{"file": "redline-shows/kill-jesse-open-mic/ab-tests/2026-07-09-162137-everybodys-healing-ab-test/VERSION_2_NEW_CLUB_LIVE.mp3", "duration_sec": 180.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.08, "end": 6.88, "text": "Everybody's healing now. Everybody. You can't just be a bad person anymore. You need vocabulary."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 17.26, "text": "My buddy ghosts me for three months. Comes back like sorry man. I was protecting my peace."}, {"start": 21.63, "end": 29.17, "text": "Your peace from me bro, I helped you move twice up a spiral staircase. Your peace has my lower back in it."}, {"start": 30.03, "end": 36.11, "text": "Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. That's the move now. Every dead friendship is a boundary."}, {"start": 36.43, "end": 46.05, "text": "You can't be flaky anymore. You gotta be on a journey. I miss when people were honest."}, {"start": 46.53, "end": 52.77, "text": "Back then a guy would say I'm a piece of shit. I'll call you never. Now he says I'm honoring my"}, {"start": 52.77, "end": 60.61, "text": "nervous system. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. No you're not. Your nervous system is at Dave and"}, {"start": 60.61, "end": 71.46, "text": "Buster's posting a quote over a sunset. My cousin owes me four hundred bucks. I ask for it one"}, {"start": 71.46, "end": 82.48, "text": "time politely. She goes I'm noticing this brings up a lot for you. Yeah it brings up four hundred"}, {"start": 82.48, "end": 88.08, "text": "dollars. That's the amount it brings up. That's not trauma. That's math with a witness."}, {"start": 89.12, "end": 95.68, "text": "Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. That's the whole trick. You do something foul then diagnose the"}, {"start": 95.68, "end": 100.88, "text": "person who's mad about it. I'm not late. You have an anxious attachment to time."}, {"start": 101.92, "end": 108.32, "text": "Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. No bitch. I have a reservation. The restaurant has an"}, {"start": 108.32, "end": 115.68, "text": "anxious attachment to chairs. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. And everybody's a healer now."}, {"start": 115.68, "end": 122.56, "text": "You read one book. One half of it. Now you got a podcast. No follow through and a ringlight judging"}, {"start": 122.56, "end": 133.44, "text": "the whole family. Your bio says trauma informed. You know who else is trauma informed. Everybody"}, {"start": 133.44, "end": 140.88, "text": "who has met you twice. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. They love saying sit with your feelings."}, {"start": 140.88, "end": 146.64, "text": "I don't want to sit with my feelings. They're loud they're mean and one of them owes me four hundred"}, {"start": 146.64, "end": 153.44, "text": "dollars. My midlife crisis has a log in screen. What's up everybody. I'm Jesse. And that's why"}, {"start": 153.44, "end": 160.56, "text": "everybody's healing now. Nobody apologizes. They rebrand the damage put incense around it and call"}, {"start": 160.56, "end": 171.66, "text": "it growth. I don't need everybody healed. I need one person unhealed enough to say my bad. I was"}, {"start": 171.66, "end": 178.22, "text": "wrong. Here's your money. And I won't make it a TED talk. I midlife crisis has a log in screen."}, {"start": 178.22, "end": 181.74, "text": "What's up everybody. I'm Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverybody's healing now. Everybody. You can't just be a bad person anymore. You need vocabulary. My buddy ghosts me for three months. Comes back like sorry man. I was protecting my peace. Your peace from me bro, I helped you move twice up a spiral staircase. Your peace has my lower back in it. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. That's the move now. Every dead friendship is a boundary. You can't be flaky anymore. You gotta be on a journey. I miss when people were honest. Back then a guy would say I'm a piece of shit. I'll call you never. Now he says I'm honoring my nervous system. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. No you're not. Your nervous system is at Dave and Buster's posting a quote over a sunset. My cousin owes me four hundred bucks. I ask for it one time politely. She goes I'm noticing this brings up a lot for you. Yeah it brings up four hundred dollars. That's the amount it brings up. That's not trauma. That's math with a witness. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. That's the whole trick. You do something foul then diagnose the person who's mad about it. I'm not late. You have an anxious attachment to time. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. No bitch. I have a reservation. The restaurant has an anxious attachment to chairs. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. And everybody's a healer now. You read one book. One half of it. Now you got a podcast. No follow through and a ringlight judging the whole family. Your bio says trauma informed. You know who else is trauma informed. Everybody who has met you twice. Jesse Salas my midlife crisis. They love saying sit with your feelings. I don't want to sit with my feelings. They're loud they're mean and one of them owes me four hundred dollars. My midlife crisis has a log in screen. What's up everybody. I'm Jesse. And that's why everybody's healing now. Nobody apologizes. They rebrand the damage put incense around it and call it growth. I don't need everybody healed. I need one person unhealed enough to say my bad. I was wrong. Here's your money. And I won't make it a TED talk. I midlife crisis has a log in screen. What's up everybody. I'm Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}