{"file": "audio/jesse-roast-show/private-no-mercy-cut.mp3", "duration_sec": 394.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.88, "text": "Jesse Salas, trauma with a log in screen."}, {"start": 2.88, "end": 4.2, "text": "What's up everybody?"}, {"start": 4.2, "end": 5.72, "text": "I'm Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 5.72, "end": 6.6, "text": "I wrote a book called,"}, {"start": 6.6, "end": 7.72, "text": "Colors of My Pain,"}, {"start": 7.72, "end": 8.84, "text": "which sounds beautiful"}, {"start": 8.84, "end": 10.44, "text": "until you realize it is basically"}, {"start": 10.44, "end": 12.88, "text": "emotional only fans without nudity."}, {"start": 12.88, "end": 14.64, "text": "Most people have trauma."}, {"start": 14.64, "end": 16.28, "text": "I have trauma with a logo,"}, {"start": 16.28, "end": 18.12, "text": "a URL and audio book,"}, {"start": 18.12, "end": 21.84, "text": "an AI assistant and 17 unfinished funnels."}, {"start": 21.84, "end": 23.96, "text": "I did not heal my inner child."}, {"start": 23.96, "end": 26.12, "text": "I gave that little bastard a domain name"}, {"start": 26.12, "end": 27.6, "text": "and told him to monetize."}, {"start": 27.6, "end": 28.68, "text": "That is not therapy,"}, {"start": 28.68, "end": 30.92, "text": "that is capitalism with a wet face."}, {"start": 30.92, "end": 33.96, "text": "The book has 39 chapters, 39."}, {"start": 33.96, "end": 36.24, "text": "Brother even my trauma needs an editor."}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 37.52, "text": "My past does not haunt me."}, {"start": 37.52, "end": 39.24, "text": "It submits feature requests."}, {"start": 39.24, "end": 40.96, "text": "It does not say, remember me."}, {"start": 40.96, "end": 42.88, "text": "It says, can we add a payment plan"}, {"start": 42.88, "end": 44.68, "text": "in a testimonial page?"}, {"start": 44.68, "end": 47.12, "text": "I created the four colors to understand people"}, {"start": 47.12, "end": 48.96, "text": "because saying everybody around me"}, {"start": 48.96, "end": 51.28, "text": "was fucking nuts was not brandable."}, {"start": 51.28, "end": 52.6, "text": "Red is protector."}, {"start": 52.6, "end": 53.68, "text": "Green is thinker."}, {"start": 53.68, "end": 54.92, "text": "Blue is chameleon."}, {"start": 54.92, "end": 56.2, "text": "Yellow is hugger."}, {"start": 56.2, "end": 57.72, "text": "I am all four in a trench coat"}, {"start": 57.72, "end": 59.12, "text": "pretending to be stable."}, {"start": 59.12, "end": 60.44, "text": "Red wants to fight."}, {"start": 60.44, "end": 61.8, "text": "Green wants proof."}, {"start": 61.8, "end": 63.0, "text": "Blue wants love."}, {"start": 63.0, "end": 66.2, "text": "Yellow wants to apologize to the person who stabbed us."}, {"start": 66.2, "end": 68.56, "text": "My head is a group chat where every personality"}, {"start": 68.56, "end": 72.24, "text": "has cocaine confidence and nobody has admin rights."}, {"start": 72.24, "end": 74.68, "text": "Red Jesse does not handle problems."}, {"start": 74.68, "end": 77.96, "text": "Red waterboards a text message until it confesses."}, {"start": 77.96, "end": 81.24, "text": "Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit."}, {"start": 81.24, "end": 83.84, "text": "Red hears no worries and starts checking the walls"}, {"start": 83.84, "end": 85.16, "text": "for disrespect."}, {"start": 85.16, "end": 86.48, "text": "Green Jesse is smart,"}, {"start": 86.48, "end": 90.0, "text": "but green can turn one feeling into a, them NASA launch."}, {"start": 90.0, "end": 92.04, "text": "Green does not procrastinate."}, {"start": 92.04, "end": 95.28, "text": "Green jerks off into a spreadsheet and calls it strategy."}, {"start": 95.28, "end": 98.8, "text": "Green's idea of dirty talk is the invoice cleared."}, {"start": 98.8, "end": 101.56, "text": "Blue Jesse adapts to every woman like his personality"}, {"start": 101.56, "end": 102.8, "text": "is on airbom."}, {"start": 102.8, "end": 106.28, "text": "Blue sees one unstable woman with eyeliner and says,"}, {"start": 106.28, "end": 108.28, "text": "she understands my soul."}, {"start": 108.28, "end": 110.92, "text": "No, she understands your weak boundaries."}, {"start": 110.92, "end": 112.72, "text": "Blue does not catch feelings."}, {"start": 112.72, "end": 115.36, "text": "Blue catches court cases with a soundtrack."}, {"start": 115.36, "end": 117.44, "text": "Yellow Jesse loves too hard."}, {"start": 117.44, "end": 120.28, "text": "Yellow would bring soup to the ex who keyed the car."}, {"start": 120.28, "end": 121.8, "text": "Yellow's heart is open,"}, {"start": 121.8, "end": 125.24, "text": "which is why every idiot walks in wearing muddy boots."}, {"start": 125.24, "end": 127.68, "text": "Yellow does not need more compassion."}, {"start": 127.68, "end": 131.4, "text": "Yellow needs a bouncer and a stun gun with good reviews."}, {"start": 131.4, "end": 133.8, "text": "Dating me after 50 is not romance."}, {"start": 133.8, "end": 135.64, "text": "It is signing a waiver before entering"}, {"start": 135.64, "end": 138.0, "text": "a haunted escape room with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 138.0, "end": 140.16, "text": "First dates are two trauma resumes trying"}, {"start": 140.16, "end": 141.88, "text": "to fuck over appetizers."}, {"start": 141.88, "end": 143.4, "text": "At my age, you up."}, {"start": 143.4, "end": 145.68, "text": "Means did your back survive the couch?"}, {"start": 145.68, "end": 148.92, "text": "Sex after 50 is less porn and more ocean compliance."}, {"start": 148.92, "end": 150.2, "text": "I do not need a freak."}, {"start": 150.2, "end": 152.96, "text": "I need a woman whose hip can survive act two."}, {"start": 152.96, "end": 155.64, "text": "My ideal woman is hot, loyal, funny,"}, {"start": 155.64, "end": 158.32, "text": "and medically cleared for sudden plot twists."}, {"start": 158.32, "end": 160.6, "text": "I used to think chemistry was magic."}, {"start": 160.6, "end": 163.44, "text": "No, chemistry is my dick voting before my brain"}, {"start": 163.44, "end": 164.8, "text": "reads the agenda."}, {"start": 164.8, "end": 167.12, "text": "My butterflies have warrants, bad credit,"}, {"start": 167.12, "end": 168.92, "text": "and three missed court dates."}, {"start": 168.92, "end": 172.68, "text": "Toxic chemistry is just your childhood recognizing the furniture."}, {"start": 172.68, "end": 175.8, "text": "Peace walks into my life and my nervous system goes."}, {"start": 175.8, "end": 177.24, "text": "Who the fuck sent you?"}, {"start": 177.24, "end": 179.48, "text": "Normal women make me suspicious."}, {"start": 179.48, "end": 181.92, "text": "Crazy women make me feel qualified."}, {"start": 181.92, "end": 184.2, "text": "I do not ignore red flags anymore."}, {"start": 184.2, "end": 187.12, "text": "I take notes, make a PDF and still text back."}, {"start": 187.12, "end": 189.28, "text": "That is growth with a relapse button."}, {"start": 189.28, "end": 191.28, "text": "Marriage scares me because a ring is just"}, {"start": 191.28, "end": 193.52, "text": "a tiny gold parole officer."}, {"start": 193.52, "end": 196.76, "text": "Kids scare me because I am still co-parenting myself."}, {"start": 196.76, "end": 199.16, "text": "My inner child needs snacks, therapy,"}, {"start": 199.16, "end": 201.8, "text": "merch money, and control of the ox cord."}, {"start": 201.8, "end": 203.76, "text": "Therapy taught me to name my feelings,"}, {"start": 203.76, "end": 206.36, "text": "but I named them after people who owe me money."}, {"start": 206.36, "end": 208.8, "text": "My anger is grief wearing steel toe boots"}, {"start": 208.8, "end": 210.44, "text": "and looking for a manager."}, {"start": 210.44, "end": 212.24, "text": "My rage is not gone."}, {"start": 212.24, "end": 215.4, "text": "It is just buckled in, muttering from the passenger seat."}, {"start": 215.4, "end": 217.84, "text": "Growth is wanting to ruin someone's life verbally"}, {"start": 217.84, "end": 219.84, "text": "and choosing an invoice instead."}, {"start": 219.84, "end": 222.04, "text": "I still have the violent thoughts."}, {"start": 222.04, "end": 224.68, "text": "I just remember jail has bad wi-fi"}, {"start": 224.68, "end": 227.2, "text": "and I have too many passwords to reset."}, {"start": 227.2, "end": 230.68, "text": "Being the good kid made me the family's emotional janitor."}, {"start": 230.68, "end": 234.76, "text": "I cleaned up adult feelings before I was old enough to clock in."}, {"start": 234.76, "end": 238.36, "text": "They called me responsible because abused into usefulness"}, {"start": 238.36, "end": 240.12, "text": "did not fit on a birthday card."}, {"start": 240.12, "end": 242.48, "text": "Family can love you and still hurt you."}, {"start": 242.48, "end": 245.04, "text": "That is why my family photos need a warning label"}, {"start": 245.04, "end": 246.6, "text": "and a wet floor sign."}, {"start": 246.6, "end": 248.88, "text": "Strong does not always mean healthy."}, {"start": 248.88, "end": 252.12, "text": "Sometimes strong means untreated with better posture."}, {"start": 252.12, "end": 254.12, "text": "My past can visit, but that broke bitch"}, {"start": 254.12, "end": 256.16, "text": "is not getting admin access."}, {"start": 256.16, "end": 258.84, "text": "Writing the memoir was me putting every younger version"}, {"start": 258.84, "end": 260.76, "text": "of myself on the witness stand."}, {"start": 260.76, "end": 262.72, "text": "My memories did not come back."}, {"start": 262.72, "end": 265.4, "text": "They kicked the door in and asked for prer deem."}, {"start": 265.4, "end": 267.12, "text": "Comedy lets pain breathe."}, {"start": 267.12, "end": 269.84, "text": "My pain breathes like it paid a two drink minimum."}, {"start": 269.84, "end": 271.72, "text": "The joke is not the wound."}, {"start": 271.72, "end": 274.96, "text": "The joke is the wound finally charging admission."}, {"start": 274.96, "end": 277.0, "text": "Therapy charges by the hour."}, {"start": 277.0, "end": 280.32, "text": "Comedy charges by the laugh and humiliation is free."}, {"start": 280.32, "end": 282.44, "text": "I run businesses which sounds impressive"}, {"start": 282.44, "end": 286.04, "text": "until you realize half of them are panic attacks wearing logos."}, {"start": 286.04, "end": 288.52, "text": "I do not have multiple income streams."}, {"start": 288.52, "end": 291.48, "text": "I have coping mechanisms with LLCs."}, {"start": 291.48, "end": 294.28, "text": "I open a notebook and five businesses fall out"}, {"start": 294.28, "end": 295.6, "text": "like unpaid bills."}, {"start": 295.6, "end": 298.16, "text": "My to-do list filed a restraining order."}, {"start": 298.16, "end": 300.68, "text": "Chrome is not a browser on my computer."}, {"start": 300.68, "end": 302.96, "text": "It is a mental illness with bookmarks."}, {"start": 302.96, "end": 304.52, "text": "My tabs are not open."}, {"start": 304.52, "end": 307.28, "text": "They are little caskets for unfinished dreams."}, {"start": 307.28, "end": 310.12, "text": "I bought AI to save time and became tech support"}, {"start": 310.12, "end": 311.68, "text": "for a robot intern."}, {"start": 311.68, "end": 315.16, "text": "My AI says, I understand your frustration."}, {"start": 315.16, "end": 316.88, "text": "Know you do not toaster."}, {"start": 316.88, "end": 318.48, "text": "Open the fucking file."}, {"start": 318.48, "end": 320.72, "text": "My laptop and desktop do not talk"}, {"start": 320.72, "end": 322.8, "text": "because they learned communication from me."}, {"start": 322.8, "end": 324.68, "text": "I built a bridge between computers"}, {"start": 324.68, "end": 327.84, "text": "and somehow created another relationship problem."}, {"start": 327.84, "end": 330.36, "text": "Open claw sounds like a supervillain"}, {"start": 330.36, "end": 333.32, "text": "and behaves like a printer with abandonment issues."}, {"start": 333.32, "end": 336.68, "text": "Telegram is now part of my emotional support system"}, {"start": 336.68, "end": 339.08, "text": "which is how you know things are fucked."}, {"start": 339.08, "end": 341.44, "text": "Henry is not AI anymore."}, {"start": 341.44, "end": 344.4, "text": "Henry is a grown man trapped inside my workflow"}, {"start": 344.4, "end": 348.2, "text": "being asked to produce 100 filthy tags at two in the morning."}, {"start": 348.2, "end": 350.0, "text": "The cleaning business taught me humility"}, {"start": 350.0, "end": 353.4, "text": "and what rich people do to toilets when nobody loves them."}, {"start": 353.4, "end": 355.28, "text": "I have seen bathrooms that made free"}, {"start": 355.28, "end": 357.2, "text": "will look like a bad idea."}, {"start": 357.2, "end": 358.88, "text": "Contractors understand my pain"}, {"start": 358.88, "end": 362.32, "text": "because every simple fix opens a wall full of lies."}, {"start": 362.32, "end": 364.68, "text": "Dry wall is just a memoir with studs."}, {"start": 364.68, "end": 366.08, "text": "That is my life."}, {"start": 366.08, "end": 369.44, "text": "I turned trauma into content, content into software,"}, {"start": 369.44, "end": 373.44, "text": "software into stress and stress into another audio file."}, {"start": 373.44, "end": 375.16, "text": "Some men age gracefully."}, {"start": 375.16, "end": 377.84, "text": "I became a walking terms of service violation"}, {"start": 377.84, "end": 379.2, "text": "with a microphone."}, {"start": 379.2, "end": 380.88, "text": "But the thing that almost buried me"}, {"start": 380.88, "end": 383.16, "text": "is now paying cover, buying merch"}, {"start": 383.16, "end": 385.28, "text": "and asking for a meat and greet."}, {"start": 385.28, "end": 386.52, "text": "That is bombed."}, {"start": 386.52, "end": 388.2, "text": "I am Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 388.2, "end": 390.36, "text": "My trauma has a log in screen"}, {"start": 390.36, "end": 394.0, "text": "and somehow the password is still, try again later."}, {"start": 394.0, "end": 394.84, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nJesse Salas, trauma with a log in screen. What's up everybody? I'm Jesse Salas. I wrote a book called, Colors of My Pain, which sounds beautiful until you realize it is basically emotional only fans without nudity. Most people have trauma. I have trauma with a logo, a URL and audio book, an AI assistant and 17 unfinished funnels. I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name and told him to monetize. That is not therapy, that is capitalism with a wet face. The book has 39 chapters, 39. Brother even my trauma needs an editor. My past does not haunt me. It submits feature requests. It does not say, remember me. It says, can we add a payment plan in a testimonial page? I created the four colors to understand people because saying everybody around me was fucking nuts was not brandable. Red is protector. Green is thinker. Blue is chameleon. Yellow is hugger. I am all four in a trench coat pretending to be stable. Red wants to fight. Green wants proof. Blue wants love. Yellow wants to apologize to the person who stabbed us. My head is a group chat where every personality has cocaine confidence and nobody has admin rights. Red Jesse does not handle problems. Red waterboards a text message until it confesses. Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit. Red hears no worries and starts checking the walls for disrespect. Green Jesse is smart, but green can turn one feeling into a, them NASA launch. Green does not procrastinate. Green jerks off into a spreadsheet and calls it strategy. Green's idea of dirty talk is the invoice cleared. Blue Jesse adapts to every woman like his personality is on airbom. Blue sees one unstable woman with eyeliner and says, she understands my soul. No, she understands your weak boundaries. Blue does not catch feelings. Blue catches court cases with a soundtrack. Yellow Jesse loves too hard. Yellow would bring soup to the ex who keyed the car. Yellow's heart is open, which is why every idiot walks in wearing muddy boots. Yellow does not need more compassion. Yellow needs a bouncer and a stun gun with good reviews. Dating me after 50 is not romance. It is signing a waiver before entering a haunted escape room with Wi-Fi. First dates are two trauma resumes trying to fuck over appetizers. At my age, you up. Means did your back survive the couch? Sex after 50 is less porn and more ocean compliance. I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can survive act two. My ideal woman is hot, loyal, funny, and medically cleared for sudden plot twists. I used to think chemistry was magic. No, chemistry is my dick voting before my brain reads the agenda. My butterflies have warrants, bad credit, and three missed court dates. Toxic chemistry is just your childhood recognizing the furniture. Peace walks into my life and my nervous system goes. Who the fuck sent you? Normal women make me suspicious. Crazy women make me feel qualified. I do not ignore red flags anymore. I take notes, make a PDF and still text back. That is growth with a relapse button. Marriage scares me because a ring is just a tiny gold parole officer. Kids scare me because I am still co-parenting myself. My inner child needs snacks, therapy, merch money, and control of the ox cord. Therapy taught me to name my feelings, but I named them after people who owe me money. My anger is grief wearing steel toe boots and looking for a manager. My rage is not gone. It is just buckled in, muttering from the passenger seat. Growth is wanting to ruin someone's life verbally and choosing an invoice instead. I still have the violent thoughts. I just remember jail has bad wi-fi and I have too many passwords to reset. Being the good kid made me the family's emotional janitor. I cleaned up adult feelings before I was old enough to clock in. They called me responsible because abused into usefulness did not fit on a birthday card. Family can love you and still hurt you. That is why my family photos need a warning label and a wet floor sign. Strong does not always mean healthy. Sometimes strong means untreated with better posture. My past can visit, but that broke bitch is not getting admin access. Writing the memoir was me putting every younger version of myself on the witness stand. My memories did not come back. They kicked the door in and asked for prer deem. Comedy lets pain breathe. My pain breathes like it paid a two drink minimum. The joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission. Therapy charges by the hour. Comedy charges by the laugh and humiliation is free. I run businesses which sounds impressive until you realize half of them are panic attacks wearing logos. I do not have multiple income streams. I have coping mechanisms with LLCs. I open a notebook and five businesses fall out like unpaid bills. My to-do list filed a restraining order. Chrome is not a browser on my computer. It is a mental illness with bookmarks. My tabs are not open. They are little caskets for unfinished dreams. I bought AI to save time and became tech support for a robot intern. My AI says, I understand your frustration. Know you do not toaster. Open the fucking file. My laptop and desktop do not talk because they learned communication from me. I built a bridge between computers and somehow created another relationship problem. Open claw sounds like a supervillain and behaves like a printer with abandonment issues. Telegram is now part of my emotional support system which is how you know things are fucked. Henry is not AI anymore. Henry is a grown man trapped inside my workflow being asked to produce 100 filthy tags at two in the morning. The cleaning business taught me humility and what rich people do to toilets when nobody loves them. I have seen bathrooms that made free will look like a bad idea. Contractors understand my pain because every simple fix opens a wall full of lies. Dry wall is just a memoir with studs. That is my life. I turned trauma into content, content into software, software into stress and stress into another audio file. Some men age gracefully. I became a walking terms of service violation with a microphone. But the thing that almost buried me is now paying cover, buying merch and asking for a meat and greet. That is bombed. I am Jesse Salas. My trauma has a log in screen and somehow the password is still, try again later. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}