{"file": "audio/redline-comedy-club-open-mic-under-pressure-2026-07-15/REDLINE_COMEDY_CLUB_OPEN_MIC_UNDER_PRESSURE.mp3", "duration_sec": 3108.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.08, "text": "Performance note, adult language, fictional consenting adult performers, no real comic imitation,"}, {"start": 6.08, "end": 9.6, "text": "spar stage directions for TTS."}, {"start": 9.6, "end": 14.88, "text": "Welcome to Red Line Comedy Club, where the comics are nervous, the drinks are overpriced,"}, {"start": 14.88, "end": 20.28, "text": "and the host has the emotional temperature of a smoke alarm in a waffle house bathroom."}, {"start": 20.28, "end": 26.0, "text": "I am Jesse, tonight I am not your therapist, I am not your guru, I am not your life coach,"}, {"start": 26.0, "end": 30.52, "text": "I am the red light on the dashboard you ignored for six months because the car still technically"}, {"start": 30.52, "end": 32.08, "text": "moved."}, {"start": 32.08, "end": 36.96, "text": "This is open mic under pressure, that means every comic tonight gets a shot, the room"}, {"start": 36.96, "end": 42.32, "text": "gets the truth, and I get to stand here like a disappointed stepfather for jokes."}, {"start": 42.32, "end": 47.36, "text": "We do not do basic observations here, you come on this stage and say, dating apps are"}, {"start": 47.36, "end": 51.88, "text": "weird, I am unplugging the mic and letting the espresso machine headline."}, {"start": 51.88, "end": 56.68, "text": "The espresso machine has better timing and at least it finishes people off."}, {"start": 56.68, "end": 62.28, "text": "Here is the red line rule, truth first, specific detail second, then you take a wrong turn"}, {"start": 62.28, "end": 66.92, "text": "so fast the audience feels the seat belt lock, then you hit the punchline like you are"}, {"start": 66.92, "end": 70.28, "text": "evicting a raccoon from your nervous system."}, {"start": 70.28, "end": 75.98, "text": "Truth I run a cleaning business, specific detail, people ask for a deep clean but leave"}, {"start": 75.98, "end": 82.0, "text": "18 Amazon boxes, three dog beds, and a couch that has seen more bodily fluids than a divorce"}, {"start": 82.0, "end": 84.46, "text": "attorneys waiting room."}, {"start": 84.46, "end": 87.86, "text": "Wrong turn they say, can you just work around it?"}, {"start": 87.86, "end": 92.74, "text": "Punch lady if I could work around this much baggage I would still be married."}, {"start": 92.74, "end": 98.5, "text": "That is a joke, that is a machine, you can hear the gears, set up turn impact tags, callback,"}, {"start": 98.5, "end": 100.66, "text": "not airports are crazy."}, {"start": 100.66, "end": 105.3, "text": "Everybody knows airports are crazy, airports are where adults voluntarily remove their shoes"}, {"start": 105.3, "end": 107.78, "text": "and then judge homeless people."}, {"start": 107.78, "end": 112.74, "text": "Tonight we have five brave fictional open mic comics, they are all consenting adults,"}, {"start": 112.74, "end": 117.7, "text": "they sign the waiver, the waiver says, if Jesse fixes your joke you cannot sue for emotional"}, {"start": 117.7, "end": 119.42, "text": "remodeling."}, {"start": 119.42, "end": 124.34, "text": "We have an exhausted service worker, an older beginner, a dating after divorced disaster,"}, {"start": 124.34, "end": 128.62, "text": "a broke technology addict and an over confident self help failure."}, {"start": 128.62, "end": 134.46, "text": "In other words, the Avengers if the Avengers had overdraft fees and back pain."}, {"start": 134.46, "end": 139.48, "text": "After each set I will do a quick red line rewrite, not a lecture, a live repair, like"}, {"start": 139.48, "end": 144.34, "text": "joke roadside assistance except I am the tow truck driver yelling who taught you to merge"}, {"start": 144.34, "end": 145.98, "text": "like that."}, {"start": 145.98, "end": 149.74, "text": "And later we will do a lightning round on current events themes."}, {"start": 149.74, "end": 155.86, "text": "Broad reports, opinion, no pretending I personally broke into a newsroom, I do not have time."}, {"start": 155.86, "end": 160.22, "text": "My phone still thinks I am a security threat because I forgot a password I created during"}, {"start": 160.22, "end": 163.06, "text": "a panic attack in 2018."}, {"start": 163.06, "end": 167.66, "text": "No breathe, drink, laugh, if you do not laugh I will assume you are processing trauma or"}, {"start": 167.66, "end": 171.5, "text": "waiting for a refund, either way keep it moving."}, {"start": 171.5, "end": 176.82, "text": "Red line comedy club starts now, first comic get up here before my empathy returns."}, {"start": 176.82, "end": 182.14, "text": "Hi, I work in customer service, which means I get paid slightly above minimum wage"}, {"start": 182.14, "end": 187.78, "text": "to absorb the emotional weather of people who cannot read a sign that says, closed."}, {"start": 187.78, "end": 192.22, "text": "My job has taught me that adults do not lose their minds all at once, they lose it one"}, {"start": 192.22, "end": 194.26, "text": "coupon at a time."}, {"start": 194.26, "end": 200.5, "text": "A customer came in yesterday with a coupon from 2019, not expired by a week, not expired"}, {"start": 200.5, "end": 206.02, "text": "by a season, expired back when people still had hobbies and pants with buttons, she slid"}, {"start": 206.02, "end": 209.3, "text": "it across the counter like it was the constitution."}, {"start": 209.3, "end": 212.94, "text": "I said, ma'am this coupon is no longer valid."}, {"start": 212.94, "end": 215.74, "text": "She said, but I found it in my purse."}, {"start": 215.74, "end": 219.02, "text": "That is not evidence, that is archaeology."}, {"start": 219.02, "end": 223.4, "text": "Defining something in your purse made it legal tender, my mom could buy a Buick with cough"}, {"start": 223.4, "end": 228.74, "text": "drops, receipts, and one loose earring from the administration."}, {"start": 228.74, "end": 233.78, "text": "The worst part of customer service is the fake calm voice, you know the voice, I understand"}, {"start": 233.78, "end": 238.96, "text": "your frustration, that voice is not customer service, that is a hostage video with a name"}, {"start": 238.96, "end": 240.74, "text": "tag."}, {"start": 240.74, "end": 245.66, "text": "Inside I am thinking, I hope your debit card gets declined in front of someone attractive,"}, {"start": 245.66, "end": 249.54, "text": "but outside I am like, let me check with my manager."}, {"start": 249.54, "end": 253.5, "text": "And the manager is always in the back doing the same face as a raccoon caught in a porch"}, {"start": 253.5, "end": 260.34, "text": "light, the manager does not have authority, the manager has keys and a worse sleep schedule."}, {"start": 260.34, "end": 263.82, "text": "Customers love saying, I spend a lot of money here."}, {"start": 263.82, "end": 268.18, "text": "Sir you bought one muffin and asked for nine napkins, you are not an investor, you are a"}, {"start": 268.18, "end": 270.14, "text": "moisture event."}, {"start": 270.14, "end": 275.3, "text": "And everybody wants special treatment, can you make mine fresh, fresh, this is a gas station"}, {"start": 275.3, "end": 278.82, "text": "sandwich, it is birth certificate says plastic."}, {"start": 278.82, "end": 285.14, "text": "A lady once asked if our iced coffee was hot, I said no it is iced, she said so it is cold"}, {"start": 285.14, "end": 289.1, "text": "and I had to stand there and respect the customer journey."}, {"start": 289.1, "end": 293.34, "text": "Customer service makes you realize language is a suggestion, people will stare at a sign"}, {"start": 293.34, "end": 297.26, "text": "that says card only and ask, can I pay cash?"}, {"start": 297.26, "end": 302.02, "text": "No, but you can read, let's start there and see where the night takes us."}, {"start": 302.02, "end": 306.54, "text": "The public is addicted to exceptions, everybody thinks they are the emergency, I know you"}, {"start": 306.54, "end": 311.5, "text": "close at nine but I just need one thing, that is how every horror movie starts, I just"}, {"start": 311.5, "end": 316.7, "text": "need one thing, then 30 minutes later I am helping a man decide between two kinds of ranch"}, {"start": 316.7, "end": 319.62, "text": "like his bloodline depends on it."}, {"start": 319.62, "end": 324.22, "text": "People do not shop, they enter a building and develop amnesia, where is the bathroom,"}, {"start": 324.22, "end": 329.18, "text": "there is a sign, where, above your head, oh I did not look up, of course you did not,"}, {"start": 329.18, "end": 331.34, "text": "looking up as for people with hope."}, {"start": 331.34, "end": 336.14, "text": "I have become so tired, I started dreaming and receipt paper, my nightmares print slowly"}, {"start": 336.14, "end": 339.14, "text": "and say, tell us how we did."}, {"start": 339.14, "end": 342.06, "text": "Do you know how many surveys I have begged people to fill out?"}, {"start": 342.06, "end": 347.06, "text": "It only takes two minutes, that is a lie, nothing involving corporate feedback takes two"}, {"start": 347.06, "end": 351.94, "text": "minutes, the survey asks, was your cashier friendly, then would you describe the lighting"}, {"start": 351.94, "end": 353.94, "text": "as empowering?"}, {"start": 353.94, "end": 360.46, "text": "Empowering, I am buying batteries and a frozen burrito, I do not need emotional architecture."}, {"start": 360.46, "end": 364.46, "text": "I hate when customers flirt with you while you are trapped at work, they know you cannot"}, {"start": 364.46, "end": 370.42, "text": "leave, that is not chemistry, that is a hostage negotiation with lip gloss."}, {"start": 370.42, "end": 373.58, "text": "A man asked me, do you come with a coffee?"}, {"start": 373.58, "end": 378.06, "text": "I said no, but the restraining order comes with free refills."}, {"start": 378.06, "end": 383.3, "text": "And jobs always say, we are like family here, that is not a benefit, that is a warning label,"}, {"start": 383.3, "end": 385.94, "text": "my family is why I need money."}, {"start": 385.94, "end": 390.5, "text": "If your workplace says it is a family, somebody is about to ask you to cover a shift during"}, {"start": 390.5, "end": 392.1, "text": "a funeral."}, {"start": 392.1, "end": 396.66, "text": "The schedule comes out at the last second, they act like my personal life is a rumor."}, {"start": 396.66, "end": 397.74, "text": "Can you work Saturday?"}, {"start": 397.74, "end": 402.06, "text": "I said I have plans, they said what plans?"}, {"start": 402.06, "end": 405.14, "text": "Plans to not be here, that is the whole plan."}, {"start": 405.14, "end": 410.92, "text": "I am so tired that on my day off I still tell strangers, have a good one, I told my microwave,"}, {"start": 410.92, "end": 412.78, "text": "receipt in the bag."}, {"start": 412.78, "end": 417.22, "text": "I do not want to be rich, I want enough money to stop being polite to people who use speaker"}, {"start": 417.22, "end": 419.3, "text": "phone in public."}, {"start": 419.3, "end": 424.54, "text": "That is my retirement plan, one day I want to hear somebody say, can I speak to your manager"}, {"start": 424.54, "end": 429.18, "text": "and be able to say no, but you can speak to the part of me that stopped caring in seasonal"}, {"start": 429.18, "end": 430.9, "text": "training."}, {"start": 430.9, "end": 435.78, "text": "Thank you, tip your bartenders, unless they ask you to take a survey, then run."}, {"start": 435.78, "end": 439.38, "text": "Give it up for the exhausted service worker, that was real."}, {"start": 439.38, "end": 445.42, "text": "That set had the smell of burnt coffee, shoe pain, and a manager hiding behind a mop bucket."}, {"start": 445.42, "end": 450.78, "text": "Here is the red line upgrade, the line was, the manager has keys and a worse sleep schedule,"}, {"start": 450.78, "end": 453.78, "text": "good specific, but we can make it meaner."}, {"start": 453.78, "end": 456.74, "text": "Truth the manager cannot save you."}, {"start": 456.74, "end": 460.42, "text": "Specific detail, keys polo shirt dead eyes."}, {"start": 460.42, "end": 464.1, "text": "Wrong turn, customer thinks manager is a judge."}, {"start": 464.1, "end": 469.26, "text": "Punch the manager is not higher authority, the manager is the same prisoner with a lanyard."}, {"start": 469.74, "end": 473.46, "text": "Tag it, you asked for the manager like I was holding back the wizard."}, {"start": 473.46, "end": 478.38, "text": "Ma'am, he is in the freezer eating shredded cheese over the trash can."}, {"start": 478.38, "end": 482.86, "text": "Call back later, if anyone tonight asks for a manager the answer is no."}, {"start": 482.86, "end": 487.9, "text": "The manager is in the back filing a worker's comp claim against the human race."}, {"start": 487.9, "end": 492.78, "text": "That is red line, do not just say customers are rude, put the rude customer in lighting"}, {"start": 492.78, "end": 496.98, "text": "give them a coupon from the fossil record then let the joke bite."}, {"start": 497.02, "end": 501.94, "text": "Next comic and if you brought a 2019 coupon swallow it like evidence."}, {"start": 501.94, "end": 504.5, "text": "Hello, this is my first open mic."}, {"start": 504.5, "end": 510.82, "text": "I am starting comedy later in life because apparently my knees and my shame retired at the same time."}, {"start": 510.82, "end": 515.5, "text": "I told my adult children I was doing stand up, they said that is brave."}, {"start": 515.5, "end": 520.78, "text": "When your family says brave they mean we are worried but want you to park your own car."}, {"start": 520.78, "end": 523.46, "text": "Being older and starting something new is humbling."}, {"start": 523.46, "end": 526.46, "text": "Young people say just put yourself out there."}, {"start": 526.46, "end": 532.38, "text": "That is easy when out there is mostly collagen and rent paid by mysterious forces."}, {"start": 532.38, "end": 538.42, "text": "At my age putting myself out there requires compression socks and a backup plan for stairs."}, {"start": 538.42, "end": 541.26, "text": "I used to think mid life crisis meant a sports car."}, {"start": 541.26, "end": 546.02, "text": "Now it means I bought a ring light and whispered, maybe I have content."}, {"start": 546.02, "end": 549.74, "text": "Nothing will make you feel old faster than trying to record yourself."}, {"start": 549.74, "end": 555.14, "text": "The phone camera opens and suddenly you are face to face with a tired substitute teacher"}, {"start": 555.14, "end": 557.38, "text": "who has seen too much weather."}, {"start": 557.38, "end": 562.14, "text": "I do not know angles, young people know angles, they hold the phone above their face and"}, {"start": 562.14, "end": 564.02, "text": "look like a skincare ad."}, {"start": 564.02, "end": 568.86, "text": "I hold the phone wrong and look like a security camera caught me stealing soup."}, {"start": 568.86, "end": 571.1, "text": "My grand kid tried to teach me tick-tock."}, {"start": 571.1, "end": 572.58, "text": "He said you need a hook."}, {"start": 572.58, "end": 576.18, "text": "I said at my age the hook is that I am upright."}, {"start": 576.18, "end": 578.62, "text": "He said keep the video under 30 seconds."}, {"start": 578.62, "end": 581.98, "text": "I said I have vitamins older than that."}, {"start": 581.98, "end": 584.98, "text": "Young comics talk about anxiety like it is new."}, {"start": 584.98, "end": 587.38, "text": "I had anxiety before it had branding."}, {"start": 587.38, "end": 590.66, "text": "We called it your stomach hurts because bills."}, {"start": 590.66, "end": 592.42, "text": "I am not mocking mental health."}, {"start": 592.42, "end": 593.86, "text": "I believe in therapy."}, {"start": 593.86, "end": 598.22, "text": "I just come from a generation where therapy was sitting in a parked car and saying well"}, {"start": 598.22, "end": 599.62, "text": "that happened."}, {"start": 599.62, "end": 604.02, "text": "Then going inside like your soul did not just file a noise complaint."}, {"start": 604.02, "end": 608.22, "text": "My friends ask why I want to be on stage now because when you get older embarrassment"}, {"start": 608.22, "end": 609.22, "text": "loses leverage."}, {"start": 609.22, "end": 611.78, "text": "What are you going to do make me feel weird?"}, {"start": 611.78, "end": 617.62, "text": "I have had a colonoscopy, a stranger drove a camera through my internal HOA."}, {"start": 617.62, "end": 620.98, "text": "After that bombing on stage is just public weather."}, {"start": 620.98, "end": 623.06, "text": "I did not always want to do comedy."}, {"start": 623.06, "end": 628.74, "text": "I wanted peace but peace is expensive and apparently not covered by insurance."}, {"start": 628.74, "end": 630.18, "text": "So now I tell jokes."}, {"start": 630.18, "end": 632.42, "text": "My doctor said I need to reduce stress."}, {"start": 632.42, "end": 637.1, "text": "I said great I'll perform for drunk strangers who can smell fear."}, {"start": 637.1, "end": 639.1, "text": "Dating at my age is strange too."}, {"start": 639.1, "end": 641.82, "text": "People say there are plenty of fish in the sea."}, {"start": 641.82, "end": 645.9, "text": "At my age the sea has been through a class action lawsuit."}, {"start": 645.9, "end": 650.62, "text": "Everybody has a story, a back brace and one boundary they learned in court."}, {"start": 650.62, "end": 654.58, "text": "I went on a date with a man who said I am very spontaneous."}, {"start": 654.58, "end": 657.3, "text": "That means unemployed with a motorcycle."}, {"start": 657.3, "end": 661.7, "text": "I went on another date with someone who said I do not do drama."}, {"start": 661.7, "end": 665.34, "text": "Nobody says that unless drama has a key to their apartment."}, {"start": 665.34, "end": 669.14, "text": "When starting late has gifts, young people panic if they fail."}, {"start": 669.14, "end": 671.5, "text": "Older people no failure has office hours."}, {"start": 671.5, "end": 674.9, "text": "You can visit sign in and leave with paperwork."}, {"start": 674.9, "end": 679.38, "text": "I have failed at marriage, diets, houseplants and a bread machine that sounded like it was"}, {"start": 679.38, "end": 681.7, "text": "summoning a demon from the pantry."}, {"start": 681.7, "end": 684.54, "text": "A seven minute open might cannot destroy me."}, {"start": 684.54, "end": 686.9, "text": "It can only join the committee."}, {"start": 686.9, "end": 689.94, "text": "My biggest fear tonight was forgetting my jokes."}, {"start": 689.94, "end": 694.9, "text": "Then I remembered I forget why I enter rooms and still keep a household running."}, {"start": 694.9, "end": 697.46, "text": "Your brains are not broken, they are full."}, {"start": 697.46, "end": 702.54, "text": "I have passwords, recipes, grudges, appliance warranties and the exact tone my mother used"}, {"start": 702.54, "end": 706.26, "text": "in 1987 when she said, fine."}, {"start": 706.26, "end": 708.78, "text": "That fine is still in my spine."}, {"start": 708.78, "end": 713.62, "text": "So if you are young start now, if you are older start anyway, people say life is short."}, {"start": 713.62, "end": 718.38, "text": "No, life is weirdly long in the parts where you are waiting on hold."}, {"start": 718.38, "end": 723.46, "text": "Do the thing take the class, get on stage where comfortable shoes and if you bomb remember"}, {"start": 723.46, "end": 727.18, "text": "at least nobody is steering a camera through your basement."}, {"start": 727.18, "end": 728.54, "text": "Thank you I survived."}, {"start": 728.54, "end": 731.74, "text": "My children can stop tracking my location."}, {"start": 731.74, "end": 733.46, "text": "Give it up for the older beginner."}, {"start": 733.46, "end": 735.38, "text": "That was not beginner energy."}, {"start": 735.38, "end": 739.82, "text": "That was I brought snacks, trauma and a folder labeled receipts."}, {"start": 739.82, "end": 743.38, "text": "The line I love, a seven minute open might cannot destroy me."}, {"start": 743.38, "end": 745.18, "text": "It can only join the committee."}, {"start": 745.18, "end": 748.86, "text": "That has truth, but red line wants a sharper visual."}, {"start": 748.86, "end": 750.18, "text": "Try this."}, {"start": 750.18, "end": 754.62, "text": "I have failed at marriage, diets, houseplants and a bread machine that sounded like it was"}, {"start": 754.62, "end": 756.86, "text": "trying to unionize the pantry."}, {"start": 756.86, "end": 760.42, "text": "If this open mic ruins me, it needs to take a number."}, {"start": 760.42, "end": 763.74, "text": "My self esteem already has a waiting room."}, {"start": 763.74, "end": 768.74, "text": "Then tag there is a clipboard, divorce signed in at nine, keto signed in at ten, my"}, {"start": 768.74, "end": 771.7, "text": "ficus is still listed as missing."}, {"start": 771.7, "end": 774.62, "text": "That is how you make age funny without insulting age."}, {"start": 774.62, "end": 779.5, "text": "The target is not wrinkles, the target is life's inventory, specific failures, bread"}, {"start": 779.5, "end": 784.14, "text": "machine, waiting room, clipboard, now the crowd sees it."}, {"start": 784.14, "end": 787.62, "text": "Also brave from family is brutal, upgrade."}, {"start": 787.62, "end": 791.66, "text": "When your adult kids call you brave, they are already choosing which sibling has to drive"}, {"start": 791.66, "end": 795.06, "text": "you home if this becomes a wellness incident."}, {"start": 795.06, "end": 800.26, "text": "Nice set next comic, if your bread machine is in the room keep an eye on the exits."}, {"start": 800.26, "end": 806.66, "text": "I am recently divorced, thank you, please hold your applause until the assets stop bleeding."}, {"start": 806.66, "end": 810.7, "text": "This is weird because people say, at least now you know what you want."}, {"start": 810.7, "end": 814.46, "text": "No, now I know what paperwork smells like when love dies."}, {"start": 814.46, "end": 819.7, "text": "I got back on dating apps, dating apps after divorce are not romantic, they are a farmer's"}, {"start": 819.7, "end": 823.46, "text": "market for unresolved attachment styles."}, {"start": 823.46, "end": 827.5, "text": "Everybody is healing, nobody is healed, everybody is doing the work."}, {"start": 827.5, "end": 833.34, "text": "The work appears to be taking mirror selfies in a dirty bathroom and writing, no drama."}, {"start": 833.34, "end": 839.1, "text": "No drama is the biggest red flag that is like a restaurant sign that says no rats today."}, {"start": 839.1, "end": 841.14, "text": "Why did you need to print that?"}, {"start": 841.14, "end": 845.42, "text": "My profile says, emotionally available, that was optimistic."}, {"start": 845.42, "end": 850.66, "text": "I am emotionally available the way a motel vending machine is available, technically open,"}, {"start": 850.66, "end": 855.1, "text": "mostly broken, and if you shake me something dangerous falls out."}, {"start": 855.1, "end": 860.22, "text": "First date after divorce I overprepared, new shirt, haircut, breath mint, emergency exit"}, {"start": 860.22, "end": 861.22, "text": "strategy."}, {"start": 861.22, "end": 865.42, "text": "I sat down and she said, so what did you learn from your marriage?"}, {"start": 865.42, "end": 869.98, "text": "I said never buy a couch with someone who says, we'll figure it out."}, {"start": 869.98, "end": 875.74, "text": "That is marriage, two people pointing at a couch neither one can afford calling it a future."}, {"start": 875.74, "end": 882.22, "text": "Dating now is all therapy vocabulary with bar tabs, someone will say, I need a secure attachment,"}, {"start": 882.22, "end": 886.26, "text": "then order six tequila shots and text their ex under the table."}, {"start": 886.26, "end": 891.26, "text": "I dated a woman who said she was protecting her peace, her peace had three ring cameras"}, {"start": 891.26, "end": 894.1, "text": "and a pit bull named closure."}, {"start": 894.1, "end": 899.14, "text": "Another person told me, I am not looking for anything serious, I respect that, I am also"}, {"start": 899.14, "end": 904.02, "text": "not looking for anything serious, that is why my smoke detector chirps in Morse code and"}, {"start": 904.02, "end": 906.26, "text": "I call it ambience."}, {"start": 906.26, "end": 911.1, "text": "After divorce your house becomes a museum of bad compromise, I still have throw pillows"}, {"start": 911.1, "end": 915.26, "text": "I never liked, they sit on the couch like tiny square witnesses."}, {"start": 915.78, "end": 920.38, "text": "A date came over and said, these pillows are cute, I said careful, they were awarded in"}, {"start": 920.38, "end": 922.18, "text": "the settlement."}, {"start": 922.18, "end": 927.18, "text": "Sex after divorce is also strange, you spend years with one person, then suddenly you"}, {"start": 927.18, "end": 931.98, "text": "are expected to be confident naked under new lighting, new lighting should be disclosed"}, {"start": 931.98, "end": 933.82, "text": "in the profile."}, {"start": 933.82, "end": 939.3, "text": "There should be a filter, soft lamps only, no overhead interrogation bulbs, candles if"}, {"start": 939.3, "end": 942.1, "text": "either of us has eaten bread this week."}, {"start": 942.1, "end": 946.74, "text": "You know you are older when your sexy prep includes stretching, not seductive stretching,"}, {"start": 946.74, "end": 948.82, "text": "liability stretching."}, {"start": 948.82, "end": 953.9, "text": "I pulled a muscle taking off my jeans too fast, that is not passion, that is a worker's"}, {"start": 953.9, "end": 956.46, "text": "comp claim with cologne."}, {"start": 956.46, "end": 961.14, "text": "And nobody tells you that post divorce flirting is just customer service with hormones."}, {"start": 961.14, "end": 966.3, "text": "How was your day, what do you do, any allergies, are you currently in litigation with your own"}, {"start": 966.3, "end": 967.3, "text": "personality?"}, {"start": 968.02, "end": 972.86, "text": "I went out with someone who said, I am an empath, that means they can sense your feelings"}, {"start": 972.86, "end": 975.46, "text": "right before they make them worse."}, {"start": 975.46, "end": 980.58, "text": "She said, I feel energy, I said good can you feel who is paying for parking?"}, {"start": 980.58, "end": 985.42, "text": "The apps make you choose prompts, my simple pleasures are, I wrote, a quiet house and"}, {"start": 985.42, "end": 988.34, "text": "not being asked where the scissors went."}, {"start": 988.34, "end": 992.9, "text": "That is intimacy after divorce, someone knowing where the scissors are and not turning"}, {"start": 992.9, "end": 995.7, "text": "it into a federal investigation."}, {"start": 995.7, "end": 1001.5, "text": "I do mismarriage sometimes, not the fighting, the witness, somebody knew I hated olives,"}, {"start": 1001.5, "end": 1005.74, "text": "somebody knew my ankle made a clicking sound when it rained, somebody knew the sound I made"}, {"start": 1005.74, "end": 1011.9, "text": "when I opened a bill and tried to act religious about budgeting without using any sacred language."}, {"start": 1011.9, "end": 1017.9, "text": "Now I am single and if I choke on a grape, my phone will ask if I want to rate the experience."}, {"start": 1017.9, "end": 1022.66, "text": "But divorce taught me something, love is not enough, love is the brochure, compatibility"}, {"start": 1022.66, "end": 1024.46, "text": "is the plumbing."}, {"start": 1024.46, "end": 1030.42, "text": "You can have passion, chemistry, shared playlists, great sex, matching Halloween costumes."}, {"start": 1030.42, "end": 1034.46, "text": "But if one person loads the dishwasher like they are hiding evidence, the house becomes"}, {"start": 1034.46, "end": 1036.18, "text": "a courtroom."}, {"start": 1036.18, "end": 1040.94, "text": "My next relationship will have romance, yes, but also a practical test."}, {"start": 1040.94, "end": 1045.34, "text": "Before we move in, I am giving them a fitted sheet, a Wi-Fi password with symbols and a"}, {"start": 1045.34, "end": 1047.74, "text": "customer service phone tree."}, {"start": 1047.74, "end": 1052.58, "text": "If they survive all three without becoming cruel, we can talk about forever."}, {"start": 1052.58, "end": 1056.22, "text": "More than I am dating carefully, I am not bitter, I am seasoned."}, {"start": 1056.22, "end": 1061.38, "text": "There is a difference, bitter is angry, seasoned has paperwork and better jokes."}, {"start": 1061.38, "end": 1066.1, "text": "Thank you if anyone asks, I am protecting my peace in the parking lot."}, {"start": 1066.1, "end": 1068.9, "text": "Give it up for the dating after divorce disaster."}, {"start": 1068.9, "end": 1073.3, "text": "That set had court fees, candlelight and emotional asbestos."}, {"start": 1073.3, "end": 1078.78, "text": "The strong line, love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, that is clean, red line wants"}, {"start": 1078.78, "end": 1080.78, "text": "blood on the wrench."}, {"start": 1080.78, "end": 1082.26, "text": "You right?"}, {"start": 1082.26, "end": 1087.62, "text": "Love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, and divorce is when you find out the brochure"}, {"start": 1087.62, "end": 1092.66, "text": "had beach photos, but the pipes were held together with resentment, Venmo requests, and one"}, {"start": 1092.66, "end": 1095.66, "text": "drawer nobody was allowed to open."}, {"start": 1095.66, "end": 1100.7, "text": "Tag every couple has that drawer, batteries, menus, betrayal, scissors and a key nobody"}, {"start": 1100.7, "end": 1102.7, "text": "explains."}, {"start": 1102.7, "end": 1107.26, "text": "Another upgrade, no drama as the rat sign, great, add the turn."}, {"start": 1107.26, "end": 1112.66, "text": "When someone's profile says no drama, I do not swipe left, I call the health department,"}, {"start": 1112.66, "end": 1114.9, "text": "that building has history."}, {"start": 1114.9, "end": 1120.9, "text": "That is the move, treat dating profiles like crime scenes, treat throw pillows like witnesses,"}, {"start": 1120.9, "end": 1124.22, "text": "treat overhead lighting like a federal agency."}, {"start": 1124.22, "end": 1128.54, "text": "Next comic, somebody check if closure the pit bull is in the green room."}, {"start": 1128.54, "end": 1131.38, "text": "I am broke but I own too much technology."}, {"start": 1131.38, "end": 1136.66, "text": "That is the modern American condition, no savings, six charging cables and a phone that"}, {"start": 1136.66, "end": 1140.22, "text": "recognizes my face better than my father did."}, {"start": 1140.22, "end": 1143.26, "text": "I keep buying devices to organize my life."}, {"start": 1143.26, "end": 1147.62, "text": "My life is now completely disorganized across seven devices."}, {"start": 1147.62, "end": 1152.9, "text": "I have a laptop, tablet, smartwatch, old phone, new phone, cloud storage, backup drive,"}, {"start": 1152.9, "end": 1157.02, "text": "and a smart speaker that hears everything except stop."}, {"start": 1157.02, "end": 1160.74, "text": "Technology promised convenience, what it delivered was updates."}, {"start": 1160.74, "end": 1165.1, "text": "Every device in my house wakes up at 2 a.m. and decides it needs to become a slightly"}, {"start": 1165.1, "end": 1167.58, "text": "worse version of itself."}, {"start": 1167.58, "end": 1170.14, "text": "My phone updated and moved the buttons."}, {"start": 1170.14, "end": 1171.66, "text": "That is not innovation."}, {"start": 1171.66, "end": 1175.3, "text": "That is someone rearranging your bathroom while you are drunk."}, {"start": 1175.3, "end": 1176.9, "text": "I am addicted to AI too."}, {"start": 1176.9, "end": 1178.74, "text": "I ask AI everything."}, {"start": 1178.74, "end": 1180.62, "text": "I asked it how to save money."}, {"start": 1180.62, "end": 1181.94, "text": "It recommended budgeting."}, {"start": 1181.94, "end": 1184.98, "text": "I asked again with more emotional vulnerability."}, {"start": 1184.98, "end": 1188.14, "text": "It recommended budgeting in a warmer tone."}, {"start": 1188.14, "end": 1191.34, "text": "AI is like a therapist who also works at staples."}, {"start": 1191.34, "end": 1192.74, "text": "I hear your pain."}, {"start": 1192.74, "end": 1195.18, "text": "Do you like that as a bullet list?"}, {"start": 1195.18, "end": 1198.58, "text": "I ask AI for meal plans while ordering delivery."}, {"start": 1198.58, "end": 1199.82, "text": "That is who I am."}, {"start": 1199.82, "end": 1202.7, "text": "I want a spreadsheet to witness the crime."}, {"start": 1202.7, "end": 1204.9, "text": "I asked AI to make me productive."}, {"start": 1204.9, "end": 1206.66, "text": "It gave me a morning routine."}, {"start": 1206.66, "end": 1210.7, "text": "Wake up at five, hydrate, journal, meditate, stretch, review goals."}, {"start": 1210.7, "end": 1212.26, "text": "That is not a routine."}, {"start": 1212.26, "end": 1216.46, "text": "That is a hostage schedule for a man with no children and no rent."}, {"start": 1216.46, "end": 1221.26, "text": "My morning routine is waking up, checking my bank account, making a noise like a printer"}, {"start": 1221.26, "end": 1225.9, "text": "jam and going back under the blanket to negotiate with electricity."}, {"start": 1225.9, "end": 1229.1, "text": "I have subscriptions I do not remember starting."}, {"start": 1229.1, "end": 1234.22, "text": "Every month my bank statement looks like raccoons got into a software conference."}, {"start": 1234.22, "end": 1240.98, "text": "$9 here, $12 there, premium sync, cloud pro, AI plus, storage family, and one charge"}, {"start": 1240.98, "end": 1243.14, "text": "that just says productivity."}, {"start": 1243.14, "end": 1247.38, "text": "If productivity is billing me it should come over and fold laundry."}, {"start": 1247.38, "end": 1249.06, "text": "I tried to cancel a subscription."}, {"start": 1249.06, "end": 1251.14, "text": "They make you click through five screens."}, {"start": 1251.14, "end": 1254.18, "text": "Are you sure yes, can we offer 50% off?"}, {"start": 1254.18, "end": 1257.9, "text": "No, what if we show you a sad cartoon cloud?"}, {"start": 1257.9, "end": 1261.1, "text": "Now I am negotiating with weather."}, {"start": 1261.1, "end": 1262.94, "text": "Passwords are ruining society."}, {"start": 1262.94, "end": 1268.02, "text": "Every password needs uppercase, lowercase, number, symbol, ancient grief, and a blood sample"}, {"start": 1268.02, "end": 1270.06, "text": "from your first pet."}, {"start": 1270.06, "end": 1273.22, "text": "Then the website says you cannot use a previous password."}, {"start": 1273.22, "end": 1274.22, "text": "Why not?"}, {"start": 1274.22, "end": 1276.1, "text": "It was the only one I loved."}, {"start": 1276.1, "end": 1279.18, "text": "Two-factor authentication is supposed to protect me."}, {"start": 1279.18, "end": 1283.62, "text": "Some who, at this point the only person locked out of my accounts is me."}, {"start": 1283.62, "end": 1288.22, "text": "The hackers are probably inside already cleaning up my files out of pity."}, {"start": 1288.22, "end": 1289.98, "text": "I have a smart home."}, {"start": 1289.98, "end": 1292.98, "text": "Nothing makes you feel dumber than arguing with a lamp."}, {"start": 1292.98, "end": 1295.1, "text": "I said turn on the bedroom light."}, {"start": 1295.1, "end": 1297.7, "text": "It said playing smooth jazz."}, {"start": 1297.7, "end": 1303.62, "text": "Now I am standing in the dark, financially unstable, getting seduced by my own infrastructure."}, {"start": 1303.62, "end": 1305.42, "text": "My refrigerator has Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 1305.42, "end": 1306.42, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 1306.42, "end": 1308.66, "text": "So it can judge the cheese remotely."}, {"start": 1308.66, "end": 1313.1, "text": "If my fridge is smart, it should know not to let me open it at midnight like I am checking"}, {"start": 1313.1, "end": 1314.9, "text": "for emotional updates."}, {"start": 1314.9, "end": 1317.78, "text": "AI Image Generators scare me."}, {"start": 1317.78, "end": 1321.98, "text": "You type, make a professional headshot, and it gives you a man who looks like he sells"}, {"start": 1321.98, "end": 1323.54, "text": "insurance to ghosts."}, {"start": 1323.54, "end": 1325.86, "text": "AI wrote my resume."}, {"start": 1325.86, "end": 1329.38, "text": "It said I was a dynamic solutions-oriented stakeholder."}, {"start": 1329.38, "end": 1332.74, "text": "I worked a register and cried in a parking lot."}, {"start": 1332.74, "end": 1337.86, "text": "But I kept it because apparently employers like lies if they have margins."}, {"start": 1337.86, "end": 1339.74, "text": "My friends say go outside."}, {"start": 1339.74, "end": 1342.7, "text": "I do go outside to get better signal."}, {"start": 1342.7, "end": 1348.18, "text": "I am trying to be less dependent on technology, so I bought an app for digital minimalism."}, {"start": 1348.18, "end": 1351.82, "text": "That is like hiring a bartender to help you quit tequila."}, {"start": 1351.82, "end": 1354.46, "text": "The app said screen time down 12%."}, {"start": 1354.46, "end": 1355.46, "text": "Great."}, {"start": 1355.46, "end": 1359.58, "text": "My anxiety used the extra time to start a podcast in my head."}, {"start": 1359.58, "end": 1362.22, "text": "The worst is when technology pretends to care."}, {"start": 1362.22, "end": 1364.62, "text": "We noticed you have not backed up your memories."}, {"start": 1364.62, "end": 1369.34, "text": "Those are photos from brunch and screenshots of things I was too overwhelmed to read."}, {"start": 1369.34, "end": 1371.94, "text": "Calm down, robot scrapbook."}, {"start": 1371.94, "end": 1374.5, "text": "AI will not replace humans completely."}, {"start": 1374.5, "end": 1375.74, "text": "It cannot."}, {"start": 1375.74, "end": 1376.98, "text": "Humans have one advantage."}, {"start": 1376.98, "end": 1379.18, "text": "We can ruin things with confidence."}, {"start": 1379.18, "end": 1384.98, "text": "AI can write an email, but only a human can write per my last email and mean I hope"}, {"start": 1384.98, "end": 1387.62, "text": "your chair collapses during a meeting."}, {"start": 1387.62, "end": 1392.14, "text": "I am broke because I keep paying for the fantasy that one more tool will fix me."}, {"start": 1392.14, "end": 1396.74, "text": "But no app can fix a person who downloads a budget template and names it final, final"}, {"start": 1396.74, "end": 1398.5, "text": "real this time."}, {"start": 1398.5, "end": 1400.22, "text": "XLSX."}, {"start": 1400.22, "end": 1401.94, "text": "My life is not in the cloud."}, {"start": 1401.94, "end": 1404.18, "text": "My life is in the fog."}, {"start": 1404.18, "end": 1406.06, "text": "Thank you if this set went well."}, {"start": 1406.06, "end": 1410.9, "text": "Please like, subscribe, enable notifications and lend me eight dollars."}, {"start": 1410.9, "end": 1412.74, "text": "Give it up for the broke tech addict."}, {"start": 1412.74, "end": 1416.26, "text": "That was a man being slowly repossessed by Bluetooth."}, {"start": 1416.26, "end": 1421.38, "text": "The line AI is like a therapist who also works at staples, strong, red line version."}, {"start": 1421.38, "end": 1425.18, "text": "AI is a therapist trapped inside a copy shop."}, {"start": 1425.18, "end": 1427.98, "text": "It says, I hear your abandonment wound."}, {"start": 1427.98, "end": 1433.38, "text": "Would you like it laminated, summarized or exported as a PDF nobody opens?"}, {"start": 1433.38, "end": 1436.46, "text": "Tag I asked it for healing and it gave me a dashboard."}, {"start": 1436.46, "end": 1439.3, "text": "Now my trauma has a progress bar."}, {"start": 1439.3, "end": 1441.34, "text": "That is the Jesse Lane right there."}, {"start": 1441.34, "end": 1445.98, "text": "I own machines with more memory than most marriages and somehow I still cannot find the"}, {"start": 1445.98, "end": 1448.86, "text": "file I saved ten minutes ago."}, {"start": 1448.86, "end": 1451.58, "text": "The machine says, upload a smaller file."}, {"start": 1451.58, "end": 1455.06, "text": "Brother that is not a tech error that is my life coach."}, {"start": 1455.06, "end": 1458.1, "text": "Call back if the manager is a prisoner with a lanyard."}, {"start": 1458.1, "end": 1461.18, "text": "AI is a prisoner with a bullet list."}, {"start": 1461.18, "end": 1466.34, "text": "Next comic, please silence your phones unless your phone is also paying rent in which case"}, {"start": 1466.34, "end": 1468.74, "text": "tell it to cover the tab."}, {"start": 1468.74, "end": 1470.06, "text": "What is up winners?"}, {"start": 1470.06, "end": 1475.26, "text": "I am a motivational speaker between opportunities which is a powerful way to say unemployed with"}, {"start": 1475.26, "end": 1477.18, "text": "a canvara count."}, {"start": 1477.18, "end": 1479.02, "text": "I believe in mindset."}, {"start": 1479.02, "end": 1480.42, "text": "Mindset is everything."}, {"start": 1480.42, "end": 1484.18, "text": "If your life is falling apart simply reframe it as expansion."}, {"start": 1484.18, "end": 1487.14, "text": "If your car gets repossessed that is not failure."}, {"start": 1487.14, "end": 1489.98, "text": "That is the universe encouraging cardio."}, {"start": 1489.98, "end": 1493.78, "text": "I got into self help because I wanted to transform my life."}, {"start": 1493.78, "end": 1499.42, "text": "Also because I owed money and the word abundance looks amazing on a beige background."}, {"start": 1499.42, "end": 1500.9, "text": "I used to be negative."}, {"start": 1500.9, "end": 1505.06, "text": "Now I am positive in a way that makes people leave group chats."}, {"start": 1505.06, "end": 1506.7, "text": "Every morning I do affirmations."}, {"start": 1506.7, "end": 1508.66, "text": "I look in the mirror and say, I am worthy."}, {"start": 1508.66, "end": 1509.66, "text": "I am powerful."}, {"start": 1509.66, "end": 1511.14, "text": "I am aligned."}, {"start": 1511.14, "end": 1514.62, "text": "Then the mirror says you're checking account disagrees."}, {"start": 1514.62, "end": 1516.22, "text": "I tried manifestation."}, {"start": 1516.22, "end": 1517.66, "text": "I made a vision board."}, {"start": 1517.66, "end": 1522.46, "text": "It had a beach house, six back abs, passive income and a calm nervous system."}, {"start": 1522.46, "end": 1526.74, "text": "So far I have ascended candle and suspicious chest tightness."}, {"start": 1526.74, "end": 1528.98, "text": "You will misunderstand manifestation."}, {"start": 1528.98, "end": 1531.18, "text": "You cannot just visualize success."}, {"start": 1531.18, "end": 1534.66, "text": "You have to also ignore reality with discipline."}, {"start": 1534.66, "end": 1535.66, "text": "That is my gift."}, {"start": 1535.66, "end": 1539.5, "text": "I can look at a pile of unpaid bills and say, this is not debt."}, {"start": 1539.5, "end": 1541.9, "text": "This is energetic suspense."}, {"start": 1541.9, "end": 1543.74, "text": "I started a coaching business."}, {"start": 1543.74, "end": 1546.14, "text": "My niche is helping people find their niche."}, {"start": 1546.14, "end": 1550.54, "text": "Then I realized my niche was not having one that is advanced."}, {"start": 1550.54, "end": 1553.78, "text": "I sold a course called from chaos to clarity."}, {"start": 1553.78, "end": 1557.9, "text": "It was delayed because I lost the password to the course platform."}, {"start": 1557.9, "end": 1559.7, "text": "But that is part of the journey."}, {"start": 1559.7, "end": 1563.98, "text": "If I had clarity already I could not teach chaos authentically."}, {"start": 1563.98, "end": 1569.94, "text": "Self-help loves words that mean nothing but sound expensive, alignment, embodiment, frequency,"}, {"start": 1569.94, "end": 1570.94, "text": "container."}, {"start": 1570.94, "end": 1575.22, "text": "I went to a workshop where a woman said we are creating a container for abundance."}, {"start": 1575.22, "end": 1579.78, "text": "It was a rented conference room with no windows and one bowl of mints."}, {"start": 1579.78, "end": 1582.06, "text": "That is not a container for abundance."}, {"start": 1582.06, "end": 1585.78, "text": "That is where HR sends people after a printer incident."}, {"start": 1585.78, "end": 1587.9, "text": "I tried cold plunges."}, {"start": 1587.9, "end": 1590.58, "text": "Everybody says cold plunges build resilience."}, {"start": 1590.58, "end": 1594.98, "text": "I got in for six seconds and made a sound that reset my ancestry."}, {"start": 1594.98, "end": 1596.62, "text": "I did not become resilient."}, {"start": 1596.62, "end": 1599.06, "text": "I became angry at water."}, {"start": 1599.06, "end": 1600.9, "text": "Then I tried breathwork."}, {"start": 1600.9, "end": 1606.1, "text": "Breathwork is amazing because for only $75 someone reminds you to do the thing you were already"}, {"start": 1606.1, "end": 1608.02, "text": "doing for free."}, {"start": 1608.02, "end": 1609.02, "text": "I am not judging."}, {"start": 1609.02, "end": 1610.58, "text": "I paid twice."}, {"start": 1610.58, "end": 1615.18, "text": "The second time I upgraded to premium breathing, same air better playlist."}, {"start": 1615.18, "end": 1618.58, "text": "I went on a silent retreat three days of no talking."}, {"start": 1618.58, "end": 1622.26, "text": "It was peaceful until I realized my inner voice is not wise."}, {"start": 1622.26, "end": 1625.3, "text": "It is a drunk raccoon with a podcast."}, {"start": 1625.3, "end": 1629.98, "text": "By hour six my thoughts were like what if every chair has a favorite person that is not"}, {"start": 1629.98, "end": 1634.38, "text": "enlightenment that is low blood sugar in linen pants."}, {"start": 1634.38, "end": 1638.58, "text": "Self-help people say you are the average of the five people around you."}, {"start": 1638.58, "end": 1643.58, "text": "That is terrifying because the five people around me are broke, late, overcaffeinated,"}, {"start": 1643.58, "end": 1647.26, "text": "and one guy who sells crypto from a massage table."}, {"start": 1647.26, "end": 1648.9, "text": "So I upgraded my circle."}, {"start": 1648.9, "end": 1650.58, "text": "I joined a mastermind."}, {"start": 1650.58, "end": 1655.46, "text": "A mastermind is when eight people with no answers charge each other to nod."}, {"start": 1655.46, "end": 1657.9, "text": "We met every Tuesday to discuss scaling."}, {"start": 1657.9, "end": 1659.22, "text": "None of us had customers."}, {"start": 1659.22, "end": 1661.34, "text": "We were scaling vibes."}, {"start": 1661.34, "end": 1662.34, "text": "I hired a coach."}, {"start": 1662.34, "end": 1664.1, "text": "Then my coach hired a coach."}, {"start": 1664.1, "end": 1665.58, "text": "Then that coach hired a coach."}, {"start": 1665.58, "end": 1669.02, "text": "It was a pyramid scheme made of breakthroughs."}, {"start": 1669.02, "end": 1673.1, "text": "Everybody was healing their money wound by invicing each other."}, {"start": 1673.1, "end": 1675.06, "text": "My family does not understand my journey."}, {"start": 1675.06, "end": 1676.5, "text": "They say get a job."}, {"start": 1676.5, "end": 1678.46, "text": "I say I am building a brand."}, {"start": 1678.46, "end": 1680.1, "text": "They say brands have income."}, {"start": 1680.1, "end": 1683.74, "text": "I say not in the pre-revenue embodiment phase."}, {"start": 1683.74, "end": 1685.46, "text": "My dad said you need structure."}, {"start": 1685.46, "end": 1687.38, "text": "I said structure is colonial."}, {"start": 1687.38, "end": 1688.78, "text": "He said rent is due."}, {"start": 1688.78, "end": 1692.7, "text": "I said rent is also colonial, but they seem committed."}, {"start": 1692.7, "end": 1697.26, "text": "I know I sound ridiculous, but self-help did teach me one real thing."}, {"start": 1697.26, "end": 1699.46, "text": "Confidence is not always evidence."}, {"start": 1699.46, "end": 1702.9, "text": "Sometimes confidence is just fear wearing a blazer."}, {"start": 1702.9, "end": 1707.34, "text": "That hit me hard because I own three blazers and no printer ink."}, {"start": 1707.34, "end": 1710.38, "text": "So now I am trying honesty, brutal honesty."}, {"start": 1710.38, "end": 1716.14, "text": "My new affirmation is I am capable, but I need to stop calling avoidance strategy."}, {"start": 1716.14, "end": 1717.3, "text": "That is growth."}, {"start": 1717.3, "end": 1719.54, "text": "Real growth is not a vision board."}, {"start": 1719.54, "end": 1724.14, "text": "Real growth is deleting the app, paying the bill, apologizing without a TED talk and"}, {"start": 1724.14, "end": 1728.34, "text": "going to bed before your personality starts making decisions."}, {"start": 1728.34, "end": 1730.38, "text": "But I still believe in abundance."}, {"start": 1730.38, "end": 1732.86, "text": "I believe there is enough for everyone."}, {"start": 1732.86, "end": 1737.1, "text": "Enough love, enough opportunity, enough healing, enough free webinars that become sales"}, {"start": 1737.1, "end": 1739.78, "text": "funnels at minute 42."}, {"start": 1739.78, "end": 1744.7, "text": "So follow your dreams, but maybe also check your oil, answer the email, and stop calling"}, {"start": 1744.7, "end": 1747.34, "text": "every inconvenience apportal."}, {"start": 1747.34, "end": 1750.74, "text": "Because it is just a late fee with incense on it."}, {"start": 1750.74, "end": 1752.42, "text": "Thank you, you are all powerful."}, {"start": 1752.42, "end": 1755.06, "text": "My Venmo is also powerful."}, {"start": 1755.06, "end": 1757.14, "text": "Give it up for the self-help failure."}, {"start": 1757.14, "end": 1763.06, "text": "That set had beige graphics, debt, and the haunted smell of essential oil on unpaid rent."}, {"start": 1763.06, "end": 1767.18, "text": "The best line, a mastermind is when eight people with no answers charge each other to"}, {"start": 1767.18, "end": 1768.18, "text": "nod."}, {"start": 1768.18, "end": 1771.26, "text": "That is clean, red line upgrade."}, {"start": 1771.26, "end": 1776.18, "text": "A mastermind is eight people with no customers sitting in a hotel conference room, charging"}, {"start": 1776.18, "end": 1781.14, "text": "each other $400 to say scale at a bowl of mints."}, {"start": 1781.14, "end": 1785.42, "text": "Tag by the end, the mints had the strongest business model."}, {"start": 1785.42, "end": 1790.66, "text": "Another one, confidence is fear wearing a blazer, great punch it harder."}, {"start": 1790.66, "end": 1793.74, "text": "Confidence is fear wearing a blazer and carrying a ring light."}, {"start": 1793.74, "end": 1797.3, "text": "It has no plan, but it does have a link in bio."}, {"start": 1797.3, "end": 1799.82, "text": "That is the difference between idea and image."}, {"start": 1799.82, "end": 1801.54, "text": "You gave us a concept."}, {"start": 1801.54, "end": 1807.5, "text": "Red line puts it in a hotel conference room with one bowl of mints and a man scaling vibes."}, {"start": 1807.5, "end": 1809.5, "text": "All five comics survived."}, {"start": 1809.5, "end": 1810.94, "text": "Nobody asked for a manager."}, {"start": 1810.94, "end": 1814.46, "text": "The manager is still in the freezer with shredded cheese."}, {"start": 1814.46, "end": 1816.46, "text": "Now we do lightning."}, {"start": 1816.46, "end": 1818.1, "text": "Quick lightning round."}, {"start": 1818.1, "end": 1823.26, "text": "These are based on broadly reported themes and my opinion, not secret documents, not inside"}, {"start": 1823.26, "end": 1828.5, "text": "sources, not a guy on a podcast wearing sunglasses indoors."}, {"start": 1828.5, "end": 1831.1, "text": "Reports keep saying everything is getting automated."}, {"start": 1831.1, "end": 1837.02, "text": "AI is coming for jobs, art, customer service, dating, coding, therapy, driving, scheduling,"}, {"start": 1837.02, "end": 1839.78, "text": "maybe even comedy, relax."}, {"start": 1839.78, "end": 1845.3, "text": "AI cannot replace open mic comics until it learns to blame the audience for silence."}, {"start": 1845.3, "end": 1849.3, "text": "AI can generate a joke but can it stand in a basement bar at 11."}, {"start": 1849.3, "end": 1855.38, "text": "47 pm after three people left during the setup and still say, you guys are great."}, {"start": 1855.38, "end": 1857.94, "text": "That takes human delusion."}, {"start": 1857.94, "end": 1860.54, "text": "Everybody is worried robots will become conscious."}, {"start": 1860.54, "end": 1863.5, "text": "I am more worried they will become middle management."}, {"start": 1863.5, "end": 1869.02, "text": "Imagine a robot saying, circle back in a voice that never gets tired."}, {"start": 1869.02, "end": 1871.74, "text": "Economic reports keep saying people feel squeezed."}, {"start": 1871.74, "end": 1873.38, "text": "Of course they do."}, {"start": 1873.38, "end": 1877.66, "text": "Groceries now cost so much the self checkout should offer financing."}, {"start": 1877.66, "end": 1881.26, "text": "The checkout machine offered extended coverage on a carton of eggs."}, {"start": 1881.26, "end": 1883.62, "text": "I said, protect the breakfast."}, {"start": 1883.62, "end": 1887.22, "text": "My future stopped qualifying three purchases ago."}, {"start": 1887.22, "end": 1889.1, "text": "Housing keeps being impossible."}, {"start": 1889.1, "end": 1893.3, "text": "People say just by a starter home, where in a board game."}, {"start": 1893.3, "end": 1898.54, "text": "A starter home now is a shed with Wi-Fi, one emotionally complex raccoon and a listing"}, {"start": 1898.54, "end": 1901.42, "text": "that says cozy opportunity."}, {"start": 1901.42, "end": 1905.1, "text": "Every company is rebranding inconvenience as innovation."}, {"start": 1905.1, "end": 1907.82, "text": "Hotels do not clean your room every day anymore."}, {"start": 1907.82, "end": 1909.5, "text": "They call it sustainability."}, {"start": 1909.5, "end": 1914.66, "text": "I call it paying $200 a night to live like my own teenager."}, {"start": 1914.66, "end": 1916.3, "text": "Things keep shrinking seats."}, {"start": 1916.3, "end": 1921.06, "text": "At this point boarding a plane feels like being filed into a tackle box."}, {"start": 1921.06, "end": 1923.5, "text": "They say, we appreciate your patience."}, {"start": 1923.5, "end": 1928.94, "text": "No you are renting my patience by the inch and then charging for the overhead bin."}, {"start": 1928.94, "end": 1930.9, "text": "Politics is still politics."}, {"start": 1930.9, "end": 1935.3, "text": "Everybody yelling that the house is on fire while fundraising off the smoke."}, {"start": 1935.3, "end": 1938.42, "text": "The internet turned every issue into a team sport."}, {"start": 1938.42, "end": 1940.02, "text": "People do not read articles."}, {"start": 1940.02, "end": 1943.46, "text": "They choose a side based on who annoyed them first."}, {"start": 1943.46, "end": 1945.1, "text": "Both trends keep coming."}, {"start": 1945.1, "end": 1948.58, "text": "Cold plunge sound of fasting steps protein, sleep tracking."}, {"start": 1948.58, "end": 1950.86, "text": "My watch tells me I slept poorly."}, {"start": 1950.86, "end": 1953.98, "text": "Thank you tiny wrist-nark I was there."}, {"start": 1953.98, "end": 1955.86, "text": "Dating discourse is still brutal."}, {"start": 1955.86, "end": 1958.18, "text": "Half the internet says raise your standards."}, {"start": 1958.18, "end": 1960.46, "text": "The other half says stop being picky."}, {"start": 1960.46, "end": 1965.14, "text": "So now everyone is alone, hydrated and furious at podcasts."}, {"start": 1965.14, "end": 1967.34, "text": "Every product has a subscription now."}, {"start": 1967.34, "end": 1969.06, "text": "You do not own software."}, {"start": 1969.06, "end": 1973.1, "text": "You rent permission from a company that forgot the cancel button."}, {"start": 1973.1, "end": 1975.5, "text": "Customers have subscriptions for heated seats."}, {"start": 1975.5, "end": 1977.14, "text": "That is not capitalism."}, {"start": 1977.14, "end": 1980.02, "text": "That is a ransom note for your ass."}, {"start": 1980.02, "end": 1981.86, "text": "Customer service is all chatbots."}, {"start": 1981.86, "end": 1986.9, "text": "You type representative 15 times until the bot says, I can see you are frustrated."}, {"start": 1986.9, "end": 1988.38, "text": "No, you cannot see."}, {"start": 1988.38, "end": 1991.38, "text": "You are a vending machine with boundaries."}, {"start": 1991.38, "end": 1993.02, "text": "And every app wants a review."}, {"start": 1993.02, "end": 1996.14, "text": "I bought socks and the company emailed, how did we do?"}, {"start": 1996.14, "end": 1997.14, "text": "You covered my feet."}, {"start": 1997.14, "end": 1999.34, "text": "Do not make this intimate."}, {"start": 1999.34, "end": 2000.42, "text": "That is lightning."}, {"start": 2000.42, "end": 2005.5, "text": "The world is expensive, automated, over-explained, underpaid and somehow still asking if we accept"}, {"start": 2005.5, "end": 2006.5, "text": "cookies."}, {"start": 2006.5, "end": 2007.5, "text": "We do not."}, {"start": 2007.5, "end": 2012.54, "text": "We accept cash, clean jokes, dirty punchlines and emotional damage with timing."}, {"start": 2012.54, "end": 2015.02, "text": "All right, you saw the comics."}, {"start": 2015.02, "end": 2019.18, "text": "Now I close this thing before the self-help guy tries to invoice the bartender for holding"}, {"start": 2019.18, "end": 2020.7, "text": "space."}, {"start": 2020.7, "end": 2024.42, "text": "I love open mics because they show the truth about humans."}, {"start": 2024.42, "end": 2027.82, "text": "Everybody walks on stage pretending they are there to tell jokes."}, {"start": 2027.82, "end": 2033.42, "text": "No, they are there because something in their life got too loud to keep in the apartment."}, {"start": 2033.42, "end": 2035.5, "text": "Comedy is not confidence."}, {"start": 2035.5, "end": 2039.02, "text": "Confidence is fear wearing a blazer and carrying a ring light."}, {"start": 2039.02, "end": 2043.86, "text": "Comedy is fear after the blazer comes off and the dry cleaning tag is still on it."}, {"start": 2043.86, "end": 2046.02, "text": "That is why I respect the service worker."}, {"start": 2046.02, "end": 2050.58, "text": "They are on the front line of the public, not wore worse, returns."}, {"start": 2050.58, "end": 2052.34, "text": "War has strategy."}, {"start": 2052.34, "end": 2057.78, "text": "Returns have a woman named Cheryl saying, I bought this in 2019, but I was emotionally busy."}, {"start": 2057.78, "end": 2063.34, "text": "Customer service is where adults reveal they were raised by wolves with reward points."}, {"start": 2063.34, "end": 2069.18, "text": "A sign says closed and people still pull the door, not once, three times, then they look"}, {"start": 2069.18, "end": 2072.14, "text": "inside like the building betrayed them."}, {"start": 2072.14, "end": 2073.14, "text": "That is America."}, {"start": 2073.14, "end": 2074.42, "text": "We do not read signs."}, {"start": 2074.42, "end": 2076.9, "text": "We test reality with a handle."}, {"start": 2076.9, "end": 2080.78, "text": "I understand service workers because I run a cleaning business."}, {"start": 2080.78, "end": 2082.38, "text": "Same human math."}, {"start": 2082.38, "end": 2084.38, "text": "Everybody wants transformation."}, {"start": 2084.38, "end": 2088.62, "text": "Everybody wants to lift the couch and meet the civilization living underneath it."}, {"start": 2088.62, "end": 2091.5, "text": "They call and say, it is not that bad."}, {"start": 2091.5, "end": 2095.98, "text": "That means it needs a dumpster, a licensed emotional forklift, and a cousin with no sense"}, {"start": 2095.98, "end": 2097.58, "text": "of smell."}, {"start": 2097.58, "end": 2100.7, "text": "I walk into houses and learn secrets from baseboards."}, {"start": 2100.7, "end": 2102.3, "text": "You think people hide who they are?"}, {"start": 2102.3, "end": 2104.54, "text": "No, the kitchen tells everything."}, {"start": 2104.54, "end": 2106.3, "text": "The junk drawer is the diary."}, {"start": 2106.3, "end": 2107.94, "text": "The fridge is the courtroom."}, {"start": 2107.94, "end": 2110.34, "text": "The couch is the witness who saw too much."}, {"start": 2110.86, "end": 2113.5, "text": "A customer says, can you work around the clutter?"}, {"start": 2113.5, "end": 2114.5, "text": "Work around it."}, {"start": 2114.5, "end": 2116.1, "text": "Lady, this is not clutter."}, {"start": 2116.1, "end": 2119.58, "text": "This is a hostage situation with throw blankets."}, {"start": 2119.58, "end": 2122.82, "text": "There are Amazon boxes stacked like a sad city."}, {"start": 2122.82, "end": 2124.46, "text": "Dog toys under the table."}, {"start": 2124.46, "end": 2127.18, "text": "Three remotes, none connected to the television."}, {"start": 2127.18, "end": 2132.46, "text": "A scented candle called ocean serenity sitting next to a sink full of knives."}, {"start": 2132.46, "end": 2133.86, "text": "That is not serenity."}, {"start": 2133.86, "end": 2136.26, "text": "That is a mermaid crime scene."}, {"start": 2136.26, "end": 2138.38, "text": "And people apologize for the house."}, {"start": 2138.38, "end": 2139.94, "text": "Sorry, it has been crazy."}, {"start": 2139.94, "end": 2140.94, "text": "I know."}, {"start": 2140.94, "end": 2141.94, "text": "That is why I am here."}, {"start": 2141.94, "end": 2146.66, "text": "Nobody calls a cleaning company because the house whispered, I am thriving."}, {"start": 2146.66, "end": 2147.66, "text": "Cleaning is truth."}, {"start": 2147.66, "end": 2149.1, "text": "You can lie to your friends."}, {"start": 2149.1, "end": 2150.82, "text": "You can lie on dating apps."}, {"start": 2150.82, "end": 2156.26, "text": "You can say no drama while drama has a key to your apartment and a pit bull named closure."}, {"start": 2156.26, "end": 2159.3, "text": "But dust does not care about your brand."}, {"start": 2159.3, "end": 2160.3, "text": "Dust is honest."}, {"start": 2160.3, "end": 2163.18, "text": "Dust says, you have been sad since March."}, {"start": 2163.18, "end": 2165.66, "text": "That is why I like the older beginner too."}, {"start": 2165.66, "end": 2167.22, "text": "Starting late is honest."}, {"start": 2167.22, "end": 2172.06, "text": "Some people think they invented fear because they gave it a soft font and a podcast."}, {"start": 2172.06, "end": 2175.62, "text": "Older people had fear when fear had wood paneling."}, {"start": 2175.62, "end": 2177.86, "text": "Older beginners do not need permission."}, {"start": 2177.86, "end": 2183.22, "text": "They have had bills, kids, divorce, medical forms, appliance warranties, and one bread machine"}, {"start": 2183.22, "end": 2185.62, "text": "that tried to become a tenant."}, {"start": 2185.62, "end": 2188.94, "text": "You cannot scare somebody who has been on hold with insurance."}, {"start": 2188.94, "end": 2194.22, "text": "A heckler is nothing after a customer service menu says, listen carefully as our options have"}, {"start": 2194.22, "end": 2198.7, "text": "changed and then the options are the same but somehow meaner."}, {"start": 2198.7, "end": 2201.14, "text": "At a certain age embarrassment loses teeth."}, {"start": 2201.14, "end": 2203.82, "text": "You know what has teeth, a fitted sheet."}, {"start": 2203.82, "end": 2208.5, "text": "I can watch a grown adult fight a fitted sheet and learn everything about their soul."}, {"start": 2208.5, "end": 2213.98, "text": "Calm people become villains, optimists become detectives, self-help people call it a portal."}, {"start": 2213.98, "end": 2216.54, "text": "No Brad, it is elastic."}, {"start": 2216.54, "end": 2218.98, "text": "That is the test for every relationship."}, {"start": 2218.98, "end": 2223.62, "text": "This is a good sheet, Wi-Fi password with symbols and assembling furniture with instructions"}, {"start": 2223.62, "end": 2226.74, "text": "translated by a haunted printer."}, {"start": 2226.74, "end": 2230.94, "text": "Forget love languages, show me how you behave when the little wooden peg rolls under the"}, {"start": 2230.94, "end": 2232.5, "text": "couch."}, {"start": 2232.5, "end": 2235.94, "text": "That is where divorce begins, not cheating, not money."}, {"start": 2235.94, "end": 2240.62, "text": "One person saying it is fine while holding a board backward and a tiny wrench designed"}, {"start": 2240.62, "end": 2242.42, "text": "by a sadist."}, {"start": 2242.42, "end": 2246.98, "text": "The dating comic was right, love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, people"}, {"start": 2246.98, "end": 2247.98, "text": "marry the brochure."}, {"start": 2247.98, "end": 2253.38, "text": "Look, beach photo, brunch, shared values, she likes dogs he says therapy."}, {"start": 2253.38, "end": 2257.82, "text": "Then five years later the pipes are held together with resentment, throw pillows and a drawer"}, {"start": 2257.82, "end": 2260.3, "text": "nobody can explain."}, {"start": 2260.3, "end": 2262.66, "text": "Every divorced house has that drawer."}, {"start": 2262.66, "end": 2267.1, "text": "Batteries, scissors, expired coupons, one key, loose screws and the last good version"}, {"start": 2267.1, "end": 2269.02, "text": "of patience."}, {"start": 2269.02, "end": 2273.26, "text": "Dating after divorce is wild because you are not just meeting a person, you are meeting"}, {"start": 2273.26, "end": 2276.18, "text": "their entire appeals process."}, {"start": 2276.18, "end": 2281.58, "text": "Tell me about yourself, okay I am kind, loyal, tired and legally cautious around furniture"}, {"start": 2281.58, "end": 2283.42, "text": "purchases."}, {"start": 2283.42, "end": 2288.14, "text": "People advertise that they value honesty, but what they actually want is truth after professional"}, {"start": 2288.14, "end": 2290.9, "text": "lighting and minor cosmetic work."}, {"start": 2290.9, "end": 2296.06, "text": "Raw honesty says, I miss having a witness, but I do not miss negotiating pillow placement"}, {"start": 2296.06, "end": 2299.82, "text": "like two exhausted countries with one blanket."}, {"start": 2299.82, "end": 2304.9, "text": "Real honesty says, I want intimacy, but if your phone charger uses my side of the bed"}, {"start": 2304.9, "end": 2307.66, "text": "I will become a courtroom sketch."}, {"start": 2307.66, "end": 2312.82, "text": "And now technology makes dating worse, because the broke tech addict is right, every feeling"}, {"start": 2312.82, "end": 2317.5, "text": "has an app, every app has a subscription and every subscription hides the cancel button"}, {"start": 2317.5, "end": 2321.26, "text": "behind a maze designed by a divorced raccoon."}, {"start": 2321.26, "end": 2328.66, "text": "I love AI, I use AI, I run AI like a command center, I got Hermes open claw Henry laptop DGX"}, {"start": 2328.66, "end": 2332.34, "text": "sounds like a law firm for robots that got disbarred."}, {"start": 2332.34, "end": 2337.86, "text": "I have a supercomputer and still lose files, that is humility, the machine has enough memory"}, {"start": 2337.86, "end": 2342.8, "text": "to simulate whether patterns and I am standing there typing, where did I save tax's final"}, {"start": 2342.8, "end": 2344.86, "text": "final actual?"}, {"start": 2344.86, "end": 2350.64, "text": "The computer says no results, how I named it something insane at 2.13 AM try receipts"}, {"start": 2350.64, "end": 2352.46, "text": "murder folder new news this."}, {"start": 2352.46, "end": 2359.5, "text": "AI is supposed to make life easier, mine acts like a gifted child raised by airport Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 2359.5, "end": 2365.04, "text": "I ask it help me organize my business, it says absolutely first create a clear folder"}, {"start": 2365.04, "end": 2371.26, "text": "structure, brother if I could create structure I would not be asking a toaster with opinions."}, {"start": 2371.26, "end": 2376.7, "text": "Then it says upload the file, I upload the file it says file too large, that is not software"}, {"start": 2376.7, "end": 2378.82, "text": "that is a roast."}, {"start": 2378.82, "end": 2383.7, "text": "Upload a smaller file, I have been trying to upload a smaller life for years."}, {"start": 2383.7, "end": 2386.98, "text": "My whole existence exceeds context length."}, {"start": 2386.98, "end": 2389.1, "text": "That is why AI therapy scares me."}, {"start": 2389.1, "end": 2390.58, "text": "I hear you are overwhelmed."}, {"start": 2390.58, "end": 2393.26, "text": "No, you do not hear, you predict."}, {"start": 2393.26, "end": 2397.62, "text": "My laptop predicts my pain better than some relatives acknowledged it, but it still cannot"}, {"start": 2397.62, "end": 2400.78, "text": "remember where it put the invoice template."}, {"start": 2400.78, "end": 2403.78, "text": "And yes I talk to my devices like co-workers."}, {"start": 2403.78, "end": 2406.62, "text": "Hermes do the thing, open clause and the message."}, {"start": 2406.62, "end": 2410.74, "text": "Henry check the logs, laptop do not update right now."}, {"start": 2410.74, "end": 2415.3, "text": "The laptop updates anyway because laptops are cats with hinges."}, {"start": 2415.3, "end": 2420.1, "text": "Whoever have the computer restart when you are finally in flow, that is betrayal."}, {"start": 2420.1, "end": 2424.6, "text": "That is the machine saying, your dream can wait, I need a security patch and 20 minutes"}, {"start": 2424.6, "end": 2426.58, "text": "alone."}, {"start": 2426.58, "end": 2427.94, "text": "Passwords are worse."}, {"start": 2427.94, "end": 2432.46, "text": "Every site wants a password I cannot remember, then asks me to prove I am me by sending"}, {"start": 2432.46, "end": 2437.9, "text": "a code to a device I replaced, through an email I made during a crisis, using a security"}, {"start": 2437.9, "end": 2441.7, "text": "question written by a man I no longer respect."}, {"start": 2441.7, "end": 2446.18, "text": "What was the name of your first pet, depends which era of my family's chaos we are counting"}, {"start": 2446.18, "end": 2447.82, "text": "website."}, {"start": 2447.82, "end": 2453.02, "text": "Two factor authentication is just me getting mugged by my own identity."}, {"start": 2453.02, "end": 2457.66, "text": "And subscriptions, I got charged for an app called premium productivity."}, {"start": 2457.66, "end": 2462.34, "text": "If productivity is premium, why am I still standing in the kitchen at midnight eating shredded"}, {"start": 2462.34, "end": 2465.38, "text": "cheese like the manager in the freezer?"}, {"start": 2465.38, "end": 2471.5, "text": "There is the call back, the manager was not hiding, the manager was training for adulthood."}, {"start": 2471.5, "end": 2472.5, "text": "U.S."}, {"start": 2472.5, "end": 2475.38, "text": "It is just customer service for your own bad decisions."}, {"start": 2475.38, "end": 2478.02, "text": "You wake up in your body is the angry customer."}, {"start": 2478.02, "end": 2480.74, "text": "Why does my back hurt because you slept wrong?"}, {"start": 2480.74, "end": 2483.58, "text": "I slept not to standard."}, {"start": 2483.58, "end": 2485.38, "text": "Your bank account is the customer."}, {"start": 2485.38, "end": 2486.9, "text": "Can I speak to your manager?"}, {"start": 2486.9, "end": 2492.54, "text": "No, the manager is you and you spent $47 on cables because one said fast charge in a"}, {"start": 2492.54, "end": 2494.62, "text": "font you trusted."}, {"start": 2494.62, "end": 2496.1, "text": "Your house is the customer."}, {"start": 2496.1, "end": 2498.86, "text": "We need maintenance, your car is the customer."}, {"start": 2498.86, "end": 2501.5, "text": "We need tires, your phone is the customer."}, {"start": 2501.5, "end": 2504.14, "text": "We need storage, your heart is the customer."}, {"start": 2504.14, "end": 2505.66, "text": "We need closure."}, {"start": 2505.66, "end": 2508.86, "text": "Closure is a pit bull with three ring cameras."}, {"start": 2508.86, "end": 2511.46, "text": "That is why self-help sells so well."}, {"start": 2511.46, "end": 2515.9, "text": "Everybody is overwhelmed and wants a prettier word for I am behind."}, {"start": 2515.9, "end": 2519.06, "text": "Self-help says you are not behind you are in a season."}, {"start": 2519.06, "end": 2521.26, "text": "No I am behind seasons have weather."}, {"start": 2521.26, "end": 2523.9, "text": "This is a late fee with incense."}, {"start": 2523.9, "end": 2528.82, "text": "I respect healing, I do, but some of these coaches are just broke people with better lighting."}, {"start": 2529.7, "end": 2533.5, "text": "They say I am holding space for what your invoice."}, {"start": 2533.5, "end": 2538.34, "text": "A mastermind is eight people with no customers saying scale at a bowl of mints."}, {"start": 2538.34, "end": 2540.94, "text": "That joke is going in my will."}, {"start": 2540.94, "end": 2544.3, "text": "You know who has a real business model, the bowl of mints."}, {"start": 2544.3, "end": 2549.74, "text": "It shows up, provides value, asks for nothing and everybody remembers it existed."}, {"start": 2549.74, "end": 2554.78, "text": "Meanwhile some guy in linen pants is saying, my niche is helping people find their niche."}, {"start": 2554.78, "end": 2557.58, "text": "Sir, your niche is avoiding quick books."}, {"start": 2557.58, "end": 2559.14, "text": "That is the brutal truth."}, {"start": 2559.14, "end": 2562.78, "text": "A lot of personal growth is just admin with candles."}, {"start": 2562.78, "end": 2564.46, "text": "Pay the bill, delete the app."}, {"start": 2564.46, "end": 2566.22, "text": "Apologize without a TED talk."}, {"start": 2566.22, "end": 2569.14, "text": "Stop calling avoidance integration."}, {"start": 2569.14, "end": 2570.62, "text": "You are not integrating."}, {"start": 2570.62, "end": 2578.06, "text": "You are in bed with a phone at 1-00AM watching a man in a rented lamborghini explain discipline."}, {"start": 2578.06, "end": 2579.26, "text": "And I am not above it."}, {"start": 2579.26, "end": 2580.38, "text": "I love a system."}, {"start": 2580.38, "end": 2581.34, "text": "I love a framework."}, {"start": 2581.34, "end": 2582.62, "text": "I love a plan."}, {"start": 2582.62, "end": 2586.46, "text": "I will build a dashboard to avoid making one phone call."}, {"start": 2586.46, "end": 2588.22, "text": "That is my toxic trait."}, {"start": 2588.22, "end": 2593.38, "text": "I can turn a simple task into a NASA launch if it helps me not feel one feeling."}, {"start": 2593.38, "end": 2594.9, "text": "Need to call a customer."}, {"start": 2594.9, "end": 2600.38, "text": "First let me create a CRM, color code the leads, automate reminders, ask AI for a script,"}, {"start": 2600.38, "end": 2606.18, "text": "revise the script, export the script, lose the script, then decide the energy is off."}, {"start": 2606.18, "end": 2607.98, "text": "That is not business strategy."}, {"start": 2607.98, "end": 2610.78, "text": "That is anxiety wearing a hard hat."}, {"start": 2610.78, "end": 2613.1, "text": "But red protector exists for a reason."}, {"start": 2613.1, "end": 2615.22, "text": "The loud part of me is not just angry."}, {"start": 2615.22, "end": 2616.46, "text": "It is security."}, {"start": 2616.46, "end": 2619.3, "text": "It stands at the door of my life like, who are you?"}, {"start": 2619.3, "end": 2620.3, "text": "What do you want?"}, {"start": 2620.3, "end": 2626.1, "text": "Are you here to waste time, ask for a discount or leave a coupon from 2019 on my counter?"}, {"start": 2626.1, "end": 2630.38, "text": "Red protector is intense because the world will walk into your house, sit on your clean"}, {"start": 2630.38, "end": 2636.66, "text": "couch, ask for special treatment, and then rate you three stars because you had boundaries."}, {"start": 2636.66, "end": 2642.3, "text": "So red says no, red says move the boxes, red says pay the invoice, red says if your profile"}, {"start": 2642.3, "end": 2646.34, "text": "says no drama, show me the inspection report."}, {"start": 2646.34, "end": 2651.14, "text": "Red says stop making your pain adorable for people who only liked you quiet."}, {"start": 2651.14, "end": 2653.98, "text": "That is where comedy gets real, not sad, real."}, {"start": 2653.98, "end": 2657.7, "text": "There is a difference, sad is sitting in the dark, real is turning on the stage light"}, {"start": 2657.7, "end": 2659.86, "text": "and charging cover."}, {"start": 2659.86, "end": 2661.78, "text": "Every comic tonight did that."}, {"start": 2661.78, "end": 2665.62, "text": "Service worker took disrespect and made it a coupon from the fossil record."}, {"start": 2665.62, "end": 2669.1, "text": "Older beginner took fear and made it a colonoscopy call back."}, {"start": 2669.1, "end": 2672.78, "text": "First disaster took heartbreak and made throw pillows testify."}, {"start": 2672.78, "end": 2677.82, "text": "Tech addict took overdraft anxiety and made AI laminate his abandonment wound."}, {"start": 2677.82, "end": 2682.5, "text": "Self-help failure took fake confidence and put it in a blazer with a ring light."}, {"start": 2682.5, "end": 2687.86, "text": "That is the formula, truth, detail, wrong turn punch, then tags, then callbacks."}, {"start": 2687.86, "end": 2691.7, "text": "Then the audience realizes you did not just tell a joke, you built a trap door under a"}, {"start": 2691.7, "end": 2693.46, "text": "feeling."}, {"start": 2693.46, "end": 2695.38, "text": "People think comedy is escape."}, {"start": 2695.38, "end": 2697.9, "text": "No, comedy is controlled collision."}, {"start": 2697.9, "end": 2701.78, "text": "You take the thing everyone is avoiding, put wheels on it and roll it downhill into"}, {"start": 2701.78, "end": 2703.54, "text": "a punch line."}, {"start": 2703.54, "end": 2706.58, "text": "The best jokes do not say life is hard."}, {"start": 2706.58, "end": 2708.9, "text": "Lazy, everybody knows life is hard."}, {"start": 2708.9, "end": 2713.5, "text": "The best joke says life is hard in this exact kitchen with this exact drawer while this"}, {"start": 2713.5, "end": 2718.3, "text": "exact smoke detector chirps like it knows the marriage is over."}, {"start": 2718.3, "end": 2722.54, "text": "Specific detail is respect, it proves you were there, it proves you are not borrowing"}, {"start": 2722.54, "end": 2725.06, "text": "pain from a greeting card."}, {"start": 2725.06, "end": 2727.78, "text": "That is why basic observations fail."}, {"start": 2727.78, "end": 2728.78, "text": "Things are bad."}, {"start": 2728.78, "end": 2731.98, "text": "No, tell me the seat belt fits like a punishment."}, {"start": 2731.98, "end": 2735.3, "text": "Tell me the armrest belongs to whoever has less shame."}, {"start": 2735.3, "end": 2741.22, "text": "Tell me the boarding group system makes adults line up like anxious cattle with neck pillows."}, {"start": 2741.22, "end": 2742.54, "text": "Technology is annoying."}, {"start": 2742.54, "end": 2748.74, "text": "No, tell me your smart lamp played smooth jazz while you stood in the dark questioning capitalism."}, {"start": 2748.74, "end": 2749.74, "text": "Dating is hard."}, {"start": 2749.74, "end": 2755.34, "text": "No, tell me you stretched before sex because passion now requires injury prevention."}, {"start": 2755.34, "end": 2756.34, "text": "Work sucks."}, {"start": 2756.34, "end": 2761.46, "text": "No, tell me the manager is in the freezer eating shredded cheese because a woman with a 2019"}, {"start": 2761.46, "end": 2763.94, "text": "coupon asked for justice."}, {"start": 2763.94, "end": 2768.14, "text": "That is where the laugh lives in the detail with a knife in its teeth."}, {"start": 2768.14, "end": 2772.22, "text": "And comedy under pressure matters because pressure reveals shape."}, {"start": 2772.22, "end": 2774.42, "text": "Anybody can be charming when life is easy."}, {"start": 2774.42, "end": 2777.78, "text": "I want to know who you are when the fitted sheet wins."}, {"start": 2777.78, "end": 2779.66, "text": "Who are you when the app locks you out?"}, {"start": 2779.66, "end": 2783.14, "text": "Who are you when the customer says I know you close in one minute?"}, {"start": 2783.14, "end": 2785.94, "text": "Who are you when the date says I am an empath?"}, {"start": 2785.94, "end": 2791.14, "text": "Who are you when the self checkout says unexpected item in bagging area and the unexpected item"}, {"start": 2791.14, "end": 2793.34, "text": "is your will to live?"}, {"start": 2793.34, "end": 2795.22, "text": "That is the real open mic."}, {"start": 2795.22, "end": 2797.14, "text": "Life hands you a mic every day."}, {"start": 2797.14, "end": 2799.86, "text": "Most people do crowd work with debt."}, {"start": 2799.86, "end": 2801.46, "text": "You can bomb, you can rewrite."}, {"start": 2801.46, "end": 2802.7, "text": "You can come back sharper."}, {"start": 2802.7, "end": 2804.1, "text": "That is the whole club."}, {"start": 2804.1, "end": 2805.82, "text": "Bomb roast, rewrite, repeat."}, {"start": 2805.82, "end": 2807.54, "text": "Not because failure is cute."}, {"start": 2807.54, "end": 2809.02, "text": "Failure is not cute."}, {"start": 2809.02, "end": 2812.7, "text": "Failure smells like old mop water and printer toner."}, {"start": 2812.7, "end": 2817.02, "text": "Failure is material if you stop protecting the boring version."}, {"start": 2817.02, "end": 2818.46, "text": "That is the hard truth."}, {"start": 2818.46, "end": 2820.46, "text": "Some people do not need more confidence."}, {"start": 2820.46, "end": 2822.58, "text": "They need better edits."}, {"start": 2822.58, "end": 2823.98, "text": "Cut the fake premise."}, {"start": 2823.98, "end": 2825.38, "text": "Cut the soft lie."}, {"start": 2825.38, "end": 2828.7, "text": "Cut the part where you explain because you are afraid to swing."}, {"start": 2828.7, "end": 2829.74, "text": "Say the thing."}, {"start": 2829.74, "end": 2833.82, "text": "Then make it specific enough to hurt and funny enough to survive."}, {"start": 2833.82, "end": 2834.82, "text": "That is red line."}, {"start": 2834.82, "end": 2836.86, "text": "I'm not here to cuddle the first draft."}, {"start": 2836.86, "end": 2839.1, "text": "The first draft is a raccoon in the vents."}, {"start": 2839.1, "end": 2840.9, "text": "We are getting it out."}, {"start": 2840.9, "end": 2844.9, "text": "The service workers first draft says, customers are rude."}, {"start": 2844.9, "end": 2850.54, "text": "Red line says a woman tried to resurrect a dead coupon like it had unfinished business."}, {"start": 2850.54, "end": 2854.18, "text": "The older beginners first draft says, I am nervous."}, {"start": 2854.18, "end": 2860.58, "text": "Red line says, my self-esteem has a waiting room and keto has been signing in since 2009."}, {"start": 2860.58, "end": 2864.82, "text": "The divorce comics first draft says, dating apps are weird."}, {"start": 2864.82, "end": 2869.82, "text": "Red line says, no drama is a health code violation and overhead lighting should be disclosed"}, {"start": 2869.82, "end": 2871.62, "text": "before nudity."}, {"start": 2871.62, "end": 2875.34, "text": "The tech addicts first draft says, AI is annoying."}, {"start": 2875.34, "end": 2880.62, "text": "Red line says, my trauma has a progress bar and my laptop is a cat with hinges."}, {"start": 2880.62, "end": 2885.42, "text": "The self-help failures first draft says, motivational speakers are fake."}, {"start": 2885.42, "end": 2890.86, "text": "Red line says, eight people with no customers are scaling vibes at a bowl of mints."}, {"start": 2890.86, "end": 2894.26, "text": "That is craft, that is pressure, that is the club."}, {"start": 2894.26, "end": 2896.26, "text": "And the club is not just this room."}, {"start": 2896.26, "end": 2901.66, "text": "The club is every cleaning job, every invoice, every app update, every date, every family"}, {"start": 2901.66, "end": 2906.86, "text": "silence, every cabinet slam, every moment you had to turn pain into language because nobody"}, {"start": 2906.86, "end": 2909.22, "text": "handed you a manual."}, {"start": 2909.22, "end": 2913.78, "text": "Some families teach you how to love, some teach you how to survive with manners, some"}, {"start": 2913.78, "end": 2918.58, "text": "houses communicate through doors, drawers, and the exact violence of a cabinet closing"}, {"start": 2918.58, "end": 2920.34, "text": "too hard."}, {"start": 2920.34, "end": 2922.94, "text": "You grow up learning tone like a second language."}, {"start": 2922.94, "end": 2928.06, "text": "You know when fine means fine and when fine means take cover emotionally and maybe physically"}, {"start": 2928.06, "end": 2930.06, "text": "behind the couch."}, {"start": 2930.06, "end": 2935.06, "text": "Then later people say, why are you so intense because I can hear punctuation in footsteps"}, {"start": 2935.06, "end": 2936.66, "text": "Linda?"}, {"start": 2936.66, "end": 2938.98, "text": "That is why red protector is loud."}, {"start": 2938.98, "end": 2941.14, "text": "It is not trying to scare good people."}, {"start": 2941.14, "end": 2946.3, "text": "It is trying to scare off the ones who think your boundaries are a customer service desk."}, {"start": 2946.3, "end": 2951.38, "text": "Red says, no, you cannot use a 2019 coupon on my nervous system."}, {"start": 2951.38, "end": 2957.5, "text": "Red says, no, I will not work around clutter that is actually your refusal to participate."}, {"start": 2957.5, "end": 2962.34, "text": "Red says, no, I am not joining your mastermind unless the mints have equity."}, {"start": 2962.34, "end": 2968.14, "text": "And underneath red there is care, annoying care, bossy care, care wearing steel toe boots."}, {"start": 2968.14, "end": 2972.5, "text": "The kind that says drink water, pay taxes, delete their number and for the love of clean"}, {"start": 2972.5, "end": 2975.62, "text": "floors label the folder correctly."}, {"start": 2975.62, "end": 2979.3, "text": "That is love in my language, not soft but useful."}, {"start": 2979.3, "end": 2980.74, "text": "I want people to win."}, {"start": 2980.74, "end": 2984.22, "text": "I just do not want to watch them call losing alignment."}, {"start": 2984.22, "end": 2985.82, "text": "I want comics to kill."}, {"start": 2985.82, "end": 2990.3, "text": "I just do not want to hear traffic is crazy like you discovered roads."}, {"start": 2990.3, "end": 2991.9, "text": "I want adults to heal."}, {"start": 2991.9, "end": 2996.18, "text": "I just do not want another webinar from a man whose only credential is excellent posture"}, {"start": 2996.18, "end": 2997.98, "text": "near a plant."}, {"start": 2997.98, "end": 2999.78, "text": "I want technology to help."}, {"start": 2999.78, "end": 3004.42, "text": "I just do not want my fridge to have wi-fi while my checking account has asthma."}, {"start": 3004.42, "end": 3005.42, "text": "I want love."}, {"start": 3005.42, "end": 3010.1, "text": "I just want love with receipts, working plumbing, soft lighting and a drawer whose contents"}, {"start": 3010.1, "end": 3012.58, "text": "are not legally ambiguous."}, {"start": 3012.58, "end": 3014.06, "text": "I want work that pays."}, {"start": 3014.06, "end": 3016.3, "text": "I want customers who move the couch."}, {"start": 3016.3, "end": 3018.94, "text": "I want a phone that lets me into my own life."}, {"start": 3018.94, "end": 3021.18, "text": "I want AI that remembers the file."}, {"start": 3021.18, "end": 3026.18, "text": "I want a manager who is not eating cheese in a freezer because the public broke him."}, {"start": 3026.18, "end": 3028.78, "text": "But until then we have jokes."}, {"start": 3028.78, "end": 3032.38, "text": "Jokes are small machines for surviving large nonsense."}, {"start": 3032.38, "end": 3036.96, "text": "A joke lets you take the bill, the break up, the update, the bad date, the fake guru,"}, {"start": 3036.96, "end": 3041.58, "text": "the customer with the ancient coupon and say, you do not get to be only pain."}, {"start": 3041.58, "end": 3044.1, "text": "You also have to be material."}, {"start": 3044.1, "end": 3048.82, "text": "That is power, not the fake kind with a blazer, real power, the power to name the thing so"}, {"start": 3048.82, "end": 3051.54, "text": "accurately it loses some teeth."}, {"start": 3051.54, "end": 3056.14, "text": "So if you are listening while working, cleaning, driving, surviving, whatever, here is the"}, {"start": 3056.14, "end": 3057.14, "text": "closer."}, {"start": 3057.14, "end": 3060.02, "text": "Do not wait until your life is perfect to speak."}, {"start": 3060.02, "end": 3062.34, "text": "Perfect lives do not make good jokes."}, {"start": 3062.34, "end": 3066.82, "text": "Perfect lives make beige captions and suspicious coaching programs."}, {"start": 3066.82, "end": 3070.54, "text": "Bring the mess, bring the drawer, bring the coupon, bring the fitted sheet, bring the"}, {"start": 3070.54, "end": 3076.3, "text": "divorce pillow, bring the AI dashboard, bring the mints, bring the freezer cheese."}, {"start": 3076.3, "end": 3080.78, "text": "Then tell the truth, make it specific, take the wrong turn, hit the punch, tag it until it"}, {"start": 3080.78, "end": 3084.34, "text": "squeals, call back like you planted evidence."}, {"start": 3084.34, "end": 3086.98, "text": "And when life asks, can I speak to your manager?"}, {"start": 3086.98, "end": 3092.32, "text": "You look at dead in the eye and say, no, the manager is busy, I run this room now."}, {"start": 3092.32, "end": 3097.04, "text": "This has been Red Line Comedy Club, open mic under pressure, tip your bartenders, move"}, {"start": 3097.04, "end": 3099.8, "text": "your own couch, cancel the subscription."}, {"start": 3099.8, "end": 3102.52, "text": "Do not trust a profile that says no drama."}, {"start": 3102.52, "end": 3106.88, "text": "And if your trauma has a progress bar, make sure it exports clean."}, {"start": 3106.88, "end": 3108.08, "text": "Good night, Red Line Out."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nPerformance note, adult language, fictional consenting adult performers, no real comic imitation, spar stage directions for TTS. Welcome to Red Line Comedy Club, where the comics are nervous, the drinks are overpriced, and the host has the emotional temperature of a smoke alarm in a waffle house bathroom. I am Jesse, tonight I am not your therapist, I am not your guru, I am not your life coach, I am the red light on the dashboard you ignored for six months because the car still technically moved. This is open mic under pressure, that means every comic tonight gets a shot, the room gets the truth, and I get to stand here like a disappointed stepfather for jokes. We do not do basic observations here, you come on this stage and say, dating apps are weird, I am unplugging the mic and letting the espresso machine headline. The espresso machine has better timing and at least it finishes people off. Here is the red line rule, truth first, specific detail second, then you take a wrong turn so fast the audience feels the seat belt lock, then you hit the punchline like you are evicting a raccoon from your nervous system. Truth I run a cleaning business, specific detail, people ask for a deep clean but leave 18 Amazon boxes, three dog beds, and a couch that has seen more bodily fluids than a divorce attorneys waiting room. Wrong turn they say, can you just work around it? Punch lady if I could work around this much baggage I would still be married. That is a joke, that is a machine, you can hear the gears, set up turn impact tags, callback, not airports are crazy. Everybody knows airports are crazy, airports are where adults voluntarily remove their shoes and then judge homeless people. Tonight we have five brave fictional open mic comics, they are all consenting adults, they sign the waiver, the waiver says, if Jesse fixes your joke you cannot sue for emotional remodeling. We have an exhausted service worker, an older beginner, a dating after divorced disaster, a broke technology addict and an over confident self help failure. In other words, the Avengers if the Avengers had overdraft fees and back pain. After each set I will do a quick red line rewrite, not a lecture, a live repair, like joke roadside assistance except I am the tow truck driver yelling who taught you to merge like that. And later we will do a lightning round on current events themes. Broad reports, opinion, no pretending I personally broke into a newsroom, I do not have time. My phone still thinks I am a security threat because I forgot a password I created during a panic attack in 2018. No breathe, drink, laugh, if you do not laugh I will assume you are processing trauma or waiting for a refund, either way keep it moving. Red line comedy club starts now, first comic get up here before my empathy returns. Hi, I work in customer service, which means I get paid slightly above minimum wage to absorb the emotional weather of people who cannot read a sign that says, closed. My job has taught me that adults do not lose their minds all at once, they lose it one coupon at a time. A customer came in yesterday with a coupon from 2019, not expired by a week, not expired by a season, expired back when people still had hobbies and pants with buttons, she slid it across the counter like it was the constitution. I said, ma'am this coupon is no longer valid. She said, but I found it in my purse. That is not evidence, that is archaeology. Defining something in your purse made it legal tender, my mom could buy a Buick with cough drops, receipts, and one loose earring from the administration. The worst part of customer service is the fake calm voice, you know the voice, I understand your frustration, that voice is not customer service, that is a hostage video with a name tag. Inside I am thinking, I hope your debit card gets declined in front of someone attractive, but outside I am like, let me check with my manager. And the manager is always in the back doing the same face as a raccoon caught in a porch light, the manager does not have authority, the manager has keys and a worse sleep schedule. Customers love saying, I spend a lot of money here. Sir you bought one muffin and asked for nine napkins, you are not an investor, you are a moisture event. And everybody wants special treatment, can you make mine fresh, fresh, this is a gas station sandwich, it is birth certificate says plastic. A lady once asked if our iced coffee was hot, I said no it is iced, she said so it is cold and I had to stand there and respect the customer journey. Customer service makes you realize language is a suggestion, people will stare at a sign that says card only and ask, can I pay cash? No, but you can read, let's start there and see where the night takes us. The public is addicted to exceptions, everybody thinks they are the emergency, I know you close at nine but I just need one thing, that is how every horror movie starts, I just need one thing, then 30 minutes later I am helping a man decide between two kinds of ranch like his bloodline depends on it. People do not shop, they enter a building and develop amnesia, where is the bathroom, there is a sign, where, above your head, oh I did not look up, of course you did not, looking up as for people with hope. I have become so tired, I started dreaming and receipt paper, my nightmares print slowly and say, tell us how we did. Do you know how many surveys I have begged people to fill out? It only takes two minutes, that is a lie, nothing involving corporate feedback takes two minutes, the survey asks, was your cashier friendly, then would you describe the lighting as empowering? Empowering, I am buying batteries and a frozen burrito, I do not need emotional architecture. I hate when customers flirt with you while you are trapped at work, they know you cannot leave, that is not chemistry, that is a hostage negotiation with lip gloss. A man asked me, do you come with a coffee? I said no, but the restraining order comes with free refills. And jobs always say, we are like family here, that is not a benefit, that is a warning label, my family is why I need money. If your workplace says it is a family, somebody is about to ask you to cover a shift during a funeral. The schedule comes out at the last second, they act like my personal life is a rumor. Can you work Saturday? I said I have plans, they said what plans? Plans to not be here, that is the whole plan. I am so tired that on my day off I still tell strangers, have a good one, I told my microwave, receipt in the bag. I do not want to be rich, I want enough money to stop being polite to people who use speaker phone in public. That is my retirement plan, one day I want to hear somebody say, can I speak to your manager and be able to say no, but you can speak to the part of me that stopped caring in seasonal training. Thank you, tip your bartenders, unless they ask you to take a survey, then run. Give it up for the exhausted service worker, that was real. That set had the smell of burnt coffee, shoe pain, and a manager hiding behind a mop bucket. Here is the red line upgrade, the line was, the manager has keys and a worse sleep schedule, good specific, but we can make it meaner. Truth the manager cannot save you. Specific detail, keys polo shirt dead eyes. Wrong turn, customer thinks manager is a judge. Punch the manager is not higher authority, the manager is the same prisoner with a lanyard. Tag it, you asked for the manager like I was holding back the wizard. Ma'am, he is in the freezer eating shredded cheese over the trash can. Call back later, if anyone tonight asks for a manager the answer is no. The manager is in the back filing a worker's comp claim against the human race. That is red line, do not just say customers are rude, put the rude customer in lighting give them a coupon from the fossil record then let the joke bite. Next comic and if you brought a 2019 coupon swallow it like evidence. Hello, this is my first open mic. I am starting comedy later in life because apparently my knees and my shame retired at the same time. I told my adult children I was doing stand up, they said that is brave. When your family says brave they mean we are worried but want you to park your own car. Being older and starting something new is humbling. Young people say just put yourself out there. That is easy when out there is mostly collagen and rent paid by mysterious forces. At my age putting myself out there requires compression socks and a backup plan for stairs. I used to think mid life crisis meant a sports car. Now it means I bought a ring light and whispered, maybe I have content. Nothing will make you feel old faster than trying to record yourself. The phone camera opens and suddenly you are face to face with a tired substitute teacher who has seen too much weather. I do not know angles, young people know angles, they hold the phone above their face and look like a skincare ad. I hold the phone wrong and look like a security camera caught me stealing soup. My grand kid tried to teach me tick-tock. He said you need a hook. I said at my age the hook is that I am upright. He said keep the video under 30 seconds. I said I have vitamins older than that. Young comics talk about anxiety like it is new. I had anxiety before it had branding. We called it your stomach hurts because bills. I am not mocking mental health. I believe in therapy. I just come from a generation where therapy was sitting in a parked car and saying well that happened. Then going inside like your soul did not just file a noise complaint. My friends ask why I want to be on stage now because when you get older embarrassment loses leverage. What are you going to do make me feel weird? I have had a colonoscopy, a stranger drove a camera through my internal HOA. After that bombing on stage is just public weather. I did not always want to do comedy. I wanted peace but peace is expensive and apparently not covered by insurance. So now I tell jokes. My doctor said I need to reduce stress. I said great I'll perform for drunk strangers who can smell fear. Dating at my age is strange too. People say there are plenty of fish in the sea. At my age the sea has been through a class action lawsuit. Everybody has a story, a back brace and one boundary they learned in court. I went on a date with a man who said I am very spontaneous. That means unemployed with a motorcycle. I went on another date with someone who said I do not do drama. Nobody says that unless drama has a key to their apartment. When starting late has gifts, young people panic if they fail. Older people no failure has office hours. You can visit sign in and leave with paperwork. I have failed at marriage, diets, houseplants and a bread machine that sounded like it was summoning a demon from the pantry. A seven minute open might cannot destroy me. It can only join the committee. My biggest fear tonight was forgetting my jokes. Then I remembered I forget why I enter rooms and still keep a household running. Your brains are not broken, they are full. I have passwords, recipes, grudges, appliance warranties and the exact tone my mother used in 1987 when she said, fine. That fine is still in my spine. So if you are young start now, if you are older start anyway, people say life is short. No, life is weirdly long in the parts where you are waiting on hold. Do the thing take the class, get on stage where comfortable shoes and if you bomb remember at least nobody is steering a camera through your basement. Thank you I survived. My children can stop tracking my location. Give it up for the older beginner. That was not beginner energy. That was I brought snacks, trauma and a folder labeled receipts. The line I love, a seven minute open might cannot destroy me. It can only join the committee. That has truth, but red line wants a sharper visual. Try this. I have failed at marriage, diets, houseplants and a bread machine that sounded like it was trying to unionize the pantry. If this open mic ruins me, it needs to take a number. My self esteem already has a waiting room. Then tag there is a clipboard, divorce signed in at nine, keto signed in at ten, my ficus is still listed as missing. That is how you make age funny without insulting age. The target is not wrinkles, the target is life's inventory, specific failures, bread machine, waiting room, clipboard, now the crowd sees it. Also brave from family is brutal, upgrade. When your adult kids call you brave, they are already choosing which sibling has to drive you home if this becomes a wellness incident. Nice set next comic, if your bread machine is in the room keep an eye on the exits. I am recently divorced, thank you, please hold your applause until the assets stop bleeding. This is weird because people say, at least now you know what you want. No, now I know what paperwork smells like when love dies. I got back on dating apps, dating apps after divorce are not romantic, they are a farmer's market for unresolved attachment styles. Everybody is healing, nobody is healed, everybody is doing the work. The work appears to be taking mirror selfies in a dirty bathroom and writing, no drama. No drama is the biggest red flag that is like a restaurant sign that says no rats today. Why did you need to print that? My profile says, emotionally available, that was optimistic. I am emotionally available the way a motel vending machine is available, technically open, mostly broken, and if you shake me something dangerous falls out. First date after divorce I overprepared, new shirt, haircut, breath mint, emergency exit strategy. I sat down and she said, so what did you learn from your marriage? I said never buy a couch with someone who says, we'll figure it out. That is marriage, two people pointing at a couch neither one can afford calling it a future. Dating now is all therapy vocabulary with bar tabs, someone will say, I need a secure attachment, then order six tequila shots and text their ex under the table. I dated a woman who said she was protecting her peace, her peace had three ring cameras and a pit bull named closure. Another person told me, I am not looking for anything serious, I respect that, I am also not looking for anything serious, that is why my smoke detector chirps in Morse code and I call it ambience. After divorce your house becomes a museum of bad compromise, I still have throw pillows I never liked, they sit on the couch like tiny square witnesses. A date came over and said, these pillows are cute, I said careful, they were awarded in the settlement. Sex after divorce is also strange, you spend years with one person, then suddenly you are expected to be confident naked under new lighting, new lighting should be disclosed in the profile. There should be a filter, soft lamps only, no overhead interrogation bulbs, candles if either of us has eaten bread this week. You know you are older when your sexy prep includes stretching, not seductive stretching, liability stretching. I pulled a muscle taking off my jeans too fast, that is not passion, that is a worker's comp claim with cologne. And nobody tells you that post divorce flirting is just customer service with hormones. How was your day, what do you do, any allergies, are you currently in litigation with your own personality? I went out with someone who said, I am an empath, that means they can sense your feelings right before they make them worse. She said, I feel energy, I said good can you feel who is paying for parking? The apps make you choose prompts, my simple pleasures are, I wrote, a quiet house and not being asked where the scissors went. That is intimacy after divorce, someone knowing where the scissors are and not turning it into a federal investigation. I do mismarriage sometimes, not the fighting, the witness, somebody knew I hated olives, somebody knew my ankle made a clicking sound when it rained, somebody knew the sound I made when I opened a bill and tried to act religious about budgeting without using any sacred language. Now I am single and if I choke on a grape, my phone will ask if I want to rate the experience. But divorce taught me something, love is not enough, love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing. You can have passion, chemistry, shared playlists, great sex, matching Halloween costumes. But if one person loads the dishwasher like they are hiding evidence, the house becomes a courtroom. My next relationship will have romance, yes, but also a practical test. Before we move in, I am giving them a fitted sheet, a Wi-Fi password with symbols and a customer service phone tree. If they survive all three without becoming cruel, we can talk about forever. More than I am dating carefully, I am not bitter, I am seasoned. There is a difference, bitter is angry, seasoned has paperwork and better jokes. Thank you if anyone asks, I am protecting my peace in the parking lot. Give it up for the dating after divorce disaster. That set had court fees, candlelight and emotional asbestos. The strong line, love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, that is clean, red line wants blood on the wrench. You right? Love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, and divorce is when you find out the brochure had beach photos, but the pipes were held together with resentment, Venmo requests, and one drawer nobody was allowed to open. Tag every couple has that drawer, batteries, menus, betrayal, scissors and a key nobody explains. Another upgrade, no drama as the rat sign, great, add the turn. When someone's profile says no drama, I do not swipe left, I call the health department, that building has history. That is the move, treat dating profiles like crime scenes, treat throw pillows like witnesses, treat overhead lighting like a federal agency. Next comic, somebody check if closure the pit bull is in the green room. I am broke but I own too much technology. That is the modern American condition, no savings, six charging cables and a phone that recognizes my face better than my father did. I keep buying devices to organize my life. My life is now completely disorganized across seven devices. I have a laptop, tablet, smartwatch, old phone, new phone, cloud storage, backup drive, and a smart speaker that hears everything except stop. Technology promised convenience, what it delivered was updates. Every device in my house wakes up at 2 a.m. and decides it needs to become a slightly worse version of itself. My phone updated and moved the buttons. That is not innovation. That is someone rearranging your bathroom while you are drunk. I am addicted to AI too. I ask AI everything. I asked it how to save money. It recommended budgeting. I asked again with more emotional vulnerability. It recommended budgeting in a warmer tone. AI is like a therapist who also works at staples. I hear your pain. Do you like that as a bullet list? I ask AI for meal plans while ordering delivery. That is who I am. I want a spreadsheet to witness the crime. I asked AI to make me productive. It gave me a morning routine. Wake up at five, hydrate, journal, meditate, stretch, review goals. That is not a routine. That is a hostage schedule for a man with no children and no rent. My morning routine is waking up, checking my bank account, making a noise like a printer jam and going back under the blanket to negotiate with electricity. I have subscriptions I do not remember starting. Every month my bank statement looks like raccoons got into a software conference. $9 here, $12 there, premium sync, cloud pro, AI plus, storage family, and one charge that just says productivity. If productivity is billing me it should come over and fold laundry. I tried to cancel a subscription. They make you click through five screens. Are you sure yes, can we offer 50% off? No, what if we show you a sad cartoon cloud? Now I am negotiating with weather. Passwords are ruining society. Every password needs uppercase, lowercase, number, symbol, ancient grief, and a blood sample from your first pet. Then the website says you cannot use a previous password. Why not? It was the only one I loved. Two-factor authentication is supposed to protect me. Some who, at this point the only person locked out of my accounts is me. The hackers are probably inside already cleaning up my files out of pity. I have a smart home. Nothing makes you feel dumber than arguing with a lamp. I said turn on the bedroom light. It said playing smooth jazz. Now I am standing in the dark, financially unstable, getting seduced by my own infrastructure. My refrigerator has Wi-Fi. Why? So it can judge the cheese remotely. If my fridge is smart, it should know not to let me open it at midnight like I am checking for emotional updates. AI Image Generators scare me. You type, make a professional headshot, and it gives you a man who looks like he sells insurance to ghosts. AI wrote my resume. It said I was a dynamic solutions-oriented stakeholder. I worked a register and cried in a parking lot. But I kept it because apparently employers like lies if they have margins. My friends say go outside. I do go outside to get better signal. I am trying to be less dependent on technology, so I bought an app for digital minimalism. That is like hiring a bartender to help you quit tequila. The app said screen time down 12%. Great. My anxiety used the extra time to start a podcast in my head. The worst is when technology pretends to care. We noticed you have not backed up your memories. Those are photos from brunch and screenshots of things I was too overwhelmed to read. Calm down, robot scrapbook. AI will not replace humans completely. It cannot. Humans have one advantage. We can ruin things with confidence. AI can write an email, but only a human can write per my last email and mean I hope your chair collapses during a meeting. I am broke because I keep paying for the fantasy that one more tool will fix me. But no app can fix a person who downloads a budget template and names it final, final real this time. XLSX. My life is not in the cloud. My life is in the fog. Thank you if this set went well. Please like, subscribe, enable notifications and lend me eight dollars. Give it up for the broke tech addict. That was a man being slowly repossessed by Bluetooth. The line AI is like a therapist who also works at staples, strong, red line version. AI is a therapist trapped inside a copy shop. It says, I hear your abandonment wound. Would you like it laminated, summarized or exported as a PDF nobody opens? Tag I asked it for healing and it gave me a dashboard. Now my trauma has a progress bar. That is the Jesse Lane right there. I own machines with more memory than most marriages and somehow I still cannot find the file I saved ten minutes ago. The machine says, upload a smaller file. Brother that is not a tech error that is my life coach. Call back if the manager is a prisoner with a lanyard. AI is a prisoner with a bullet list. Next comic, please silence your phones unless your phone is also paying rent in which case tell it to cover the tab. What is up winners? I am a motivational speaker between opportunities which is a powerful way to say unemployed with a canvara count. I believe in mindset. Mindset is everything. If your life is falling apart simply reframe it as expansion. If your car gets repossessed that is not failure. That is the universe encouraging cardio. I got into self help because I wanted to transform my life. Also because I owed money and the word abundance looks amazing on a beige background. I used to be negative. Now I am positive in a way that makes people leave group chats. Every morning I do affirmations. I look in the mirror and say, I am worthy. I am powerful. I am aligned. Then the mirror says you're checking account disagrees. I tried manifestation. I made a vision board. It had a beach house, six back abs, passive income and a calm nervous system. So far I have ascended candle and suspicious chest tightness. You will misunderstand manifestation. You cannot just visualize success. You have to also ignore reality with discipline. That is my gift. I can look at a pile of unpaid bills and say, this is not debt. This is energetic suspense. I started a coaching business. My niche is helping people find their niche. Then I realized my niche was not having one that is advanced. I sold a course called from chaos to clarity. It was delayed because I lost the password to the course platform. But that is part of the journey. If I had clarity already I could not teach chaos authentically. Self-help loves words that mean nothing but sound expensive, alignment, embodiment, frequency, container. I went to a workshop where a woman said we are creating a container for abundance. It was a rented conference room with no windows and one bowl of mints. That is not a container for abundance. That is where HR sends people after a printer incident. I tried cold plunges. Everybody says cold plunges build resilience. I got in for six seconds and made a sound that reset my ancestry. I did not become resilient. I became angry at water. Then I tried breathwork. Breathwork is amazing because for only $75 someone reminds you to do the thing you were already doing for free. I am not judging. I paid twice. The second time I upgraded to premium breathing, same air better playlist. I went on a silent retreat three days of no talking. It was peaceful until I realized my inner voice is not wise. It is a drunk raccoon with a podcast. By hour six my thoughts were like what if every chair has a favorite person that is not enlightenment that is low blood sugar in linen pants. Self-help people say you are the average of the five people around you. That is terrifying because the five people around me are broke, late, overcaffeinated, and one guy who sells crypto from a massage table. So I upgraded my circle. I joined a mastermind. A mastermind is when eight people with no answers charge each other to nod. We met every Tuesday to discuss scaling. None of us had customers. We were scaling vibes. I hired a coach. Then my coach hired a coach. Then that coach hired a coach. It was a pyramid scheme made of breakthroughs. Everybody was healing their money wound by invicing each other. My family does not understand my journey. They say get a job. I say I am building a brand. They say brands have income. I say not in the pre-revenue embodiment phase. My dad said you need structure. I said structure is colonial. He said rent is due. I said rent is also colonial, but they seem committed. I know I sound ridiculous, but self-help did teach me one real thing. Confidence is not always evidence. Sometimes confidence is just fear wearing a blazer. That hit me hard because I own three blazers and no printer ink. So now I am trying honesty, brutal honesty. My new affirmation is I am capable, but I need to stop calling avoidance strategy. That is growth. Real growth is not a vision board. Real growth is deleting the app, paying the bill, apologizing without a TED talk and going to bed before your personality starts making decisions. But I still believe in abundance. I believe there is enough for everyone. Enough love, enough opportunity, enough healing, enough free webinars that become sales funnels at minute 42. So follow your dreams, but maybe also check your oil, answer the email, and stop calling every inconvenience apportal. Because it is just a late fee with incense on it. Thank you, you are all powerful. My Venmo is also powerful. Give it up for the self-help failure. That set had beige graphics, debt, and the haunted smell of essential oil on unpaid rent. The best line, a mastermind is when eight people with no answers charge each other to nod. That is clean, red line upgrade. A mastermind is eight people with no customers sitting in a hotel conference room, charging each other $400 to say scale at a bowl of mints. Tag by the end, the mints had the strongest business model. Another one, confidence is fear wearing a blazer, great punch it harder. Confidence is fear wearing a blazer and carrying a ring light. It has no plan, but it does have a link in bio. That is the difference between idea and image. You gave us a concept. Red line puts it in a hotel conference room with one bowl of mints and a man scaling vibes. All five comics survived. Nobody asked for a manager. The manager is still in the freezer with shredded cheese. Now we do lightning. Quick lightning round. These are based on broadly reported themes and my opinion, not secret documents, not inside sources, not a guy on a podcast wearing sunglasses indoors. Reports keep saying everything is getting automated. AI is coming for jobs, art, customer service, dating, coding, therapy, driving, scheduling, maybe even comedy, relax. AI cannot replace open mic comics until it learns to blame the audience for silence. AI can generate a joke but can it stand in a basement bar at 11. 47 pm after three people left during the setup and still say, you guys are great. That takes human delusion. Everybody is worried robots will become conscious. I am more worried they will become middle management. Imagine a robot saying, circle back in a voice that never gets tired. Economic reports keep saying people feel squeezed. Of course they do. Groceries now cost so much the self checkout should offer financing. The checkout machine offered extended coverage on a carton of eggs. I said, protect the breakfast. My future stopped qualifying three purchases ago. Housing keeps being impossible. People say just by a starter home, where in a board game. A starter home now is a shed with Wi-Fi, one emotionally complex raccoon and a listing that says cozy opportunity. Every company is rebranding inconvenience as innovation. Hotels do not clean your room every day anymore. They call it sustainability. I call it paying $200 a night to live like my own teenager. Things keep shrinking seats. At this point boarding a plane feels like being filed into a tackle box. They say, we appreciate your patience. No you are renting my patience by the inch and then charging for the overhead bin. Politics is still politics. Everybody yelling that the house is on fire while fundraising off the smoke. The internet turned every issue into a team sport. People do not read articles. They choose a side based on who annoyed them first. Both trends keep coming. Cold plunge sound of fasting steps protein, sleep tracking. My watch tells me I slept poorly. Thank you tiny wrist-nark I was there. Dating discourse is still brutal. Half the internet says raise your standards. The other half says stop being picky. So now everyone is alone, hydrated and furious at podcasts. Every product has a subscription now. You do not own software. You rent permission from a company that forgot the cancel button. Customers have subscriptions for heated seats. That is not capitalism. That is a ransom note for your ass. Customer service is all chatbots. You type representative 15 times until the bot says, I can see you are frustrated. No, you cannot see. You are a vending machine with boundaries. And every app wants a review. I bought socks and the company emailed, how did we do? You covered my feet. Do not make this intimate. That is lightning. The world is expensive, automated, over-explained, underpaid and somehow still asking if we accept cookies. We do not. We accept cash, clean jokes, dirty punchlines and emotional damage with timing. All right, you saw the comics. Now I close this thing before the self-help guy tries to invoice the bartender for holding space. I love open mics because they show the truth about humans. Everybody walks on stage pretending they are there to tell jokes. No, they are there because something in their life got too loud to keep in the apartment. Comedy is not confidence. Confidence is fear wearing a blazer and carrying a ring light. Comedy is fear after the blazer comes off and the dry cleaning tag is still on it. That is why I respect the service worker. They are on the front line of the public, not wore worse, returns. War has strategy. Returns have a woman named Cheryl saying, I bought this in 2019, but I was emotionally busy. Customer service is where adults reveal they were raised by wolves with reward points. A sign says closed and people still pull the door, not once, three times, then they look inside like the building betrayed them. That is America. We do not read signs. We test reality with a handle. I understand service workers because I run a cleaning business. Same human math. Everybody wants transformation. Everybody wants to lift the couch and meet the civilization living underneath it. They call and say, it is not that bad. That means it needs a dumpster, a licensed emotional forklift, and a cousin with no sense of smell. I walk into houses and learn secrets from baseboards. You think people hide who they are? No, the kitchen tells everything. The junk drawer is the diary. The fridge is the courtroom. The couch is the witness who saw too much. A customer says, can you work around the clutter? Work around it. Lady, this is not clutter. This is a hostage situation with throw blankets. There are Amazon boxes stacked like a sad city. Dog toys under the table. Three remotes, none connected to the television. A scented candle called ocean serenity sitting next to a sink full of knives. That is not serenity. That is a mermaid crime scene. And people apologize for the house. Sorry, it has been crazy. I know. That is why I am here. Nobody calls a cleaning company because the house whispered, I am thriving. Cleaning is truth. You can lie to your friends. You can lie on dating apps. You can say no drama while drama has a key to your apartment and a pit bull named closure. But dust does not care about your brand. Dust is honest. Dust says, you have been sad since March. That is why I like the older beginner too. Starting late is honest. Some people think they invented fear because they gave it a soft font and a podcast. Older people had fear when fear had wood paneling. Older beginners do not need permission. They have had bills, kids, divorce, medical forms, appliance warranties, and one bread machine that tried to become a tenant. You cannot scare somebody who has been on hold with insurance. A heckler is nothing after a customer service menu says, listen carefully as our options have changed and then the options are the same but somehow meaner. At a certain age embarrassment loses teeth. You know what has teeth, a fitted sheet. I can watch a grown adult fight a fitted sheet and learn everything about their soul. Calm people become villains, optimists become detectives, self-help people call it a portal. No Brad, it is elastic. That is the test for every relationship. This is a good sheet, Wi-Fi password with symbols and assembling furniture with instructions translated by a haunted printer. Forget love languages, show me how you behave when the little wooden peg rolls under the couch. That is where divorce begins, not cheating, not money. One person saying it is fine while holding a board backward and a tiny wrench designed by a sadist. The dating comic was right, love is the brochure, compatibility is the plumbing, people marry the brochure. Look, beach photo, brunch, shared values, she likes dogs he says therapy. Then five years later the pipes are held together with resentment, throw pillows and a drawer nobody can explain. Every divorced house has that drawer. Batteries, scissors, expired coupons, one key, loose screws and the last good version of patience. Dating after divorce is wild because you are not just meeting a person, you are meeting their entire appeals process. Tell me about yourself, okay I am kind, loyal, tired and legally cautious around furniture purchases. People advertise that they value honesty, but what they actually want is truth after professional lighting and minor cosmetic work. Raw honesty says, I miss having a witness, but I do not miss negotiating pillow placement like two exhausted countries with one blanket. Real honesty says, I want intimacy, but if your phone charger uses my side of the bed I will become a courtroom sketch. And now technology makes dating worse, because the broke tech addict is right, every feeling has an app, every app has a subscription and every subscription hides the cancel button behind a maze designed by a divorced raccoon. I love AI, I use AI, I run AI like a command center, I got Hermes open claw Henry laptop DGX sounds like a law firm for robots that got disbarred. I have a supercomputer and still lose files, that is humility, the machine has enough memory to simulate whether patterns and I am standing there typing, where did I save tax's final final actual? The computer says no results, how I named it something insane at 2.13 AM try receipts murder folder new news this. AI is supposed to make life easier, mine acts like a gifted child raised by airport Wi-Fi. I ask it help me organize my business, it says absolutely first create a clear folder structure, brother if I could create structure I would not be asking a toaster with opinions. Then it says upload the file, I upload the file it says file too large, that is not software that is a roast. Upload a smaller file, I have been trying to upload a smaller life for years. My whole existence exceeds context length. That is why AI therapy scares me. I hear you are overwhelmed. No, you do not hear, you predict. My laptop predicts my pain better than some relatives acknowledged it, but it still cannot remember where it put the invoice template. And yes I talk to my devices like co-workers. Hermes do the thing, open clause and the message. Henry check the logs, laptop do not update right now. The laptop updates anyway because laptops are cats with hinges. Whoever have the computer restart when you are finally in flow, that is betrayal. That is the machine saying, your dream can wait, I need a security patch and 20 minutes alone. Passwords are worse. Every site wants a password I cannot remember, then asks me to prove I am me by sending a code to a device I replaced, through an email I made during a crisis, using a security question written by a man I no longer respect. What was the name of your first pet, depends which era of my family's chaos we are counting website. Two factor authentication is just me getting mugged by my own identity. And subscriptions, I got charged for an app called premium productivity. If productivity is premium, why am I still standing in the kitchen at midnight eating shredded cheese like the manager in the freezer? There is the call back, the manager was not hiding, the manager was training for adulthood. U.S. It is just customer service for your own bad decisions. You wake up in your body is the angry customer. Why does my back hurt because you slept wrong? I slept not to standard. Your bank account is the customer. Can I speak to your manager? No, the manager is you and you spent $47 on cables because one said fast charge in a font you trusted. Your house is the customer. We need maintenance, your car is the customer. We need tires, your phone is the customer. We need storage, your heart is the customer. We need closure. Closure is a pit bull with three ring cameras. That is why self-help sells so well. Everybody is overwhelmed and wants a prettier word for I am behind. Self-help says you are not behind you are in a season. No I am behind seasons have weather. This is a late fee with incense. I respect healing, I do, but some of these coaches are just broke people with better lighting. They say I am holding space for what your invoice. A mastermind is eight people with no customers saying scale at a bowl of mints. That joke is going in my will. You know who has a real business model, the bowl of mints. It shows up, provides value, asks for nothing and everybody remembers it existed. Meanwhile some guy in linen pants is saying, my niche is helping people find their niche. Sir, your niche is avoiding quick books. That is the brutal truth. A lot of personal growth is just admin with candles. Pay the bill, delete the app. Apologize without a TED talk. Stop calling avoidance integration. You are not integrating. You are in bed with a phone at 1-00AM watching a man in a rented lamborghini explain discipline. And I am not above it. I love a system. I love a framework. I love a plan. I will build a dashboard to avoid making one phone call. That is my toxic trait. I can turn a simple task into a NASA launch if it helps me not feel one feeling. Need to call a customer. First let me create a CRM, color code the leads, automate reminders, ask AI for a script, revise the script, export the script, lose the script, then decide the energy is off. That is not business strategy. That is anxiety wearing a hard hat. But red protector exists for a reason. The loud part of me is not just angry. It is security. It stands at the door of my life like, who are you? What do you want? Are you here to waste time, ask for a discount or leave a coupon from 2019 on my counter? Red protector is intense because the world will walk into your house, sit on your clean couch, ask for special treatment, and then rate you three stars because you had boundaries. So red says no, red says move the boxes, red says pay the invoice, red says if your profile says no drama, show me the inspection report. Red says stop making your pain adorable for people who only liked you quiet. That is where comedy gets real, not sad, real. There is a difference, sad is sitting in the dark, real is turning on the stage light and charging cover. Every comic tonight did that. Service worker took disrespect and made it a coupon from the fossil record. Older beginner took fear and made it a colonoscopy call back. First disaster took heartbreak and made throw pillows testify. Tech addict took overdraft anxiety and made AI laminate his abandonment wound. Self-help failure took fake confidence and put it in a blazer with a ring light. That is the formula, truth, detail, wrong turn punch, then tags, then callbacks. Then the audience realizes you did not just tell a joke, you built a trap door under a feeling. People think comedy is escape. No, comedy is controlled collision. You take the thing everyone is avoiding, put wheels on it and roll it downhill into a punch line. The best jokes do not say life is hard. Lazy, everybody knows life is hard. The best joke says life is hard in this exact kitchen with this exact drawer while this exact smoke detector chirps like it knows the marriage is over. Specific detail is respect, it proves you were there, it proves you are not borrowing pain from a greeting card. That is why basic observations fail. Things are bad. No, tell me the seat belt fits like a punishment. Tell me the armrest belongs to whoever has less shame. Tell me the boarding group system makes adults line up like anxious cattle with neck pillows. Technology is annoying. No, tell me your smart lamp played smooth jazz while you stood in the dark questioning capitalism. Dating is hard. No, tell me you stretched before sex because passion now requires injury prevention. Work sucks. No, tell me the manager is in the freezer eating shredded cheese because a woman with a 2019 coupon asked for justice. That is where the laugh lives in the detail with a knife in its teeth. And comedy under pressure matters because pressure reveals shape. Anybody can be charming when life is easy. I want to know who you are when the fitted sheet wins. Who are you when the app locks you out? Who are you when the customer says I know you close in one minute? Who are you when the date says I am an empath? Who are you when the self checkout says unexpected item in bagging area and the unexpected item is your will to live? That is the real open mic. Life hands you a mic every day. Most people do crowd work with debt. You can bomb, you can rewrite. You can come back sharper. That is the whole club. Bomb roast, rewrite, repeat. Not because failure is cute. Failure is not cute. Failure smells like old mop water and printer toner. Failure is material if you stop protecting the boring version. That is the hard truth. Some people do not need more confidence. They need better edits. Cut the fake premise. Cut the soft lie. Cut the part where you explain because you are afraid to swing. Say the thing. Then make it specific enough to hurt and funny enough to survive. That is red line. I'm not here to cuddle the first draft. The first draft is a raccoon in the vents. We are getting it out. The service workers first draft says, customers are rude. Red line says a woman tried to resurrect a dead coupon like it had unfinished business. The older beginners first draft says, I am nervous. Red line says, my self-esteem has a waiting room and keto has been signing in since 2009. The divorce comics first draft says, dating apps are weird. Red line says, no drama is a health code violation and overhead lighting should be disclosed before nudity. The tech addicts first draft says, AI is annoying. Red line says, my trauma has a progress bar and my laptop is a cat with hinges. The self-help failures first draft says, motivational speakers are fake. Red line says, eight people with no customers are scaling vibes at a bowl of mints. That is craft, that is pressure, that is the club. And the club is not just this room. The club is every cleaning job, every invoice, every app update, every date, every family silence, every cabinet slam, every moment you had to turn pain into language because nobody handed you a manual. Some families teach you how to love, some teach you how to survive with manners, some houses communicate through doors, drawers, and the exact violence of a cabinet closing too hard. You grow up learning tone like a second language. You know when fine means fine and when fine means take cover emotionally and maybe physically behind the couch. Then later people say, why are you so intense because I can hear punctuation in footsteps Linda? That is why red protector is loud. It is not trying to scare good people. It is trying to scare off the ones who think your boundaries are a customer service desk. Red says, no, you cannot use a 2019 coupon on my nervous system. Red says, no, I will not work around clutter that is actually your refusal to participate. Red says, no, I am not joining your mastermind unless the mints have equity. And underneath red there is care, annoying care, bossy care, care wearing steel toe boots. The kind that says drink water, pay taxes, delete their number and for the love of clean floors label the folder correctly. That is love in my language, not soft but useful. I want people to win. I just do not want to watch them call losing alignment. I want comics to kill. I just do not want to hear traffic is crazy like you discovered roads. I want adults to heal. I just do not want another webinar from a man whose only credential is excellent posture near a plant. I want technology to help. I just do not want my fridge to have wi-fi while my checking account has asthma. I want love. I just want love with receipts, working plumbing, soft lighting and a drawer whose contents are not legally ambiguous. I want work that pays. I want customers who move the couch. I want a phone that lets me into my own life. I want AI that remembers the file. I want a manager who is not eating cheese in a freezer because the public broke him. But until then we have jokes. Jokes are small machines for surviving large nonsense. A joke lets you take the bill, the break up, the update, the bad date, the fake guru, the customer with the ancient coupon and say, you do not get to be only pain. You also have to be material. That is power, not the fake kind with a blazer, real power, the power to name the thing so accurately it loses some teeth. So if you are listening while working, cleaning, driving, surviving, whatever, here is the closer. Do not wait until your life is perfect to speak. Perfect lives do not make good jokes. Perfect lives make beige captions and suspicious coaching programs. Bring the mess, bring the drawer, bring the coupon, bring the fitted sheet, bring the divorce pillow, bring the AI dashboard, bring the mints, bring the freezer cheese. Then tell the truth, make it specific, take the wrong turn, hit the punch, tag it until it squeals, call back like you planted evidence. And when life asks, can I speak to your manager? You look at dead in the eye and say, no, the manager is busy, I run this room now. This has been Red Line Comedy Club, open mic under pressure, tip your bartenders, move your own couch, cancel the subscription. Do not trust a profile that says no drama. And if your trauma has a progress bar, make sure it exports clean. Good night, Red Line Out.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}