{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04/Four-Colors-Exes-Final-Cut-TRAILER-GUY.mp3", "duration_sec": 488.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.0, "text": "Everything you're about to hear is fictional adult comedy."}, {"start": 3.0, "end": 6.0, "text": "All characters are consenting adults over 30."}, {"start": 6.0, "end": 9.0, "text": "These are not factual quotations or claims."}, {"start": 9.0, "end": 11.0, "text": "Jesse spent years watching adult movies"}, {"start": 11.0, "end": 14.0, "text": "because they had something his relationships never did,"}, {"start": 14.0, "end": 16.0, "text": "a plot that reached a conclusion."}, {"start": 16.0, "end": 19.0, "text": "Tonight, four women get final cut."}, {"start": 19.0, "end": 22.0, "text": "Each one brought her side of the story, an adult movie title,"}, {"start": 22.0, "end": 26.0, "text": "and medical proof that Jesse's dick has been making unsupervised business decisions."}, {"start": 26.0, "end": 28.0, "text": "My movie is called,"}, {"start": 28.0, "end": 31.0, "text": "pounded by the terms and conditions."}, {"start": 31.0, "end": 33.0, "text": "Jesse sees a naked woman and clicks,"}, {"start": 33.0, "end": 37.0, "text": "I agree, without reading one fucking sentence."}, {"start": 37.0, "end": 41.0, "text": "He wanted me to dress like a cop, so I did."}, {"start": 41.0, "end": 45.0, "text": "I arrested his dick for impersonating an adult decision."}, {"start": 45.0, "end": 49.0, "text": "He said his favorite position was reverse cowgirl, bullshit."}, {"start": 49.0, "end": 53.0, "text": "His favorite position is apologizing on the edge of the bed"}, {"start": 54.0, "end": 58.0, "text": "while I hold his unlocked phone like courtroom evidence."}, {"start": 58.0, "end": 63.0, "text": "He bought a sex swing, but installed it with leftover screws from IKEA."}, {"start": 63.0, "end": 67.0, "text": "One hard thrust, and that cheap bastard launched us through drywall"}, {"start": 67.0, "end": 69.0, "text": "into his own laundry room."}, {"start": 69.0, "end": 72.0, "text": "He looked up from a pile of towels and asked,"}, {"start": 72.0, "end": 74.0, "text": "was that anal?"}, {"start": 74.0, "end": 77.0, "text": "No, Jesse, that was structural penetration."}, {"start": 77.0, "end": 80.0, "text": "Your house got fucked harder than I did."}, {"start": 80.0, "end": 83.0, "text": "I left because every orgasm came with a deductible,"}, {"start": 83.0, "end": 85.0, "text": "and a fucking repair estimate."}, {"start": 85.0, "end": 87.0, "text": "Red is right."}, {"start": 87.0, "end": 89.0, "text": "Jesse doesn't practice safe sex."}, {"start": 89.0, "end": 91.0, "text": "He practices deferred maintenance."}, {"start": 91.0, "end": 94.0, "text": "His dick enters every relationship like an unlicensed contractor."}, {"start": 94.0, "end": 99.0, "text": "Late, confused, and asking whether the woman has her own tools."}, {"start": 99.0, "end": 101.0, "text": "The sex swing didn't fail."}, {"start": 101.0, "end": 104.0, "text": "It saw Jesse naked and pulled the emergency release."}, {"start": 104.0, "end": 105.0, "text": "My feature is,"}, {"start": 105.0, "end": 106.0, "text": "anal littics,"}, {"start": 106.0, "end": 109.0, "text": "rear end user agreement."}, {"start": 109.0, "end": 112.0, "text": "Jesse said he wanted a woman who loved data,"}, {"start": 112.0, "end": 114.0, "text": "so I tracked everything."}, {"start": 114.0, "end": 117.0, "text": "Foreplay, duration, excuses,"}, {"start": 117.0, "end": 121.0, "text": "and the exact second his confidence left through the bathroom window."}, {"start": 121.0, "end": 124.0, "text": "He called himself a high-performance lover."}, {"start": 124.0, "end": 128.0, "text": "The spreadsheet classified him as a free trial with loading problems."}, {"start": 128.0, "end": 132.0, "text": "Before sex, he asked if I liked 69."}, {"start": 132.0, "end": 134.0, "text": "I said, at your age, that's not a position."}, {"start": 134.0, "end": 137.0, "text": "That's your blood pressure trying to escape."}, {"start": 137.0, "end": 139.0, "text": "He wanted dirty talk,"}, {"start": 139.0, "end": 142.0, "text": "so I whispered his credit utilization into his ear."}, {"start": 142.0, "end": 146.0, "text": "His dick folded like a lawn chair at a foreclosure auction."}, {"start": 146.0, "end": 148.0, "text": "Then he asked for feedback."}, {"start": 148.0, "end": 150.0, "text": "I gave him a dashboard."}, {"start": 150.0, "end": 154.0, "text": "Red arrows, declining engagement, and one flashing message."}, {"start": 154.0, "end": 158.0, "text": "Your penis has been removed for violating community standards."}, {"start": 158.0, "end": 160.0, "text": "He didn't make me come,"}, {"start": 160.0, "end": 163.0, "text": "but he did make the quarterly meeting run long."}, {"start": 163.0, "end": 165.0, "text": "Green turned my sex life into software,"}, {"start": 165.0, "end": 169.0, "text": "and somehow the bug report was longer than the intercourse."}, {"start": 169.0, "end": 171.0, "text": "She said, I needed more RAM."}, {"start": 171.0, "end": 174.0, "text": "I said, baby, I'm giving you everything I've got."}, {"start": 174.0, "end": 178.0, "text": "She said, exactly, that is the fucking problem."}, {"start": 178.0, "end": 183.0, "text": "Even my dick's progress bar stopped at 99% and opened bombed.app."}, {"start": 183.0, "end": 186.0, "text": "My romantic comedy is Missionary Impossible,"}, {"start": 186.0, "end": 189.0, "text": "the position that needed a search party."}, {"start": 189.0, "end": 191.0, "text": "Jesse said he wanted intimacy,"}, {"start": 191.0, "end": 194.0, "text": "so I lit candles, rolled a joint,"}, {"start": 194.0, "end": 196.0, "text": "and asked him to look into my eyes."}, {"start": 196.0, "end": 199.0, "text": "He looked at the television behind me and said,"}, {"start": 199.0, "end": 201.0, "text": "is that your streaming password?"}, {"start": 201.0, "end": 204.0, "text": "He smoked one strain called Morning Wood,"}, {"start": 204.0, "end": 207.0, "text": "and spent 40 minutes negotiating with a coat rack"}, {"start": 207.0, "end": 209.0, "text": "because he thought it was my ex."}, {"start": 209.0, "end": 212.0, "text": "Then he tried tantric sex."}, {"start": 212.0, "end": 216.0, "text": "Jesse thinks tantric means taking so long to find the condom"}, {"start": 216.0, "end": 219.0, "text": "that everybody achieves inner peace separately."}, {"start": 219.0, "end": 222.0, "text": "He said, tell me what your pussy needs."}, {"start": 222.0, "end": 225.0, "text": "I said, a man who doesn't stop mid-position"}, {"start": 225.0, "end": 228.0, "text": "to answer an AI notification."}, {"start": 228.0, "end": 231.0, "text": "His computer yelled, task complete."}, {"start": 231.0, "end": 234.0, "text": "I yelled, at least something in this fucking room finished."}, {"start": 234.0, "end": 238.0, "text": "Jesse called it simultaneous completion."}, {"start": 238.0, "end": 242.0, "text": "I called it, dating a customer service chatbot with pubic hair."}, {"start": 242.0, "end": 244.0, "text": "Yellow wanted emotional presence."}, {"start": 244.0, "end": 246.0, "text": "I gave her software updates in half an erection."}, {"start": 246.0, "end": 248.0, "text": "She asked me to breathe into the moment."}, {"start": 248.0, "end": 251.0, "text": "I inhaled, coughed for 90 seconds,"}, {"start": 251.0, "end": 253.0, "text": "and scared the condom back into the wrapper."}, {"start": 253.0, "end": 256.0, "text": "The coat rack still tells people it was my best date."}, {"start": 256.0, "end": 259.0, "text": "My thriller is incognito mode."}, {"start": 259.0, "end": 262.0, "text": "Everybody fucking knows."}, {"start": 262.0, "end": 265.0, "text": "Jesse claimed he only watched porn for the stories."}, {"start": 265.0, "end": 268.0, "text": "Sure, he fast-forwarded through dialogue"}, {"start": 268.0, "end": 271.0, "text": "like the actors were discussing his overdue bills."}, {"start": 271.0, "end": 274.0, "text": "His search history had so many categories,"}, {"start": 274.0, "end": 276.0, "text": "it needed a four-colors quiz."}, {"start": 276.0, "end": 280.0, "text": "Red was aggressive, green was educational."}, {"start": 280.0, "end": 282.0, "text": "Yellow was loving."}, {"start": 282.0, "end": 285.0, "text": "Blue was whatever weird shit he deleted twice"}, {"start": 285.0, "end": 287.0, "text": "and bookmarked once."}, {"start": 287.0, "end": 291.0, "text": "He downloaded an app called Dick Detox."}, {"start": 291.0, "end": 293.0, "text": "Every time he opened an adult site,"}, {"start": 293.0, "end": 295.0, "text": "it showed a photograph of his cleaning cart"}, {"start": 295.0, "end": 297.0, "text": "and played his accountant saying,"}, {"start": 297.0, "end": 299.0, "text": "you could be working."}, {"start": 299.0, "end": 302.0, "text": "Jesse lasted 11 minutes."}, {"start": 302.0, "end": 305.0, "text": "Then he put the phone inside a sock to fool the face scanner."}, {"start": 305.0, "end": 309.0, "text": "That is the most exercise the sock had received in years."}, {"start": 309.0, "end": 311.0, "text": "He didn't beat the addiction."}, {"start": 311.0, "end": 313.0, "text": "He gave it to factor authentication"}, {"start": 313.0, "end": 315.0, "text": "and a fucking laundry cycle."}, {"start": 315.0, "end": 318.0, "text": "Blue says my browser history is disgusting."}, {"start": 318.0, "end": 320.0, "text": "That is unfair."}, {"start": 320.0, "end": 322.0, "text": "Some of it is professional research."}, {"start": 322.0, "end": 324.0, "text": "I spent 30 years studying camera angles"}, {"start": 324.0, "end": 326.0, "text": "and apparently there is no lens wide enough"}, {"start": 326.0, "end": 330.0, "text": "to make a lonely man eating cereal in bed look seductive."}, {"start": 330.0, "end": 332.0, "text": "My webcam covered itself with electrical tape"}, {"start": 332.0, "end": 334.0, "text": "and applied for fucking witness protection."}, {"start": 334.0, "end": 337.0, "text": "Tonight's show is sponsored by four responsible apps"}, {"start": 337.0, "end": 339.0, "text": "for irresponsible Dick's."}, {"start": 339.0, "end": 342.0, "text": "First, post nut notary."}, {"start": 342.0, "end": 345.0, "text": "The moment you finish, your phone locks every dating app"}, {"start": 345.0, "end": 346.0, "text": "for 30 minutes."}, {"start": 346.0, "end": 347.0, "text": "No messages."}, {"start": 347.0, "end": 348.0, "text": "No proposals."}, {"start": 348.0, "end": 349.0, "text": "No telling a stranger."}, {"start": 349.0, "end": 351.0, "text": "I think you might be my wife"}, {"start": 351.0, "end": 354.0, "text": "while your hand is still filing a workplace grievance"}, {"start": 354.0, "end": 355.0, "text": "against your dick."}, {"start": 355.0, "end": 358.0, "text": "Post nut notary asks three questions."}, {"start": 358.0, "end": 360.0, "text": "Do you know her last name?"}, {"start": 360.0, "end": 361.0, "text": "Are you wearing pants?"}, {"start": 361.0, "end": 363.0, "text": "Would you send this message if your mother"}, {"start": 363.0, "end": 365.0, "text": "were reading it aloud at Thanksgiving?"}, {"start": 365.0, "end": 367.0, "text": "Answer no to all three"}, {"start": 367.0, "end": 370.0, "text": "and the app sprays cold water through your charging port."}, {"start": 370.0, "end": 372.0, "text": "Next, boner budget."}, {"start": 372.0, "end": 374.0, "text": "Connect your bank account and discover"}, {"start": 374.0, "end": 376.0, "text": "how much porn has cost you in subscriptions,"}, {"start": 376.0, "end": 379.0, "text": "tissues, hand lotion, broken promises"}, {"start": 379.0, "end": 382.0, "text": "and chairs that now lean suspiciously to the left."}, {"start": 382.0, "end": 384.0, "text": "Every time you purchase premium content,"}, {"start": 384.0, "end": 388.0, "text": "boner budget transfers the same amount into retirement."}, {"start": 388.0, "end": 389.0, "text": "Jesse tried it once."}, {"start": 389.0, "end": 391.0, "text": "His dick retired before he did."}, {"start": 391.0, "end": 394.0, "text": "Third, position impossible."}, {"start": 394.0, "end": 396.0, "text": "Upload a sex position and the app determines"}, {"start": 396.0, "end": 399.0, "text": "whether two adults over 50 can perform it"}, {"start": 399.0, "end": 401.0, "text": "without paramedics, ceiling reinforcement"}, {"start": 401.0, "end": 403.0, "text": "or explaining a harness to the dog."}, {"start": 403.0, "end": 407.0, "text": "Position impossible rated Jesse's reverse pile driver."}, {"start": 407.0, "end": 408.0, "text": "Difficulty."}, {"start": 408.0, "end": 410.0, "text": "Bill Furniture."}, {"start": 410.0, "end": 411.0, "text": "Calories burned."}, {"start": 411.0, "end": 412.0, "text": "Three."}, {"start": 412.0, "end": 414.0, "text": "Estimated recovery."}, {"start": 414.0, "end": 415.0, "text": "Next tax year."}, {"start": 415.0, "end": 417.0, "text": "Recommended alternative."}, {"start": 417.0, "end": 420.0, "text": "Hold hands and lie about being tired."}, {"start": 420.0, "end": 423.0, "text": "Finally, pussy password manager."}, {"start": 424.0, "end": 427.0, "text": "Stop using the same weak password for every woman."}, {"start": 427.0, "end": 430.0, "text": "Jesse's romantic password was always,"}, {"start": 430.0, "end": 431.0, "text": "I can change."}, {"start": 431.0, "end": 433.0, "text": "Hacker's cracked it before dessert."}, {"start": 433.0, "end": 436.0, "text": "The app generates secure phrases like,"}, {"start": 436.0, "end": 438.0, "text": "I have discussed this with my therapist."}, {"start": 438.0, "end": 441.0, "text": "I will not co-sign anything while horny."}, {"start": 441.0, "end": 445.0, "text": "And no, your cousin cannot live in my garage."}, {"start": 445.0, "end": 448.0, "text": "Premium members receive anal authentication."}, {"start": 448.0, "end": 452.0, "text": "One look at the situation and the app tells you to back the fuck out."}, {"start": 452.0, "end": 454.0, "text": "The four colors have reached their verdict."}, {"start": 454.0, "end": 456.0, "text": "Red says protect your dignity."}, {"start": 456.0, "end": 459.0, "text": "Green says analyze your pattern."}, {"start": 459.0, "end": 462.0, "text": "Yellow says hug the lonely bastard."}, {"start": 462.0, "end": 465.0, "text": "Blue says clear his browser before the funeral."}, {"start": 465.0, "end": 468.0, "text": "And Jesse says the same thing he always says after ignoring"}, {"start": 468.0, "end": 471.0, "text": "four intelligent women, three medical warnings,"}, {"start": 471.0, "end": 475.0, "text": "two restraining bras, and one exhausted penis."}, {"start": 475.0, "end": 477.0, "text": "What was her name again?"}, {"start": 477.0, "end": 479.0, "text": "This has been four colors after dark,"}, {"start": 479.0, "end": 481.0, "text": "where every woman tells her side."}, {"start": 481.0, "end": 483.0, "text": "Every app fails its user."}, {"start": 483.0, "end": 485.0, "text": "And Jesse's dick gets the final cut."}, {"start": 485.0, "end": 488.0, "text": "Only because nobody trusted it with the director's cut."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverything you're about to hear is fictional adult comedy. All characters are consenting adults over 30. These are not factual quotations or claims. Jesse spent years watching adult movies because they had something his relationships never did, a plot that reached a conclusion. Tonight, four women get final cut. Each one brought her side of the story, an adult movie title, and medical proof that Jesse's dick has been making unsupervised business decisions. My movie is called, pounded by the terms and conditions. Jesse sees a naked woman and clicks, I agree, without reading one fucking sentence. He wanted me to dress like a cop, so I did. I arrested his dick for impersonating an adult decision. He said his favorite position was reverse cowgirl, bullshit. His favorite position is apologizing on the edge of the bed while I hold his unlocked phone like courtroom evidence. He bought a sex swing, but installed it with leftover screws from IKEA. One hard thrust, and that cheap bastard launched us through drywall into his own laundry room. He looked up from a pile of towels and asked, was that anal? No, Jesse, that was structural penetration. Your house got fucked harder than I did. I left because every orgasm came with a deductible, and a fucking repair estimate. Red is right. Jesse doesn't practice safe sex. He practices deferred maintenance. His dick enters every relationship like an unlicensed contractor. Late, confused, and asking whether the woman has her own tools. The sex swing didn't fail. It saw Jesse naked and pulled the emergency release. My feature is, anal littics, rear end user agreement. Jesse said he wanted a woman who loved data, so I tracked everything. Foreplay, duration, excuses, and the exact second his confidence left through the bathroom window. He called himself a high-performance lover. The spreadsheet classified him as a free trial with loading problems. Before sex, he asked if I liked 69. I said, at your age, that's not a position. That's your blood pressure trying to escape. He wanted dirty talk, so I whispered his credit utilization into his ear. His dick folded like a lawn chair at a foreclosure auction. Then he asked for feedback. I gave him a dashboard. Red arrows, declining engagement, and one flashing message. Your penis has been removed for violating community standards. He didn't make me come, but he did make the quarterly meeting run long. Green turned my sex life into software, and somehow the bug report was longer than the intercourse. She said, I needed more RAM. I said, baby, I'm giving you everything I've got. She said, exactly, that is the fucking problem. Even my dick's progress bar stopped at 99% and opened bombed.app. My romantic comedy is Missionary Impossible, the position that needed a search party. Jesse said he wanted intimacy, so I lit candles, rolled a joint, and asked him to look into my eyes. He looked at the television behind me and said, is that your streaming password? He smoked one strain called Morning Wood, and spent 40 minutes negotiating with a coat rack because he thought it was my ex. Then he tried tantric sex. Jesse thinks tantric means taking so long to find the condom that everybody achieves inner peace separately. He said, tell me what your pussy needs. I said, a man who doesn't stop mid-position to answer an AI notification. His computer yelled, task complete. I yelled, at least something in this fucking room finished. Jesse called it simultaneous completion. I called it, dating a customer service chatbot with pubic hair. Yellow wanted emotional presence. I gave her software updates in half an erection. She asked me to breathe into the moment. I inhaled, coughed for 90 seconds, and scared the condom back into the wrapper. The coat rack still tells people it was my best date. My thriller is incognito mode. Everybody fucking knows. Jesse claimed he only watched porn for the stories. Sure, he fast-forwarded through dialogue like the actors were discussing his overdue bills. His search history had so many categories, it needed a four-colors quiz. Red was aggressive, green was educational. Yellow was loving. Blue was whatever weird shit he deleted twice and bookmarked once. He downloaded an app called Dick Detox. Every time he opened an adult site, it showed a photograph of his cleaning cart and played his accountant saying, you could be working. Jesse lasted 11 minutes. Then he put the phone inside a sock to fool the face scanner. That is the most exercise the sock had received in years. He didn't beat the addiction. He gave it to factor authentication and a fucking laundry cycle. Blue says my browser history is disgusting. That is unfair. Some of it is professional research. I spent 30 years studying camera angles and apparently there is no lens wide enough to make a lonely man eating cereal in bed look seductive. My webcam covered itself with electrical tape and applied for fucking witness protection. Tonight's show is sponsored by four responsible apps for irresponsible Dick's. First, post nut notary. The moment you finish, your phone locks every dating app for 30 minutes. No messages. No proposals. No telling a stranger. I think you might be my wife while your hand is still filing a workplace grievance against your dick. Post nut notary asks three questions. Do you know her last name? Are you wearing pants? Would you send this message if your mother were reading it aloud at Thanksgiving? Answer no to all three and the app sprays cold water through your charging port. Next, boner budget. Connect your bank account and discover how much porn has cost you in subscriptions, tissues, hand lotion, broken promises and chairs that now lean suspiciously to the left. Every time you purchase premium content, boner budget transfers the same amount into retirement. Jesse tried it once. His dick retired before he did. Third, position impossible. Upload a sex position and the app determines whether two adults over 50 can perform it without paramedics, ceiling reinforcement or explaining a harness to the dog. Position impossible rated Jesse's reverse pile driver. Difficulty. Bill Furniture. Calories burned. Three. Estimated recovery. Next tax year. Recommended alternative. Hold hands and lie about being tired. Finally, pussy password manager. Stop using the same weak password for every woman. Jesse's romantic password was always, I can change. Hacker's cracked it before dessert. The app generates secure phrases like, I have discussed this with my therapist. I will not co-sign anything while horny. And no, your cousin cannot live in my garage. Premium members receive anal authentication. One look at the situation and the app tells you to back the fuck out. The four colors have reached their verdict. Red says protect your dignity. Green says analyze your pattern. Yellow says hug the lonely bastard. Blue says clear his browser before the funeral. And Jesse says the same thing he always says after ignoring four intelligent women, three medical warnings, two restraining bras, and one exhausted penis. What was her name again? This has been four colors after dark, where every woman tells her side. Every app fails its user. And Jesse's dick gets the final cut. Only because nobody trusted it with the director's cut.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}