{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04/TRAILER_GUY_EX_FILES_DISPENSARY.mp3", "duration_sec": 596.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.24, "text": "This is comedy, laughs and giggles."}, {"start": 2.24, "end": 4.0, "text": "Every ex in this show is fake."}, {"start": 4.0, "end": 6.72, "text": "Every commercial is fake, and every bad decision is"}, {"start": 6.72, "end": 8.96, "text": "unfortunately wearing my face."}, {"start": 8.96, "end": 12.16, "text": "Welcome to trailer guy's ex files dispensary,"}, {"start": 12.16, "end": 14.72, "text": "where the weed is imaginary, the women are fictional,"}, {"start": 14.72, "end": 18.0, "text": "and the host is real fucking tired of everybody's shit."}, {"start": 18.0, "end": 19.44, "text": "I dated thick women."}, {"start": 19.44, "end": 21.2, "text": "I dated skinny women."}, {"start": 21.2, "end": 25.68, "text": "Apparently my type is anybody whose red flags can fit inside my blind spot."}, {"start": 25.68, "end": 28.64, "text": "A thick ex would steal the blankets and leave me one corner."}, {"start": 28.64, "end": 32.88, "text": "A skinny ex would steal the blankets and somehow the blanket looked lonely with her."}, {"start": 32.88, "end": 37.28, "text": "Either way, I woke up cold, confused, and apologizing to a mattress."}, {"start": 37.28, "end": 41.84, "text": "Tonight my four colors are judging the fakes commercials ever made for the fakes"}, {"start": 41.84, "end": 43.68, "text": "X's I never survived."}, {"start": 43.68, "end": 45.6, "text": "If the joke kills, we sell nothing."}, {"start": 45.6, "end": 50.08, "text": "If it bombs, we roast the comics ass until their confidence comes with a child proof lid."}, {"start": 50.8, "end": 53.12, "text": "First commercial, no warm up, hit the wound."}, {"start": 53.92, "end": 55.92, "text": "I have prepared scoring categories."}, {"start": 56.0, "end": 62.48, "text": "Set up, misdirection, punchline, tags, and whether Jesse makes another terrible decision while holding a microphone."}, {"start": 63.28, "end": 65.68, "text": "That last category may exceed the spreadsheet."}, {"start": 66.48, "end": 68.72, "text": "Can we please remember these are fictional women?"}, {"start": 69.52, "end": 70.64, "text": "Absolutely."}, {"start": 70.64, "end": 74.16, "text": "Real women had the good sense to block me before the second draft."}, {"start": 74.8, "end": 80.24, "text": "Fake commercial number one, thick ex emergency meal kit, as your thick fictional ex ever said,"}, {"start": 80.24, "end": 85.04, "text": "I'm not hungry, then eaten half your dinner with the accuracy of a military extraction,"}, {"start": 85.04, "end": 87.6, "text": "introducing the thick ex emergency meal kit."}, {"start": 87.6, "end": 92.88, "text": "It comes with two entrees, yours and the one she claimed she didn't want until yours developed"}, {"start": 92.88, "end": 94.08, "text": "emotional value."}, {"start": 94.08, "end": 99.44, "text": "Every kid includes decoy fries, place them near the edge of the table and protect the real fries"}, {"start": 99.44, "end": 101.12, "text": "underneath your tax documents."}, {"start": 101.12, "end": 104.88, "text": "She may risk cholesterol, but nobody wants to read your deductions."}, {"start": 104.88, "end": 109.12, "text": "The deluxe kit includes a relationship-sized ranch cup, not for dipping."}, {"start": 109.12, "end": 112.64, "text": "You throw it down the hallway and run while she investigates the noise."}, {"start": 112.72, "end": 115.28, "text": "My fake ex said, are you calling me fat?"}, {"start": 115.28, "end": 117.84, "text": "I said, no baby, I'm calling you prepared."}, {"start": 117.84, "end": 123.04, "text": "If winter traps us in this house, you and the snack drawer are already in a committed relationship."}, {"start": 123.04, "end": 125.6, "text": "She sat on my face. I didn't see heaven."}, {"start": 125.6, "end": 129.12, "text": "I saw the terms and conditions I skipped before entering the relationship."}, {"start": 129.92, "end": 131.44, "text": "That wasn't Conolinguus."}, {"start": 131.44, "end": 134.08, "text": "That was a mattress recall with facial recognition."}, {"start": 134.96, "end": 140.0, "text": "Technically Jesse's mouth was occupied for the first time without making the situation worse."}, {"start": 140.8, "end": 145.52, "text": "He wanted a safe word. His lungs selected whatever noise is still possible."}, {"start": 146.32, "end": 149.12, "text": "The romantic part is that she trusted him with her body."}, {"start": 149.92, "end": 153.36, "text": "The terrifying part is that my neck filed for workers' compensation."}, {"start": 154.08, "end": 157.52, "text": "Fake commercial number two, Skinny X-Waded Blanket."}, {"start": 157.52, "end": 162.48, "text": "Are you dating a woman so skinny, cuddling feels like sleeping with a folded lawn chair?"}, {"start": 162.48, "end": 167.44, "text": "Try the Skinny X-Waded Blanket. It adds warmth, softness, and enough body mass to stop the"}, {"start": 167.44, "end": 172.48, "text": "ceiling fan from putting her in another zip code. My fake Skinny X got on top during sex."}, {"start": 172.48, "end": 177.6, "text": "I thought finally danger. Then she shifted sideways and disappeared between the mattress and fitted"}, {"start": 177.6, "end": 182.72, "text": "sheet. I spent 40 minutes calling her name and checking the pillowcases. I found her near the"}, {"start": 182.72, "end": 188.24, "text": "footboard, pissed off, and collecting lint like evidence. She said, you didn't feel me leave?"}, {"start": 188.24, "end": 192.56, "text": "Baby, I thought the room got a draft. The premium blanket comes with pockets."}, {"start": 192.56, "end": 197.28, "text": "One for her phone, one for snacks, and one for the ass she keeps claiming is coming in."}, {"start": 197.36, "end": 201.04, "text": "That ass has been coming in longer than a contractor with no deposit."}, {"start": 201.68, "end": 204.24, "text": "Her booty isn't late, it cancelled the project."}, {"start": 205.04, "end": 207.6, "text": "There was insufficient material for construction."}, {"start": 208.48, "end": 213.68, "text": "Her thong is an underwear. It's a rumor with elastic. She still deserves affection."}, {"start": 214.48, "end": 218.4, "text": "Give her affection. Just use both hands so she doesn't blow under the couch."}, {"start": 219.2, "end": 223.2, "text": "Fake commercial number three, the Stoner Relationship Translator,"}, {"start": 223.28, "end": 228.32, "text": "for cannabis loving adults who can remember every snack in the house but not why their partner is"}, {"start": 228.32, "end": 234.56, "text": "furious. She says, do whatever you want. The translator says, do not move, blink, breathe,"}, {"start": 234.56, "end": 239.92, "text": "order wings, or ask whether this means the argument is over. She says, I'm fine."}, {"start": 239.92, "end": 245.36, "text": "The translator locks every door, deletes your food apps, and plays a recording of your own voice saying,"}, {"start": 245.36, "end": 250.8, "text": "don't make a fucking joke right now. She asks, what are you thinking? You say, nothing. The translator"}, {"start": 250.8, "end": 255.44, "text": "says he is thinking about whether cereal can be soup and why your left boob seems more judge"}, {"start": 255.44, "end": 261.12, "text": "metal tonight. My stoner ex and I tried role play. She dressed as a sexy police officer. I got so"}, {"start": 261.12, "end": 266.48, "text": "high I confessed to shit she hadn't asked about. Where were you Tuesday? I don't know officer but"}, {"start": 266.48, "end": 270.96, "text": "the mozzarella sticks were consensual. She said, put your hands where I can see them."}, {"start": 271.6, "end": 277.36, "text": "I raised one hand. The other was trapped in a family-sized bag of chips fighting for its fucking life."}, {"start": 277.92, "end": 285.04, "text": "Did the chips consent? They knew what this relationship was. The bag clearly stated family size."}, {"start": 285.04, "end": 290.96, "text": "Jesse arrived alone and made it a custody dispute. He didn't get the munchies. He conducted a home"}, {"start": 290.96, "end": 297.84, "text": "invasion on a pantry. At least cannabis made him calm. Calm? I spent 20 minutes whispering to the"}, {"start": 297.84, "end": 303.36, "text": "smoke detector because I thought it was my probation officer. Fake commercial number four, ask"}, {"start": 303.36, "end": 309.68, "text": "gap GPS for the thick X pants or a suggestion for the skinny X pants are an abandoned building. Either"}, {"start": 309.68, "end": 316.16, "text": "way, the crack gets lost. The ask gap GPS gives turn by turn directions in two inches make a sharp"}, {"start": 316.16, "end": 322.8, "text": "left at the thong recalculating recalculating. The thong is entered a restricted area on a thick X"}, {"start": 322.8, "end": 328.0, "text": "that little string disappears like a hiking trail after heavy weather. Search teams go in. Nobody"}, {"start": 328.96, "end": 334.88, "text": "returns. Three days later you receive one final text. Tell my family I died doing what I loved,"}, {"start": 334.88, "end": 341.44, "text": "making a terrible decision near a large ass. On a skinny X the thong has nowhere to hide. It hangs"}, {"start": 341.44, "end": 347.68, "text": "there like dental floss drying between two chopsticks. One ass is a national park. The other is a"}, {"start": 347.68, "end": 355.6, "text": "loading error. Neither has supplied accurate topographical data. Jesse doesn't need GPS. His bad"}, {"start": 355.6, "end": 359.92, "text": "decisions have memorized the route. I think everybody can be beautiful."}, {"start": 360.72, "end": 365.68, "text": "Absolutely. Summer oil paintings, summer stick figures. I have tried to fuck the entire art"}, {"start": 365.68, "end": 371.92, "text": "department. Fake commercial number five cannabis couples emergency date box. Each box contains"}, {"start": 371.92, "end": 377.6, "text": "one edible two frozen pizzas, four condoms, an eliminated card explaining why you should not consume"}, {"start": 377.6, "end": 384.0, "text": "everything in the box in that order. My fictional thick X ate the edible and said she felt nothing."}, {"start": 384.0, "end": 389.84, "text": "Ten minutes later she was apologizing to the couch for sitting on its family. My fictional skinny"}, {"start": 389.84, "end": 394.88, "text": "X took half and spent an hour hiding behind a broom because she thought it was her older brother."}, {"start": 395.68, "end": 402.08, "text": "I ate two and tried to put on a condom. After twenty minutes I realized I was dressing my thumb for a"}, {"start": 402.08, "end": 409.6, "text": "very disappointing night out. My X yelled are we having sex or not? I said we are. I just need to"}, {"start": 409.6, "end": 416.88, "text": "identify which one of these five dicks is mine. She said there is only one. I said then the other"}, {"start": 416.88, "end": 423.2, "text": "four are judging the shit out of me. The box includes performance enhancement gummies. They don't"}, {"start": 423.2, "end": 428.16, "text": "improve your erection. They improve the story you tell your friends about why nothing happened."}, {"start": 428.8, "end": 434.88, "text": "My dick didn't fail. It was too high to consent to management. Your dick didn't get high. It quit"}, {"start": 435.6, "end": 441.28, "text": "without notice. Exit interview, hostile workplace, unrealistic expectations, poor leadership."}, {"start": 441.28, "end": 446.0, "text": "It adapted by becoming an inny. Maybe it needed reassurance."}, {"start": 446.0, "end": 451.6, "text": "I reassured it for forty five minutes. That's not masturbation. That's CPR on a gummy worm."}, {"start": 451.6, "end": 457.76, "text": "Final commercial. X lover body exchange. Tired of arguing whether thicker skinny is better."}, {"start": 457.76, "end": 463.52, "text": "Swap bodies for one fictional weekend and discover the truth. Everybody comes with one horny idiot"}, {"start": 463.52, "end": 469.12, "text": "complaining about it. The thick X wakes up skinny and screams, where did my ass go? It's on back"}, {"start": 469.12, "end": 474.08, "text": "order, baby. Check the tracking number between your shoulder blades. The skinny X wakes up thick and"}, {"start": 474.08, "end": 480.8, "text": "says, I can't see my feet. Welcome to luxury. The downstairs department is now appointment only."}, {"start": 480.8, "end": 488.16, "text": "Then they swap into my body. Both women immediately ask for a refund. One says, why does every joint hurt?"}, {"start": 488.16, "end": 493.44, "text": "The other says, why is the stomach full, but the bank account empty? The representative says,"}, {"start": 493.44, "end": 499.2, "text": "that's the Jesse package. It includes 11 years of driving, a cleaning schedule, six unfinished"}, {"start": 499.2, "end": 504.64, "text": "websites, and a penis that only performs after receiving written assurance. There will be no follow-up"}, {"start": 504.64, "end": 512.08, "text": "questions. My fictional X's finally agree on one thing. Neither one wants to be me. I said,"}, {"start": 512.08, "end": 516.0, "text": "that's hurtful. They said, no, it's the first healthy boundary in the commercial."}, {"start": 516.72, "end": 522.96, "text": "Knock out time, roast everybody. Fine, thick X, your ass entered the relationship six minutes"}, {"start": 522.96, "end": 528.08, "text": "before the rest of you and still had the nerve to ask where I had been. Skinny X, your ass is so flat"}, {"start": 528.08, "end": 534.0, "text": "when I slapped it my hand left a forwarding address. Stoner X, you didn't ghost me, you forgot which room"}, {"start": 534.0, "end": 539.04, "text": "I was in while we were sharing the same blanket. And me, I kept dating the same fucking emergency"}, {"start": 539.04, "end": 543.68, "text": "and different pants because I thought chemistry meant my nervous system should smell smoke."}, {"start": 543.68, "end": 549.28, "text": "Thick, skinny, high sober, it didn't matter. I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for somebody"}, {"start": 549.28, "end": 555.44, "text": "hot enough to make my terrible decisions feel like a personality. That's the real X files dispensary."}, {"start": 555.44, "end": 560.96, "text": "Every jar says the same thing. May cause dry mouth, poor judgment, late night texting, and"}, {"start": 560.96, "end": 567.6, "text": "believing this time the red flag is just festive. So who had the best jokes tonight? Nobody."}, {"start": 567.6, "end": 572.32, "text": "The fat jokes ate the skinny jokes. The skinny jokes slipped through the microphone stand. The"}, {"start": 572.32, "end": 577.68, "text": "stoner jokes forgot the setup and my own fake X's formed a union against my dick. Bring your"}, {"start": 577.68, "end": 582.72, "text": "best joke or we roast your ass. Bring your worst relationship and I'll turn it into a fake commercial."}, {"start": 582.72, "end": 586.88, "text": "Bring weed and snacks and don't trust me with either because I will smoke the premise."}, {"start": 586.88, "end": 592.0, "text": "Eat the punchline and wake up tomorrow beside another shitty idea asking me, so what are we?"}, {"start": 592.0, "end": 595.12, "text": "We're laughs and giggles baby. That's all we have ever fucking been."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy, laughs and giggles. Every ex in this show is fake. Every commercial is fake, and every bad decision is unfortunately wearing my face. Welcome to trailer guy's ex files dispensary, where the weed is imaginary, the women are fictional, and the host is real fucking tired of everybody's shit. I dated thick women. I dated skinny women. Apparently my type is anybody whose red flags can fit inside my blind spot. A thick ex would steal the blankets and leave me one corner. A skinny ex would steal the blankets and somehow the blanket looked lonely with her. Either way, I woke up cold, confused, and apologizing to a mattress. Tonight my four colors are judging the fakes commercials ever made for the fakes X's I never survived. If the joke kills, we sell nothing. If it bombs, we roast the comics ass until their confidence comes with a child proof lid. First commercial, no warm up, hit the wound. I have prepared scoring categories. Set up, misdirection, punchline, tags, and whether Jesse makes another terrible decision while holding a microphone. That last category may exceed the spreadsheet. Can we please remember these are fictional women? Absolutely. Real women had the good sense to block me before the second draft. Fake commercial number one, thick ex emergency meal kit, as your thick fictional ex ever said, I'm not hungry, then eaten half your dinner with the accuracy of a military extraction, introducing the thick ex emergency meal kit. It comes with two entrees, yours and the one she claimed she didn't want until yours developed emotional value. Every kid includes decoy fries, place them near the edge of the table and protect the real fries underneath your tax documents. She may risk cholesterol, but nobody wants to read your deductions. The deluxe kit includes a relationship-sized ranch cup, not for dipping. You throw it down the hallway and run while she investigates the noise. My fake ex said, are you calling me fat? I said, no baby, I'm calling you prepared. If winter traps us in this house, you and the snack drawer are already in a committed relationship. She sat on my face. I didn't see heaven. I saw the terms and conditions I skipped before entering the relationship. That wasn't Conolinguus. That was a mattress recall with facial recognition. Technically Jesse's mouth was occupied for the first time without making the situation worse. He wanted a safe word. His lungs selected whatever noise is still possible. The romantic part is that she trusted him with her body. The terrifying part is that my neck filed for workers' compensation. Fake commercial number two, Skinny X-Waded Blanket. Are you dating a woman so skinny, cuddling feels like sleeping with a folded lawn chair? Try the Skinny X-Waded Blanket. It adds warmth, softness, and enough body mass to stop the ceiling fan from putting her in another zip code. My fake Skinny X got on top during sex. I thought finally danger. Then she shifted sideways and disappeared between the mattress and fitted sheet. I spent 40 minutes calling her name and checking the pillowcases. I found her near the footboard, pissed off, and collecting lint like evidence. She said, you didn't feel me leave? Baby, I thought the room got a draft. The premium blanket comes with pockets. One for her phone, one for snacks, and one for the ass she keeps claiming is coming in. That ass has been coming in longer than a contractor with no deposit. Her booty isn't late, it cancelled the project. There was insufficient material for construction. Her thong is an underwear. It's a rumor with elastic. She still deserves affection. Give her affection. Just use both hands so she doesn't blow under the couch. Fake commercial number three, the Stoner Relationship Translator, for cannabis loving adults who can remember every snack in the house but not why their partner is furious. She says, do whatever you want. The translator says, do not move, blink, breathe, order wings, or ask whether this means the argument is over. She says, I'm fine. The translator locks every door, deletes your food apps, and plays a recording of your own voice saying, don't make a fucking joke right now. She asks, what are you thinking? You say, nothing. The translator says he is thinking about whether cereal can be soup and why your left boob seems more judge metal tonight. My stoner ex and I tried role play. She dressed as a sexy police officer. I got so high I confessed to shit she hadn't asked about. Where were you Tuesday? I don't know officer but the mozzarella sticks were consensual. She said, put your hands where I can see them. I raised one hand. The other was trapped in a family-sized bag of chips fighting for its fucking life. Did the chips consent? They knew what this relationship was. The bag clearly stated family size. Jesse arrived alone and made it a custody dispute. He didn't get the munchies. He conducted a home invasion on a pantry. At least cannabis made him calm. Calm? I spent 20 minutes whispering to the smoke detector because I thought it was my probation officer. Fake commercial number four, ask gap GPS for the thick X pants or a suggestion for the skinny X pants are an abandoned building. Either way, the crack gets lost. The ask gap GPS gives turn by turn directions in two inches make a sharp left at the thong recalculating recalculating. The thong is entered a restricted area on a thick X that little string disappears like a hiking trail after heavy weather. Search teams go in. Nobody returns. Three days later you receive one final text. Tell my family I died doing what I loved, making a terrible decision near a large ass. On a skinny X the thong has nowhere to hide. It hangs there like dental floss drying between two chopsticks. One ass is a national park. The other is a loading error. Neither has supplied accurate topographical data. Jesse doesn't need GPS. His bad decisions have memorized the route. I think everybody can be beautiful. Absolutely. Summer oil paintings, summer stick figures. I have tried to fuck the entire art department. Fake commercial number five cannabis couples emergency date box. Each box contains one edible two frozen pizzas, four condoms, an eliminated card explaining why you should not consume everything in the box in that order. My fictional thick X ate the edible and said she felt nothing. Ten minutes later she was apologizing to the couch for sitting on its family. My fictional skinny X took half and spent an hour hiding behind a broom because she thought it was her older brother. I ate two and tried to put on a condom. After twenty minutes I realized I was dressing my thumb for a very disappointing night out. My X yelled are we having sex or not? I said we are. I just need to identify which one of these five dicks is mine. She said there is only one. I said then the other four are judging the shit out of me. The box includes performance enhancement gummies. They don't improve your erection. They improve the story you tell your friends about why nothing happened. My dick didn't fail. It was too high to consent to management. Your dick didn't get high. It quit without notice. Exit interview, hostile workplace, unrealistic expectations, poor leadership. It adapted by becoming an inny. Maybe it needed reassurance. I reassured it for forty five minutes. That's not masturbation. That's CPR on a gummy worm. Final commercial. X lover body exchange. Tired of arguing whether thicker skinny is better. Swap bodies for one fictional weekend and discover the truth. Everybody comes with one horny idiot complaining about it. The thick X wakes up skinny and screams, where did my ass go? It's on back order, baby. Check the tracking number between your shoulder blades. The skinny X wakes up thick and says, I can't see my feet. Welcome to luxury. The downstairs department is now appointment only. Then they swap into my body. Both women immediately ask for a refund. One says, why does every joint hurt? The other says, why is the stomach full, but the bank account empty? The representative says, that's the Jesse package. It includes 11 years of driving, a cleaning schedule, six unfinished websites, and a penis that only performs after receiving written assurance. There will be no follow-up questions. My fictional X's finally agree on one thing. Neither one wants to be me. I said, that's hurtful. They said, no, it's the first healthy boundary in the commercial. Knock out time, roast everybody. Fine, thick X, your ass entered the relationship six minutes before the rest of you and still had the nerve to ask where I had been. Skinny X, your ass is so flat when I slapped it my hand left a forwarding address. Stoner X, you didn't ghost me, you forgot which room I was in while we were sharing the same blanket. And me, I kept dating the same fucking emergency and different pants because I thought chemistry meant my nervous system should smell smoke. Thick, skinny, high sober, it didn't matter. I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for somebody hot enough to make my terrible decisions feel like a personality. That's the real X files dispensary. Every jar says the same thing. May cause dry mouth, poor judgment, late night texting, and believing this time the red flag is just festive. So who had the best jokes tonight? Nobody. The fat jokes ate the skinny jokes. The skinny jokes slipped through the microphone stand. The stoner jokes forgot the setup and my own fake X's formed a union against my dick. Bring your best joke or we roast your ass. Bring your worst relationship and I'll turn it into a fake commercial. Bring weed and snacks and don't trust me with either because I will smoke the premise. Eat the punchline and wake up tomorrow beside another shitty idea asking me, so what are we? We're laughs and giggles baby. That's all we have ever fucking been.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}