{"file": "audio/mouth-tests-2026-09-04/2026-09-04-dating-marriage-fake-ads-FULL.mp3", "duration_sec": 1077.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.3, "text": "This is comedy, laughs and giggles."}, {"start": 2.3, "end": 6.4, "text": "This is a fake ad show, dating apps, marriage apps."}, {"start": 6.4, "end": 9.68, "text": "For fucked up guys who can't get married, single at 50,"}, {"start": 9.68, "end": 13.08, "text": "I'm the customer, I'm the warning label, shit Midas."}, {"start": 13.08, "end": 16.24, "text": "I try, I lose money, I take the wrong girl home."}, {"start": 16.24, "end": 20.64, "text": "Every ad is fake, comics talk, I get the last line."}, {"start": 20.64, "end": 21.64, "text": "Callum."}, {"start": 21.64, "end": 25.24, "text": "This next one is fake, no ring plus."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 28.08, "text": "The dating app for men who said no marriage"}, {"start": 28.08, "end": 31.92, "text": "and still paid for the date, Jessie signed up."}, {"start": 31.92, "end": 36.16, "text": "99 a month, matched with a woman who wanted a plus one"}, {"start": 36.16, "end": 38.48, "text": "for a wedding he would not have."}, {"start": 38.48, "end": 42.64, "text": "He bought the shirt, bought the parking, took her home."}, {"start": 42.64, "end": 46.92, "text": "Wrong girl, she needed a ride to the after party."}, {"start": 46.92, "end": 49.08, "text": "He paid for the after party."}, {"start": 49.08, "end": 53.12, "text": "The app built him for a serious intent upgrade."}, {"start": 53.12, "end": 54.68, "text": "He did not click."}, {"start": 54.68, "end": 56.12, "text": "That's not a match."}, {"start": 56.12, "end": 60.16, "text": "That's a man financing a wedding he swore he would not throw."}, {"start": 60.16, "end": 61.92, "text": "Shit Midas."}, {"start": 61.92, "end": 63.72, "text": "He tried to stay single."}, {"start": 63.72, "end": 66.12, "text": "He bought a tux for a ghost."}, {"start": 66.12, "end": 68.8, "text": "I don't do rings, I do invoices next."}, {"start": 68.8, "end": 69.76, "text": "Aussie."}, {"start": 69.76, "end": 73.12, "text": "This next one is fake, almost husband club."}, {"start": 73.12, "end": 75.88, "text": "You get the title, you don't get the house."}, {"start": 75.88, "end": 79.12, "text": "Jessie paid 199 for a digital certificate"}, {"start": 79.12, "end": 81.0, "text": "that said committed ish."}, {"start": 81.0, "end": 83.4, "text": "A woman in the comments said that's cute."}, {"start": 83.4, "end": 85.68, "text": "He took her home, wrong girl."}, {"start": 85.68, "end": 87.76, "text": "She wanted the certificate framed."}, {"start": 87.76, "end": 90.56, "text": "He paid for the frame, paid for shipping."}, {"start": 90.56, "end": 94.04, "text": "The club charged a renewal because he opened the email."}, {"start": 94.04, "end": 95.44, "text": "That's not a husband."}, {"start": 95.44, "end": 97.16, "text": "That's a man renting a word."}, {"start": 97.16, "end": 98.76, "text": "He tried to look taken."}, {"start": 98.76, "end": 100.32, "text": "He got taken."}, {"start": 100.32, "end": 101.2, "text": "The frame stayed."}, {"start": 101.2, "end": 102.04, "text": "I didn't."}, {"start": 102.04, "end": 103.04, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 103.04, "end": 104.0, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 104.0, "end": 105.52, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 105.52, "end": 108.88, "text": "For ColorQuiz.com, not a lesson."}, {"start": 108.88, "end": 114.28, "text": "A paywall with four buttons, red, green, blue, yellow."}, {"start": 114.28, "end": 117.32, "text": "Jessie hit all four because he couldn't pick a personality."}, {"start": 117.32, "end": 119.88, "text": "The site charged him four times."}, {"start": 119.88, "end": 122.36, "text": "A woman in the chat said you're a handful."}, {"start": 122.36, "end": 123.88, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 123.88, "end": 124.92, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 124.92, "end": 126.8, "text": "She wanted the login."}, {"start": 126.8, "end": 128.84, "text": "He paid for a second seat."}, {"start": 128.84, "end": 130.44, "text": "The quiz never scored him."}, {"start": 130.44, "end": 131.96, "text": "It just billed."}, {"start": 131.96, "end": 133.64, "text": "That's not self-knowledge."}, {"start": 133.64, "end": 136.4, "text": "That's a man buying colors like vitamins."}, {"start": 136.4, "end": 138.68, "text": "He tried to find out who he is."}, {"start": 138.68, "end": 141.24, "text": "The site already knew a card."}, {"start": 141.24, "end": 142.2, "text": "I didn't learn a thing."}, {"start": 142.2, "end": 143.12, "text": "I learned a fee."}, {"start": 143.12, "end": 143.92, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 144.0, "end": 144.92, "text": "Liam."}, {"start": 144.92, "end": 146.44, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 146.44, "end": 148.48, "text": "Colors of my pain."}, {"start": 148.48, "end": 150.12, "text": "Now a cologne."}, {"start": 150.12, "end": 154.56, "text": "Notes of bleach, old receipts, and a man who photographed weddings for 30 years and"}, {"start": 154.56, "end": 156.24, "text": "still went home alone."}, {"start": 156.24, "end": 158.52, "text": "Jessie sprayed it before a date."}, {"start": 158.52, "end": 160.8, "text": "The date said you smell like a job."}, {"start": 160.8, "end": 162.24, "text": "He bought her dinner anyway."}, {"start": 162.24, "end": 163.32, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 163.32, "end": 164.72, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 164.72, "end": 165.84, "text": "She wanted the bottle."}, {"start": 165.84, "end": 167.28, "text": "He paid retail."}, {"start": 167.28, "end": 169.48, "text": "The cologne stained the passenger seat."}, {"start": 169.48, "end": 171.0, "text": "That's not a signature scent."}, {"start": 171.0, "end": 173.2, "text": "That's a memoir you can spill."}, {"start": 173.28, "end": 175.04, "text": "He tried to smell expensive."}, {"start": 175.04, "end": 176.68, "text": "He smelled employed."}, {"start": 176.68, "end": 178.16, "text": "The seat kept the smell."}, {"start": 178.16, "end": 179.88, "text": "That's more loyal than the date."}, {"start": 179.88, "end": 180.88, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 180.88, "end": 181.88, "text": "Gruff."}, {"start": 181.88, "end": 182.88, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 182.88, "end": 183.88, "text": "Red spray."}, {"start": 183.88, "end": 184.88, "text": "Attack the date."}, {"start": 184.88, "end": 185.88, "text": "Not a personality class."}, {"start": 185.88, "end": 186.88, "text": "A can."}, {"start": 186.88, "end": 188.32, "text": "Jessie sprayed a shirt."}, {"start": 188.32, "end": 189.56, "text": "Walked in loud."}, {"start": 189.56, "end": 190.64, "text": "Ordered for two."}, {"start": 190.64, "end": 191.92, "text": "The woman wanted water."}, {"start": 191.92, "end": 192.92, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 192.92, "end": 194.32, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 194.32, "end": 195.64, "text": "She wanted the can."}, {"start": 195.64, "end": 197.2, "text": "He paid for a case."}, {"start": 197.2, "end": 200.12, "text": "Red spray ate a hole in the nightstand."}, {"start": 200.12, "end": 201.12, "text": "That's not confidence."}, {"start": 201.12, "end": 203.24, "text": "That's a chemical with a dating profile."}, {"start": 203.24, "end": 204.72, "text": "He tried to come in hot."}, {"start": 204.72, "end": 207.6, "text": "He left with a stain and a Venmo."}, {"start": 207.6, "end": 208.88, "text": "I don't attack dates."}, {"start": 208.88, "end": 210.2, "text": "Dates attack the card."}, {"start": 210.2, "end": 211.2, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 211.2, "end": 212.2, "text": "Anthony."}, {"start": 212.2, "end": 214.08, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 214.08, "end": 215.52, "text": "Green flashlight."}, {"start": 215.52, "end": 217.04, "text": "Investigate the vibe."}, {"start": 217.04, "end": 218.16, "text": "Not a lecture."}, {"start": 218.16, "end": 220.68, "text": "A light you buy at a rest stop."}, {"start": 220.68, "end": 224.24, "text": "Jessie shown it on a text thread like it was evidence."}, {"start": 224.24, "end": 226.84, "text": "The thread was his own unpaid tab."}, {"start": 226.84, "end": 228.88, "text": "A woman at the bar said you look busy."}, {"start": 228.88, "end": 230.08, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 230.08, "end": 231.08, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 231.08, "end": 233.72, "text": "She wanted the flashlight for her car."}, {"start": 233.72, "end": 234.96, "text": "He paid for batteries."}, {"start": 234.96, "end": 236.8, "text": "Paid for a second light."}, {"start": 236.8, "end": 238.56, "text": "That's not investigating."}, {"start": 238.56, "end": 241.6, "text": "That's a man shopping for clues in his own pocket."}, {"start": 241.6, "end": 243.44, "text": "He tried to see clearly."}, {"start": 243.44, "end": 245.0, "text": "He saw the bill."}, {"start": 245.0, "end": 246.56, "text": "The batteries died honest."}, {"start": 246.56, "end": 247.4, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 247.4, "end": 248.4, "text": "Max."}, {"start": 248.4, "end": 250.36, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 250.36, "end": 251.84, "text": "Blue stretch."}, {"start": 251.84, "end": 253.48, "text": "Adapt until you broke."}, {"start": 253.48, "end": 255.2, "text": "A cream."}, {"start": 255.2, "end": 257.28, "text": "Jessie rubbed it on his pride."}, {"start": 257.28, "end": 260.08, "text": "Went along with a plan that was not his."}, {"start": 260.08, "end": 261.52, "text": "Paid for the plan."}, {"start": 261.52, "end": 262.84, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 262.84, "end": 264.04, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 264.04, "end": 266.28, "text": "She wanted a ride to a second bar."}, {"start": 266.28, "end": 267.88, "text": "He paid that too."}, {"start": 267.88, "end": 269.56, "text": "The cream said flexible."}, {"start": 269.56, "end": 271.2, "text": "His card said no."}, {"start": 271.2, "end": 272.52, "text": "That's not adapting."}, {"start": 272.52, "end": 274.4, "text": "That's a man greasing himself."}, {"start": 274.4, "end": 277.48, "text": "So a stranger can slide him to an ATM."}, {"start": 277.48, "end": 279.28, "text": "He tried to be easy."}, {"start": 279.28, "end": 281.28, "text": "Easy is expensive."}, {"start": 281.28, "end": 283.04, "text": "I stretched the money snapped."}, {"start": 283.04, "end": 284.04, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 284.04, "end": 285.04, "text": "Callum."}, {"start": 285.04, "end": 286.84, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 286.84, "end": 288.48, "text": "Yellow sunglasses."}, {"start": 288.48, "end": 290.04, "text": "This is fine."}, {"start": 290.04, "end": 294.12, "text": "Jessie wore them to a first date so he wouldn't see the flags."}, {"start": 294.12, "end": 295.12, "text": "Not a lesson."}, {"start": 295.12, "end": 298.16, "text": "A $40 pair from a kiosk."}, {"start": 298.16, "end": 300.0, "text": "She said those are ugly."}, {"start": 300.0, "end": 301.88, "text": "He bought her a pair too."}, {"start": 301.88, "end": 303.28, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 303.28, "end": 304.28, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 304.28, "end": 305.92, "text": "She wanted the receipt."}, {"start": 305.92, "end": 308.96, "text": "He paid for two pairs and a scratch warranty."}, {"start": 308.96, "end": 311.76, "text": "The lenses fell out in the parking lot."}, {"start": 311.76, "end": 313.64, "text": "That's not optimism."}, {"start": 313.64, "end": 315.96, "text": "That's a man paying not to look."}, {"start": 315.96, "end": 317.88, "text": "He tried to stay fine."}, {"start": 317.88, "end": 319.6, "text": "He went broke in beige."}, {"start": 319.96, "end": 320.88, "text": "I saw the bill."}, {"start": 320.88, "end": 321.88, "text": "That's enough color."}, {"start": 321.88, "end": 322.88, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 322.88, "end": 323.88, "text": "Ozzy."}, {"start": 323.88, "end": 324.88, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 324.88, "end": 326.88, "text": "Can'tMary.com."}, {"start": 326.88, "end": 330.32, "text": "The marriage app for guys who physically cannot close."}, {"start": 330.32, "end": 332.04, "text": "Jessie made a profile."}, {"start": 332.04, "end": 333.04, "text": "50."}, {"start": 333.04, "end": 334.04, "text": "Filthy."}, {"start": 334.04, "end": 335.04, "text": "No ring."}, {"start": 335.04, "end": 336.04, "text": "Fun."}, {"start": 336.04, "end": 337.04, "text": "No stress."}, {"start": 337.04, "end": 338.32, "text": "The app said that's a warning."}, {"start": 338.32, "end": 339.8, "text": "He paid to boost it."}, {"start": 339.8, "end": 341.48, "text": "A woman liked the boost."}, {"start": 341.48, "end": 342.48, "text": "Not him."}, {"start": 342.48, "end": 343.48, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 343.48, "end": 344.72, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 344.72, "end": 346.84, "text": "She wanted the boost for her own page."}, {"start": 346.84, "end": 348.68, "text": "He paid for her boost."}, {"start": 348.68, "end": 350.12, "text": "It's not a waiting app."}, {"start": 350.12, "end": 353.32, "text": "That's a man buying ads for a woman who will not pick him."}, {"start": 353.32, "end": 356.72, "text": "He tried to get Mary to the idea of not getting married."}, {"start": 356.72, "end": 358.44, "text": "He funded her funnel."}, {"start": 358.44, "end": 360.04, "text": "I boosted a stranger."}, {"start": 360.04, "end": 361.28, "text": "That's my love language."}, {"start": 361.28, "end": 362.28, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 362.28, "end": 363.28, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 363.28, "end": 365.28, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 365.28, "end": 368.28, "text": "Single at 50 starter pack."}, {"start": 368.28, "end": 369.76, "text": "Ibu profan."}, {"start": 369.76, "end": 372.28, "text": "A charging cable that never fits."}, {"start": 372.28, "end": 373.92, "text": "A speech."}, {"start": 373.92, "end": 375.76, "text": "Jessie bought the bundle."}, {"start": 375.76, "end": 377.56, "text": "He used the speech on a woman in line."}, {"start": 377.56, "end": 378.56, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 378.56, "end": 380.64, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 380.64, "end": 382.88, "text": "She wanted the Ibu profan."}, {"start": 382.88, "end": 384.44, "text": "He paid for a refill."}, {"start": 384.44, "end": 387.24, "text": "The cable still didn't fit anything in the house."}, {"start": 387.24, "end": 389.08, "text": "That's not a starter pack."}, {"start": 389.08, "end": 391.4, "text": "That's a man whose whole kid is already tired."}, {"start": 391.4, "end": 392.72, "text": "He tried to be ready."}, {"start": 392.72, "end": 394.52, "text": "He was ready to pay."}, {"start": 394.52, "end": 395.76, "text": "The cable didn't ghost."}, {"start": 395.76, "end": 396.96, "text": "It just never connected."}, {"start": 396.96, "end": 397.96, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 397.96, "end": 398.96, "text": "Liam."}, {"start": 398.96, "end": 400.76, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 400.76, "end": 401.76, "text": "Sorry plus."}, {"start": 401.76, "end": 403.32, "text": "An apology subscription."}, {"start": 403.32, "end": 405.68, "text": "999 a week."}, {"start": 405.68, "end": 407.28, "text": "Jessie auto renewed."}, {"start": 407.28, "end": 410.32, "text": "Sent my bad to a woman he had not even dated yet."}, {"start": 410.32, "end": 411.68, "text": "She said that's interesting."}, {"start": 411.68, "end": 412.68, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 412.68, "end": 413.96, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 413.96, "end": 416.08, "text": "She wanted a refund on a vibe."}, {"start": 416.08, "end": 418.72, "text": "He paid for a month because weekly felt cheap."}, {"start": 418.72, "end": 423.2, "text": "The app sent a bouquet of I fucked up texts at 3am."}, {"start": 423.2, "end": 424.84, "text": "That's not accountability."}, {"start": 424.84, "end": 426.72, "text": "That's a man who prepaid for guilt."}, {"start": 426.72, "end": 428.4, "text": "He tried to get ahead of the fight."}, {"start": 428.4, "end": 429.88, "text": "He bought the fight."}, {"start": 429.88, "end": 430.92, "text": "I didn't know her yet."}, {"start": 430.92, "end": 431.92, "text": "I paid anyway."}, {"start": 431.92, "end": 432.92, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 432.92, "end": 433.92, "text": "Gruff."}, {"start": 433.92, "end": 435.44, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 435.44, "end": 437.56, "text": "Bring up for situationships."}, {"start": 437.56, "end": 438.56, "text": "No lawyer."}, {"start": 438.56, "end": 439.56, "text": "A PDF."}, {"start": 439.56, "end": 441.52, "text": "Jessie filled it out on a first drink."}, {"start": 441.52, "end": 442.52, "text": "She laughed."}, {"start": 442.52, "end": 443.72, "text": "He took that as chemistry."}, {"start": 443.72, "end": 444.72, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 444.72, "end": 445.72, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 445.72, "end": 449.0, "text": "She wanted the PDF as a joke for her group chat."}, {"start": 449.0, "end": 451.52, "text": "He paid the official stamp upsell."}, {"start": 451.52, "end": 453.36, "text": "The stamp was a JPEG."}, {"start": 453.36, "end": 454.76, "text": "That's not protection."}, {"start": 454.76, "end": 457.44, "text": "That's a man notarizing a one night with a printer."}, {"start": 457.44, "end": 459.0, "text": "He tried to keep his money."}, {"start": 459.0, "end": 460.76, "text": "The JPEG took it."}, {"start": 460.76, "end": 462.04, "text": "I stamped air."}, {"start": 462.04, "end": 463.04, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 463.04, "end": 464.04, "text": "Anthony."}, {"start": 464.04, "end": 465.24, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 465.24, "end": 467.4, "text": "Paul's therapy for one."}, {"start": 467.4, "end": 469.04, "text": "Jessie booked a slot."}, {"start": 469.04, "end": 471.16, "text": "Talked about a woman who was not there."}, {"start": 471.16, "end": 475.08, "text": "The therapist was a chatbot with a clipboard photo."}, {"start": 475.08, "end": 477.0, "text": "It billed 50 minutes."}, {"start": 477.0, "end": 478.88, "text": "He took the receptionist home."}, {"start": 478.88, "end": 480.04, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 480.04, "end": 481.6, "text": "She wanted a ride."}, {"start": 481.6, "end": 482.96, "text": "Not a session."}, {"start": 482.96, "end": 485.76, "text": "He paid the copay and the parking."}, {"start": 485.76, "end": 487.56, "text": "That's not healing."}, {"start": 487.56, "end": 490.64, "text": "That's a man arguing with a log-in."}, {"start": 490.64, "end": 492.78, "text": "He tried to work on himself."}, {"start": 492.78, "end": 494.56, "text": "He worked on the card."}, {"start": 494.56, "end": 496.04, "text": "The bot had better boundaries."}, {"start": 496.04, "end": 497.72, "text": "Next, Max."}, {"start": 497.72, "end": 499.6, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 499.6, "end": 503.32, "text": "Left on raid insurance, you pay a premium."}, {"start": 503.32, "end": 505.76, "text": "When she doesn't reply, they send you a gift card"}, {"start": 505.76, "end": 507.32, "text": "and a shrug."}, {"start": 507.32, "end": 510.04, "text": "Jesse filed three claims in one night."}, {"start": 510.04, "end": 513.08, "text": "They denied all three because he texted again."}, {"start": 513.08, "end": 515.72, "text": "A woman finally wrote, who is this?"}, {"start": 515.72, "end": 516.84, "text": "He took a home."}, {"start": 516.84, "end": 518.16, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 518.16, "end": 519.64, "text": "She wanted the gift card."}, {"start": 519.64, "end": 521.64, "text": "He paid the deductible."}, {"start": 521.64, "end": 523.36, "text": "That's not insurance."}, {"start": 523.36, "end": 526.24, "text": "And that's a man buying a hug from a policy."}, {"start": 526.24, "end": 527.96, "text": "He tried to cover the silence."}, {"start": 527.96, "end": 530.16, "text": "The silence had a copay."}, {"start": 530.16, "end": 531.24, "text": "I claimed a ghost."}, {"start": 531.24, "end": 532.32, "text": "They paid in shrug."}, {"start": 532.32, "end": 533.32, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 533.32, "end": 534.32, "text": "Calum."}, {"start": 534.32, "end": 536.36, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 536.36, "end": 539.64, "text": "Wedding registry for men who won't marry."}, {"start": 539.64, "end": 543.52, "text": "Jesse listed a mop, a charger, and a laugh."}, {"start": 543.52, "end": 545.2, "text": "People bought none of it."}, {"start": 545.2, "end": 548.6, "text": "He bought it himself so the page wouldn't look lonely."}, {"start": 548.6, "end": 551.72, "text": "A woman from the site said that's sad hot."}, {"start": 551.72, "end": 552.72, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 552.72, "end": 554.72, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 554.72, "end": 557.04, "text": "She wanted the mop as a bit."}, {"start": 557.04, "end": 560.6, "text": "He paid overnight shipping on a mop he already owned."}, {"start": 560.6, "end": 562.4, "text": "That's not a registry."}, {"start": 562.4, "end": 565.88, "text": "That's a man gifting himself the same job twice."}, {"start": 565.88, "end": 567.64, "text": "He tried to look generous."}, {"start": 567.64, "end": 568.64, "text": "He looked employed."}, {"start": 568.64, "end": 570.32, "text": "I already had the mop."}, {"start": 570.32, "end": 571.32, "text": "I bought the bit."}, {"start": 571.32, "end": 572.32, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 572.32, "end": 573.32, "text": "Aussie."}, {"start": 573.32, "end": 574.88, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 574.88, "end": 575.88, "text": "Ring rental."}, {"start": 575.88, "end": 576.88, "text": "We can't rate."}, {"start": 576.88, "end": 579.92, "text": "Jesse rented a band to look complicated."}, {"start": 579.92, "end": 581.96, "text": "The date asked if it was real."}, {"start": 581.96, "end": 583.64, "text": "He said it's complicated."}, {"start": 583.64, "end": 585.08, "text": "She said that's a no."}, {"start": 585.08, "end": 586.72, "text": "He still took her home."}, {"start": 586.72, "end": 587.88, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 587.88, "end": 589.92, "text": "She wanted the ring for a photo."}, {"start": 589.92, "end": 593.2, "text": "He paid a late fee because the photo took an hour."}, {"start": 593.2, "end": 595.4, "text": "The band turned his finger green."}, {"start": 595.4, "end": 596.4, "text": "Not a lesson."}, {"start": 596.4, "end": 597.4, "text": "A rash."}, {"start": 597.4, "end": 598.4, "text": "That's not jewelry."}, {"start": 598.4, "end": 600.68, "text": "That's a man leasing a lie."}, {"start": 600.68, "end": 602.4, "text": "He tried to look taken."}, {"start": 602.4, "end": 604.68, "text": "The metal filed a claim."}, {"start": 604.68, "end": 605.84, "text": "Green wasn't the brand."}, {"start": 605.84, "end": 607.04, "text": "It was the finger."}, {"start": 607.04, "end": 608.04, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 608.04, "end": 608.88, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 608.88, "end": 610.16, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 610.16, "end": 612.0, "text": "Venmo love."}, {"start": 612.0, "end": 614.0, "text": "Every feeling is a request."}, {"start": 614.0, "end": 617.04, "text": "Jesse sent 20 for good conversation."}, {"start": 617.04, "end": 620.12, "text": "She requested 40 for emotional labor."}, {"start": 620.12, "end": 621.12, "text": "He paid."}, {"start": 621.12, "end": 622.64, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 622.64, "end": 624.16, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 624.16, "end": 627.24, "text": "She requested 60 for gas."}, {"start": 627.24, "end": 629.04, "text": "He paid that too."}, {"start": 629.04, "end": 632.84, "text": "The app suggested a weekly auto pay called situation."}, {"start": 632.84, "end": 635.96, "text": "He clicked yes like a drunk."}, {"start": 635.96, "end": 637.84, "text": "That's not romance."}, {"start": 637.84, "end": 640.6, "text": "This is a man whose heart has a routing number."}, {"start": 640.6, "end": 642.44, "text": "He tried to be generous."}, {"start": 642.44, "end": 644.44, "text": "He became a utility."}, {"start": 644.44, "end": 645.96, "text": "I auto pay to feeling."}, {"start": 645.96, "end": 646.96, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 646.96, "end": 647.96, "text": "Liam."}, {"start": 647.96, "end": 649.8, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 649.8, "end": 650.8, "text": "Double book."}, {"start": 650.8, "end": 653.16, "text": "A calendar for men who can't pick."}, {"start": 653.16, "end": 655.76, "text": "Jesse booked two coffees at the same hour."}, {"start": 655.76, "end": 657.76, "text": "Payed a cancellation on both."}, {"start": 657.76, "end": 661.48, "text": "A third woman saw the pile up and thought he was busy famous."}, {"start": 661.48, "end": 663.44, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 663.44, "end": 664.92, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 664.92, "end": 667.48, "text": "She wanted the calendar invite as clout."}, {"start": 667.48, "end": 670.44, "text": "He paid to upgrade the app so it would hide the shame."}, {"start": 670.44, "end": 672.6, "text": "The shame had a reminder."}, {"start": 672.6, "end": 673.92, "text": "That's not game."}, {"start": 673.92, "end": 676.04, "text": "That's a man scheduling his own robbery."}, {"start": 676.04, "end": 677.8, "text": "He tried to keep options."}, {"start": 677.8, "end": 678.8, "text": "Options build."}, {"start": 678.8, "end": 679.8, "text": "I canceled me."}, {"start": 679.8, "end": 681.88, "text": "They kept the deposit next."}, {"start": 681.88, "end": 682.88, "text": "Growth."}, {"start": 682.88, "end": 684.48, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 684.48, "end": 686.12, "text": "Restop marriage kiosk."}, {"start": 686.12, "end": 687.12, "text": "Insert card."}, {"start": 687.12, "end": 689.4, "text": "Print a license that is not legal."}, {"start": 689.4, "end": 691.32, "text": "Jesse printed one as a joke."}, {"start": 691.32, "end": 694.6, "text": "A woman waiting for the bathroom said that's wild."}, {"start": 694.6, "end": 696.2, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 696.2, "end": 697.2, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 697.24, "end": 699.48, "text": "She wanted a copy for a friend."}, {"start": 699.48, "end": 700.92, "text": "He printed five."}, {"start": 700.92, "end": 705.2, "text": "The kiosk charged per page like a copier from a rest stop."}, {"start": 705.2, "end": 706.72, "text": "That's not a marriage."}, {"start": 706.72, "end": 711.48, "text": "That's a man buying paper that says taken and still going home"}, {"start": 711.48, "end": 712.72, "text": "with a stranger."}, {"start": 712.72, "end": 714.6, "text": "He tried to make it funny."}, {"start": 714.6, "end": 717.0, "text": "The kiosk made it rain."}, {"start": 717.0, "end": 717.92, "text": "I printed a lie."}, {"start": 717.92, "end": 718.96, "text": "It still cost."}, {"start": 718.96, "end": 719.84, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 719.84, "end": 720.84, "text": "Anthony."}, {"start": 720.84, "end": 722.72, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 722.72, "end": 723.76, "text": "Expired date."}, {"start": 723.76, "end": 725.2, "text": "Group on."}, {"start": 725.2, "end": 727.0, "text": "Two for one feelings."}, {"start": 727.0, "end": 728.8, "text": "Jesse bought it on a Tuesday."}, {"start": 728.8, "end": 732.08, "text": "Redeemed it on a woman who wanted sushi."}, {"start": 732.08, "end": 733.84, "text": "The code was dead."}, {"start": 733.84, "end": 736.32, "text": "He paid full price twice."}, {"start": 736.32, "end": 737.76, "text": "Took her home."}, {"start": 737.76, "end": 739.0, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 739.0, "end": 741.4, "text": "She wanted the sushi more than the bit."}, {"start": 741.4, "end": 743.92, "text": "He paid the tip like it was alimony."}, {"start": 743.92, "end": 745.6, "text": "That's not a deal."}, {"start": 745.6, "end": 749.72, "text": "That's a man whose coupon has better timing than he does."}, {"start": 749.72, "end": 751.16, "text": "He tried to save."}, {"start": 751.16, "end": 752.76, "text": "He spent double."}, {"start": 752.76, "end": 753.88, "text": "The code died first."}, {"start": 753.88, "end": 755.0, "text": "That's the only honest part."}, {"start": 755.0, "end": 755.92, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 755.92, "end": 756.8, "text": "Max."}, {"start": 756.8, "end": 758.6, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 758.6, "end": 760.24, "text": "Wrong chat."}, {"start": 760.24, "end": 763.28, "text": "A voice note app that sends your horny to the group."}, {"start": 763.28, "end": 765.64, "text": "Jesse recorded, come over."}, {"start": 765.64, "end": 768.36, "text": "It landed in a thread of people he owes money."}, {"start": 768.36, "end": 771.32, "text": "One woman in that thread said that's bold."}, {"start": 771.32, "end": 772.6, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 772.6, "end": 774.04, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 774.04, "end": 775.4, "text": "She wanted the money."}, {"start": 775.4, "end": 776.68, "text": "Not the moon."}, {"start": 776.68, "end": 780.64, "text": "He paid a message unsend fee that did not unsend."}, {"start": 780.64, "end": 782.2, "text": "That's not dirty talk."}, {"start": 782.2, "end": 785.36, "text": "That's a man broadcasting a heart onto his debts."}, {"start": 785.36, "end": 786.76, "text": "He tried to be private."}, {"start": 786.8, "end": 789.48, "text": "He went public and poor."}, {"start": 789.48, "end": 790.56, "text": "I unsolved nothing."}, {"start": 790.56, "end": 791.32, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 791.32, "end": 792.32, "text": "Callum."}, {"start": 792.32, "end": 793.92, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 793.92, "end": 795.4, "text": "Share location."}, {"start": 795.4, "end": 796.84, "text": "Dating feature."}, {"start": 796.84, "end": 799.8, "text": "Jesse turned it on so she would feel safe."}, {"start": 799.8, "end": 802.08, "text": "The pin took him to an ATM."}, {"start": 802.08, "end": 803.92, "text": "She said that's convenient."}, {"start": 803.92, "end": 805.44, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 805.44, "end": 806.64, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 806.64, "end": 808.16, "text": "She needed cash."}, {"start": 808.16, "end": 809.84, "text": "He hit the limit."}, {"start": 809.84, "end": 813.8, "text": "The app sold the pin to a nearby singles pack."}, {"start": 813.8, "end": 815.84, "text": "He paid to turn it off."}, {"start": 815.84, "end": 817.4, "text": "That's not safety."}, {"start": 817.4, "end": 820.84, "text": "That's a man whose heart has Bluetooth and a fee."}, {"start": 820.84, "end": 822.32, "text": "He tried to be found."}, {"start": 822.32, "end": 824.12, "text": "He got withdrawn."}, {"start": 824.12, "end": 825.6, "text": "The pin snitch to the bank."}, {"start": 825.6, "end": 826.6, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 826.6, "end": 827.52, "text": "Ozzy."}, {"start": 827.52, "end": 829.4, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 829.4, "end": 831.12, "text": "Are you my girlfriend?"}, {"start": 831.12, "end": 832.2, "text": "A bot."}, {"start": 832.2, "end": 834.44, "text": "Jesse asked it every night."}, {"start": 834.44, "end": 837.76, "text": "The bot said, please upgrade for a real answer."}, {"start": 837.76, "end": 839.2, "text": "He upgraded."}, {"start": 839.2, "end": 843.36, "text": "A woman saw the screenshot and thought it was performance art."}, {"start": 843.36, "end": 844.6, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 844.6, "end": 845.76, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 845.76, "end": 848.44, "text": "She wanted the screenshot for her story."}, {"start": 848.44, "end": 850.76, "text": "He paid for a watermark removal."}, {"start": 850.76, "end": 853.12, "text": "The bot still said it's complicated."}, {"start": 853.12, "end": 854.6, "text": "That's not a girlfriend."}, {"start": 854.6, "end": 857.28, "text": "That's a man in a relationship with a paywall."}, {"start": 857.28, "end": 859.12, "text": "He tried to get clarity."}, {"start": 859.12, "end": 860.6, "text": "He got a tear."}, {"start": 860.6, "end": 861.52, "text": "It's complicated."}, {"start": 861.52, "end": 862.32, "text": "That's the product."}, {"start": 862.32, "end": 863.16, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 863.16, "end": 864.16, "text": "Chris."}, {"start": 864.16, "end": 866.04, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 866.04, "end": 868.16, "text": "Shit might as match."}, {"start": 868.16, "end": 869.92, "text": "The app that guarantees you will lose money"}, {"start": 869.92, "end": 871.8, "text": "and take the wrong girl home."}, {"start": 871.8, "end": 873.36, "text": "Jesse thought that's honest."}, {"start": 873.36, "end": 874.84, "text": "Paid the lifetime."}, {"start": 874.84, "end": 877.88, "text": "Matched in four minutes, took her home."}, {"start": 877.88, "end": 879.48, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 879.48, "end": 882.28, "text": "She wanted the lifetime for her cousin."}, {"start": 882.28, "end": 884.08, "text": "He bought a second lifetime."}, {"start": 884.08, "end": 887.36, "text": "The app refunded nothing because the guarantee already hit."}, {"start": 887.36, "end": 889.84, "text": "That's not a scam if they tell you."}, {"start": 889.84, "end": 892.44, "text": "That's a man who paid to be correctly cursed."}, {"start": 892.44, "end": 894.48, "text": "He tried to beat the product."}, {"start": 894.48, "end": 896.16, "text": "The product was him."}, {"start": 896.16, "end": 897.32, "text": "I was the guarantee."}, {"start": 897.32, "end": 898.16, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 898.16, "end": 898.96, "text": "Liam."}, {"start": 898.96, "end": 900.48, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 900.48, "end": 901.84, "text": "Plus one mop."}, {"start": 901.84, "end": 905.32, "text": "Bring a mop to the wedding you won't have."}, {"start": 905.32, "end": 907.44, "text": "Jesse listed it as his date."}, {"start": 907.44, "end": 909.8, "text": "A woman thought that was funny hot."}, {"start": 909.8, "end": 911.36, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 911.36, "end": 912.48, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 912.48, "end": 914.6, "text": "She wanted the mop for a spill."}, {"start": 914.6, "end": 917.72, "text": "He paid for a nicer mop so it would photograph."}, {"start": 917.72, "end": 919.92, "text": "The mop did better in the pictures."}, {"start": 919.92, "end": 921.32, "text": "That's not a date."}, {"start": 921.32, "end": 924.16, "text": "That's a man whose best partner rings out."}, {"start": 924.16, "end": 925.88, "text": "He tried to look taken."}, {"start": 925.88, "end": 927.16, "text": "He looked wet."}, {"start": 927.16, "end": 928.36, "text": "The mop doesn't swipe."}, {"start": 928.36, "end": 929.76, "text": "That's why it stays."}, {"start": 929.76, "end": 930.76, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 930.76, "end": 931.76, "text": "Gruff."}, {"start": 931.76, "end": 933.56, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 933.56, "end": 935.08, "text": "Cash only romance?"}, {"start": 935.08, "end": 936.08, "text": "No card?"}, {"start": 936.08, "end": 937.08, "text": "No app?"}, {"start": 937.08, "end": 938.08, "text": "Just bills."}, {"start": 938.08, "end": 941.12, "text": "Jesse brought an envelope to a drink."}, {"start": 941.12, "end": 943.0, "text": "She said that's weird."}, {"start": 943.0, "end": 944.28, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 944.28, "end": 946.32, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 946.32, "end": 947.76, "text": "She wanted the envelope."}, {"start": 947.76, "end": 951.56, "text": "He had a second envelope for emergencies."}, {"start": 951.56, "end": 952.88, "text": "She got that too."}, {"start": 952.88, "end": 954.2, "text": "That's not old school."}, {"start": 954.2, "end": 957.44, "text": "That's a man whose love languages withdrawal."}, {"start": 957.44, "end": 961.64, "text": "He tried to keep it simple, simple left with the cash."}, {"start": 961.64, "end": 962.72, "text": "I don't do apps."}, {"start": 962.72, "end": 964.4, "text": "I do envelopes that leave."}, {"start": 964.4, "end": 965.4, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 965.4, "end": 966.4, "text": "Anthony."}, {"start": 966.4, "end": 968.56, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 968.56, "end": 969.72, "text": "Soft launch lab."}, {"start": 969.72, "end": 970.84, "text": "You don't post her."}, {"start": 970.84, "end": 973.4, "text": "You pay to almost post her."}, {"start": 973.4, "end": 975.4, "text": "Jesse bought three almost."}, {"start": 975.4, "end": 979.28, "text": "A woman saw the blurred photo and asked if that was her."}, {"start": 979.28, "end": 981.08, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 981.08, "end": 982.52, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 982.52, "end": 984.12, "text": "She wanted the unblur."}, {"start": 984.12, "end": 985.76, "text": "He paid the unblur."}, {"start": 985.76, "end": 987.4, "text": "It was a mop."}, {"start": 987.4, "end": 989.2, "text": "That's not a soft launch."}, {"start": 989.2, "end": 991.72, "text": "That's a man teasing a bucket."}, {"start": 991.72, "end": 994.12, "text": "He tried to look mysterious."}, {"start": 994.12, "end": 995.6, "text": "He looked like cleaning."}, {"start": 995.6, "end": 996.84, "text": "I unblur'd a mop."}, {"start": 996.84, "end": 997.84, "text": "That's the brand."}, {"start": 997.84, "end": 998.84, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 998.84, "end": 999.84, "text": "Max."}, {"start": 999.84, "end": 1001.16, "text": "This next one is fake."}, {"start": 1001.16, "end": 1002.16, "text": "Exclusive."}, {"start": 1002.16, "end": 1003.68, "text": "99 a week."}, {"start": 1003.68, "end": 1005.36, "text": "Matches nobody."}, {"start": 1005.36, "end": 1008.8, "text": "Jesse stayed because exclusive felt like a personality."}, {"start": 1008.8, "end": 1009.96, "text": "Week 4."}, {"start": 1009.96, "end": 1011.24, "text": "One match."}, {"start": 1011.24, "end": 1012.84, "text": "He took her home."}, {"start": 1012.84, "end": 1013.88, "text": "Wrong girl."}, {"start": 1013.88, "end": 1016.44, "text": "She was a brand ambassador for exclusive."}, {"start": 1016.44, "end": 1018.24, "text": "She wanted a testimonial."}, {"start": 1018.24, "end": 1020.32, "text": "He paid for the testimonial too."}, {"start": 1020.32, "end": 1021.8, "text": "That's not exclusive."}, {"start": 1021.8, "end": 1024.12, "text": "That's a man in a waiting room with a credit card."}, {"start": 1024.12, "end": 1025.68, "text": "He tried to be picked."}, {"start": 1025.68, "end": 1027.08, "text": "He was billed."}, {"start": 1027.08, "end": 1029.4, "text": "I waited in a velvet rope made of fees."}, {"start": 1029.4, "end": 1030.96, "text": "That's the last ad."}, {"start": 1030.96, "end": 1031.96, "text": "That's the block."}, {"start": 1031.96, "end": 1033.32, "text": "No ring plus."}, {"start": 1033.32, "end": 1034.32, "text": "Almost husband."}, {"start": 1034.32, "end": 1036.32, "text": "Four color quiz dot com."}, {"start": 1036.32, "end": 1037.84, "text": "Colors of my pain cologne."}, {"start": 1037.84, "end": 1038.84, "text": "Red spray."}, {"start": 1038.84, "end": 1039.84, "text": "Green flashlight."}, {"start": 1039.84, "end": 1040.84, "text": "Blue stretch."}, {"start": 1040.84, "end": 1041.84, "text": "Yellow sunglasses."}, {"start": 1041.84, "end": 1042.84, "text": "Can't marry."}, {"start": 1042.84, "end": 1044.48, "text": "50 starter pack."}, {"start": 1044.48, "end": 1045.8, "text": "Sorry plus."}, {"start": 1045.8, "end": 1046.8, "text": "Turn up pdf."}, {"start": 1046.8, "end": 1048.36, "text": "Therapy for one."}, {"start": 1048.36, "end": 1050.04, "text": "Left on read insurance."}, {"start": 1050.04, "end": 1051.04, "text": "Registry."}, {"start": 1051.04, "end": 1052.04, "text": "Ring rental."}, {"start": 1052.04, "end": 1053.04, "text": "Venmo love."}, {"start": 1053.04, "end": 1054.04, "text": "Double book."}, {"start": 1054.04, "end": 1055.04, "text": "Rest stop."}, {"start": 1055.04, "end": 1056.04, "text": "Kiosk."}, {"start": 1056.04, "end": 1057.04, "text": "Dead group on."}, {"start": 1057.04, "end": 1058.04, "text": "Wrong chat."}, {"start": 1058.04, "end": 1059.04, "text": "Share location."}, {"start": 1059.04, "end": 1060.04, "text": "Girlfriend bot."}, {"start": 1060.04, "end": 1061.04, "text": "Shit might as match."}, {"start": 1061.04, "end": 1062.04, "text": "Plus one mop."}, {"start": 1062.04, "end": 1063.04, "text": "Cash envelope."}, {"start": 1063.04, "end": 1064.04, "text": "Soft launch mop."}, {"start": 1064.04, "end": 1065.04, "text": "Exclusive."}, {"start": 1065.04, "end": 1066.04, "text": "Nobody."}, {"start": 1066.04, "end": 1067.04, "text": "I tried."}, {"start": 1067.04, "end": 1068.04, "text": "I lost money."}, {"start": 1068.04, "end": 1069.44, "text": "I took the wrong girl home."}, {"start": 1069.44, "end": 1070.44, "text": "Every time."}, {"start": 1070.44, "end": 1072.44, "text": "If you left, you live forever."}, {"start": 1072.44, "end": 1074.4, "text": "If you didn't, the ad is dead."}, {"start": 1074.4, "end": 1075.96, "text": "I still mop."}, {"start": 1075.96, "end": 1077.76, "text": "Last line is mine, mother fuckers."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is comedy, laughs and giggles. This is a fake ad show, dating apps, marriage apps. For fucked up guys who can't get married, single at 50, I'm the customer, I'm the warning label, shit Midas. I try, I lose money, I take the wrong girl home. Every ad is fake, comics talk, I get the last line. Callum. This next one is fake, no ring plus. The dating app for men who said no marriage and still paid for the date, Jessie signed up. 99 a month, matched with a woman who wanted a plus one for a wedding he would not have. He bought the shirt, bought the parking, took her home. Wrong girl, she needed a ride to the after party. He paid for the after party. The app built him for a serious intent upgrade. He did not click. That's not a match. That's a man financing a wedding he swore he would not throw. Shit Midas. He tried to stay single. He bought a tux for a ghost. I don't do rings, I do invoices next. Aussie. This next one is fake, almost husband club. You get the title, you don't get the house. Jessie paid 199 for a digital certificate that said committed ish. A woman in the comments said that's cute. He took her home, wrong girl. She wanted the certificate framed. He paid for the frame, paid for shipping. The club charged a renewal because he opened the email. That's not a husband. That's a man renting a word. He tried to look taken. He got taken. The frame stayed. I didn't. Next. Chris. This next one is fake. For ColorQuiz.com, not a lesson. A paywall with four buttons, red, green, blue, yellow. Jessie hit all four because he couldn't pick a personality. The site charged him four times. A woman in the chat said you're a handful. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the login. He paid for a second seat. The quiz never scored him. It just billed. That's not self-knowledge. That's a man buying colors like vitamins. He tried to find out who he is. The site already knew a card. I didn't learn a thing. I learned a fee. Next. Liam. This next one is fake. Colors of my pain. Now a cologne. Notes of bleach, old receipts, and a man who photographed weddings for 30 years and still went home alone. Jessie sprayed it before a date. The date said you smell like a job. He bought her dinner anyway. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the bottle. He paid retail. The cologne stained the passenger seat. That's not a signature scent. That's a memoir you can spill. He tried to smell expensive. He smelled employed. The seat kept the smell. That's more loyal than the date. Next. Gruff. This next one is fake. Red spray. Attack the date. Not a personality class. A can. Jessie sprayed a shirt. Walked in loud. Ordered for two. The woman wanted water. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the can. He paid for a case. Red spray ate a hole in the nightstand. That's not confidence. That's a chemical with a dating profile. He tried to come in hot. He left with a stain and a Venmo. I don't attack dates. Dates attack the card. Next. Anthony. This next one is fake. Green flashlight. Investigate the vibe. Not a lecture. A light you buy at a rest stop. Jessie shown it on a text thread like it was evidence. The thread was his own unpaid tab. A woman at the bar said you look busy. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the flashlight for her car. He paid for batteries. Paid for a second light. That's not investigating. That's a man shopping for clues in his own pocket. He tried to see clearly. He saw the bill. The batteries died honest. Next. Max. This next one is fake. Blue stretch. Adapt until you broke. A cream. Jessie rubbed it on his pride. Went along with a plan that was not his. Paid for the plan. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted a ride to a second bar. He paid that too. The cream said flexible. His card said no. That's not adapting. That's a man greasing himself. So a stranger can slide him to an ATM. He tried to be easy. Easy is expensive. I stretched the money snapped. Next. Callum. This next one is fake. Yellow sunglasses. This is fine. Jessie wore them to a first date so he wouldn't see the flags. Not a lesson. A $40 pair from a kiosk. She said those are ugly. He bought her a pair too. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the receipt. He paid for two pairs and a scratch warranty. The lenses fell out in the parking lot. That's not optimism. That's a man paying not to look. He tried to stay fine. He went broke in beige. I saw the bill. That's enough color. Next. Ozzy. This next one is fake. Can'tMary.com. The marriage app for guys who physically cannot close. Jessie made a profile. 50. Filthy. No ring. Fun. No stress. The app said that's a warning. He paid to boost it. A woman liked the boost. Not him. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the boost for her own page. He paid for her boost. It's not a waiting app. That's a man buying ads for a woman who will not pick him. He tried to get Mary to the idea of not getting married. He funded her funnel. I boosted a stranger. That's my love language. Next. Chris. This next one is fake. Single at 50 starter pack. Ibu profan. A charging cable that never fits. A speech. Jessie bought the bundle. He used the speech on a woman in line. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the Ibu profan. He paid for a refill. The cable still didn't fit anything in the house. That's not a starter pack. That's a man whose whole kid is already tired. He tried to be ready. He was ready to pay. The cable didn't ghost. It just never connected. Next. Liam. This next one is fake. Sorry plus. An apology subscription. 999 a week. Jessie auto renewed. Sent my bad to a woman he had not even dated yet. She said that's interesting. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted a refund on a vibe. He paid for a month because weekly felt cheap. The app sent a bouquet of I fucked up texts at 3am. That's not accountability. That's a man who prepaid for guilt. He tried to get ahead of the fight. He bought the fight. I didn't know her yet. I paid anyway. Next. Gruff. This next one is fake. Bring up for situationships. No lawyer. A PDF. Jessie filled it out on a first drink. She laughed. He took that as chemistry. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the PDF as a joke for her group chat. He paid the official stamp upsell. The stamp was a JPEG. That's not protection. That's a man notarizing a one night with a printer. He tried to keep his money. The JPEG took it. I stamped air. Next. Anthony. This next one is fake. Paul's therapy for one. Jessie booked a slot. Talked about a woman who was not there. The therapist was a chatbot with a clipboard photo. It billed 50 minutes. He took the receptionist home. Wrong girl. She wanted a ride. Not a session. He paid the copay and the parking. That's not healing. That's a man arguing with a log-in. He tried to work on himself. He worked on the card. The bot had better boundaries. Next, Max. This next one is fake. Left on raid insurance, you pay a premium. When she doesn't reply, they send you a gift card and a shrug. Jesse filed three claims in one night. They denied all three because he texted again. A woman finally wrote, who is this? He took a home. Wrong girl. She wanted the gift card. He paid the deductible. That's not insurance. And that's a man buying a hug from a policy. He tried to cover the silence. The silence had a copay. I claimed a ghost. They paid in shrug. Next. Calum. This next one is fake. Wedding registry for men who won't marry. Jesse listed a mop, a charger, and a laugh. People bought none of it. He bought it himself so the page wouldn't look lonely. A woman from the site said that's sad hot. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the mop as a bit. He paid overnight shipping on a mop he already owned. That's not a registry. That's a man gifting himself the same job twice. He tried to look generous. He looked employed. I already had the mop. I bought the bit. Next. Aussie. This next one is fake. Ring rental. We can't rate. Jesse rented a band to look complicated. The date asked if it was real. He said it's complicated. She said that's a no. He still took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the ring for a photo. He paid a late fee because the photo took an hour. The band turned his finger green. Not a lesson. A rash. That's not jewelry. That's a man leasing a lie. He tried to look taken. The metal filed a claim. Green wasn't the brand. It was the finger. Next. Chris. This next one is fake. Venmo love. Every feeling is a request. Jesse sent 20 for good conversation. She requested 40 for emotional labor. He paid. Took her home. Wrong girl. She requested 60 for gas. He paid that too. The app suggested a weekly auto pay called situation. He clicked yes like a drunk. That's not romance. This is a man whose heart has a routing number. He tried to be generous. He became a utility. I auto pay to feeling. Next. Liam. This next one is fake. Double book. A calendar for men who can't pick. Jesse booked two coffees at the same hour. Payed a cancellation on both. A third woman saw the pile up and thought he was busy famous. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the calendar invite as clout. He paid to upgrade the app so it would hide the shame. The shame had a reminder. That's not game. That's a man scheduling his own robbery. He tried to keep options. Options build. I canceled me. They kept the deposit next. Growth. This next one is fake. Restop marriage kiosk. Insert card. Print a license that is not legal. Jesse printed one as a joke. A woman waiting for the bathroom said that's wild. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted a copy for a friend. He printed five. The kiosk charged per page like a copier from a rest stop. That's not a marriage. That's a man buying paper that says taken and still going home with a stranger. He tried to make it funny. The kiosk made it rain. I printed a lie. It still cost. Next. Anthony. This next one is fake. Expired date. Group on. Two for one feelings. Jesse bought it on a Tuesday. Redeemed it on a woman who wanted sushi. The code was dead. He paid full price twice. Took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the sushi more than the bit. He paid the tip like it was alimony. That's not a deal. That's a man whose coupon has better timing than he does. He tried to save. He spent double. The code died first. That's the only honest part. Next. Max. This next one is fake. Wrong chat. A voice note app that sends your horny to the group. Jesse recorded, come over. It landed in a thread of people he owes money. One woman in that thread said that's bold. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the money. Not the moon. He paid a message unsend fee that did not unsend. That's not dirty talk. That's a man broadcasting a heart onto his debts. He tried to be private. He went public and poor. I unsolved nothing. Next. Callum. This next one is fake. Share location. Dating feature. Jesse turned it on so she would feel safe. The pin took him to an ATM. She said that's convenient. He took her home. Wrong girl. She needed cash. He hit the limit. The app sold the pin to a nearby singles pack. He paid to turn it off. That's not safety. That's a man whose heart has Bluetooth and a fee. He tried to be found. He got withdrawn. The pin snitch to the bank. Next. Ozzy. This next one is fake. Are you my girlfriend? A bot. Jesse asked it every night. The bot said, please upgrade for a real answer. He upgraded. A woman saw the screenshot and thought it was performance art. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the screenshot for her story. He paid for a watermark removal. The bot still said it's complicated. That's not a girlfriend. That's a man in a relationship with a paywall. He tried to get clarity. He got a tear. It's complicated. That's the product. Next. Chris. This next one is fake. Shit might as match. The app that guarantees you will lose money and take the wrong girl home. Jesse thought that's honest. Paid the lifetime. Matched in four minutes, took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the lifetime for her cousin. He bought a second lifetime. The app refunded nothing because the guarantee already hit. That's not a scam if they tell you. That's a man who paid to be correctly cursed. He tried to beat the product. The product was him. I was the guarantee. Next. Liam. This next one is fake. Plus one mop. Bring a mop to the wedding you won't have. Jesse listed it as his date. A woman thought that was funny hot. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the mop for a spill. He paid for a nicer mop so it would photograph. The mop did better in the pictures. That's not a date. That's a man whose best partner rings out. He tried to look taken. He looked wet. The mop doesn't swipe. That's why it stays. Next. Gruff. This next one is fake. Cash only romance? No card? No app? Just bills. Jesse brought an envelope to a drink. She said that's weird. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the envelope. He had a second envelope for emergencies. She got that too. That's not old school. That's a man whose love languages withdrawal. He tried to keep it simple, simple left with the cash. I don't do apps. I do envelopes that leave. Next. Anthony. This next one is fake. Soft launch lab. You don't post her. You pay to almost post her. Jesse bought three almost. A woman saw the blurred photo and asked if that was her. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the unblur. He paid the unblur. It was a mop. That's not a soft launch. That's a man teasing a bucket. He tried to look mysterious. He looked like cleaning. I unblur'd a mop. That's the brand. Next. Max. This next one is fake. Exclusive. 99 a week. Matches nobody. Jesse stayed because exclusive felt like a personality. Week 4. One match. He took her home. Wrong girl. She was a brand ambassador for exclusive. She wanted a testimonial. He paid for the testimonial too. That's not exclusive. That's a man in a waiting room with a credit card. He tried to be picked. He was billed. I waited in a velvet rope made of fees. That's the last ad. That's the block. No ring plus. Almost husband. Four color quiz dot com. Colors of my pain cologne. Red spray. Green flashlight. Blue stretch. Yellow sunglasses. Can't marry. 50 starter pack. Sorry plus. Turn up pdf. Therapy for one. Left on read insurance. Registry. Ring rental. Venmo love. Double book. Rest stop. Kiosk. Dead group on. Wrong chat. Share location. Girlfriend bot. Shit might as match. Plus one mop. Cash envelope. Soft launch mop. Exclusive. Nobody. I tried. I lost money. I took the wrong girl home. Every time. If you left, you live forever. If you didn't, the ad is dead. I still mop. Last line is mine, mother fuckers.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}