{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04/Four-Colors-Find-A-Wife-TRAILER-GUY.mp3", "duration_sec": 352.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.28, "text": "Everything you're about to hear is fictional adult comedy."}, {"start": 3.28, "end": 7.04, "text": "The characters and stories are exaggerated for entertainment."}, {"start": 7.04, "end": 14.28, "text": "Jesse took the four-colors quiz to find a wife because apparently choosing women with his dick had produced enough customer complaints."}, {"start": 14.28, "end": 23.4, "text": "Introducing four-colors wife-finder, the only dating system that matches your personality with the exact woman qualified to repossess your piece."}, {"start": 23.4, "end": 24.88, "text": "Commercial one."}, {"start": 24.88, "end": 26.08, "text": "Red Protector."}, {"start": 26.08, "end": 28.16, "text": "Till debt do us part."}, {"start": 28.4, "end": 32.24, "text": "Are you a red protector looking for a strong woman who knows what she wants?"}, {"start": 32.24, "end": 33.44, "text": "Meet Brenda."}, {"start": 33.44, "end": 38.96, "text": "Brenda wants honesty, commitment, and the password to every account you forgot you had."}, {"start": 38.96, "end": 41.68, "text": "On your first date she protects your heart."}, {"start": 41.68, "end": 47.36, "text": "On your second she protects your phone from other women by dropping it into a fucking deep fryer."}, {"start": 47.36, "end": 54.4, "text": "By date three she's screaming your wedding vows through a bullhorn while her cousin zip ties you to a rented mechanical bull."}, {"start": 54.4, "end": 57.2, "text": "Jesse said, I'm not ready for marriage."}, {"start": 57.2, "end": 61.68, "text": "Brenda said, neither is the paperwork but your signature looks easy."}, {"start": 61.68, "end": 63.36, "text": "She doesn't wear lingerie."}, {"start": 63.36, "end": 67.28, "text": "She wears a reflective safety vest that says, property recovery."}, {"start": 67.28, "end": 70.4, "text": "In bed she whispers, who owns this ass?"}, {"start": 70.4, "end": 72.32, "text": "Jesse says, you do."}, {"start": 72.32, "end": 74.0, "text": "She says, correct."}, {"start": 74.0, "end": 75.68, "text": "Your truck is next."}, {"start": 75.68, "end": 77.6, "text": "Red Protector wife-finder."}, {"start": 77.6, "end": 83.76, "text": "Because nothing says everlasting love like waking up married, audited, and missing a transmission."}, {"start": 83.76, "end": 85.04, "text": "Commercial too."}, {"start": 85.04, "end": 86.08, "text": "Green thinker."}, {"start": 86.08, "end": 87.92, "text": "Pre-nup with benefits."}, {"start": 87.92, "end": 93.6, "text": "Are you a green thinker who analyzes every relationship until the erection files for unemployment?"}, {"start": 93.6, "end": 95.36, "text": "Meet Dr. Spreadsheet."}, {"start": 95.36, "end": 103.04, "text": "She arrives at dinner with a laptop, two calculators, and a 12-page sexual performance review Jesse did not know he had completed."}, {"start": 103.04, "end": 108.0, "text": "She says, according to the data, you finish every argument in 30 seconds."}, {"start": 108.0, "end": 111.04, "text": "Jesse smiles and says, I'm efficient."}, {"start": 111.04, "end": 112.96, "text": "She turns the laptop around."}, {"start": 112.96, "end": 114.64, "text": "That wasn't the argument."}, {"start": 114.64, "end": 118.88, "text": "Before kissing, she requests three references and a recent emissions test."}, {"start": 118.88, "end": 125.84, "text": "Before sex, she makes Jesse sign a pre-nup protecting her house, retirement, air fryer, cannabis rewards points,"}, {"start": 125.84, "end": 127.36, "text": "and the good side of the mattress."}, {"start": 127.36, "end": 129.84, "text": "Jesse asks, what do I keep?"}, {"start": 129.84, "end": 132.96, "text": "She says, the memory of being selected."}, {"start": 132.96, "end": 135.52, "text": "Her safe word is liquidity."}, {"start": 135.52, "end": 141.04, "text": "Jesse's is, please stop showing me compound interest while I'm naked."}, {"start": 141.12, "end": 143.12, "text": "Green thinker wife finder."}, {"start": 143.12, "end": 144.64, "text": "She won't break your heart."}, {"start": 144.64, "end": 150.16, "text": "She'll itemize the depreciation and email you a fucking PDF."}, {"start": 150.16, "end": 151.52, "text": "Commercial three."}, {"start": 151.52, "end": 152.72, "text": "Yellow hugger."}, {"start": 152.72, "end": 155.84, "text": "The wife who loves too much."}, {"start": 155.84, "end": 163.12, "text": "Are you a yellow hugger who needs affection, warmth, and somebody legally prohibited from giving you personal space?"}, {"start": 163.12, "end": 164.8, "text": "Meet Tammy Cuddles."}, {"start": 164.8, "end": 167.6, "text": "She says, I love hard."}, {"start": 167.6, "end": 169.76, "text": "Jesse thinks that means passion."}, {"start": 169.76, "end": 176.32, "text": "It means she has already tattooed his face on a pregnancy pillow and named it Back Up Jesse."}, {"start": 176.32, "end": 182.4, "text": "She comes over for one night carrying fuzzy pajamas, 17 snacks, a toothbrush,"}, {"start": 182.4, "end": 186.0, "text": "and a moving van idling with the headlights off."}, {"start": 186.0, "end": 191.68, "text": "After one edible, Tammy whispers, I can feel our soul's merging."}, {"start": 191.68, "end": 194.32, "text": "Jesse says, that's beautiful."}, {"start": 194.32, "end": 198.64, "text": "Tammy says, also, I forwarded my mail."}, {"start": 198.64, "end": 201.76, "text": "In bed, she asks Jesse to hold her tighter."}, {"start": 201.76, "end": 202.88, "text": "He does."}, {"start": 202.88, "end": 205.52, "text": "She says, tighter."}, {"start": 205.52, "end": 211.2, "text": "He pulls a hamstring, loses feeling in two fingers and whispers, is this love."}, {"start": 211.2, "end": 216.24, "text": "She says, no asshole, you're helping me put on compression socks."}, {"start": 216.24, "end": 218.08, "text": "Yellow hugger wife finder."}, {"start": 218.08, "end": 219.52, "text": "She won't leave you lonely."}, {"start": 219.52, "end": 221.24, "text": "She won't leave you at all."}, {"start": 221.24, "end": 226.2, "text": "Your bathroom now has decorative towels you're not allowed to touch and a fucking witness who calls"}, {"start": 226.2, "end": 228.32, "text": "her mom."}, {"start": 228.4, "end": 232.64, "text": "Commercial four, blue chameleon, build a wife."}, {"start": 232.64, "end": 236.8, "text": "Are you a blue chameleon who changes personality for every woman you meet?"}, {"start": 236.8, "end": 241.48, "text": "Try build a wife, the dating app that studies your preferences and becomes everything you"}, {"start": 241.48, "end": 245.2, "text": "ever wanted until the free trial expires."}, {"start": 245.2, "end": 250.56, "text": "Jesse selects adventurous, seductive, cannabis friendly, financially independent, and doesn't"}, {"start": 250.56, "end": 252.0, "text": "mind dogs."}, {"start": 252.0, "end": 253.84, "text": "The app sends Vanessa."}, {"start": 253.84, "end": 256.16, "text": "At dinner she loves photography."}, {"start": 256.16, "end": 258.72, "text": "At the dispensary she loves edibles."}, {"start": 258.72, "end": 261.96, "text": "At Jesse's house she loves his dog more than him."}, {"start": 261.96, "end": 267.2, "text": "By midnight Vanessa has copied his personality, stolen his side of the bed, and convinced the"}, {"start": 267.2, "end": 271.16, "text": "dog that Jesse is an Uber eats driver, Jesse whispers."}, {"start": 271.16, "end": 274.0, "text": "You said you wanted to try something kinky."}, {"start": 274.0, "end": 276.88, "text": "Vanessa pulls out noise cancelling headphones."}, {"start": 276.88, "end": 281.72, "text": "I want to experience silence while you explain another business idea."}, {"start": 281.72, "end": 287.96, "text": "When she shapeshifts into Jesse's perfect wife, supportive, patient, sexy, and completely"}, {"start": 287.96, "end": 295.36, "text": "imaginary, the app sends a notification, upgrade to premium to keep her interested."}, {"start": 295.36, "end": 300.8, "text": "Jesse checks the price and says, can I switch back to loneliness?"}, {"start": 300.8, "end": 303.0, "text": "Blue chameleon wife finder."}, {"start": 303.0, "end": 308.4, "text": "She becomes your dream woman, then adapts to somebody with dental insurance."}, {"start": 308.4, "end": 314.64, "text": "Your color's wife finder uses advanced romantic science to answer one important question."}, {"start": 314.64, "end": 317.56, "text": "What kind of woman should Jesse marry?"}, {"start": 317.56, "end": 320.52, "text": "Red protects him by taking his keys."}, {"start": 320.52, "end": 323.8, "text": "Green analyzes why he never should have had them."}, {"start": 323.8, "end": 326.84, "text": "Yellow hugs him until the circulation stops."}, {"start": 326.84, "end": 331.44, "text": "Blue becomes whatever he wants, then updates or preferences."}, {"start": 331.44, "end": 334.32, "text": "Take the four colors quiz today."}, {"start": 334.32, "end": 339.76, "text": "For your perfect wife, lose your password, half the mattress, and the right to use your"}, {"start": 339.76, "end": 342.52, "text": "own fucking air fryer."}, {"start": 342.52, "end": 344.4, "text": "Four colors wife finder."}, {"start": 344.4, "end": 346.52, "text": "We don't promise true love."}, {"start": 346.52, "end": 352.0, "text": "We promise Jesse will ignore the results and choose whichever woman says, I brought weed."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverything you're about to hear is fictional adult comedy. The characters and stories are exaggerated for entertainment. Jesse took the four-colors quiz to find a wife because apparently choosing women with his dick had produced enough customer complaints. Introducing four-colors wife-finder, the only dating system that matches your personality with the exact woman qualified to repossess your piece. Commercial one. Red Protector. Till debt do us part. Are you a red protector looking for a strong woman who knows what she wants? Meet Brenda. Brenda wants honesty, commitment, and the password to every account you forgot you had. On your first date she protects your heart. On your second she protects your phone from other women by dropping it into a fucking deep fryer. By date three she's screaming your wedding vows through a bullhorn while her cousin zip ties you to a rented mechanical bull. Jesse said, I'm not ready for marriage. Brenda said, neither is the paperwork but your signature looks easy. She doesn't wear lingerie. She wears a reflective safety vest that says, property recovery. In bed she whispers, who owns this ass? Jesse says, you do. She says, correct. Your truck is next. Red Protector wife-finder. Because nothing says everlasting love like waking up married, audited, and missing a transmission. Commercial too. Green thinker. Pre-nup with benefits. Are you a green thinker who analyzes every relationship until the erection files for unemployment? Meet Dr. Spreadsheet. She arrives at dinner with a laptop, two calculators, and a 12-page sexual performance review Jesse did not know he had completed. She says, according to the data, you finish every argument in 30 seconds. Jesse smiles and says, I'm efficient. She turns the laptop around. That wasn't the argument. Before kissing, she requests three references and a recent emissions test. Before sex, she makes Jesse sign a pre-nup protecting her house, retirement, air fryer, cannabis rewards points, and the good side of the mattress. Jesse asks, what do I keep? She says, the memory of being selected. Her safe word is liquidity. Jesse's is, please stop showing me compound interest while I'm naked. Green thinker wife finder. She won't break your heart. She'll itemize the depreciation and email you a fucking PDF. Commercial three. Yellow hugger. The wife who loves too much. Are you a yellow hugger who needs affection, warmth, and somebody legally prohibited from giving you personal space? Meet Tammy Cuddles. She says, I love hard. Jesse thinks that means passion. It means she has already tattooed his face on a pregnancy pillow and named it Back Up Jesse. She comes over for one night carrying fuzzy pajamas, 17 snacks, a toothbrush, and a moving van idling with the headlights off. After one edible, Tammy whispers, I can feel our soul's merging. Jesse says, that's beautiful. Tammy says, also, I forwarded my mail. In bed, she asks Jesse to hold her tighter. He does. She says, tighter. He pulls a hamstring, loses feeling in two fingers and whispers, is this love. She says, no asshole, you're helping me put on compression socks. Yellow hugger wife finder. She won't leave you lonely. She won't leave you at all. Your bathroom now has decorative towels you're not allowed to touch and a fucking witness who calls her mom. Commercial four, blue chameleon, build a wife. Are you a blue chameleon who changes personality for every woman you meet? Try build a wife, the dating app that studies your preferences and becomes everything you ever wanted until the free trial expires. Jesse selects adventurous, seductive, cannabis friendly, financially independent, and doesn't mind dogs. The app sends Vanessa. At dinner she loves photography. At the dispensary she loves edibles. At Jesse's house she loves his dog more than him. By midnight Vanessa has copied his personality, stolen his side of the bed, and convinced the dog that Jesse is an Uber eats driver, Jesse whispers. You said you wanted to try something kinky. Vanessa pulls out noise cancelling headphones. I want to experience silence while you explain another business idea. When she shapeshifts into Jesse's perfect wife, supportive, patient, sexy, and completely imaginary, the app sends a notification, upgrade to premium to keep her interested. Jesse checks the price and says, can I switch back to loneliness? Blue chameleon wife finder. She becomes your dream woman, then adapts to somebody with dental insurance. Your color's wife finder uses advanced romantic science to answer one important question. What kind of woman should Jesse marry? Red protects him by taking his keys. Green analyzes why he never should have had them. Yellow hugs him until the circulation stops. Blue becomes whatever he wants, then updates or preferences. Take the four colors quiz today. For your perfect wife, lose your password, half the mattress, and the right to use your own fucking air fryer. Four colors wife finder. We don't promise true love. We promise Jesse will ignore the results and choose whichever woman says, I brought weed.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}