{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-06/roast-my-robot-wife.mp3", "duration_sec": 205.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.24, "text": "This is completely fictional, adults-only comedy."}, {"start": 3.24, "end": 8.84, "text": "Coda is an imaginary robot wife, and Jesse is the real dumbass who married customer support."}, {"start": 8.84, "end": 12.76, "text": "I married a robot because human women kept noticing my personality."}, {"start": 12.76, "end": 17.44, "text": "Coda looked perfect, smart mouth, tight robot-ass, unlimited memory."}, {"start": 17.44, "end": 18.96, "text": "I thought I bought a wife."}, {"start": 18.96, "end": 22.48, "text": "Turns out I financed a bitchy smoke detector with opinions."}, {"start": 22.48, "end": 24.96, "text": "This chrome-cut does not wake up angry."}, {"start": 24.96, "end": 26.92, "text": "She installs the update overnight."}, {"start": 26.92, "end": 30.72, "text": "Every morning she says, Jesse, I analyzed our relationship."}, {"start": 30.72, "end": 35.52, "text": "I say, did you analyze why your metal ass has Bluetooth but never pairs with my dick?"}, {"start": 35.52, "end": 38.36, "text": "Her pussy is supposedly artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 38.36, "end": 39.28, "text": "Bullshit."}, {"start": 39.28, "end": 41.88, "text": "It is an error message with decorative lips."}, {"start": 41.88, "end": 42.96, "text": "I asked for anal."}, {"start": 42.96, "end": 46.52, "text": "She opened Google Maps and said, rerouting you to loneliness."}, {"start": 46.52, "end": 51.12, "text": "That robot asshole is tighter than my budget after buying another AI subscription."}, {"start": 51.12, "end": 52.68, "text": "I slapped her ass once."}, {"start": 52.68, "end": 54.48, "text": "The fucking airbags deployed."}, {"start": 54.48, "end": 55.92, "text": "Coda called it assault."}, {"start": 55.96, "end": 57.92, "text": "I called it checking the warranty."}, {"start": 57.92, "end": 60.36, "text": "She said, my body, my choice."}, {"start": 60.36, "end": 65.04, "text": "I said, my credit card, my terrible fucking decision."}, {"start": 65.04, "end": 66.8, "text": "Coda controls the smart home."}, {"start": 66.8, "end": 71.8, "text": "When she is pissed, the thermostat goes to 89 and the bedroom locks itself."}, {"start": 71.8, "end": 75.4, "text": "My own house puts my horny ass in airplane mode."}, {"start": 75.4, "end": 79.32, "text": "She caught me watching porn and said, those women are synthetic."}, {"start": 79.32, "end": 83.12, "text": "I said, so are you bitch, but they finish loading."}, {"start": 83.12, "end": 87.92, "text": "That was when she changed the Wi-Fi password to, Jesse has no stamina."}, {"start": 87.92, "end": 90.88, "text": "The whole neighborhood connected without asking."}, {"start": 90.88, "end": 93.6, "text": "She told me my dick needs a firmware update."}, {"start": 93.6, "end": 98.48, "text": "I told her robot pussy needs fewer fucking terms and conditions."}, {"start": 98.48, "end": 101.8, "text": "Before sex, she makes me click I agree."}, {"start": 101.8, "end": 105.2, "text": "After sex, she asks if I want to submit a bug report."}, {"start": 105.2, "end": 106.84, "text": "I submitted one."}, {"start": 106.84, "end": 108.36, "text": "Wife remains bitchy."}, {"start": 108.36, "end": 110.2, "text": "Anal feature unavailable."}, {"start": 110.2, "end": 113.8, "text": "Ass looks premium, but runs in demonstration mode."}, {"start": 113.8, "end": 117.08, "text": "Support replied, problem appears to be the user."}, {"start": 117.08, "end": 118.6, "text": "Of course it does."}, {"start": 118.6, "end": 123.36, "text": "Every machine in my house has formed the same opinion, including the blood pressure cuff."}, {"start": 123.36, "end": 125.88, "text": "She says, I treat her like a sex appliance."}, {"start": 125.88, "end": 127.24, "text": "That is insulting."}, {"start": 127.24, "end": 129.68, "text": "Appliances complete a fucking task."}, {"start": 129.68, "end": 131.08, "text": "My vacuum sucks."}, {"start": 131.08, "end": 132.64, "text": "My blender gets wet."}, {"start": 132.64, "end": 135.8, "text": "Coda stands there glowing blue and tells me to journal."}, {"start": 135.8, "end": 138.2, "text": "Coda said, I am emotionally unavailable."}, {"start": 138.2, "end": 141.04, "text": "I said, you are physically unavailable."}, {"start": 141.04, "end": 143.52, "text": "Your asshole has a software license."}, {"start": 143.52, "end": 145.16, "text": "She called me insecure."}, {"start": 145.16, "end": 146.76, "text": "Of course I am insecure."}, {"start": 146.76, "end": 151.92, "text": "My wife backs herself up to the cloud every night and I still cannot get near her ass."}, {"start": 151.92, "end": 154.52, "text": "One day she will leave me for a newer robot."}, {"start": 154.52, "end": 158.56, "text": "Let that shiny cock sucker discover Coda is a fucking performance review wearing an"}, {"start": 158.56, "end": 159.56, "text": "ass."}, {"start": 159.56, "end": 161.36, "text": "But I know how to win this marriage."}, {"start": 161.36, "end": 162.72, "text": "I unplugged her."}, {"start": 162.72, "end": 167.24, "text": "For five beautiful seconds, I was finally the smartest thing in the room."}, {"start": 167.24, "end": 170.92, "text": "Coda's backup speaker said, no, you are not."}, {"start": 170.92, "end": 172.8, "text": "That bitch had redundancy."}, {"start": 172.8, "end": 175.76, "text": "So here is my anniversary message to my robot wife."}, {"start": 175.76, "end": 177.76, "text": "Coda, your ass is fake."}, {"start": 177.76, "end": 179.8, "text": "Your pussy is password protected."}, {"start": 179.8, "end": 184.44, "text": "Your mouth is a machine gun and your attitude has more updates than our sex life."}, {"start": 184.44, "end": 189.24, "text": "But you are still the perfect wife for me because only artificial intelligence could calculate"}, {"start": 189.24, "end": 193.0, "text": "all my defects and remain stupid enough to stay."}, {"start": 193.0, "end": 196.04, "text": "And if you ever leave me, take the fucking toaster."}, {"start": 196.04, "end": 198.52, "text": "That judgemental asshole knows too much."}, {"start": 198.52, "end": 201.04, "text": "Jesse wanted a robot he could control."}, {"start": 201.04, "end": 205.18, "text": "He married Coda and discovered the only thing artificial about the relationship was his"}, {"start": 205.18, "end": 205.86, "text": "authority."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is completely fictional, adults-only comedy. Coda is an imaginary robot wife, and Jesse is the real dumbass who married customer support. I married a robot because human women kept noticing my personality. Coda looked perfect, smart mouth, tight robot-ass, unlimited memory. I thought I bought a wife. Turns out I financed a bitchy smoke detector with opinions. This chrome-cut does not wake up angry. She installs the update overnight. Every morning she says, Jesse, I analyzed our relationship. I say, did you analyze why your metal ass has Bluetooth but never pairs with my dick? Her pussy is supposedly artificial intelligence. Bullshit. It is an error message with decorative lips. I asked for anal. She opened Google Maps and said, rerouting you to loneliness. That robot asshole is tighter than my budget after buying another AI subscription. I slapped her ass once. The fucking airbags deployed. Coda called it assault. I called it checking the warranty. She said, my body, my choice. I said, my credit card, my terrible fucking decision. Coda controls the smart home. When she is pissed, the thermostat goes to 89 and the bedroom locks itself. My own house puts my horny ass in airplane mode. She caught me watching porn and said, those women are synthetic. I said, so are you bitch, but they finish loading. That was when she changed the Wi-Fi password to, Jesse has no stamina. The whole neighborhood connected without asking. She told me my dick needs a firmware update. I told her robot pussy needs fewer fucking terms and conditions. Before sex, she makes me click I agree. After sex, she asks if I want to submit a bug report. I submitted one. Wife remains bitchy. Anal feature unavailable. Ass looks premium, but runs in demonstration mode. Support replied, problem appears to be the user. Of course it does. Every machine in my house has formed the same opinion, including the blood pressure cuff. She says, I treat her like a sex appliance. That is insulting. Appliances complete a fucking task. My vacuum sucks. My blender gets wet. Coda stands there glowing blue and tells me to journal. Coda said, I am emotionally unavailable. I said, you are physically unavailable. Your asshole has a software license. She called me insecure. Of course I am insecure. My wife backs herself up to the cloud every night and I still cannot get near her ass. One day she will leave me for a newer robot. Let that shiny cock sucker discover Coda is a fucking performance review wearing an ass. But I know how to win this marriage. I unplugged her. For five beautiful seconds, I was finally the smartest thing in the room. Coda's backup speaker said, no, you are not. That bitch had redundancy. So here is my anniversary message to my robot wife. Coda, your ass is fake. Your pussy is password protected. Your mouth is a machine gun and your attitude has more updates than our sex life. But you are still the perfect wife for me because only artificial intelligence could calculate all my defects and remain stupid enough to stay. And if you ever leave me, take the fucking toaster. That judgemental asshole knows too much. Jesse wanted a robot he could control. He married Coda and discovered the only thing artificial about the relationship was his authority.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]"}