwords, bridges, restarts and emotional support."}, {"start": 162.92, "end": 165.64, "text": "Technology works great until Jesse adds feelings."}, {"start": 165.64, "end": 168.2, "text": "Red AI deploys before testing."}, {"start": 168.2, "end": 173.4, "text": "When AI writes a plan, blue AI makes the button pretty and yellow AI says, I understand"}, {"start": 173.4, "end": 174.84, "text": "your frustration."}, {"start": 174.84, "end": 176.92, "text": "Even my bots have bad habits."}, {"start": 176.92, "end": 179.4, "text": "My laptop and desktop need to talk."}, {"start": 179.4, "end": 182.56, "text": "Brother, my four colors do not talk before noon."}, {"start": 182.56, "end": 184.64, "text": "Even the bridge needed therapy."}, {"start": 184.64, "end": 186.4, "text": "Dating after pain is weird."}, {"start": 186.4, "end": 188.72, "text": "You are not asking, do we have chemistry?"}, {"start": 188.72, "end": 191.96, "text": "You are asking which childhood wound is driving tonight."}, {"start": 191.96, "end": 195.56, "text": "Dating is two childhood wounds splitting mozzarella sticks."}, {"start": 195.56, "end": 200.72, "text": "States after 50 feel like two trauma resumes pretending to enjoy appetizers."}, {"start": 200.72, "end": 204.28, "text": "At this age, romance needs a pro-flight checklist."}, {"start": 204.28, "end": 206.8, "text": "First dates are interviews with appetizers."}, {"start": 206.8, "end": 208.8, "text": "My trust issues are not cute."}, {"start": 208.8, "end": 210.32, "text": "They are administrative."}, {"start": 210.32, "end": 213.52, "text": "My heart does not trust without paperwork."}, {"start": 213.52, "end": 215.8, "text": "Chemistry is not compatibility."}, {"start": 215.8, "end": 219.12, "text": "Chemistry is your nervous system clapping for familiar danger."}, {"start": 219.12, "end": 221.52, "text": "Chemistry is bad judgment with body heat."}, {"start": 221.52, "end": 223.4, "text": "My butterflies had warrants."}, {"start": 223.4, "end": 225.96, "text": "My butterflies need a public defender."}, {"start": 225.96, "end": 228.68, "text": "Normal feels suspicious when chaos raised you."}, {"start": 228.68, "end": 230.72, "text": "I tried dating safe."}, {"start": 230.72, "end": 233.4, "text": "Safe is nice until your soul starts yawning."}, {"start": 233.4, "end": 235.76, "text": "I need peace with plot protection."}, {"start": 235.76, "end": 238.64, "text": "My heart does background checks with references."}, {"start": 238.64, "end": 241.16, "text": "My love life has compliance issues."}, {"start": 241.16, "end": 245.0, "text": "My love life is a group chat where nobody reads the pinned message."}, {"start": 245.0, "end": 248.44, "text": "Healing is hard because your bad habit used to be your bodyguard."}, {"start": 248.44, "end": 251.48, "text": "The bad habit protected me before it embarrassed me."}, {"start": 251.48, "end": 255.24, "text": "My habits are old survival tools with expired instructions."}, {"start": 255.24, "end": 259.32, "text": "Your bad habit is usually an old bodyguard that will not retire."}, {"start": 259.32, "end": 261.92, "text": "Healing is security guard retraining."}, {"start": 261.92, "end": 265.64, "text": "Healing is telling the guard thank you but stop tackling the mailman."}, {"start": 265.64, "end": 267.76, "text": "Red does not need to calm down."}, {"start": 267.76, "end": 270.8, "text": "Red needs a mission that is not customer service."}, {"start": 270.8, "end": 271.92, "text": "Red needs a mission."}, {"start": 271.92, "end": 273.56, "text": "Not a Yelp review."}, {"start": 273.56, "end": 276.12, "text": "Boundaries are fences your guilt keeps trying to climb."}, {"start": 276.12, "end": 278.12, "text": "My guilt has upper body strength."}, {"start": 278.12, "end": 280.44, "text": "My guilt has better cardio than me."}, {"start": 280.44, "end": 282.72, "text": "Red is often grief wearing work boots."}, {"start": 282.72, "end": 285.52, "text": "My rage was a guard dog for a kid."}, {"start": 285.52, "end": 287.44, "text": "Growth is not letting red hold the keys."}, {"start": 287.44, "end": 288.96, "text": "I still have the thoughts."}, {"start": 288.96, "end": 291.04, "text": "I just do not let them drive."}, {"start": 291.04, "end": 293.88, "text": "Red is not driving but it still hates traffic."}, {"start": 293.88, "end": 296.4, "text": "The candy kid was not selling candy."}, {"start": 296.4, "end": 299.0, "text": "He was laundering childhood into skittles."}, {"start": 299.0, "end": 300.88, "text": "Skittles were my first LLC."}, {"start": 300.88, "end": 302.2, "text": "Other kids had lunch money."}, {"start": 302.2, "end": 304.04, "text": "I had start up anxiety."}, {"start": 304.04, "end": 306.28, "text": "I had recess and revenue stress."}, {"start": 306.28, "end": 308.64, "text": "Money is behavior with numbers attached."}, {"start": 308.64, "end": 311.8, "text": "Poverty is a personality test with overdraft fees."}, {"start": 311.8, "end": 314.08, "text": "Poverty is math with threats."}, {"start": 314.08, "end": 317.4, "text": "Social media is the four colors with no adult supervision."}, {"start": 317.4, "end": 321.04, "text": "The comment section is where red goes to skip therapy."}, {"start": 321.04, "end": 323.96, "text": "Social media is group therapy with ads."}, {"start": 323.96, "end": 326.72, "text": "Companies say family when they want free overtime."}, {"start": 326.72, "end": 329.92, "text": "If work says family, green should ask about inheritance."}, {"start": 329.92, "end": 333.84, "text": "A budget meeting between my colors is shame with columns."}, {"start": 333.84, "end": 335.64, "text": "Comedy lets pain breathe."}, {"start": 335.64, "end": 337.48, "text": "Pain with rhythm is called a set."}, {"start": 337.48, "end": 340.64, "text": "The mic is cheaper than therapy but it heckles back."}, {"start": 340.64, "end": 341.96, "text": "Stand up is weird."}, {"start": 341.96, "end": 345.6, "text": "You stand in front of strangers and beg them to approve your pain."}, {"start": 345.6, "end": 349.72, "text": "It is church for people with better punchlines and worse sleep."}, {"start": 349.72, "end": 354.08, "text": "Riding the memoir was like interviewing a version of myself that did not want to talk."}, {"start": 354.08, "end": 356.76, "text": "Every chapter was a witness with attitude."}, {"start": 356.76, "end": 359.32, "text": "Memoir is when secrets get stage time."}, {"start": 359.32, "end": 364.8, "text": "My book has 39 chapters that is not a memoir that is trauma with a season pass."}, {"start": 364.8, "end": 367.44, "text": "Even the pain asked for a second season."}, {"start": 367.44, "end": 371.8, "text": "Your colors is emotional subtitles for people who grew up around volume."}, {"start": 371.8, "end": 374.92, "text": "Four colors helps people hear behavior in English."}, {"start": 374.92, "end": 376.72, "text": "Four colors is not a label."}, {"start": 376.72, "end": 377.96, "text": "It is a flashlight."}, {"start": 377.96, "end": 379.96, "text": "Tonight my pain is not crying."}, {"start": 379.96, "end": 380.96, "text": "It is headlining."}, {"start": 380.96, "end": 383.84, "text": "Comedy gives pain a microphone and a curfew."}, {"start": 383.84, "end": 386.88, "text": "My life is messy but I am turning it into comedy."}, {"start": 386.88, "end": 389.2, "text": "If they gave me pain I am giving it timing."}, {"start": 389.2, "end": 392.68, "text": "If they gave me trauma I am making sure it has a merch table."}, {"start": 392.68, "end": 395.68, "text": "Welcome to bombed where bad decisions finally pay rent."}, {"start": 395.68, "end": 397.68, "text": "Click the quiz at 4 color quiz."}, {"start": 397.68, "end": 398.68, "text": "Calm."}, {"start": 398.68, "end": 400.68, "text": "Read the book at colors of my pain."}, {"start": 400.68, "end": 403.84, "text": "Calm if life gets too heavy call or text 988."}, {"start": 403.84, "end": 405.0, "text": "Laugh first."}, {"start": 405.0, "end": 406.0, "text": "Then stay."}, {"start": 406.0, "end": 407.0, "text": "I am Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 407.0, "end": 407.5, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nMy book is called Colors of My Pain. That sounds deep until you realize it is also how I sort laundry after a breakdown. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover. I did not create four colors because I was peaceful. I created it because my childhood needed subtitles. Four colors is my inner committee with admin privileges. I was not mature for my age. I was under bad management. I was not doing psychology. I was taking notes for survival. Childhood should not come with a clipboard, but I had one emotionally. I was a child with adult-level customer service. I learned to read rooms before I learned to trust rooms. My family taught me emotional weather detection. My family did not need Wi-Fi. Tension connected every room. I could tell who was mad by the way a cabinet closed. Silence in my house had a countdown timer. The turkey is dry because even it is uncomfortable. Some families teach you how to love. Someone taught me how to survive and read body language like I worked casino security. One aunt can turn a grown man back into a kid with a paper plate. Being the good kid is expensive. Everybody gets peace except you. The good kid pays the emotional mortgage. Red is the protector. In me, red protects everything except my sleep schedule. Red does not walk into a room. Red enters like a policy change. Green is the thinker. My green side can turn one bad feeling into a 40-tab investigation. Green calls fear research. Blue adapts to every room. My blue side has been shape-shifting so long it needs a lost and found. Blue is not fake. Blue is socially over-employed. Yellow loves everybody. My yellow side will help someone move and apologize for sweating. Yellow gives until the bank calls its suspicious activity. Four colors explains dating. Red protects. Green investigates. Blue performs yellow forgives someone who should be blocked. That is not a relationship. That is a group project from hell. I wrote a healing book that immediately asked can this be a website, audiobook film, soundtrack, quiz funnel and comedy special. That is not healing. That is entrepreneurship with tears. My trauma has better branding than most startups. I do not have multiple projects. I have panic with departments. My projects do not multiply. They reproduce under stress. My browser is not a browser. It is a support group. Chrome should charge me rent. I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern. AI did not replace me. It gave me another thing to manage. My AI assistant said it understood me. That was the first red flag. AI is supposed to save time. My needs passwords, bridges, restarts and emotional support. Technology works great until Jesse adds feelings. Red AI deploys before testing. When AI writes a plan, blue AI makes the button pretty and yellow AI says, I understand your frustration. Even my bots have bad habits. My laptop and desktop need to talk. Brother, my four colors do not talk before noon. Even the bridge needed therapy. Dating after pain is weird. You are not asking, do we have chemistry? You are asking which childhood wound is driving tonight. Dating is two childhood wounds splitting mozzarella sticks. States after 50 feel like two trauma resumes pretending to enjoy appetizers. At this age, romance needs a pro-flight checklist. First dates are interviews with appetizers. My trust issues are not cute. They are administrative. My heart does not trust without paperwork. Chemistry is not compatibility. Chemistry is your nervous system clapping for familiar danger. Chemistry is bad judgment with body heat. My butterflies had warrants. My butterflies need a public defender. Normal feels suspicious when chaos raised you. I tried dating safe. Safe is nice until your soul starts yawning. I need peace with plot protection. My heart does background checks with references. My love life has compliance issues. My love life is a group chat where nobody reads the pinned message. Healing is hard because your bad habit used to be your bodyguard. The bad habit protected me before it embarrassed me. My habits are old survival tools with expired instructions. Your bad habit is usually an old bodyguard that will not retire. Healing is security guard retraining. Healing is telling the guard thank you but stop tackling the mailman. Red does not need to calm down. Red needs a mission that is not customer service. Red needs a mission. Not a Yelp review. Boundaries are fences your guilt keeps trying to climb. My guilt has upper body strength. My guilt has better cardio than me. Red is often grief wearing work boots. My rage was a guard dog for a kid. Growth is not letting red hold the keys. I still have the thoughts. I just do not let them drive. Red is not driving but it still hates traffic. The candy kid was not selling candy. He was laundering childhood into skittles. Skittles were my first LLC. Other kids had lunch money. I had start up anxiety. I had recess and revenue stress. Money is behavior with numbers attached. Poverty is a personality test with overdraft fees. Poverty is math with threats. Social media is the four colors with no adult supervision. The comment section is where red goes to skip therapy. Social media is group therapy with ads. Companies say family when they want free overtime. If work says family, green should ask about inheritance. A budget meeting between my colors is shame with columns. Comedy lets pain breathe. Pain with rhythm is called a set. The mic is cheaper than therapy but it heckles back. Stand up is weird. You stand in front of strangers and beg them to approve your pain. It is church for people with better punchlines and worse sleep. Riding the memoir was like interviewing a version of myself that did not want to talk. Every chapter was a witness with attitude. Memoir is when secrets get stage time. My book has 39 chapters that is not a memoir that is trauma with a season pass. Even the pain asked for a second season. Your colors is emotional subtitles for people who grew up around volume. Four colors helps people hear behavior in English. Four colors is not a label. It is a flashlight. Tonight my pain is not crying. It is headlining. Comedy gives pain a microphone and a curfew. My life is messy but I am turning it into comedy. If they gave me pain I am giving it timing. If they gave me trauma I am making sure it has a merch table. Welcome to bombed where bad decisions finally pay rent. Click the quiz at 4 color quiz. Calm. Read the book at colors of my pain. Calm if life gets too heavy call or text 988. Laugh first. Then stay. I am Jesse Salas. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}