{"file": "audio/redline-2026-09-04-batch2/2026-09-02-fake-ads-loop.mp3", "duration_sec": 151.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.12, "text": "This is comedy, laughs and giggles."}, {"start": 2.12, "end": 3.48, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 3.48, "end": 4.52, "text": "bomb.app."}, {"start": 4.52, "end": 7.2, "text": "Late night, I sell shit that is my life."}, {"start": 7.2, "end": 8.96, "text": "If you laugh, I live."}, {"start": 8.96, "end": 10.88, "text": "If you don't, I mop."}, {"start": 10.88, "end": 13.48, "text": "Tired of dating at 50 with a warning label,"}, {"start": 13.48, "end": 15.8, "text": "introducing open to work dating."}, {"start": 15.8, "end": 17.56, "text": "List every job you quit."}, {"start": 17.56, "end": 18.8, "text": "She'll think it's a kink."}, {"start": 18.8, "end": 20.48, "text": "You'll think it's honesty."}, {"start": 20.48, "end": 23.08, "text": "I put open to work on my profile."}, {"start": 23.08, "end": 25.0, "text": "She asked what I do."}, {"start": 25.0, "end": 28.16, "text": "I started listing jobs like a crash report."}, {"start": 28.16, "end": 30.2, "text": "She left before the mop."}, {"start": 30.2, "end": 32.12, "text": "I still clocked in."}, {"start": 32.12, "end": 33.72, "text": "That's a satisfied customer."}, {"start": 33.72, "end": 35.16, "text": "Operators are standing by."}, {"start": 35.16, "end": 35.96, "text": "They're me."}, {"start": 35.96, "end": 36.72, "text": "I'm mopping."}, {"start": 36.72, "end": 39.0, "text": "Order now and we'll throw in a dead arm."}, {"start": 39.0, "end": 40.32, "text": "Absolutely free."}, {"start": 40.32, "end": 41.92, "text": "It just watches."}, {"start": 41.92, "end": 44.0, "text": "I thought it was a dating app."}, {"start": 44.0, "end": 46.0, "text": "It was a resume with a hard on."}, {"start": 46.0, "end": 47.08, "text": "Five stars."}, {"start": 47.08, "end": 49.16, "text": "I still didn't get laid."}, {"start": 49.16, "end": 52.56, "text": "Open to work dating from the makers of not getting a call back."}, {"start": 52.56, "end": 53.72, "text": "But wait."}, {"start": 53.72, "end": 54.96, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 54.96, "end": 58.2, "text": "Are you the guy who sees a tear and files a claim?"}, {"start": 58.2, "end": 60.04, "text": "Captain Saeva Ho hotline."}, {"start": 60.04, "end": 62.08, "text": "You show up with a mop and a speech."}, {"start": 62.08, "end": 63.56, "text": "She wanted three blocks."}, {"start": 63.56, "end": 65.84, "text": "You wanted a purpose with a zipper."}, {"start": 65.84, "end": 67.12, "text": "I called the hotline."}, {"start": 67.12, "end": 68.64, "text": "A man answered."}, {"start": 68.64, "end": 69.72, "text": "It was me."}, {"start": 69.72, "end": 70.8, "text": "He said, I'll be there."}, {"start": 70.8, "end": 72.52, "text": "I was already there."}, {"start": 72.52, "end": 73.96, "text": "That's not a rescue."}, {"start": 73.96, "end": 76.56, "text": "That's a man talking to his own voicemail."}, {"start": 76.56, "end": 77.68, "text": "Limited time."}, {"start": 77.68, "end": 79.96, "text": "We'll send you a wet wipe and a TED talk."}, {"start": 79.96, "end": 82.36, "text": "If she gets out at the light, you keep the wipe."}, {"start": 82.36, "end": 84.92, "text": "That's a souvenir from a job you didn't get."}, {"start": 85.28, "end": 86.56, "text": "I bought the hotline."}, {"start": 86.56, "end": 88.12, "text": "My dick filed a complaint."}, {"start": 88.12, "end": 91.24, "text": "HR was a parking lot denied."}, {"start": 91.24, "end": 92.84, "text": "Captain Saeva Ho hotline."}, {"start": 92.84, "end": 94.12, "text": "We don't save anybody."}, {"start": 94.12, "end": 95.88, "text": "We build the night to ourselves."}, {"start": 95.88, "end": 96.52, "text": "But wait."}, {"start": 96.52, "end": 97.72, "text": "Last spot."}, {"start": 97.72, "end": 99.04, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 99.04, "end": 101.96, "text": "Men of a certain age tired of women who leave."}, {"start": 101.96, "end": 102.8, "text": "Meet caution."}, {"start": 102.8, "end": 103.8, "text": "That's my type."}, {"start": 103.8, "end": 105.64, "text": "The wet floor sign girlfriend."}, {"start": 105.64, "end": 107.04, "text": "She never ghosts."}, {"start": 107.04, "end": 109.8, "text": "She just stands there saying don't."}, {"start": 109.8, "end": 111.24, "text": "I dated a warning label."}, {"start": 111.24, "end": 112.36, "text": "She said caution."}, {"start": 112.36, "end": 113.92, "text": "I said, that's chemistry."}, {"start": 113.92, "end": 116.92, "text": "I ate a protein bar in a closet and called it a date."}, {"start": 116.92, "end": 118.36, "text": "She stayed for the whole hour."}, {"start": 118.36, "end": 120.36, "text": "Best crowd I had all month."}, {"start": 120.36, "end": 122.36, "text": "I asked her for a testimonial."}, {"start": 122.36, "end": 123.6, "text": "She said caution."}, {"start": 123.6, "end": 125.84, "text": "I said, that's a five star."}, {"start": 125.84, "end": 128.04, "text": "Then I left a tip jar next to the sink."}, {"start": 128.04, "end": 129.56, "text": "Still got stiffed."}, {"start": 129.56, "end": 135.84, "text": "If your type is a woman who almost stays by the sign, it has better posture than you."}, {"start": 135.84, "end": 137.96, "text": "It doesn't need a ring."}, {"start": 137.96, "end": 139.56, "text": "It needs a hallway."}, {"start": 139.56, "end": 140.56, "text": "Caution."}, {"start": 140.56, "end": 141.56, "text": "That's my type."}, {"start": 141.56, "end": 142.56, "text": "From bomb.app."}, {"start": 142.56, "end": 143.56, "text": "Fake products."}, {"start": 143.56, "end": 144.56, "text": "I don't defend."}, {"start": 144.56, "end": 145.56, "text": "I sell."}, {"start": 145.56, "end": 147.52, "text": "Last line's mine, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 147.52, "end": 149.2, "text": "If you laugh, I live forever."}, {"start": 149.2, "end": 151.4, "text": "If you don't, I still have two jobs today."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy, laughs and giggles. This next one is fake. bomb.app. Late night, I sell shit that is my life. If you laugh, I live. If you don't, I mop. Tired of dating at 50 with a warning label, introducing open to work dating. List every job you quit. She'll think it's a kink. You'll think it's honesty. I put open to work on my profile. She asked what I do. I started listing jobs like a crash report. She left before the mop. I still clocked in. That's a satisfied customer. Operators are standing by. They're me. I'm mopping. Order now and we'll throw in a dead arm. Absolutely free. It just watches. I thought it was a dating app. It was a resume with a hard on. Five stars. I still didn't get laid. Open to work dating from the makers of not getting a call back. But wait. This next one is fake. Are you the guy who sees a tear and files a claim? Captain Saeva Ho hotline. You show up with a mop and a speech. She wanted three blocks. You wanted a purpose with a zipper. I called the hotline. A man answered. It was me. He said, I'll be there. I was already there. That's not a rescue. That's a man talking to his own voicemail. Limited time. We'll send you a wet wipe and a TED talk. If she gets out at the light, you keep the wipe. That's a souvenir from a job you didn't get. I bought the hotline. My dick filed a complaint. HR was a parking lot denied. Captain Saeva Ho hotline. We don't save anybody. We build the night to ourselves. But wait. Last spot. This next one is fake. Men of a certain age tired of women who leave. Meet caution. That's my type. The wet floor sign girlfriend. She never ghosts. She just stands there saying don't. I dated a warning label. She said caution. I said, that's chemistry. I ate a protein bar in a closet and called it a date. She stayed for the whole hour. Best crowd I had all month. I asked her for a testimonial. She said caution. I said, that's a five star. Then I left a tip jar next to the sink. Still got stiffed. If your type is a woman who almost stays by the sign, it has better posture than you. It doesn't need a ring. It needs a hallway. Caution. That's my type. From bomb.app. Fake products. I don't defend. I sell. Last line's mine, motherfuckers. If you laugh, I live forever. If you don't, I still have two jobs today.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}