{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04-batch2/2026-09-04-fictional-ex-stoner-roster-private-audition.mp3", "duration_sec": 144.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.1, "text": "My exes weren't red flags."}, {"start": 2.1, "end": 4.5, "text": "They were a full dispensary menu."}, {"start": 4.5, "end": 6.9, "text": "I kept dating women like I was ordering weed,"}, {"start": 6.9, "end": 9.34, "text": "great packaging, no quality control,"}, {"start": 9.34, "end": 10.66, "text": "and somehow I'm surprised"}, {"start": 10.66, "end": 13.22, "text": "when the relationship makes me paranoid."}, {"start": 13.22, "end": 16.46, "text": "You called me glamorous because I wore designer clothes."}, {"start": 16.46, "end": 18.1, "text": "I was not glamorous."}, {"start": 18.1, "end": 20.34, "text": "I was your probation officer with lip gloss."}, {"start": 20.34, "end": 23.3, "text": "I asked what strain you bought, how much you spent,"}, {"start": 23.3, "end": 26.74, "text": "and why your five year plan had the word snacks in it."}, {"start": 27.66, "end": 29.18, "text": "She didn't ask if I smoked."}, {"start": 29.18, "end": 31.22, "text": "She asked for my dosage, my strain,"}, {"start": 31.22, "end": 33.08, "text": "and my financial goals."}, {"start": 33.08, "end": 35.38, "text": "I said, ma'am, I'm high right now."}, {"start": 35.38, "end": 37.78, "text": "I don't even have a two minute plan."}, {"start": 37.78, "end": 40.88, "text": "You said you wanted a woman who could handle your life."}, {"start": 40.88, "end": 42.42, "text": "I handled it."}, {"start": 42.42, "end": 45.98, "text": "I found three unpaid bills, two fake business plans,"}, {"start": 45.98, "end": 49.22, "text": "and one edible labeled strong."}, {"start": 49.22, "end": 51.06, "text": "That label was not a warning."}, {"start": 51.06, "end": 53.74, "text": "That was a fucking autobiography."}, {"start": 53.74, "end": 56.38, "text": "Then there was the big-hearted one, beautiful,"}, {"start": 56.38, "end": 58.02, "text": "loud, affectionate."}, {"start": 58.02, "end": 60.16, "text": "The kind of woman who could turn a grocery run"}, {"start": 60.16, "end": 61.74, "text": "into a catered event."}, {"start": 61.74, "end": 63.84, "text": "She said she needed room to feel safe."}, {"start": 63.84, "end": 66.24, "text": "I said, baby, I drive a Tesla."}, {"start": 66.24, "end": 67.66, "text": "The car has room."}, {"start": 67.66, "end": 70.4, "text": "The relationship has a fucking weight limit."}, {"start": 70.4, "end": 74.06, "text": "You weren't ready for my appetite or my feelings."}, {"start": 74.06, "end": 76.26, "text": "You brought one bag of chips to a weekend"}, {"start": 76.26, "end": 78.94, "text": "together like you were feeding a hostage."}, {"start": 78.94, "end": 81.66, "text": "She ate my emergency snacks, then apologized"}, {"start": 81.66, "end": 83.74, "text": "by ordering more snacks."}, {"start": 83.74, "end": 86.38, "text": "That was the healthiest relationship I've ever had."}, {"start": 86.38, "end": 87.58, "text": "We didn't communicate."}, {"start": 87.58, "end": 89.62, "text": "We replenished inventory."}, {"start": 89.62, "end": 92.18, "text": "I told you I wanted a man with inner peace."}, {"start": 92.18, "end": 96.02, "text": "You heard inner peace and spent four hours explaining"}, {"start": 96.02, "end": 98.98, "text": "to my roomba why we needed to communicate better."}, {"start": 98.98, "end": 100.82, "text": "That edible had me hiding in her pantry"}, {"start": 100.82, "end": 102.74, "text": "like a haunted side dish."}, {"start": 102.74, "end": 104.62, "text": "The roomba left before I did."}, {"start": 104.62, "end": 107.22, "text": "Honestly, that machine had boundaries."}, {"start": 107.22, "end": 109.86, "text": "You kept saying each woman was different."}, {"start": 109.86, "end": 113.14, "text": "They were different strains of the same mistake."}, {"start": 113.14, "end": 116.54, "text": "And every one of them deserved better snacks."}, {"start": 116.54, "end": 118.78, "text": "Especially the roomba."}, {"start": 118.78, "end": 121.78, "text": "The last one checked my glove box and found three lighters."}, {"start": 121.78, "end": 124.14, "text": "She said, why three?"}, {"start": 124.14, "end": 127.14, "text": "I said, one is for smoking, one is backup,"}, {"start": 127.14, "end": 129.86, "text": "and one is emotionally unavailable."}, {"start": 129.86, "end": 131.5, "text": "That's dating after 50."}, {"start": 131.5, "end": 135.06, "text": "Four fictional X's, three lighters, two missing snacks,"}, {"start": 135.06, "end": 136.74, "text": "and one man still waiting for the edible"}, {"start": 136.74, "end": 139.78, "text": "to explain what the fuck he just agreed to."}, {"start": 139.78, "end": 141.3, "text": "I didn't need a soulmate."}, {"start": 141.3, "end": 144.78, "text": "I needed a responsible adult to take my keys."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nMy exes weren't red flags. They were a full dispensary menu. I kept dating women like I was ordering weed, great packaging, no quality control, and somehow I'm surprised when the relationship makes me paranoid. You called me glamorous because I wore designer clothes. I was not glamorous. I was your probation officer with lip gloss. I asked what strain you bought, how much you spent, and why your five year plan had the word snacks in it. She didn't ask if I smoked. She asked for my dosage, my strain, and my financial goals. I said, ma'am, I'm high right now. I don't even have a two minute plan. You said you wanted a woman who could handle your life. I handled it. I found three unpaid bills, two fake business plans, and one edible labeled strong. That label was not a warning. That was a fucking autobiography. Then there was the big-hearted one, beautiful, loud, affectionate. The kind of woman who could turn a grocery run into a catered event. She said she needed room to feel safe. I said, baby, I drive a Tesla. The car has room. The relationship has a fucking weight limit. You weren't ready for my appetite or my feelings. You brought one bag of chips to a weekend together like you were feeding a hostage. She ate my emergency snacks, then apologized by ordering more snacks. That was the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We didn't communicate. We replenished inventory. I told you I wanted a man with inner peace. You heard inner peace and spent four hours explaining to my roomba why we needed to communicate better. That edible had me hiding in her pantry like a haunted side dish. The roomba left before I did. Honestly, that machine had boundaries. You kept saying each woman was different. They were different strains of the same mistake. And every one of them deserved better snacks. Especially the roomba. The last one checked my glove box and found three lighters. She said, why three? I said, one is for smoking, one is backup, and one is emotionally unavailable. That's dating after 50. Four fictional X's, three lighters, two missing snacks, and one man still waiting for the edible to explain what the fuck he just agreed to. I didn't need a soulmate. I needed a responsible adult to take my keys.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}