{"file": "audio/mouth-tests-2026-09-04/2026-09-04-four-colors-fake-ads.mp3", "duration_sec": 283.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.92, "text": "This is comedy, laughs and giggles, four colors, dating apps."}, {"start": 3.92, "end": 7.36, "text": "Every ad is fake. I'm the customer. I'm the warning label."}, {"start": 7.36, "end": 9.92, "text": "Comics talk. I get the last line."}, {"start": 9.92, "end": 10.88, "text": "Gallum."}, {"start": 10.88, "end": 15.52, "text": "This next one is fake. Red Zone. The app for men who want"}, {"start": 15.52, "end": 20.72, "text": "passion, intensity and zero patience. Jesse matched in four seconds flat."}, {"start": 21.52, "end": 25.44, "text": "Showed up in his cleaning uniform because he didn't have time to change."}, {"start": 25.44, "end": 29.52, "text": "And Red Zone doesn't do patience. She said she loved a man who"}, {"start": 29.52, "end": 34.64, "text": "moves fast. He said great because he had two more houses to hit before dark."}, {"start": 35.28, "end": 38.96, "text": "She thought that was passion. It was a schedule."}, {"start": 38.96, "end": 42.24, "text": "He got a second date and a parking ticket in the same hour."}, {"start": 42.88, "end": 47.92, "text": "Shit, Midas. Speeds the only thing he's got and it still costs him."}, {"start": 48.64, "end": 51.68, "text": "Fast and broke. My whole brand. Next. Azi."}, {"start": 52.24, "end": 56.72, "text": "This next one is fake. Green guard. The app for overtinkers."}, {"start": 57.28, "end": 61.2, "text": "Every match comes with a background check Jesse didn't consent to."}, {"start": 61.2, "end": 64.32, "text": "She asked for his credit score before his last name."}, {"start": 64.32, "end": 68.88, "text": "He gave both. Honestly, hoping honesty scores points."}, {"start": 68.88, "end": 73.76, "text": "It didn't. She matched anyway. Out of pity or curiosity."}, {"start": 73.76, "end": 78.24, "text": "Nobody's sure which. First date, she brought a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 78.24, "end": 82.72, "text": "Column 1. Assets. Column 2. Red flags."}, {"start": 82.72, "end": 85.84, "text": "He was the whole second column by himself."}, {"start": 85.84, "end": 90.72, "text": "Shit, Midas. He passed the vibe check and failed the audit in the same conversation."}, {"start": 91.36, "end": 95.04, "text": "I am the red flag full color waving next. Liam."}, {"start": 95.68, "end": 98.24, "text": "This next one is fake. Blue swap."}, {"start": 98.72, "end": 102.24, "text": "The app for chameleons who changed their whole personality by the third message."}, {"start": 102.96, "end": 107.76, "text": "Jesse matched with someone's suite, then confident, then completely unavailable."}, {"start": 107.76, "end": 109.68, "text": "All before the appetizers showed up."}, {"start": 110.4, "end": 114.64, "text": "He kept adjusting to match her, like a man trying to hit a moving target with a mop."}, {"start": 115.44, "end": 120.4, "text": "By dessert, she was a different person and he was still the same broke guy paying for all three of her."}, {"start": 121.76, "end": 127.2, "text": "Shit, Midas. He didn't date one woman. He financed a rotating cast."}, {"start": 127.84, "end": 131.12, "text": "Three personalities. One bill. Mine. Next. Chris."}, {"start": 131.76, "end": 134.32, "text": "This next one is fake. Yellow crowd."}, {"start": 134.96, "end": 140.32, "text": "The app for people who only date in groups because apparently one Jesse isn't enough content for one"}, {"start": 140.32, "end": 145.44, "text": "evening. He showed up expecting a date. Got a party of six and a bill billed for eight."}, {"start": 146.32, "end": 151.28, "text": "Somebody ordered a bottle service he didn't know existed until it existed on his card."}, {"start": 151.84, "end": 156.88, "text": "He smiled through the whole thing because leaving early felt worse than going broke publicly."}, {"start": 157.76, "end": 161.92, "text": "Shit, Midas. He didn't get a girlfriend. He got a group rate."}, {"start": 162.64, "end": 165.36, "text": "Bottle service on a mop budget. Next. Gruff."}, {"start": 166.0, "end": 171.28, "text": "This next one is fake. Red zone again. Different night because apparently once wasn't enough"}, {"start": 171.28, "end": 176.96, "text": "punishment. This match said she wanted a man who takes charge. Jesse took charge of the check,"}, {"start": 176.96, "end": 182.56, "text": "the ride, and absolutely nothing else. She said his energy was intense. He said that's just what"}, {"start": 182.56, "end": 188.0, "text": "broken, tired looks like from a distance. She left before the food came. He still tipped because"}, {"start": 188.0, "end": 194.48, "text": "habits don't care about heartbreak. Shit, Midas. Intensities free. Everything after it cost money."}, {"start": 194.88, "end": 198.72, "text": "I've got the intensity. I'm still working on the money. Next. Anthony."}, {"start": 199.2, "end": 206.4, "text": "This next one is fake. Green guard. Round two. This one didn't want a spreadsheet. She wanted a"}, {"start": 206.4, "end": 214.32, "text": "five year plan by the second date. Jesse said he doesn't plan past Thursday. She said that's a red flag."}, {"start": 214.32, "end": 219.92, "text": "He said technically it's more of a green one given the app. Nobody laughed except him."}, {"start": 220.64, "end": 225.12, "text": "And only because laughing was cheaper than crying at that specific dinner table."}, {"start": 225.76, "end": 230.96, "text": "She ghosted before the check came, which honestly saved him money for the first time all week."}, {"start": 231.92, "end": 237.04, "text": "Shit, Midas. Losing her was the only thing that came in under budget."}, {"start": 237.76, "end": 242.16, "text": "Under budget. Write that on my headstone. Next. Max, close it out."}, {"start": 242.64, "end": 249.44, "text": "This next one is fake. Blue swap. Last round. Jesse matched with someone who was four"}, {"start": 249.44, "end": 255.04, "text": "different women by the end of one voicemail. He left the date more confused than when Costco changed"}, {"start": 255.04, "end": 261.2, "text": "the layout. And that takes real effort. She texted the next day pretending to be a completely"}, {"start": 261.2, "end": 266.48, "text": "different personality who'd never heard of him. He played along because at that point it was either"}, {"start": 266.48, "end": 273.52, "text": "that or admit the whole night made no sense. Shit, Midas. He didn't lose the girl. He lost track"}, {"start": 273.52, "end": 279.04, "text": "of which girl? Lost track, still tracking the bill though, that never gets confused. Four colors,"}, {"start": 279.04, "end": 284.88, "text": "every app's fake, every bill's real, laughs and giggles. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy, laughs and giggles, four colors, dating apps. Every ad is fake. I'm the customer. I'm the warning label. Comics talk. I get the last line. Gallum. This next one is fake. Red Zone. The app for men who want passion, intensity and zero patience. Jesse matched in four seconds flat. Showed up in his cleaning uniform because he didn't have time to change. And Red Zone doesn't do patience. She said she loved a man who moves fast. He said great because he had two more houses to hit before dark. She thought that was passion. It was a schedule. He got a second date and a parking ticket in the same hour. Shit, Midas. Speeds the only thing he's got and it still costs him. Fast and broke. My whole brand. Next. Azi. This next one is fake. Green guard. The app for overtinkers. Every match comes with a background check Jesse didn't consent to. She asked for his credit score before his last name. He gave both. Honestly, hoping honesty scores points. It didn't. She matched anyway. Out of pity or curiosity. Nobody's sure which. First date, she brought a spreadsheet. Column 1. Assets. Column 2. Red flags. He was the whole second column by himself. Shit, Midas. He passed the vibe check and failed the audit in the same conversation. I am the red flag full color waving next. Liam. This next one is fake. Blue swap. The app for chameleons who changed their whole personality by the third message. Jesse matched with someone's suite, then confident, then completely unavailable. All before the appetizers showed up. He kept adjusting to match her, like a man trying to hit a moving target with a mop. By dessert, she was a different person and he was still the same broke guy paying for all three of her. Shit, Midas. He didn't date one woman. He financed a rotating cast. Three personalities. One bill. Mine. Next. Chris. This next one is fake. Yellow crowd. The app for people who only date in groups because apparently one Jesse isn't enough content for one evening. He showed up expecting a date. Got a party of six and a bill billed for eight. Somebody ordered a bottle service he didn't know existed until it existed on his card. He smiled through the whole thing because leaving early felt worse than going broke publicly. Shit, Midas. He didn't get a girlfriend. He got a group rate. Bottle service on a mop budget. Next. Gruff. This next one is fake. Red zone again. Different night because apparently once wasn't enough punishment. This match said she wanted a man who takes charge. Jesse took charge of the check, the ride, and absolutely nothing else. She said his energy was intense. He said that's just what broken, tired looks like from a distance. She left before the food came. He still tipped because habits don't care about heartbreak. Shit, Midas. Intensities free. Everything after it cost money. I've got the intensity. I'm still working on the money. Next. Anthony. This next one is fake. Green guard. Round two. This one didn't want a spreadsheet. She wanted a five year plan by the second date. Jesse said he doesn't plan past Thursday. She said that's a red flag. He said technically it's more of a green one given the app. Nobody laughed except him. And only because laughing was cheaper than crying at that specific dinner table. She ghosted before the check came, which honestly saved him money for the first time all week. Shit, Midas. Losing her was the only thing that came in under budget. Under budget. Write that on my headstone. Next. Max, close it out. This next one is fake. Blue swap. Last round. Jesse matched with someone who was four different women by the end of one voicemail. He left the date more confused than when Costco changed the layout. And that takes real effort. She texted the next day pretending to be a completely different personality who'd never heard of him. He played along because at that point it was either that or admit the whole night made no sense. Shit, Midas. He didn't lose the girl. He lost track of which girl? Lost track, still tracking the bill though, that never gets confused. Four colors, every app's fake, every bill's real, laughs and giggles. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}