{"file": "audio/shows/carnival_band.mp3", "duration_sec": 137.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.0, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, the carnival has rolled into Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 4.0, "end": 10.5, "text": "21 and over. No kids, no filter, no survivors. Tonight, the ringmaster of his own dumpster fire."}, {"start": 10.5, "end": 12.5, "text": "Give it up for Jesse Salis."}, {"start": 12.5, "end": 17.0, "text": "Welcome to the freak show, you beautiful degenerates. The rule tonight, I roast myself first,"}, {"start": 17.0, "end": 23.0, "text": "then I let these idiots roast each other. So here's me. I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19,"}, {"start": 23.0, "end": 27.0, "text": "which means I peaked in a courtroom. Three engagements married zero."}, {"start": 27.0, "end": 31.5, "text": "I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoon."}, {"start": 31.5, "end": 35.0, "text": "None of them mine and I clean toilets for a living."}, {"start": 35.0, "end": 39.0, "text": "So if tonight bombs relax, I already know how to handle other people's shit."}, {"start": 39.0, "end": 42.0, "text": "Bring out the clowns, Mickey."}, {"start": 42.0, "end": 47.0, "text": "I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app. My last date asked what I'm looking for."}, {"start": 47.0, "end": 52.0, "text": "I said someone who will tolerate me and a co-signer. My therapist quit on me."}, {"start": 52.0, "end": 56.0, "text": "She didn't refer me out. She just changed her damn locks."}, {"start": 56.0, "end": 60.0, "text": "Mickey, you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons."}, {"start": 60.0, "end": 66.0, "text": "Me, I've been married 18 years. The secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed."}, {"start": 66.0, "end": 71.0, "text": "My wife says the spark is gone. I said baby, so is my will to live, or soulmates."}, {"start": 71.0, "end": 77.0, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married, that's not love. That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card."}, {"start": 77.0, "end": 81.0, "text": "They call me Doc Burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look."}, {"start": 81.0, "end": 85.0, "text": "You front row, you've got the confidence of a man who's never been told no."}, {"start": 85.0, "end": 88.0, "text": "And the bank account of a man who's never been told yes."}, {"start": 88.0, "end": 93.0, "text": "Doc Burn, you got a face like a clench fist and a personality to match."}, {"start": 93.0, "end": 98.0, "text": "Me, I'm Jerry. My family's so Italian, my grandmother seasons her grudges."}, {"start": 98.0, "end": 104.0, "text": "We don't go to therapy. We go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back."}, {"start": 104.0, "end": 108.0, "text": "My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner, so I whispered the threats."}, {"start": 108.0, "end": 114.0, "text": "Jerry, everybody, a man who irons his shirts and his enemies, that's the carnival folks, but here's the truth."}, {"start": 114.0, "end": 120.0, "text": "I built this whole damn circus, this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back."}, {"start": 120.0, "end": 127.0, "text": "I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for. Black for my dad who died and left me a phone number I still can't delete."}, {"start": 127.0, "end": 134.0, "text": "But tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse. Now get home safe and tip your bartender."}, {"start": 134.0, "end": 137.0, "text": "No, I can't."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, the carnival has rolled into Red Line Comedy Club. 21 and over. No kids, no filter, no survivors. Tonight, the ringmaster of his own dumpster fire. Give it up for Jesse Salis. Welcome to the freak show, you beautiful degenerates. The rule tonight, I roast myself first, then I let these idiots roast each other. So here's me. I'm 50 broke sober and I caught a felony at 19, which means I peaked in a courtroom. Three engagements married zero. I spent more on diamond rings than most men spend on a house and I funded three honeymoon. None of them mine and I clean toilets for a living. So if tonight bombs relax, I already know how to handle other people's shit. Bring out the clowns, Mickey. I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app. My last date asked what I'm looking for. I said someone who will tolerate me and a co-signer. My therapist quit on me. She didn't refer me out. She just changed her damn locks. Mickey, you couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons. Me, I've been married 18 years. The secret is I stopped listening in 2009 and nobody noticed. My wife says the spark is gone. I said baby, so is my will to live, or soulmates. Vinnie, 18 years married, that's not love. That's a hostage situation with a shared Costco card. They call me Doc Burn because I diagnose your whole sad life in one look. You front row, you've got the confidence of a man who's never been told no. And the bank account of a man who's never been told yes. Doc Burn, you got a face like a clench fist and a personality to match. Me, I'm Jerry. My family's so Italian, my grandmother seasons her grudges. We don't go to therapy. We go to the back of the restaurant and somebody don't come back. My wife wanted a quiet romantic dinner, so I whispered the threats. Jerry, everybody, a man who irons his shirts and his enemies, that's the carnival folks, but here's the truth. I built this whole damn circus, this website colors of my pain because laughing is the only thing that ever paid me back. I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for. Black for my dad who died and left me a phone number I still can't delete. But tonight we painted it red. This is red line. This is kill Jesse. Now get home safe and tip your bartender. No, I can't.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}