{"file": "audio/mouth-tests-2026-09-04/2026-09-04-filthy-60-vol2.mp3", "duration_sec": 667.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.22, "text": "This is comedy, laughs and giggles, filthy hour, volume two, new material, same broke man."}, {"start": 6.22, "end": 9.02, "text": "Comic gets a minute, then we talk shit about the jokes."}, {"start": 9.02, "end": 10.66, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 10.66, "end": 11.66, "text": "Calum."}, {"start": 11.66, "end": 15.66, "text": "Jesse's ex texted him, happy birthday this year."}, {"start": 15.66, "end": 18.26, "text": "First, contact in two years."}, {"start": 18.26, "end": 21.6, "text": "He read it eleven times, looking for a hidden meaning."}, {"start": 21.6, "end": 23.5, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 23.5, "end": 26.5, "text": "He texted back, thanks means a lot."}, {"start": 26.5, "end": 32.24, "text": "Then deleted it, then sent a shorter one, then deleted that, then just sent a thumbs up"}, {"start": 32.24, "end": 35.32, "text": "like a coward with a business degree in regret."}, {"start": 35.32, "end": 38.28, "text": "The thumbs up took 40 minutes to send."}, {"start": 38.28, "end": 39.88, "text": "That's not closure."}, {"start": 39.88, "end": 43.12, "text": "That's a hostage negotiation with a phone."}, {"start": 43.12, "end": 45.32, "text": "Every text is a hostage negotiation with me."}, {"start": 45.32, "end": 46.32, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 46.32, "end": 49.4, "text": "40 minutes on a thumbs up."}, {"start": 49.4, "end": 52.08, "text": "That's the whole man in one detail."}, {"start": 52.08, "end": 54.6, "text": "Don't add anything after that."}, {"start": 54.6, "end": 58.88, "text": "The eleven rereads for hidden meaning is the real diagnosis."}, {"start": 58.88, "end": 61.6, "text": "He's not over it, he's forensic about it."}, {"start": 61.6, "end": 62.6, "text": "Aussie."}, {"start": 62.6, "end": 65.6, "text": "Jesse went to therapy for the first time this year."}, {"start": 65.6, "end": 68.0, "text": "The therapist asked what brought him in."}, {"start": 68.0, "end": 72.68, "text": "He said everything, like a man ordering the combo meal of trauma."}, {"start": 72.68, "end": 74.44, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 74.44, "end": 79.08, "text": "Halfway through the session, he started cleaning the office out of nervous habit and the"}, {"start": 79.08, "end": 81.04, "text": "therapist just let him."}, {"start": 81.04, "end": 84.08, "text": "Because apparently that's cheaper than actual progress."}, {"start": 84.08, "end": 88.88, "text": "50 minutes, 40 of it spent organizing her bookshelf by color."}, {"start": 88.88, "end": 89.88, "text": "That's not therapy."}, {"start": 89.88, "end": 92.88, "text": "That's a house call with feelings attached."}, {"start": 92.88, "end": 94.68, "text": "At least the bookshelves fixed."}, {"start": 94.68, "end": 96.2, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 96.2, "end": 100.52, "text": "A house call with feelings attached should be the name of your autobiography."}, {"start": 100.52, "end": 104.76, "text": "The therapist letting him clean instead of doing the work is the real punchline."}, {"start": 104.76, "end": 107.76, "text": "She gave up on him faster than his exes did."}, {"start": 107.76, "end": 108.76, "text": "Liam."}, {"start": 108.76, "end": 110.28, "text": "Jesse joined a gym."}, {"start": 110.28, "end": 111.84, "text": "Not to get in shape."}, {"start": 111.84, "end": 116.0, "text": "To have somewhere warm to sit between jobs that isn't the car."}, {"start": 116.0, "end": 118.08, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 118.08, "end": 122.72, "text": "A trainer approached him and asked about his fitness goals and he said, survive until 9"}, {"start": 122.72, "end": 128.48, "text": "pm and the trainer wrote that down like it was a real answer because technically it was."}, {"start": 128.48, "end": 133.24, "text": "Now he's got a workout plan built entirely around not falling asleep on the treadmill."}, {"start": 133.24, "end": 135.8, "text": "Survive until nine is the only cardio I trust."}, {"start": 135.8, "end": 137.36, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 137.36, "end": 140.84, "text": "The trainer writing it down like a real goal is the tragedy."}, {"start": 140.84, "end": 141.84, "text": "Nobody corrected him."}, {"start": 141.84, "end": 145.92, "text": "A workout plan built around not falling asleep."}, {"start": 145.92, "end": 147.12, "text": "That's not fitness."}, {"start": 147.12, "end": 149.12, "text": "That's OSHA compliance."}, {"start": 149.12, "end": 150.12, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 150.12, "end": 153.48, "text": "Jesse went to a work meeting on his day off by accident."}, {"start": 153.48, "end": 155.76, "text": "Nobody told him it got moved."}, {"start": 155.76, "end": 160.44, "text": "He sat there for 20 minutes before anyone noticed he doesn't work there anymore."}, {"start": 160.44, "end": 162.72, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 162.72, "end": 164.88, "text": "And they finally asked why he was there."}, {"start": 164.88, "end": 169.92, "text": "He said he was just passionate about quarterly synergy and somehow that answer worked better"}, {"start": 169.92, "end": 171.8, "text": "than the truth."}, {"start": 171.8, "end": 175.16, "text": "Passion covers for confusion every single time."}, {"start": 175.16, "end": 176.92, "text": "That's the whole economy."}, {"start": 176.92, "end": 178.92, "text": "Passion's the only thing I've got that's still free."}, {"start": 178.92, "end": 179.92, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 179.92, "end": 185.72, "text": "20 minutes before anyone noticed is a horror movie not a joke and it's still funny."}, {"start": 185.72, "end": 190.32, "text": "Passionate about quarterly synergy should replace every excuse you've ever given anybody."}, {"start": 190.32, "end": 191.32, "text": "Max."}, {"start": 191.32, "end": 195.68, "text": "Jesse's phone auto corrects sorry to sorry working now."}, {"start": 195.68, "end": 197.32, "text": "That's not a glitch."}, {"start": 197.32, "end": 200.16, "text": "That's a diagnosis the phone made on its own."}, {"start": 200.16, "end": 202.0, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 202.0, "end": 205.0, "text": "He tried to send a heartfelt message and it came out."}, {"start": 205.0, "end": 210.88, "text": "I miss you working and the person thought that was a typo, not a lifestyle."}, {"start": 210.88, "end": 212.56, "text": "He didn't correct them."}, {"start": 212.56, "end": 215.28, "text": "Let them think it's a typo."}, {"start": 215.28, "end": 217.48, "text": "Easier than admitting the phone's right."}, {"start": 217.48, "end": 219.52, "text": "My phone knows me better than my exes did."}, {"start": 219.52, "end": 221.2, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 221.2, "end": 226.08, "text": "The phone auto correcting to working as a permanent state is the best character detail"}, {"start": 226.08, "end": 228.04, "text": "in this whole hour."}, {"start": 228.04, "end": 233.6, "text": "Letting them believe it's a typo instead of a lifestyle, that's peak avoidance and it's"}, {"start": 233.6, "end": 235.12, "text": "beautiful."}, {"start": 235.12, "end": 236.12, "text": "Gruff."}, {"start": 236.12, "end": 241.68, "text": "Jesse spent Thanksgiving cleaning three houses because everyone else wanted the day off."}, {"start": 241.68, "end": 244.12, "text": "He said grace over a mop bucket."}, {"start": 244.12, "end": 245.12, "text": "Genuinely."}, {"start": 245.12, "end": 246.92, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 246.92, "end": 251.8, "text": "He didn't ask what he was thankful for and he said clients who don't cancel and the"}, {"start": 251.8, "end": 255.24, "text": "room went quiet because that's not gratitude."}, {"start": 255.24, "end": 256.64, "text": "That's a hostage statement."}, {"start": 256.64, "end": 258.12, "text": "He meant it though."}, {"start": 258.12, "end": 259.32, "text": "That's the sad part."}, {"start": 259.32, "end": 261.72, "text": "He really was thankful for that."}, {"start": 261.72, "end": 262.72, "text": "I am."}, {"start": 262.72, "end": 264.96, "text": "Every uncanceled booking is a small miracle."}, {"start": 264.96, "end": 266.64, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 266.64, "end": 269.4, "text": "Grace over a mop bucket should be a painting somewhere in a church."}, {"start": 269.4, "end": 271.16, "text": "Nobody attends."}, {"start": 271.16, "end": 276.4, "text": "Clients who don't cancel as genuine gratitude is the most honest Thanksgiving toast I've"}, {"start": 276.4, "end": 279.56, "text": "ever heard and it's devastating."}, {"start": 279.56, "end": 280.56, "text": "Anthony."}, {"start": 280.56, "end": 283.16, "text": "Jesse tried dating apps again after a break."}, {"start": 283.16, "end": 285.36, "text": "Bio said new to this."}, {"start": 285.36, "end": 287.04, "text": "That was a lie."}, {"start": 287.04, "end": 290.68, "text": "He's the most experienced disappointed person on the app."}, {"start": 290.68, "end": 293.28, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 293.28, "end": 297.44, "text": "Someone matched with him and asked what he's passionate about and he accidentally sent"}, {"start": 297.44, "end": 303.2, "text": "the same quarterly synergy line from the work meeting and she thought he was in finance."}, {"start": 303.2, "end": 306.72, "text": "He let her think that too for three dates."}, {"start": 306.72, "end": 311.08, "text": "Turns out lying about your job is easier than explaining you clean houses and host open"}, {"start": 311.08, "end": 313.52, "text": "mics for free exposure."}, {"start": 313.52, "end": 315.32, "text": "Free exposure doesn't pay light bills."}, {"start": 315.32, "end": 317.12, "text": "Sit down, roast."}, {"start": 317.12, "end": 323.48, "text": "Recycling the same lie across a job interview and a date is efficient, ugly but efficient."}, {"start": 323.48, "end": 325.8, "text": "Three dates on quarterly synergy."}, {"start": 325.8, "end": 328.44, "text": "That phrase is doing more work than he is."}, {"start": 328.44, "end": 330.08, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 330.08, "end": 333.48, "text": "I got a fortune cookie that said a fresh start is coming."}, {"start": 333.48, "end": 335.8, "text": "I opened a second one out of spite."}, {"start": 335.8, "end": 338.92, "text": "It said, you will pay for the first cookie."}, {"start": 338.92, "end": 340.72, "text": "That one felt more accurate."}, {"start": 340.72, "end": 342.28, "text": "Liam again."}, {"start": 342.28, "end": 346.48, "text": "Jesse's holiday tradition now is falling asleep during the movie Everyone's Watching because"}, {"start": 346.48, "end": 349.92, "text": "rest is a seasonal event for him like pumpkins."}, {"start": 349.92, "end": 351.92, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 351.92, "end": 356.8, "text": "He woke up mid movie said the wrong character's name out loud with total confidence and the"}, {"start": 356.8, "end": 360.8, "text": "room just let him have it because correcting him felt like kicking a man already on the"}, {"start": 360.8, "end": 362.32, "text": "ground."}, {"start": 362.32, "end": 365.4, "text": "That's not politeness, that's pity with good manners."}, {"start": 365.4, "end": 367.04, "text": "I'll take pity with good manners."}, {"start": 367.04, "end": 368.4, "text": "Beats pity with none."}, {"start": 368.4, "end": 369.56, "text": "Sit down."}, {"start": 369.56, "end": 370.56, "text": "Roast."}, {"start": 370.56, "end": 376.72, "text": "Pity with good manners is a five word character study of your entire family's patience."}, {"start": 376.72, "end": 379.48, "text": "Falling asleep is a seasonal tradition like pumpkins."}, {"start": 379.48, "end": 381.08, "text": "That's the tag of the year."}, {"start": 381.08, "end": 382.28, "text": "Pause again."}, {"start": 382.28, "end": 387.04, "text": "Jesse's group chat with old friends is just him liking messages three days late because"}, {"start": 387.04, "end": 391.2, "text": "by the time he sees them he's already living in a different emergency."}, {"start": 391.2, "end": 393.0, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 393.0, "end": 397.8, "text": "Somebody asked in the group chat if he was even alive and he responded four days later with"}, {"start": 397.8, "end": 401.72, "text": "just yes and everyone agreed that tracked perfectly."}, {"start": 401.72, "end": 402.72, "text": "Efficient?"}, {"start": 402.72, "end": 403.72, "text": "Honest."}, {"start": 403.72, "end": 406.72, "text": "Deeply concerning to everyone but him."}, {"start": 406.72, "end": 407.72, "text": "Everyone's worried but me."}, {"start": 407.72, "end": 409.04, "text": "I've got jobs to do."}, {"start": 409.04, "end": 410.04, "text": "Sit down."}, {"start": 410.04, "end": 411.04, "text": "Roast."}, {"start": 411.04, "end": 412.04, "text": "Stay late."}, {"start": 412.04, "end": 417.12, "text": "Yes, being considered on brand is the saddest vote of confidence I've heard."}, {"start": 417.12, "end": 420.96, "text": "Living in a different emergency should be on a business card."}, {"start": 420.96, "end": 421.96, "text": "Yours."}, {"start": 421.96, "end": 424.08, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 424.08, "end": 425.08, "text": "Last one."}, {"start": 425.08, "end": 427.56, "text": "Someone asked what my New Year's resolution was again this year."}, {"start": 427.56, "end": 429.36, "text": "I said the same three things."}, {"start": 429.36, "end": 432.0, "text": "One job, one woman, one working arm."}, {"start": 432.0, "end": 433.24, "text": "They asked how that's going."}, {"start": 433.24, "end": 434.96, "text": "I said ask me next year."}, {"start": 434.96, "end": 435.96, "text": "Same time."}, {"start": 435.96, "end": 436.96, "text": "Same stage."}, {"start": 436.96, "end": 437.96, "text": "Same mop."}, {"start": 437.96, "end": 439.8, "text": "Before we close, four X's."}, {"start": 439.8, "end": 440.8, "text": "Fast round."}, {"start": 440.8, "end": 442.64, "text": "In each then the damage."}, {"start": 442.64, "end": 443.64, "text": "The planner."}, {"start": 443.64, "end": 444.64, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 444.64, "end": 447.0, "text": "She had a five year plan by day four."}, {"start": 447.0, "end": 450.0, "text": "Jesse hadn't planned past Thursday in a decade."}, {"start": 450.0, "end": 452.08, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 452.08, "end": 455.8, "text": "She showed him a spreadsheet with anniversary dates already filled in and he asked if there"}, {"start": 455.8, "end": 460.76, "text": "was a column for still employed because that felt like the more pressing variable."}, {"start": 460.76, "end": 462.6, "text": "She said he was missing the vision."}, {"start": 462.6, "end": 464.8, "text": "He said he was missing rent."}, {"start": 464.8, "end": 466.12, "text": "Both were true."}, {"start": 466.12, "end": 468.04, "text": "Only one got him dumped."}, {"start": 468.04, "end": 471.08, "text": "His expensive rents to Friday sit down roast."}, {"start": 471.08, "end": 476.4, "text": "The spreadsheet with pre-filled anniversaries is the funniest prop in this whole hour."}, {"start": 476.4, "end": 478.92, "text": "Don't cut it for time."}, {"start": 478.92, "end": 481.84, "text": "Missing rent, beating, missing the vision."}, {"start": 481.84, "end": 485.32, "text": "As a comeback, is the whole man in one trade."}, {"start": 485.32, "end": 487.04, "text": "The ghost Aussie."}, {"start": 487.04, "end": 488.84, "text": "She vanished for three months."}, {"start": 488.84, "end": 490.88, "text": "No text, no word."}, {"start": 490.88, "end": 494.36, "text": "Then resurfaced asking if he still had her charger."}, {"start": 494.36, "end": 496.12, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 496.12, "end": 500.12, "text": "He said yes, held onto it the whole time like evidence."}, {"start": 500.12, "end": 504.36, "text": "And when she finally came to get it, he'd started charging his own phone with it out of"}, {"start": 504.36, "end": 507.0, "text": "spite and pure petty economics."}, {"start": 507.0, "end": 508.44, "text": "She got the charger back."}, {"start": 508.44, "end": 509.76, "text": "He got nothing."}, {"start": 509.76, "end": 511.2, "text": "That's not closure."}, {"start": 511.2, "end": 513.76, "text": "That's a property dispute with feelings."}, {"start": 513.76, "end": 516.48, "text": "A property dispute with feelings is my whole love life."}, {"start": 516.48, "end": 518.08, "text": "Sit down roast."}, {"start": 518.08, "end": 522.32, "text": "Using her charger out of spite for three months is the most passive, aggressive act of survival"}, {"start": 522.32, "end": 523.64, "text": "I've ever heard."}, {"start": 523.64, "end": 526.08, "text": "A property dispute with feelings."}, {"start": 526.08, "end": 527.28, "text": "Frame that."}, {"start": 527.28, "end": 528.76, "text": "Put it in the lobby."}, {"start": 528.76, "end": 530.48, "text": "The auditor, Liam."}, {"start": 530.48, "end": 534.32, "text": "Date one, she asked about his credit score before his last name."}, {"start": 534.32, "end": 536.24, "text": "He respected the priorities."}, {"start": 536.24, "end": 537.96, "text": "He failed the audit anyway."}, {"start": 537.96, "end": 539.88, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 539.88, "end": 542.56, "text": "She pulled up a mental checklist out loud."}, {"start": 542.56, "end": 548.28, "text": "Job stability, car payment, savings, and he kept answering honestly, hoping honesty would"}, {"start": 548.28, "end": 550.8, "text": "count as a point in his favor."}, {"start": 550.8, "end": 553.56, "text": "It did not count as a point in his favor."}, {"start": 553.56, "end": 556.0, "text": "He still showed up for date two."}, {"start": 556.0, "end": 557.0, "text": "That's not hope."}, {"start": 557.0, "end": 559.2, "text": "That's a man who didn't read his own numbers."}, {"start": 559.2, "end": 561.12, "text": "I never read my own numbers."}, {"start": 561.12, "end": 562.92, "text": "Ignorance is the only budget plan I trust."}, {"start": 562.92, "end": 564.92, "text": "Sit down roast."}, {"start": 564.92, "end": 568.44, "text": "Answering the credit audit honestly, hoping it helps."}, {"start": 568.44, "end": 573.28, "text": "That's the saddest strategy in dating history and it's still funnier than lying."}, {"start": 573.28, "end": 578.04, "text": "Showing up for date two after failing the audit is either optimism or a warning label,"}, {"start": 578.04, "end": 579.52, "text": "probably both."}, {"start": 579.52, "end": 581.48, "text": "The chaos agent, Max."}, {"start": 581.48, "end": 586.12, "text": "She turned a grocery run into a three-hour adventure that ended with a stranger's dog,"}, {"start": 586.12, "end": 588.96, "text": "a parking ticket and no groceries."}, {"start": 588.96, "end": 590.6, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 590.6, "end": 595.68, "text": "Jesse asked what happened to the groceries and she said, we grew as people instead."}, {"start": 595.68, "end": 598.76, "text": "And somehow he nodded like that was a real trade."}, {"start": 598.76, "end": 601.92, "text": "He went home with a parking ticket and zero food."}, {"start": 601.92, "end": 603.32, "text": "That's not chaos."}, {"start": 603.32, "end": 605.64, "text": "That's a hurricane with a personality."}, {"start": 605.64, "end": 606.96, "text": "I've dated the hurricane."}, {"start": 606.96, "end": 608.96, "text": "I've also dated the aftermath."}, {"start": 608.96, "end": 609.96, "text": "Same address."}, {"start": 609.96, "end": 610.96, "text": "Sit down."}, {"start": 611.96, "end": 617.96, "text": "We grew as people instead of buying groceries should be printed on a receipt and framed."}, {"start": 617.96, "end": 621.64, "text": "Zero food, one parking ticket and he nodded along."}, {"start": 621.64, "end": 622.64, "text": "That's not a date."}, {"start": 622.64, "end": 625.8, "text": "That's a natural disaster with a follow-up text."}, {"start": 625.8, "end": 627.48, "text": "Call him, close it out."}, {"start": 627.48, "end": 629.84, "text": "Jesse doesn't chase closure anymore."}, {"start": 629.84, "end": 633.2, "text": "He just collects material and calls it healing."}, {"start": 633.2, "end": 635.04, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 635.04, "end": 638.56, "text": "Someone asked if he's happy and he said, I'm booked."}, {"start": 638.56, "end": 642.76, "text": "And somehow that answered the question better than a real answer would have."}, {"start": 642.76, "end": 647.76, "text": "Book doesn't happy, but it pays and some weeks that's close enough."}, {"start": 647.76, "end": 649.0, "text": "Close enough is the whole show."}, {"start": 649.0, "end": 650.0, "text": "Sit down."}, {"start": 650.0, "end": 651.0, "text": "That's the closer."}, {"start": 651.0, "end": 653.32, "text": "Don't follow it with anything."}, {"start": 653.32, "end": 655.28, "text": "Book doesn't happy, but it pays."}, {"start": 655.28, "end": 657.12, "text": "Put that on the poster."}, {"start": 657.12, "end": 658.36, "text": "That's the hour."}, {"start": 658.36, "end": 659.44, "text": "Volume two."}, {"start": 659.44, "end": 660.44, "text": "Same broke man."}, {"start": 660.44, "end": 661.44, "text": "New material."}, {"start": 661.44, "end": 662.44, "text": "Same mop."}, {"start": 662.44, "end": 663.96, "text": "Comics keep their mouths."}, {"start": 663.96, "end": 665.6, "text": "I keep the mic."}, {"start": 665.6, "end": 666.6, "text": "Send giggles."}, {"start": 666.6, "end": 667.08, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy, laughs and giggles, filthy hour, volume two, new material, same broke man. Comic gets a minute, then we talk shit about the jokes. This next one is fake. Calum. Jesse's ex texted him, happy birthday this year. First, contact in two years. He read it eleven times, looking for a hidden meaning. This next one is fake. He texted back, thanks means a lot. Then deleted it, then sent a shorter one, then deleted that, then just sent a thumbs up like a coward with a business degree in regret. The thumbs up took 40 minutes to send. That's not closure. That's a hostage negotiation with a phone. Every text is a hostage negotiation with me. Sit down, roast. 40 minutes on a thumbs up. That's the whole man in one detail. Don't add anything after that. The eleven rereads for hidden meaning is the real diagnosis. He's not over it, he's forensic about it. Aussie. Jesse went to therapy for the first time this year. The therapist asked what brought him in. He said everything, like a man ordering the combo meal of trauma. This next one is fake. Halfway through the session, he started cleaning the office out of nervous habit and the therapist just let him. Because apparently that's cheaper than actual progress. 50 minutes, 40 of it spent organizing her bookshelf by color. That's not therapy. That's a house call with feelings attached. At least the bookshelves fixed. Sit down, roast. A house call with feelings attached should be the name of your autobiography. The therapist letting him clean instead of doing the work is the real punchline. She gave up on him faster than his exes did. Liam. Jesse joined a gym. Not to get in shape. To have somewhere warm to sit between jobs that isn't the car. This next one is fake. A trainer approached him and asked about his fitness goals and he said, survive until 9 pm and the trainer wrote that down like it was a real answer because technically it was. Now he's got a workout plan built entirely around not falling asleep on the treadmill. Survive until nine is the only cardio I trust. Sit down, roast. The trainer writing it down like a real goal is the tragedy. Nobody corrected him. A workout plan built around not falling asleep. That's not fitness. That's OSHA compliance. Chris. Jesse went to a work meeting on his day off by accident. Nobody told him it got moved. He sat there for 20 minutes before anyone noticed he doesn't work there anymore. This next one is fake. And they finally asked why he was there. He said he was just passionate about quarterly synergy and somehow that answer worked better than the truth. Passion covers for confusion every single time. That's the whole economy. Passion's the only thing I've got that's still free. Sit down, roast. 20 minutes before anyone noticed is a horror movie not a joke and it's still funny. Passionate about quarterly synergy should replace every excuse you've ever given anybody. Max. Jesse's phone auto corrects sorry to sorry working now. That's not a glitch. That's a diagnosis the phone made on its own. This next one is fake. He tried to send a heartfelt message and it came out. I miss you working and the person thought that was a typo, not a lifestyle. He didn't correct them. Let them think it's a typo. Easier than admitting the phone's right. My phone knows me better than my exes did. Sit down, roast. The phone auto correcting to working as a permanent state is the best character detail in this whole hour. Letting them believe it's a typo instead of a lifestyle, that's peak avoidance and it's beautiful. Gruff. Jesse spent Thanksgiving cleaning three houses because everyone else wanted the day off. He said grace over a mop bucket. Genuinely. This next one is fake. He didn't ask what he was thankful for and he said clients who don't cancel and the room went quiet because that's not gratitude. That's a hostage statement. He meant it though. That's the sad part. He really was thankful for that. I am. Every uncanceled booking is a small miracle. Sit down, roast. Grace over a mop bucket should be a painting somewhere in a church. Nobody attends. Clients who don't cancel as genuine gratitude is the most honest Thanksgiving toast I've ever heard and it's devastating. Anthony. Jesse tried dating apps again after a break. Bio said new to this. That was a lie. He's the most experienced disappointed person on the app. This next one is fake. Someone matched with him and asked what he's passionate about and he accidentally sent the same quarterly synergy line from the work meeting and she thought he was in finance. He let her think that too for three dates. Turns out lying about your job is easier than explaining you clean houses and host open mics for free exposure. Free exposure doesn't pay light bills. Sit down, roast. Recycling the same lie across a job interview and a date is efficient, ugly but efficient. Three dates on quarterly synergy. That phrase is doing more work than he is. This next one is fake. I got a fortune cookie that said a fresh start is coming. I opened a second one out of spite. It said, you will pay for the first cookie. That one felt more accurate. Liam again. Jesse's holiday tradition now is falling asleep during the movie Everyone's Watching because rest is a seasonal event for him like pumpkins. This next one is fake. He woke up mid movie said the wrong character's name out loud with total confidence and the room just let him have it because correcting him felt like kicking a man already on the ground. That's not politeness, that's pity with good manners. I'll take pity with good manners. Beats pity with none. Sit down. Roast. Pity with good manners is a five word character study of your entire family's patience. Falling asleep is a seasonal tradition like pumpkins. That's the tag of the year. Pause again. Jesse's group chat with old friends is just him liking messages three days late because by the time he sees them he's already living in a different emergency. This next one is fake. Somebody asked in the group chat if he was even alive and he responded four days later with just yes and everyone agreed that tracked perfectly. Efficient? Honest. Deeply concerning to everyone but him. Everyone's worried but me. I've got jobs to do. Sit down. Roast. Stay late. Yes, being considered on brand is the saddest vote of confidence I've heard. Living in a different emergency should be on a business card. Yours. This next one is fake. Last one. Someone asked what my New Year's resolution was again this year. I said the same three things. One job, one woman, one working arm. They asked how that's going. I said ask me next year. Same time. Same stage. Same mop. Before we close, four X's. Fast round. In each then the damage. The planner. Chris. She had a five year plan by day four. Jesse hadn't planned past Thursday in a decade. This next one is fake. She showed him a spreadsheet with anniversary dates already filled in and he asked if there was a column for still employed because that felt like the more pressing variable. She said he was missing the vision. He said he was missing rent. Both were true. Only one got him dumped. His expensive rents to Friday sit down roast. The spreadsheet with pre-filled anniversaries is the funniest prop in this whole hour. Don't cut it for time. Missing rent, beating, missing the vision. As a comeback, is the whole man in one trade. The ghost Aussie. She vanished for three months. No text, no word. Then resurfaced asking if he still had her charger. This next one is fake. He said yes, held onto it the whole time like evidence. And when she finally came to get it, he'd started charging his own phone with it out of spite and pure petty economics. She got the charger back. He got nothing. That's not closure. That's a property dispute with feelings. A property dispute with feelings is my whole love life. Sit down roast. Using her charger out of spite for three months is the most passive, aggressive act of survival I've ever heard. A property dispute with feelings. Frame that. Put it in the lobby. The auditor, Liam. Date one, she asked about his credit score before his last name. He respected the priorities. He failed the audit anyway. This next one is fake. She pulled up a mental checklist out loud. Job stability, car payment, savings, and he kept answering honestly, hoping honesty would count as a point in his favor. It did not count as a point in his favor. He still showed up for date two. That's not hope. That's a man who didn't read his own numbers. I never read my own numbers. Ignorance is the only budget plan I trust. Sit down roast. Answering the credit audit honestly, hoping it helps. That's the saddest strategy in dating history and it's still funnier than lying. Showing up for date two after failing the audit is either optimism or a warning label, probably both. The chaos agent, Max. She turned a grocery run into a three-hour adventure that ended with a stranger's dog, a parking ticket and no groceries. This next one is fake. Jesse asked what happened to the groceries and she said, we grew as people instead. And somehow he nodded like that was a real trade. He went home with a parking ticket and zero food. That's not chaos. That's a hurricane with a personality. I've dated the hurricane. I've also dated the aftermath. Same address. Sit down. We grew as people instead of buying groceries should be printed on a receipt and framed. Zero food, one parking ticket and he nodded along. That's not a date. That's a natural disaster with a follow-up text. Call him, close it out. Jesse doesn't chase closure anymore. He just collects material and calls it healing. This next one is fake. Someone asked if he's happy and he said, I'm booked. And somehow that answered the question better than a real answer would have. Book doesn't happy, but it pays and some weeks that's close enough. Close enough is the whole show. Sit down. That's the closer. Don't follow it with anything. Book doesn't happy, but it pays. Put that on the poster. That's the hour. Volume two. Same broke man. New material. Same mop. Comics keep their mouths. I keep the mic. Send giggles. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}