{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04/JESSE_HIGH_EX_PECTATIONS.mp3", "duration_sec": 814.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.0, "text": "This is comedy."}, {"start": 1.0, "end": 3.36, "text": "Lapse and giggles."}, {"start": 3.36, "end": 8.92, "text": "Every ex's fake, every confession is fake, and every erection has been advised by counsel"}, {"start": 8.92, "end": 11.12, "text": "not to answer questions."}, {"start": 11.12, "end": 16.52, "text": "Welcome to Jesse's High Expectations Awards, the only dating awards show where the women"}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.92, "text": "get trophies and I get a restraining order from my own common sense."}, {"start": 20.92, "end": 26.74, "text": "Tonight, four fictional exes compete to prove who survived the dumbest weed smoking boyfriend"}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.0, "text": "in California."}, {"start": 28.0, "end": 33.22, "text": "We have the thick commander, the skinny chaos technician, the cannabis philosopher, and"}, {"start": 33.22, "end": 38.26, "text": "the wellness control freak, four women, four disasters."}, {"start": 38.26, "end": 42.62, "text": "One angry trailer guy asking the question America has avoided."}, {"start": 42.62, "end": 46.38, "text": "How did this horny dipshit keep getting second dates?"}, {"start": 46.38, "end": 49.18, "text": "If their story kills, they win."}, {"start": 49.18, "end": 54.8, "text": "If it bombs, my four colors roast all our asses until the dispensary asks us to leave through"}, {"start": 54.8, "end": 56.74, "text": "the employee exit."}, {"start": 56.74, "end": 59.78, "text": "No sympathy, Jesse gets hit first."}, {"start": 59.78, "end": 65.08, "text": "Scoring categories, set up, misdirection, specificity, tags, and the precise moment Jesse's"}, {"start": 65.08, "end": 68.1, "text": "penis overruled available evidence."}, {"start": 68.1, "end": 71.58, "text": "I predict that moment occurred before introductions."}, {"start": 71.58, "end": 75.18, "text": "Remember, these women are fictional adults with dignity."}, {"start": 75.18, "end": 78.3, "text": "Good, somebody in the story should have some."}, {"start": 78.3, "end": 80.86, "text": "Our first nominee is the thick commander."}, {"start": 80.86, "end": 85.3, "text": "She walked into a room ass first, and by the time the rest of her arrived, my credit score"}, {"start": 85.3, "end": 88.22, "text": "had already agreed to help her move."}, {"start": 88.22, "end": 92.18, "text": "Jesse called me thick like it was an observation."}, {"start": 92.18, "end": 95.74, "text": "Baby, it was a weather warning."}, {"start": 95.74, "end": 100.98, "text": "When I turned around, small objects changed orbit."}, {"start": 100.98, "end": 106.46, "text": "On our first fake date, he brought one edible and a folding chair."}, {"start": 106.46, "end": 110.5, "text": "I said that chair isn't strong enough."}, {"start": 110.5, "end": 118.22, "text": "He smiled and said, neither am I first honest thing the mother fucker ever told me."}, {"start": 118.22, "end": 121.02, "text": "He wanted me to sit on his face."}, {"start": 121.02, "end": 123.62, "text": "I asked if he had insurance."}, {"start": 123.62, "end": 126.06, "text": "He said I have enthusiasm."}, {"start": 126.06, "end": 130.06, "text": "That's what broke men call coverage."}, {"start": 130.06, "end": 134.26, "text": "Halfway through, he tapped my thigh twice."}, {"start": 134.26, "end": 136.9, "text": "I thought it was encouragement."}, {"start": 136.9, "end": 143.62, "text": "Apparently, it was Morse code for tell my family I died underneath premium seating."}, {"start": 143.62, "end": 149.74, "text": "When I got up, his beard had a middle part, and his soul was buffering."}, {"start": 149.74, "end": 150.74, "text": "I wasn't suffocating."}, {"start": 150.74, "end": 154.26, "text": "I was receiving a firmware update through my forehead."}, {"start": 154.26, "end": 157.42, "text": "You looked like a Roomba trapped under a couch cushion."}, {"start": 157.42, "end": 161.58, "text": "His survival plan contained no measurable oxygen."}, {"start": 161.58, "end": 165.34, "text": "He adapted by pretending the weasin was dirty talk."}, {"start": 165.34, "end": 168.14, "text": "Did anyone ask whether Jesse felt safe?"}, {"start": 168.14, "end": 172.54, "text": "He came back the next night wearing a snorkel."}, {"start": 172.54, "end": 174.7, "text": "Preparedness is sexy."}, {"start": 174.7, "end": 179.62, "text": "Not when the snorkel says property of community pool."}, {"start": 179.62, "end": 184.66, "text": "The thick commander wins best use of ass as both transportation and attempted murder."}, {"start": 184.66, "end": 190.42, "text": "And now, a word from our fake sponsor, booty black box, when a relationship crashes, investigators"}, {"start": 190.42, "end": 192.9, "text": "recover the last 30 seconds from the ass."}, {"start": 192.9, "end": 197.4, "text": "The device records everything, impact speed, final position, and the exact moment Jesse"}, {"start": 197.4, "end": 202.54, "text": "whispered, I can handle it despite 12 years of structural evidence saying otherwise."}, {"start": 202.54, "end": 207.62, "text": "booty black box because after a thick woman leaves, nobody believes the furniture's version"}, {"start": 207.62, "end": 209.1, "text": "of events."}, {"start": 209.1, "end": 212.1, "text": "The furniture had splinters."}, {"start": 212.1, "end": 214.58, "text": "Jesse had memories."}, {"start": 214.58, "end": 217.34, "text": "Only one of them learned a lesson."}, {"start": 217.34, "end": 218.34, "text": "Correct."}, {"start": 218.34, "end": 220.1, "text": "The chair now dates skinny women."}, {"start": 220.1, "end": 222.82, "text": "Our second nominee is the skinny chaos technician."}, {"start": 222.82, "end": 227.5, "text": "She weighed less than my emotional baggage and caused twice the property damage."}, {"start": 227.5, "end": 230.02, "text": "Jesse thought I was delicate because I'm skinny."}, {"start": 230.02, "end": 234.66, "text": "Then I opened my mouth and his confidence folded like a lawn chair at a family fight."}, {"start": 234.66, "end": 236.82, "text": "He said, I like petite women."}, {"start": 236.82, "end": 239.9, "text": "I said, I like financially stable men."}, {"start": 239.9, "end": 242.14, "text": "We both agreed to lower our standards."}, {"start": 242.14, "end": 245.78, "text": "The first time we got high, Jesse stared at my body for 10 minutes."}, {"start": 245.78, "end": 247.74, "text": "I said, what are you looking at?"}, {"start": 247.74, "end": 250.7, "text": "He said, I'm waiting for the rest of you to load."}, {"start": 250.7, "end": 254.62, "text": "I took off my bra and he asked whether it came with a return envelope."}, {"start": 254.62, "end": 259.34, "text": "Then he took off his pants and I asked whether his confidence came in a larger size."}, {"start": 259.34, "end": 261.26, "text": "He tried to slap my ass."}, {"start": 261.26, "end": 265.74, "text": "His hand hit bone and made the same sound as a fork falling into an empty sink."}, {"start": 265.74, "end": 267.06, "text": "He said, did that hurt?"}, {"start": 267.06, "end": 269.66, "text": "I said, only your reputation."}, {"start": 269.66, "end": 271.58, "text": "During sex, he told me to hold on."}, {"start": 271.58, "end": 272.58, "text": "To what?"}, {"start": 272.58, "end": 274.94, "text": "His back has fewer handles than my ass."}, {"start": 274.94, "end": 278.7, "text": "I grabbed one of his unfinished business plans and prayed the bullet points were load"}, {"start": 278.7, "end": 280.02, "text": "bearing."}, {"start": 280.02, "end": 281.02, "text": "They weren't."}, {"start": 281.02, "end": 284.42, "text": "The business plan and erection collapsed in the same quarter."}, {"start": 284.42, "end": 286.22, "text": "Your dick didn't lose momentum."}, {"start": 286.22, "end": 289.3, "text": "It saw her ribs and thought the gate was closed."}, {"start": 289.3, "end": 295.18, "text": "The project failed due to inadequate planning and one unsupported claim of scalability."}, {"start": 295.18, "end": 299.46, "text": "Jesse pivoted from intercourse to explaining the website."}, {"start": 299.46, "end": 302.9, "text": "Nothing drives a woman faster than a product roadmap."}, {"start": 302.9, "end": 306.9, "text": "That is why I now keep foreplay and PowerPoint in separate folders."}, {"start": 306.9, "end": 310.78, "text": "Fake sponsor number two, the petite partner tracking tile."}, {"start": 310.78, "end": 313.58, "text": "Attach it to your skinny ex before pulling up the blanket."}, {"start": 313.58, "end": 318.82, "text": "If she slips into the mattress seam, your phone says woman located three inches away, emotionally"}, {"start": 318.82, "end": 321.1, "text": "unavailable under fitted sheet."}, {"start": 321.1, "end": 323.18, "text": "Premium mode detects missing ass."}, {"start": 323.18, "end": 324.5, "text": "It does not find one."}, {"start": 324.5, "end": 327.78, "text": "It simply displays feature not installed."}, {"start": 327.78, "end": 329.78, "text": "Jesse needs the tracking tile."}, {"start": 329.78, "end": 333.74, "text": "His dick gets lost traveling from confidence to performance."}, {"start": 333.74, "end": 336.22, "text": "That root has construction."}, {"start": 336.22, "end": 338.26, "text": "Construction requires workers."}, {"start": 338.26, "end": 343.98, "text": "The skinny chaos technician wins best verbal murder committed with no detectable bodyweight."}, {"start": 343.98, "end": 346.9, "text": "Our third nominee is the cannabis philosopher."}, {"start": 346.9, "end": 350.02, "text": "She could smoke one joint and discover the meaning of life."}, {"start": 350.02, "end": 354.14, "text": "Then forget where she left the meaning because she put it inside the freezer beside my"}, {"start": 354.14, "end": 355.46, "text": "car keys."}, {"start": 355.46, "end": 358.9, "text": "Jesse and I got high before a fake romantic dinner."}, {"start": 358.9, "end": 360.18, "text": "He lit candles."}, {"start": 360.18, "end": 361.86, "text": "I ordered food."}, {"start": 361.86, "end": 367.5, "text": "Forty minutes later we realized the candles were birthday candles stuck in frozen burritos."}, {"start": 367.5, "end": 368.82, "text": "He said it was intimate."}, {"start": 368.82, "end": 371.58, "text": "I said the burrito was still harder than he was."}, {"start": 371.58, "end": 374.62, "text": "We took an edible marked start with half."}, {"start": 374.62, "end": 378.1, "text": "Jesse ate two because fractions make him feel criticized."}, {"start": 378.1, "end": 381.86, "text": "Twenty minutes later he asked why the lamp was staring at him."}, {"start": 381.86, "end": 386.78, "text": "I said because you promised to finish the bedroom and bought another computer instead."}, {"start": 386.78, "end": 388.7, "text": "Even the lamp knew his pattern."}, {"start": 388.7, "end": 391.06, "text": "He got horny and tried to put on a condom."}, {"start": 391.06, "end": 394.5, "text": "He unwrapped it, stared at it, and whispered, how does it know?"}, {"start": 394.5, "end": 395.5, "text": "I asked."}, {"start": 395.5, "end": 396.5, "text": "Know what?"}, {"start": 396.5, "end": 399.7, "text": "He said that I'm about to disappoint both of you."}, {"start": 399.7, "end": 404.86, "text": "Then he put it on backward, forward, backward again, and finally over the television remote."}, {"start": 404.86, "end": 408.9, "text": "We spent the rest of the night changing channels with safe sex."}, {"start": 408.9, "end": 414.38, "text": "That remote never caught anything except poor reception and one documentary about failure."}, {"start": 414.38, "end": 418.62, "text": "At three in the morning Jesse said, do you think our souls chose each other before birth"}, {"start": 418.62, "end": 423.14, "text": "I said no, I think Door Dash sent the wrong man."}, {"start": 423.14, "end": 427.02, "text": "He wasn't your soulmate, he was an unattended delivery."}, {"start": 427.02, "end": 431.22, "text": "Order status delayed confused, tip already regretted."}, {"start": 431.22, "end": 435.66, "text": "He adapted by eating her fries and calling it shared consciousness."}, {"start": 435.66, "end": 438.06, "text": "Did the evening have one loving moment?"}, {"start": 438.06, "end": 443.02, "text": "Yes, he tucked the pizza into bed and told it, you never judge me."}, {"start": 443.02, "end": 444.82, "text": "It was warm, round and available."}, {"start": 444.82, "end": 446.34, "text": "I had a type."}, {"start": 446.34, "end": 452.04, "text": "Like sponsor number three, weed head relationship subtitles, special glasses translate every"}, {"start": 452.04, "end": 454.5, "text": "high thought before it escapes your mouth."}, {"start": 454.5, "end": 458.42, "text": "I feel connected to you, becomes I cannot feel my legs."}, {"start": 458.42, "end": 462.7, "text": "You look beautiful tonight, becomes your face is moving slower than the ceiling."}, {"start": 462.7, "end": 467.22, "text": "Let's try something kinky, becomes I have lost the condom and gain temporary respect for"}, {"start": 467.22, "end": 468.62, "text": "the smoke detector."}, {"start": 468.62, "end": 473.7, "text": "And I love you, becomes the edible has filed paperwork neither of us should sign."}, {"start": 473.7, "end": 476.66, "text": "Jesse once proposed to a bean bag chair."}, {"start": 476.66, "end": 478.1, "text": "It supported me."}, {"start": 478.1, "end": 481.14, "text": "It was full of crumbs and collapsed under pressure."}, {"start": 481.14, "end": 483.18, "text": "Again, I had a type."}, {"start": 483.18, "end": 488.98, "text": "The cannabis philosopher wins best performance by an adult who forgot the contest was happening."}, {"start": 488.98, "end": 491.58, "text": "Our final nominee is the wellness control freak."}, {"start": 491.58, "end": 496.02, "text": "She meditated every morning, drank herbal tea and could call me a useless piece of shit"}, {"start": 496.02, "end": 498.06, "text": "without raising her heart rate."}, {"start": 498.06, "end": 501.26, "text": "I told Jesse I wanted a conscious relationship."}, {"start": 501.26, "end": 504.14, "text": "He heard unconscious and ate another gummy."}, {"start": 504.14, "end": 506.1, "text": "I built us a safe space."}, {"start": 506.1, "end": 511.26, "text": "He filled it with extension cords, unopened mail and one air fryer he swore was part of"}, {"start": 511.26, "end": 512.78, "text": "his healing journey."}, {"start": 512.78, "end": 515.94, "text": "Every morning I asked him to name three things he was grateful for."}, {"start": 515.94, "end": 519.74, "text": "He said weed, sex and whoever invented sweatpants."}, {"start": 519.74, "end": 521.54, "text": "I said go deeper."}, {"start": 521.54, "end": 525.9, "text": "He took off the sweatpants, that was not deeper, that was a visual set back."}, {"start": 525.9, "end": 529.98, "text": "He wanted tantric sex because he heard it could last for hours."}, {"start": 529.98, "end": 534.98, "text": "Jesse cannot keep a browser tab open for four minutes without starting another business."}, {"start": 534.98, "end": 537.38, "text": "His dick has the same management style."}, {"start": 537.38, "end": 542.3, "text": "I lit incense, played soft music and told him to breathe into his pelvis."}, {"start": 542.3, "end": 545.3, "text": "He farted and said my pelvis answered."}, {"start": 545.3, "end": 547.34, "text": "I tried to align his chakras."}, {"start": 547.34, "end": 551.94, "text": "They filed a group complaint and asked to be transferred to a more mature body."}, {"start": 551.94, "end": 553.26, "text": "My root chakra is fine."}, {"start": 553.26, "end": 555.3, "text": "It just has seasonal hours."}, {"start": 555.3, "end": 558.54, "text": "Your root chakra is a closed mall kiosk."}, {"start": 558.54, "end": 563.46, "text": "In occupancy zero, previous tenant left no forwarding address."}, {"start": 563.46, "end": 568.02, "text": "Jesse renamed a rectal dysfunction, energy conservation."}, {"start": 568.02, "end": 570.86, "text": "Maybe his body was asking for patience."}, {"start": 570.86, "end": 573.06, "text": "His body was asking for pizza."}, {"start": 573.06, "end": 576.22, "text": "His penis was asking for a second opinion."}, {"start": 576.22, "end": 581.1, "text": "Fake sponsor number four, Namaste the fuck away from me meditation app."}, {"start": 581.1, "end": 584.34, "text": "Designed for adults dating someone who weaponizes serenity."}, {"start": 584.34, "end": 588.74, "text": "Just from calming sessions like breathe through his bullshit, your boundary is not a group"}, {"start": 588.74, "end": 592.18, "text": "project and he is not emotionally unavailable."}, {"start": 592.18, "end": 595.06, "text": "He is just high in the garage."}, {"start": 595.06, "end": 597.98, "text": "Premium subscribers unlocked the emergency mantra."}, {"start": 597.98, "end": 599.3, "text": "I cannot fix him."}, {"start": 599.3, "end": 600.62, "text": "I cannot save him."}, {"start": 600.62, "end": 606.26, "text": "I can however change the wifi password and watch the motherfucker discover accountability."}, {"start": 606.26, "end": 609.18, "text": "Jesse called my boundaries controlling."}, {"start": 609.18, "end": 612.94, "text": "Your boundaries had business hours and a cancellation fee."}, {"start": 612.94, "end": 618.54, "text": "As you arrived late, high and carrying half a burrito like it was emotional currency."}, {"start": 618.54, "end": 620.06, "text": "It was the good half."}, {"start": 620.06, "end": 622.34, "text": "You had already eaten the good half."}, {"start": 622.34, "end": 626.74, "text": "The wellness control freak wins best peaceful assassination of a man who thought incense"}, {"start": 626.74, "end": 629.1, "text": "counted as personal growth."}, {"start": 629.1, "end": 632.94, "text": "Final round, Jesse must confess why he dated all four."}, {"start": 632.94, "end": 636.54, "text": "No metaphors until the truth is established."}, {"start": 636.54, "end": 640.58, "text": "Then misdirect and let the truth hurt before the dirty line."}, {"start": 640.98, "end": 645.34, "text": "Fine, I dated the thick commander because being terrified felt close enough to being"}, {"start": 645.34, "end": 646.34, "text": "wanted."}, {"start": 646.34, "end": 650.42, "text": "I dated the skinny chaos technician because I thought a small body meant a small amount"}, {"start": 650.42, "end": 651.42, "text": "of trouble."}, {"start": 651.42, "end": 654.58, "text": "That's like calling cocaine travel-sized confidence."}, {"start": 654.58, "end": 659.38, "text": "I dated the cannabis philosopher because we could turn one bad decision into a six hour"}, {"start": 659.38, "end": 662.22, "text": "documentary narrated by the refrigerator."}, {"start": 662.22, "end": 666.94, "text": "I dated the wellness control freak because she said she could heal me and I was horny enough"}, {"start": 666.94, "end": 669.42, "text": "to mistake a warning for a warranty."}, {"start": 669.42, "end": 672.82, "text": "The truth is none of these fictional women were my problem."}, {"start": 672.82, "end": 677.54, "text": "I kept shopping for love like a man buying weed from a stranger in a parking lot."}, {"start": 677.54, "end": 683.34, "text": "No label, no receipt, no idea what was inside, then shocked when I woke up sweating beside"}, {"start": 683.34, "end": 686.1, "text": "a folding chair and calling it baby."}, {"start": 686.1, "end": 687.86, "text": "Now roast them."}, {"start": 687.86, "end": 692.22, "text": "Thick commander your ass needs turn signals in a backup camera but I still followed it into"}, {"start": 692.22, "end": 694.18, "text": "traffic without insurance."}, {"start": 694.18, "end": 699.38, "text": "Skinny chaos, your ass was so flat our relationship had nowhere to land but I kept circling"}, {"start": 699.5, "end": 702.74, "text": "like a horny airport with no runway."}, {"start": 702.74, "end": 707.5, "text": "Cannabis philosopher you got so high you forgot my birthday then remembered a birthday for"}, {"start": 707.5, "end": 709.38, "text": "someone named Kevin."}, {"start": 709.38, "end": 710.74, "text": "Neither of us knew Kevin."}, {"start": 710.74, "end": 712.66, "text": "We bought him a cake anyway."}, {"start": 712.66, "end": 717.38, "text": "Wellness control freak you cleanse the apartment of negative energy and accidentally removed"}, {"start": 717.38, "end": 723.74, "text": "everything I owned best fucking cleaning service I ever dated but I lose I always lose"}, {"start": 723.74, "end": 727.74, "text": "because every time a beautiful disaster said this is a bad idea."}, {"start": 727.74, "end": 733.38, "text": "My penis stood up like an idiot at a town hall and yelled I have not heard enough evidence."}, {"start": 733.38, "end": 738.42, "text": "That dick isn't a sex organ it's a public defender for terrible choices it objects to"}, {"start": 738.42, "end": 744.42, "text": "facts it cross examines red flags it presents one piece of evidence your honor she has an"}, {"start": 744.42, "end": 751.06, "text": "ass and the judge also me bangs the gavel and says case dismissed take off your pants."}, {"start": 751.06, "end": 755.86, "text": "Then three months later I'm outside in sweatpants holding an air fryer half a burrito and a"}, {"start": 755.86, "end": 763.1, "text": "condom covered remote asking how love betrayed me again love didn't betray me love left 12"}, {"start": 763.1, "end": 768.74, "text": "voicemails I was too high too horny and explaining my new website to a bean bag chair."}, {"start": 768.74, "end": 773.98, "text": "So tonight's winner is every fake ex who escaped before I turned her trauma into a subscription"}, {"start": 773.98, "end": 774.98, "text": "plan."}, {"start": 774.98, "end": 780.7, "text": "The loser is Jesse thick ex survivor skinny ex search party cannabis philosophers designated"}, {"start": 780.7, "end": 785.7, "text": "snack and the only man who can turn tantric sex into a technical support ticket bring"}, {"start": 785.7, "end": 790.34, "text": "your best jokes or we roast your ass bring your worst relationship and we put it under"}, {"start": 790.34, "end": 795.3, "text": "stage lights bring your weed and I will hide it somewhere safe then spend six hours accusing"}, {"start": 795.3, "end": 800.86, "text": "the smoke detector of theft these were fake stories the commercials were fake the humiliation"}, {"start": 800.86, "end": 806.54, "text": "was handcrafted from premium bad judgment I'm trailer guy Jesse my standards are high my"}, {"start": 806.54, "end": 810.86, "text": "fictional exes are higher and my dick remains the dumbest mother fucker in the writer's"}, {"start": 810.86, "end": 814.14, "text": "room good night you beautiful damaged weed heads"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy. Lapse and giggles. Every ex's fake, every confession is fake, and every erection has been advised by counsel not to answer questions. Welcome to Jesse's High Expectations Awards, the only dating awards show where the women get trophies and I get a restraining order from my own common sense. Tonight, four fictional exes compete to prove who survived the dumbest weed smoking boyfriend in California. We have the thick commander, the skinny chaos technician, the cannabis philosopher, and the wellness control freak, four women, four disasters. One angry trailer guy asking the question America has avoided. How did this horny dipshit keep getting second dates? If their story kills, they win. If it bombs, my four colors roast all our asses until the dispensary asks us to leave through the employee exit. No sympathy, Jesse gets hit first. Scoring categories, set up, misdirection, specificity, tags, and the precise moment Jesse's penis overruled available evidence. I predict that moment occurred before introductions. Remember, these women are fictional adults with dignity. Good, somebody in the story should have some. Our first nominee is the thick commander. She walked into a room ass first, and by the time the rest of her arrived, my credit score had already agreed to help her move. Jesse called me thick like it was an observation. Baby, it was a weather warning. When I turned around, small objects changed orbit. On our first fake date, he brought one edible and a folding chair. I said that chair isn't strong enough. He smiled and said, neither am I first honest thing the mother fucker ever told me. He wanted me to sit on his face. I asked if he had insurance. He said I have enthusiasm. That's what broke men call coverage. Halfway through, he tapped my thigh twice. I thought it was encouragement. Apparently, it was Morse code for tell my family I died underneath premium seating. When I got up, his beard had a middle part, and his soul was buffering. I wasn't suffocating. I was receiving a firmware update through my forehead. You looked like a Roomba trapped under a couch cushion. His survival plan contained no measurable oxygen. He adapted by pretending the weasin was dirty talk. Did anyone ask whether Jesse felt safe? He came back the next night wearing a snorkel. Preparedness is sexy. Not when the snorkel says property of community pool. The thick commander wins best use of ass as both transportation and attempted murder. And now, a word from our fake sponsor, booty black box, when a relationship crashes, investigators recover the last 30 seconds from the ass. The device records everything, impact speed, final position, and the exact moment Jesse whispered, I can handle it despite 12 years of structural evidence saying otherwise. booty black box because after a thick woman leaves, nobody believes the furniture's version of events. The furniture had splinters. Jesse had memories. Only one of them learned a lesson. Correct. The chair now dates skinny women. Our second nominee is the skinny chaos technician. She weighed less than my emotional baggage and caused twice the property damage. Jesse thought I was delicate because I'm skinny. Then I opened my mouth and his confidence folded like a lawn chair at a family fight. He said, I like petite women. I said, I like financially stable men. We both agreed to lower our standards. The first time we got high, Jesse stared at my body for 10 minutes. I said, what are you looking at? He said, I'm waiting for the rest of you to load. I took off my bra and he asked whether it came with a return envelope. Then he took off his pants and I asked whether his confidence came in a larger size. He tried to slap my ass. His hand hit bone and made the same sound as a fork falling into an empty sink. He said, did that hurt? I said, only your reputation. During sex, he told me to hold on. To what? His back has fewer handles than my ass. I grabbed one of his unfinished business plans and prayed the bullet points were load bearing. They weren't. The business plan and erection collapsed in the same quarter. Your dick didn't lose momentum. It saw her ribs and thought the gate was closed. The project failed due to inadequate planning and one unsupported claim of scalability. Jesse pivoted from intercourse to explaining the website. Nothing drives a woman faster than a product roadmap. That is why I now keep foreplay and PowerPoint in separate folders. Fake sponsor number two, the petite partner tracking tile. Attach it to your skinny ex before pulling up the blanket. If she slips into the mattress seam, your phone says woman located three inches away, emotionally unavailable under fitted sheet. Premium mode detects missing ass. It does not find one. It simply displays feature not installed. Jesse needs the tracking tile. His dick gets lost traveling from confidence to performance. That root has construction. Construction requires workers. The skinny chaos technician wins best verbal murder committed with no detectable bodyweight. Our third nominee is the cannabis philosopher. She could smoke one joint and discover the meaning of life. Then forget where she left the meaning because she put it inside the freezer beside my car keys. Jesse and I got high before a fake romantic dinner. He lit candles. I ordered food. Forty minutes later we realized the candles were birthday candles stuck in frozen burritos. He said it was intimate. I said the burrito was still harder than he was. We took an edible marked start with half. Jesse ate two because fractions make him feel criticized. Twenty minutes later he asked why the lamp was staring at him. I said because you promised to finish the bedroom and bought another computer instead. Even the lamp knew his pattern. He got horny and tried to put on a condom. He unwrapped it, stared at it, and whispered, how does it know? I asked. Know what? He said that I'm about to disappoint both of you. Then he put it on backward, forward, backward again, and finally over the television remote. We spent the rest of the night changing channels with safe sex. That remote never caught anything except poor reception and one documentary about failure. At three in the morning Jesse said, do you think our souls chose each other before birth I said no, I think Door Dash sent the wrong man. He wasn't your soulmate, he was an unattended delivery. Order status delayed confused, tip already regretted. He adapted by eating her fries and calling it shared consciousness. Did the evening have one loving moment? Yes, he tucked the pizza into bed and told it, you never judge me. It was warm, round and available. I had a type. Like sponsor number three, weed head relationship subtitles, special glasses translate every high thought before it escapes your mouth. I feel connected to you, becomes I cannot feel my legs. You look beautiful tonight, becomes your face is moving slower than the ceiling. Let's try something kinky, becomes I have lost the condom and gain temporary respect for the smoke detector. And I love you, becomes the edible has filed paperwork neither of us should sign. Jesse once proposed to a bean bag chair. It supported me. It was full of crumbs and collapsed under pressure. Again, I had a type. The cannabis philosopher wins best performance by an adult who forgot the contest was happening. Our final nominee is the wellness control freak. She meditated every morning, drank herbal tea and could call me a useless piece of shit without raising her heart rate. I told Jesse I wanted a conscious relationship. He heard unconscious and ate another gummy. I built us a safe space. He filled it with extension cords, unopened mail and one air fryer he swore was part of his healing journey. Every morning I asked him to name three things he was grateful for. He said weed, sex and whoever invented sweatpants. I said go deeper. He took off the sweatpants, that was not deeper, that was a visual set back. He wanted tantric sex because he heard it could last for hours. Jesse cannot keep a browser tab open for four minutes without starting another business. His dick has the same management style. I lit incense, played soft music and told him to breathe into his pelvis. He farted and said my pelvis answered. I tried to align his chakras. They filed a group complaint and asked to be transferred to a more mature body. My root chakra is fine. It just has seasonal hours. Your root chakra is a closed mall kiosk. In occupancy zero, previous tenant left no forwarding address. Jesse renamed a rectal dysfunction, energy conservation. Maybe his body was asking for patience. His body was asking for pizza. His penis was asking for a second opinion. Fake sponsor number four, Namaste the fuck away from me meditation app. Designed for adults dating someone who weaponizes serenity. Just from calming sessions like breathe through his bullshit, your boundary is not a group project and he is not emotionally unavailable. He is just high in the garage. Premium subscribers unlocked the emergency mantra. I cannot fix him. I cannot save him. I can however change the wifi password and watch the motherfucker discover accountability. Jesse called my boundaries controlling. Your boundaries had business hours and a cancellation fee. As you arrived late, high and carrying half a burrito like it was emotional currency. It was the good half. You had already eaten the good half. The wellness control freak wins best peaceful assassination of a man who thought incense counted as personal growth. Final round, Jesse must confess why he dated all four. No metaphors until the truth is established. Then misdirect and let the truth hurt before the dirty line. Fine, I dated the thick commander because being terrified felt close enough to being wanted. I dated the skinny chaos technician because I thought a small body meant a small amount of trouble. That's like calling cocaine travel-sized confidence. I dated the cannabis philosopher because we could turn one bad decision into a six hour documentary narrated by the refrigerator. I dated the wellness control freak because she said she could heal me and I was horny enough to mistake a warning for a warranty. The truth is none of these fictional women were my problem. I kept shopping for love like a man buying weed from a stranger in a parking lot. No label, no receipt, no idea what was inside, then shocked when I woke up sweating beside a folding chair and calling it baby. Now roast them. Thick commander your ass needs turn signals in a backup camera but I still followed it into traffic without insurance. Skinny chaos, your ass was so flat our relationship had nowhere to land but I kept circling like a horny airport with no runway. Cannabis philosopher you got so high you forgot my birthday then remembered a birthday for someone named Kevin. Neither of us knew Kevin. We bought him a cake anyway. Wellness control freak you cleanse the apartment of negative energy and accidentally removed everything I owned best fucking cleaning service I ever dated but I lose I always lose because every time a beautiful disaster said this is a bad idea. My penis stood up like an idiot at a town hall and yelled I have not heard enough evidence. That dick isn't a sex organ it's a public defender for terrible choices it objects to facts it cross examines red flags it presents one piece of evidence your honor she has an ass and the judge also me bangs the gavel and says case dismissed take off your pants. Then three months later I'm outside in sweatpants holding an air fryer half a burrito and a condom covered remote asking how love betrayed me again love didn't betray me love left 12 voicemails I was too high too horny and explaining my new website to a bean bag chair. So tonight's winner is every fake ex who escaped before I turned her trauma into a subscription plan. The loser is Jesse thick ex survivor skinny ex search party cannabis philosophers designated snack and the only man who can turn tantric sex into a technical support ticket bring your best jokes or we roast your ass bring your worst relationship and we put it under stage lights bring your weed and I will hide it somewhere safe then spend six hours accusing the smoke detector of theft these were fake stories the commercials were fake the humiliation was handcrafted from premium bad judgment I'm trailer guy Jesse my standards are high my fictional exes are higher and my dick remains the dumbest mother fucker in the writer's room good night you beautiful damaged weed heads\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}