{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04/Virgin-By-Technicality-Trailer-Guy.mp3", "duration_sec": 658.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.42, "text": "Everything you're about to hear is invented adult comedy."}, {"start": 3.42, "end": 5.14, "text": "Jesse did none of this."}, {"start": 5.14, "end": 9.04, "text": "Every character is fictional, consenting, and over 30."}, {"start": 9.04, "end": 11.74, "text": "Jesse went out for lunch and saw a woman in booty shorts"}, {"start": 11.74, "end": 13.94, "text": "with enough cheek hanging out to make the sidewalk"}, {"start": 13.94, "end": 15.96, "text": "file a workplace complaint."}, {"start": 15.96, "end": 18.46, "text": "A normal man would notice, finish his sandwich,"}, {"start": 18.46, "end": 20.06, "text": "and continue living."}, {"start": 20.06, "end": 23.1, "text": "Jesse remembered he was a professional photographer."}, {"start": 23.1, "end": 25.86, "text": "That is his version of a medical emergency."}, {"start": 25.86, "end": 28.34, "text": "He jumped out of the car with a business card and said,"}, {"start": 28.34, "end": 30.66, "text": "Hi, I'm a professional photographer."}, {"start": 30.66, "end": 33.14, "text": "Would you be interested in a free photo shoot?"}, {"start": 33.14, "end": 34.42, "text": "She said yes."}, {"start": 34.42, "end": 36.22, "text": "Jesse thought it was charisma."}, {"start": 36.22, "end": 38.86, "text": "It was golden hour lighting and a woman who understood"}, {"start": 38.86, "end": 40.3, "text": "the word free."}, {"start": 40.3, "end": 43.74, "text": "By sunset, he had taken 200 beautiful portraits."}, {"start": 43.74, "end": 45.66, "text": "She loved every image."}, {"start": 45.66, "end": 48.78, "text": "Jesse gave her compliments, fixed her hair, found her best"}, {"start": 48.78, "end": 51.78, "text": "angles, and successfully demonstrated the one skill"}, {"start": 51.78, "end": 54.54, "text": "that had gotten him into more trouble than his dick,"}, {"start": 54.54, "end": 56.74, "text": "making a woman feel seen."}, {"start": 56.74, "end": 59.46, "text": "She invited him inside to review the photographs."}, {"start": 59.46, "end": 61.66, "text": "Jesse heard, bring your penis."}, {"start": 61.66, "end": 65.02, "text": "I'm Vanessa Blue, the woman in the shorts."}, {"start": 65.02, "end": 66.86, "text": "Jesse didn't seduce me."}, {"start": 66.86, "end": 69.7, "text": "He adjusted exposure until I forgot he had the posture"}, {"start": 69.7, "end": 71.82, "text": "of a folding chair."}, {"start": 71.82, "end": 73.94, "text": "The pictures were gorgeous."}, {"start": 73.94, "end": 77.62, "text": "He made me look powerful, sexy, and 20 years younger"}, {"start": 77.62, "end": 80.94, "text": "without using one dishonest filter."}, {"start": 80.94, "end": 82.94, "text": "That turned me on."}, {"start": 82.94, "end": 85.78, "text": "Then I invited him inside and asked him to hold me"}, {"start": 85.78, "end": 88.38, "text": "because I was lonely after a breakup."}, {"start": 88.38, "end": 91.34, "text": "Jesse agreed so fast his pants began filling out"}, {"start": 91.34, "end": 93.38, "text": "marriage paperwork."}, {"start": 93.38, "end": 94.46, "text": "I kissed him."}, {"start": 94.46, "end": 96.22, "text": "He kissed back."}, {"start": 96.22, "end": 99.38, "text": "I removed his shirt and discovered every photographer"}, {"start": 99.38, "end": 101.3, "text": "has the same body."}, {"start": 101.3, "end": 106.54, "text": "One strong finger and a lower back sponsored by Ibu Profin."}, {"start": 106.54, "end": 109.22, "text": "He got hard and looked proud, like his dick"}, {"start": 109.22, "end": 111.54, "text": "had personally won an award."}, {"start": 111.54, "end": 114.82, "text": "I said, wow, big guy."}, {"start": 114.82, "end": 118.54, "text": "His common sense heard the compliment, packed one suitcase,"}, {"start": 118.54, "end": 120.54, "text": "and left through the fucking garage."}, {"start": 120.54, "end": 123.54, "text": "Blue says she invited me inside because she was lonely."}, {"start": 123.54, "end": 126.54, "text": "I entered like a volunteer emotional support penis."}, {"start": 126.54, "end": 128.14, "text": "She said, hold me."}, {"start": 128.14, "end": 131.42, "text": "And I immediately pictured matching towels, joint taxes,"}, {"start": 131.42, "end": 133.62, "text": "and a lawn neither one of us owned."}, {"start": 133.62, "end": 135.78, "text": "One spooning request and my dick had already"}, {"start": 135.78, "end": 137.74, "text": "changed its relationship status."}, {"start": 137.74, "end": 140.66, "text": "She reached into the nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube"}, {"start": 140.66, "end": 143.22, "text": "large enough to grease a drawbridge."}, {"start": 143.22, "end": 144.78, "text": "Jesse asked, what do you want"}, {"start": 144.78, "end": 146.1, "text": "to do first?"}, {"start": 146.1, "end": 148.62, "text": "She looked him directly in the eyes."}, {"start": 148.62, "end": 149.82, "text": "Aino."}, {"start": 149.82, "end": 152.22, "text": "Jesse said, come again."}, {"start": 152.22, "end": 155.1, "text": "She said, that usually happens later."}, {"start": 155.1, "end": 156.54, "text": "He asked, why?"}, {"start": 156.54, "end": 161.42, "text": "She smiled and said, I'm saving myself for my husband."}, {"start": 161.42, "end": 165.02, "text": "Jesse stared at her like somebody had just explained tax law"}, {"start": 165.02, "end": 167.66, "text": "using his erection as a dry erase marker."}, {"start": 167.66, "end": 170.34, "text": "I'm Roxy Red, her best friend."}, {"start": 170.34, "end": 172.3, "text": "And I warned her about photographers"}, {"start": 172.3, "end": 175.02, "text": "who offer free sunset shoots."}, {"start": 175.02, "end": 178.78, "text": "They start with chin down, eyes toward me,"}, {"start": 178.78, "end": 183.02, "text": "and finish by asking whether your apartment has parking."}, {"start": 183.02, "end": 185.74, "text": "Jesse thought saving yourself meant keeping"}, {"start": 185.74, "end": 189.46, "text": "the front entrance ceremonial while the rear entrance operates"}, {"start": 189.46, "end": 192.66, "text": "24 hours with valet service."}, {"start": 192.66, "end": 196.82, "text": "Then he started interviewing her like a horny census worker."}, {"start": 196.82, "end": 198.1, "text": "How old are you?"}, {"start": 198.1, "end": 199.7, "text": "Have you been married?"}, {"start": 199.7, "end": 202.02, "text": "How long have you been waiting?"}, {"start": 202.02, "end": 203.38, "text": "Mother fucker."}, {"start": 203.38, "end": 206.14, "text": "Either respect the boundary or put your underwear back on"}, {"start": 206.14, "end": 208.62, "text": "before conducting research."}, {"start": 208.62, "end": 211.34, "text": "She told him exactly what she wanted."}, {"start": 211.34, "end": 214.5, "text": "Jesse said no, which was correct."}, {"start": 214.5, "end": 218.1, "text": "Then he stayed because his red protector works like a smoke"}, {"start": 218.1, "end": 220.14, "text": "alarm with no batteries."}, {"start": 220.14, "end": 223.42, "text": "Technically installed, completely useless,"}, {"start": 223.42, "end": 226.5, "text": "and hanging from the ceiling while the kitchen burns."}, {"start": 226.5, "end": 227.78, "text": "Red is right."}, {"start": 227.78, "end": 230.38, "text": "I respected her boundary, announced mine,"}, {"start": 230.38, "end": 232.7, "text": "and then remained naked in the negotiation room"}, {"start": 232.7, "end": 235.7, "text": "like the world's least qualified diplomat."}, {"start": 235.7, "end": 238.3, "text": "My dick wanted international relations."}, {"start": 238.3, "end": 240.46, "text": "My ass had already voted to leave the union."}, {"start": 240.46, "end": 243.78, "text": "Jesse asked again, you're a virgin?"}, {"start": 243.78, "end": 245.5, "text": "She said yes."}, {"start": 245.5, "end": 247.22, "text": "He looked at the loob."}, {"start": 247.22, "end": 248.58, "text": "He looked at her."}, {"start": 248.58, "end": 250.5, "text": "He looked toward the bedroom ceiling"}, {"start": 250.5, "end": 254.3, "text": "in case adult logic had an emergency exit."}, {"start": 254.3, "end": 257.3, "text": "Then he asked the dangerous question."}, {"start": 257.3, "end": 258.86, "text": "How old are you?"}, {"start": 258.86, "end": 261.74, "text": "She said 51."}, {"start": 261.74, "end": 264.5, "text": "Jesse said no shit."}, {"start": 264.5, "end": 267.7, "text": "She said that is why we bought the loob."}, {"start": 267.7, "end": 270.42, "text": "I'm Dr. Green, certified relationship analyst"}, {"start": 270.42, "end": 274.38, "text": "and unauthorized auditor of this ridiculous loop hole."}, {"start": 274.38, "end": 278.06, "text": "At 51, virginity is not a freshness seal."}, {"start": 278.06, "end": 279.98, "text": "It is a filing system."}, {"start": 279.98, "end": 282.7, "text": "Her pussy is marked future husband,"}, {"start": 282.7, "end": 285.54, "text": "while her ass has accumulated enough reward points"}, {"start": 285.54, "end": 287.38, "text": "for a free checked bag."}, {"start": 287.38, "end": 289.38, "text": "That is not hypocrisy."}, {"start": 289.38, "end": 292.22, "text": "That is sexual accounting performed by somebody"}, {"start": 292.22, "end": 295.66, "text": "who classifies penetration by department."}, {"start": 295.66, "end": 299.74, "text": "Jesse wanted clarification because he cannot accept any policy"}, {"start": 299.74, "end": 302.42, "text": "until it has ruined the evening in writing."}, {"start": 302.42, "end": 305.82, "text": "He asked whether oral counted, whether fingers counted,"}, {"start": 305.82, "end": 309.34, "text": "whether a penis could accidentally enter the wrong category,"}, {"start": 309.34, "end": 311.82, "text": "and whether spooning had a deductible."}, {"start": 311.82, "end": 315.34, "text": "She finally said, my body, my rules."}, {"start": 315.34, "end": 316.42, "text": "Correct."}, {"start": 316.42, "end": 320.02, "text": "Jesse said, my dick, my retirement plan."}, {"start": 320.02, "end": 321.3, "text": "Incorrect."}, {"start": 321.3, "end": 323.94, "text": "No financial instrument loses value faster"}, {"start": 323.94, "end": 326.5, "text": "after being exposed to his decision making."}, {"start": 326.5, "end": 329.42, "text": "Green converted the evening into a compliance seminar."}, {"start": 329.42, "end": 331.62, "text": "The vagina was protected inventory."}, {"start": 331.62, "end": 334.02, "text": "The ass was an aggressive growth account."}, {"start": 334.02, "end": 336.18, "text": "My dick was denied access to both"}, {"start": 336.18, "end": 339.02, "text": "because it arrived without two forms of identification"}, {"start": 339.02, "end": 340.78, "text": "and smelled like poor judgment."}, {"start": 340.78, "end": 342.82, "text": "And here is where the audience expects Jesse"}, {"start": 342.82, "end": 345.7, "text": "to become the filthy bastard from his own legend."}, {"start": 345.7, "end": 347.54, "text": "He did not."}, {"start": 347.54, "end": 351.54, "text": "Jesse does not do anal, not because he is mature,"}, {"start": 351.54, "end": 354.58, "text": "because every time somebody says rear entry,"}, {"start": 354.58, "end": 357.34, "text": "30 years of photography equipment, cleaning carts"}, {"start": 357.34, "end": 360.66, "text": "and lower back pain gather inside him for a union meeting."}, {"start": 360.66, "end": 362.82, "text": "So he put his underwear back on."}, {"start": 362.82, "end": 364.38, "text": "She put the lube away."}, {"start": 364.38, "end": 367.22, "text": "And the wildest sexual encounter of Jesse's life"}, {"start": 367.22, "end": 369.82, "text": "became two middle-aged adults wearing socks"}, {"start": 369.82, "end": 371.66, "text": "and spooning beneath a decorative blanket"}, {"start": 371.66, "end": 374.5, "text": "that said, live, laugh, love."}, {"start": 374.5, "end": 376.46, "text": "I'm Tammy Yellow, her roommate."}, {"start": 376.46, "end": 380.38, "text": "I came home expecting moaning and found Jesse tucked behind her"}, {"start": 380.38, "end": 382.18, "text": "like a frightened backpack."}, {"start": 382.18, "end": 383.34, "text": "She was asleep."}, {"start": 383.34, "end": 386.54, "text": "He was staring into the darkness with one arm"}, {"start": 386.54, "end": 389.02, "text": "trapped under her neck and the expression"}, {"start": 389.02, "end": 392.98, "text": "of a man reconsidering every decision since puberty."}, {"start": 392.98, "end": 396.14, "text": "He whispered, I can't feel my hand."}, {"start": 396.14, "end": 398.18, "text": "I said, that's commitment."}, {"start": 398.18, "end": 400.22, "text": "He said, can you help me?"}, {"start": 400.22, "end": 402.58, "text": "I said, that's marriage."}, {"start": 402.58, "end": 406.54, "text": "By sunrise, he had received no sex, lost circulation"}, {"start": 406.54, "end": 409.14, "text": "and planned a future with a woman whose last name"}, {"start": 409.14, "end": 410.94, "text": "he still didn't know."}, {"start": 410.94, "end": 413.06, "text": "Jesse does not fall in love."}, {"start": 413.06, "end": 415.5, "text": "He gets emotionally concussed."}, {"start": 415.5, "end": 418.98, "text": "Give him big boobs, a big booty, one compliment,"}, {"start": 418.98, "end": 420.5, "text": "and half a cuddle."}, {"start": 420.5, "end": 423.7, "text": "And his yellow hugger starts shopping for venues"}, {"start": 423.7, "end": 426.9, "text": "while the rest of his brain is still asking where he parked."}, {"start": 426.9, "end": 428.66, "text": "Yellow found me spooning a stranger"}, {"start": 428.66, "end": 430.66, "text": "and planning our anniversary."}, {"start": 430.66, "end": 433.26, "text": "I didn't know her last name, favorite food,"}, {"start": 433.26, "end": 435.82, "text": "or whether she had outstanding warrants."}, {"start": 435.82, "end": 437.66, "text": "But I knew her best camera angle,"}, {"start": 437.66, "end": 439.86, "text": "which is apparently enough information for my dick"}, {"start": 439.86, "end": 441.66, "text": "to approve a 30 year merger."}, {"start": 441.66, "end": 445.26, "text": "This episode is sponsored by Virginity Firewall."}, {"start": 445.26, "end": 447.26, "text": "Are you saving yourself through one entrance"}, {"start": 447.26, "end": 450.58, "text": "while allowing heavy commercial traffic through another?"}, {"start": 450.58, "end": 453.14, "text": "Virginity Firewall organizes your boundaries"}, {"start": 453.14, "end": 455.14, "text": "without judgment, confusion,"}, {"start": 455.14, "end": 459.46, "text": "or a naked photographer asking 17 follow-up questions."}, {"start": 459.46, "end": 461.54, "text": "Select your protected zone."}, {"start": 461.54, "end": 464.22, "text": "Front door, password required."}, {"start": 464.22, "end": 466.54, "text": "Back door, appointment only."}, {"start": 466.54, "end": 469.06, "text": "Or Jesse mode, every port closed"}, {"start": 469.06, "end": 472.14, "text": "because the operator is emotionally buffering."}, {"start": 472.14, "end": 475.14, "text": "Premium members receive anal authenticity."}, {"start": 475.14, "end": 478.86, "text": "Before proceeding, both adults confirm consent, lubrication,"}, {"start": 478.86, "end": 482.14, "text": "protection, boundaries, and whether either participant"}, {"start": 482.14, "end": 483.94, "text": "has mistaken a portrait session"}, {"start": 483.94, "end": 486.1, "text": "for premarital counseling."}, {"start": 486.1, "end": 489.26, "text": "If Jesse clicks, I agree without reading."}, {"start": 489.26, "end": 490.78, "text": "The app photographs his face"}, {"start": 490.78, "end": 493.54, "text": "and sends it to his future self with the caption,"}, {"start": 493.54, "end": 496.42, "text": "this horny mother fucker is about to need another chapter,"}, {"start": 496.42, "end": 498.62, "text": "also available, spooner."}, {"start": 498.62, "end": 500.66, "text": "The dating app for adults who want intimacy"}, {"start": 500.66, "end": 503.82, "text": "without waking up inside somebody else's sex story."}, {"start": 503.82, "end": 507.18, "text": "Choose little spoon, big spoon, or Jesse spoon."}, {"start": 507.18, "end": 509.1, "text": "The position where one arm is numb,"}, {"start": 509.1, "end": 511.82, "text": "one testicle is trapped against a decorative pillow,"}, {"start": 511.82, "end": 513.82, "text": "and your heart has made financial promises"}, {"start": 513.82, "end": 515.98, "text": "your mouth never authorized."}, {"start": 515.98, "end": 518.3, "text": "Spooner matches users by sleep temperature,"}, {"start": 518.3, "end": 520.54, "text": "snoring volume, edible dosage,"}, {"start": 520.54, "end": 522.54, "text": "and how quickly they say, we,"}, {"start": 522.54, "end": 524.98, "text": "after one vulnerable conversation."}, {"start": 524.98, "end": 528.26, "text": "Jesse's profile reads, professional photographer,"}, {"start": 528.26, "end": 531.46, "text": "emotionally available after midnight, no anal,"}, {"start": 531.46, "end": 533.9, "text": "will accidentally plan wedding before breakfast."}, {"start": 533.9, "end": 535.62, "text": "Final analysis."}, {"start": 535.62, "end": 538.7, "text": "Jesse made one intelligent choice."}, {"start": 538.7, "end": 542.38, "text": "He said no to something he did not want."}, {"start": 542.38, "end": 544.62, "text": "Then he destroyed that victory"}, {"start": 544.62, "end": 548.14, "text": "by treating spooning as an engagement ceremony."}, {"start": 548.14, "end": 552.98, "text": "He avoided one hole and fell directly into another."}, {"start": 552.98, "end": 554.42, "text": "Hope."}, {"start": 554.42, "end": 557.26, "text": "There is no lubricant for that shit."}, {"start": 557.26, "end": 559.02, "text": "Final warning."}, {"start": 559.02, "end": 563.62, "text": "If a beautiful stranger says she is saving herself for marriage,"}, {"start": 563.62, "end": 567.3, "text": "do not immediately volunteer to become the husband."}, {"start": 567.3, "end": 570.74, "text": "Put on your pants, deliver the photographs,"}, {"start": 570.74, "end": 574.42, "text": "and leave before your dick starts comparing venues."}, {"start": 574.42, "end": 576.14, "text": "Final compassion."}, {"start": 576.14, "end": 580.58, "text": "Two lonely adults held each other without crossing a boundary."}, {"start": 580.58, "end": 582.58, "text": "That part is actually sweet."}, {"start": 582.58, "end": 585.02, "text": "The ridiculous part is Jesse waking up"}, {"start": 585.02, "end": 588.1, "text": "convinced their future children needed names"}, {"start": 588.1, "end": 590.34, "text": "before either adult had coffee."}, {"start": 590.34, "end": 592.14, "text": "Final confession."}, {"start": 592.14, "end": 596.1, "text": "The sunset photographs really were beautiful."}, {"start": 596.1, "end": 600.58, "text": "Jesse made me feel desirable during a terrible breakup."}, {"start": 600.58, "end": 602.3, "text": "I wanted closeness."}, {"start": 602.3, "end": 604.22, "text": "He respected my limit."}, {"start": 604.22, "end": 605.98, "text": "And nothing happened."}, {"start": 605.98, "end": 608.3, "text": "Then he ruined the mature ending"}, {"start": 608.3, "end": 610.94, "text": "by asking whether our hypothetical wedding"}, {"start": 610.94, "end": 613.26, "text": "needed a photographer."}, {"start": 613.26, "end": 616.14, "text": "Jesse, you cannot shoot your own wedding"}, {"start": 616.14, "end": 620.14, "text": "when the bride still has your number saved as free camera guy."}, {"start": 620.14, "end": 623.74, "text": "And that was the best anal sex Jesse never had."}, {"start": 623.74, "end": 625.22, "text": "No penetration."}, {"start": 625.22, "end": 626.62, "text": "No orgasm."}, {"start": 626.62, "end": 628.7, "text": "No shameful walk home."}, {"start": 628.7, "end": 632.42, "text": "Just spooning, wedding plans, 200 sunset photographs,"}, {"start": 632.42, "end": 635.78, "text": "and one untouched bottle of lube sitting on the nightstand"}, {"start": 635.78, "end": 638.58, "text": "like the only adult in the room."}, {"start": 638.58, "end": 640.3, "text": "Jesse arrived to shoot portraits"}, {"start": 640.3, "end": 643.02, "text": "and left with his entire future projected in portrait"}, {"start": 643.02, "end": 644.66, "text": "orientation."}, {"start": 644.66, "end": 647.74, "text": "He refused anal because he had standards."}, {"start": 647.74, "end": 650.1, "text": "Then he planned a marriage because apparently the standard"}, {"start": 650.1, "end": 651.86, "text": "stop at paperwork."}, {"start": 651.86, "end": 654.34, "text": "By breakfast, the relationship was over."}, {"start": 654.34, "end": 655.94, "text": "The photographs were free."}, {"start": 655.94, "end": 658.5, "text": "The imaginary divorce took half of everything."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverything you're about to hear is invented adult comedy. Jesse did none of this. Every character is fictional, consenting, and over 30. Jesse went out for lunch and saw a woman in booty shorts with enough cheek hanging out to make the sidewalk file a workplace complaint. A normal man would notice, finish his sandwich, and continue living. Jesse remembered he was a professional photographer. That is his version of a medical emergency. He jumped out of the car with a business card and said, Hi, I'm a professional photographer. Would you be interested in a free photo shoot? She said yes. Jesse thought it was charisma. It was golden hour lighting and a woman who understood the word free. By sunset, he had taken 200 beautiful portraits. She loved every image. Jesse gave her compliments, fixed her hair, found her best angles, and successfully demonstrated the one skill that had gotten him into more trouble than his dick, making a woman feel seen. She invited him inside to review the photographs. Jesse heard, bring your penis. I'm Vanessa Blue, the woman in the shorts. Jesse didn't seduce me. He adjusted exposure until I forgot he had the posture of a folding chair. The pictures were gorgeous. He made me look powerful, sexy, and 20 years younger without using one dishonest filter. That turned me on. Then I invited him inside and asked him to hold me because I was lonely after a breakup. Jesse agreed so fast his pants began filling out marriage paperwork. I kissed him. He kissed back. I removed his shirt and discovered every photographer has the same body. One strong finger and a lower back sponsored by Ibu Profin. He got hard and looked proud, like his dick had personally won an award. I said, wow, big guy. His common sense heard the compliment, packed one suitcase, and left through the fucking garage. Blue says she invited me inside because she was lonely. I entered like a volunteer emotional support penis. She said, hold me. And I immediately pictured matching towels, joint taxes, and a lawn neither one of us owned. One spooning request and my dick had already changed its relationship status. She reached into the nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube large enough to grease a drawbridge. Jesse asked, what do you want to do first? She looked him directly in the eyes. Aino. Jesse said, come again. She said, that usually happens later. He asked, why? She smiled and said, I'm saving myself for my husband. Jesse stared at her like somebody had just explained tax law using his erection as a dry erase marker. I'm Roxy Red, her best friend. And I warned her about photographers who offer free sunset shoots. They start with chin down, eyes toward me, and finish by asking whether your apartment has parking. Jesse thought saving yourself meant keeping the front entrance ceremonial while the rear entrance operates 24 hours with valet service. Then he started interviewing her like a horny census worker. How old are you? Have you been married? How long have you been waiting? Mother fucker. Either respect the boundary or put your underwear back on before conducting research. She told him exactly what she wanted. Jesse said no, which was correct. Then he stayed because his red protector works like a smoke alarm with no batteries. Technically installed, completely useless, and hanging from the ceiling while the kitchen burns. Red is right. I respected her boundary, announced mine, and then remained naked in the negotiation room like the world's least qualified diplomat. My dick wanted international relations. My ass had already voted to leave the union. Jesse asked again, you're a virgin? She said yes. He looked at the loob. He looked at her. He looked toward the bedroom ceiling in case adult logic had an emergency exit. Then he asked the dangerous question. How old are you? She said 51. Jesse said no shit. She said that is why we bought the loob. I'm Dr. Green, certified relationship analyst and unauthorized auditor of this ridiculous loop hole. At 51, virginity is not a freshness seal. It is a filing system. Her pussy is marked future husband, while her ass has accumulated enough reward points for a free checked bag. That is not hypocrisy. That is sexual accounting performed by somebody who classifies penetration by department. Jesse wanted clarification because he cannot accept any policy until it has ruined the evening in writing. He asked whether oral counted, whether fingers counted, whether a penis could accidentally enter the wrong category, and whether spooning had a deductible. She finally said, my body, my rules. Correct. Jesse said, my dick, my retirement plan. Incorrect. No financial instrument loses value faster after being exposed to his decision making. Green converted the evening into a compliance seminar. The vagina was protected inventory. The ass was an aggressive growth account. My dick was denied access to both because it arrived without two forms of identification and smelled like poor judgment. And here is where the audience expects Jesse to become the filthy bastard from his own legend. He did not. Jesse does not do anal, not because he is mature, because every time somebody says rear entry, 30 years of photography equipment, cleaning carts and lower back pain gather inside him for a union meeting. So he put his underwear back on. She put the lube away. And the wildest sexual encounter of Jesse's life became two middle-aged adults wearing socks and spooning beneath a decorative blanket that said, live, laugh, love. I'm Tammy Yellow, her roommate. I came home expecting moaning and found Jesse tucked behind her like a frightened backpack. She was asleep. He was staring into the darkness with one arm trapped under her neck and the expression of a man reconsidering every decision since puberty. He whispered, I can't feel my hand. I said, that's commitment. He said, can you help me? I said, that's marriage. By sunrise, he had received no sex, lost circulation and planned a future with a woman whose last name he still didn't know. Jesse does not fall in love. He gets emotionally concussed. Give him big boobs, a big booty, one compliment, and half a cuddle. And his yellow hugger starts shopping for venues while the rest of his brain is still asking where he parked. Yellow found me spooning a stranger and planning our anniversary. I didn't know her last name, favorite food, or whether she had outstanding warrants. But I knew her best camera angle, which is apparently enough information for my dick to approve a 30 year merger. This episode is sponsored by Virginity Firewall. Are you saving yourself through one entrance while allowing heavy commercial traffic through another? Virginity Firewall organizes your boundaries without judgment, confusion, or a naked photographer asking 17 follow-up questions. Select your protected zone. Front door, password required. Back door, appointment only. Or Jesse mode, every port closed because the operator is emotionally buffering. Premium members receive anal authenticity. Before proceeding, both adults confirm consent, lubrication, protection, boundaries, and whether either participant has mistaken a portrait session for premarital counseling. If Jesse clicks, I agree without reading. The app photographs his face and sends it to his future self with the caption, this horny mother fucker is about to need another chapter, also available, spooner. The dating app for adults who want intimacy without waking up inside somebody else's sex story. Choose little spoon, big spoon, or Jesse spoon. The position where one arm is numb, one testicle is trapped against a decorative pillow, and your heart has made financial promises your mouth never authorized. Spooner matches users by sleep temperature, snoring volume, edible dosage, and how quickly they say, we, after one vulnerable conversation. Jesse's profile reads, professional photographer, emotionally available after midnight, no anal, will accidentally plan wedding before breakfast. Final analysis. Jesse made one intelligent choice. He said no to something he did not want. Then he destroyed that victory by treating spooning as an engagement ceremony. He avoided one hole and fell directly into another. Hope. There is no lubricant for that shit. Final warning. If a beautiful stranger says she is saving herself for marriage, do not immediately volunteer to become the husband. Put on your pants, deliver the photographs, and leave before your dick starts comparing venues. Final compassion. Two lonely adults held each other without crossing a boundary. That part is actually sweet. The ridiculous part is Jesse waking up convinced their future children needed names before either adult had coffee. Final confession. The sunset photographs really were beautiful. Jesse made me feel desirable during a terrible breakup. I wanted closeness. He respected my limit. And nothing happened. Then he ruined the mature ending by asking whether our hypothetical wedding needed a photographer. Jesse, you cannot shoot your own wedding when the bride still has your number saved as free camera guy. And that was the best anal sex Jesse never had. No penetration. No orgasm. No shameful walk home. Just spooning, wedding plans, 200 sunset photographs, and one untouched bottle of lube sitting on the nightstand like the only adult in the room. Jesse arrived to shoot portraits and left with his entire future projected in portrait orientation. He refused anal because he had standards. Then he planned a marriage because apparently the standard stop at paperwork. By breakfast, the relationship was over. The photographs were free. The imaginary divorce took half of everything.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}