{"file": "audio/jesse-roast-show/3-minute-opener.mp3", "duration_sec": 169.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.46, "text": "Jesse unhinged vulgar opener."}, {"start": 2.46, "end": 6.44, "text": "I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain, which sounds beautiful until you realize it is"}, {"start": 6.44, "end": 9.8, "text": "basically emotional only fans without nudity."}, {"start": 9.8, "end": 11.24, "text": "Most people have trauma."}, {"start": 11.24, "end": 17.36, "text": "I have trauma with a logo, URL, audiobook, AI assistant, and 17 unfinished funnels."}, {"start": 17.36, "end": 19.32, "text": "I did not heal my inner child."}, {"start": 19.32, "end": 24.24, "text": "I gave that little bastard a domain name that is not therapy, that is capitalism with a"}, {"start": 24.24, "end": 25.4, "text": "wet face."}, {"start": 25.4, "end": 28.44, "text": "The book has 39 chapters, 39."}, {"start": 28.44, "end": 31.48, "text": "Even ex-told my trauma to tighten the edit."}, {"start": 31.48, "end": 34.76, "text": "My past does not haunt me, it submits feature requests."}, {"start": 34.76, "end": 39.4, "text": "I created the four colors to understand people because saying everybody around me was fucking"}, {"start": 39.4, "end": 41.24, "text": "nuts was not brandable."}, {"start": 41.24, "end": 46.24, "text": "Red is protector, green is thinker, blue is chameleon, yellow is hugger."}, {"start": 46.24, "end": 49.68, "text": "I am all four in a trench coat pretending to be stable."}, {"start": 49.68, "end": 51.16, "text": "Red wants to fight."}, {"start": 51.16, "end": 53.48, "text": "Green wants proof, blue wants love."}, {"start": 53.48, "end": 56.64, "text": "Yellow wants to apologize to the person who stabbed me."}, {"start": 56.64, "end": 60.44, "text": "My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk."}, {"start": 60.44, "end": 63.92, "text": "Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit."}, {"start": 63.92, "end": 66.0, "text": "Green does not procrastinate."}, {"start": 66.0, "end": 69.08, "text": "Green jerks off into a spreadsheet and calls it strategy."}, {"start": 69.08, "end": 74.2, "text": "Blue sees one unstable woman with eyeliner and says, she understands my soul."}, {"start": 74.2, "end": 77.04, "text": "No, she understands my weak boundaries."}, {"start": 77.04, "end": 81.24, "text": "Yellow will bring soup to the ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask."}, {"start": 81.24, "end": 82.52, "text": "You need crackers."}, {"start": 82.52, "end": 84.88, "text": "That is why dating me is not romance."}, {"start": 84.88, "end": 89.0, "text": "It is signing a waiver before entering a haunted escape room with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 89.0, "end": 91.04, "text": "At 50 sex is not porn."}, {"start": 91.04, "end": 92.56, "text": "It is OSHA compliance."}, {"start": 92.56, "end": 94.0, "text": "I do not need a freak."}, {"start": 94.0, "end": 96.92, "text": "I need a woman whose hip can survive act two."}, {"start": 96.92, "end": 98.8, "text": "My type used to be beautiful."}, {"start": 98.8, "end": 103.12, "text": "Now my type is, doesn't make my nervous system file a police report."}, {"start": 103.12, "end": 107.88, "text": "But I am still attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious."}, {"start": 107.88, "end": 112.2, "text": "This walks into my life and my nervous system says, who the fuck sent you?"}, {"start": 112.2, "end": 115.64, "text": "Chemistry is just my dick voting before my brain gets the agenda."}, {"start": 115.64, "end": 117.8, "text": "My butterflies are on probation."}, {"start": 117.8, "end": 119.76, "text": "And I know I am the problem too."}, {"start": 119.76, "end": 125.6, "text": "I run businesses, build websites, make AI bots, write books, create games, record audio,"}, {"start": 125.6, "end": 128.32, "text": "and then wonder why my laptop looks tired."}, {"start": 128.32, "end": 133.72, "text": "I bought artificial intelligence to save time and became tech support for robot intern."}, {"start": 133.72, "end": 136.92, "text": "My AI says, I understand your frustration."}, {"start": 136.92, "end": 139.6, "text": "No you do not toaster open the fucking file."}, {"start": 139.6, "end": 142.44, "text": "I tried connecting my laptop and desktop."}, {"start": 142.44, "end": 145.52, "text": "Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon."}, {"start": 145.52, "end": 149.76, "text": "The bridge broke because red built it, green audited it, blue made it pretty, and yellow"}, {"start": 149.76, "end": 151.96, "text": "apologized to the laptop."}, {"start": 151.96, "end": 153.36, "text": "That is my life."}, {"start": 153.36, "end": 157.8, "text": "Comedy is the only thing that makes sense because the joke is not the wound."}, {"start": 157.8, "end": 161.2, "text": "The joke is the wound finally charging admission."}, {"start": 161.2, "end": 163.2, "text": "Tonight my pain is not crying."}, {"start": 163.2, "end": 164.52, "text": "It is headlining."}, {"start": 164.52, "end": 169.48, "text": "The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet and"}, {"start": 169.48, "end": 169.76, "text": "greet."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nJesse unhinged vulgar opener. I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain, which sounds beautiful until you realize it is basically emotional only fans without nudity. Most people have trauma. I have trauma with a logo, URL, audiobook, AI assistant, and 17 unfinished funnels. I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name that is not therapy, that is capitalism with a wet face. The book has 39 chapters, 39. Even ex-told my trauma to tighten the edit. My past does not haunt me, it submits feature requests. I created the four colors to understand people because saying everybody around me was fucking nuts was not brandable. Red is protector, green is thinker, blue is chameleon, yellow is hugger. I am all four in a trench coat pretending to be stable. Red wants to fight. Green wants proof, blue wants love. Yellow wants to apologize to the person who stabbed me. My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk. Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit. Green does not procrastinate. Green jerks off into a spreadsheet and calls it strategy. Blue sees one unstable woman with eyeliner and says, she understands my soul. No, she understands my weak boundaries. Yellow will bring soup to the ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask. You need crackers. That is why dating me is not romance. It is signing a waiver before entering a haunted escape room with Wi-Fi. At 50 sex is not porn. It is OSHA compliance. I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can survive act two. My type used to be beautiful. Now my type is, doesn't make my nervous system file a police report. But I am still attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious. This walks into my life and my nervous system says, who the fuck sent you? Chemistry is just my dick voting before my brain gets the agenda. My butterflies are on probation. And I know I am the problem too. I run businesses, build websites, make AI bots, write books, create games, record audio, and then wonder why my laptop looks tired. I bought artificial intelligence to save time and became tech support for robot intern. My AI says, I understand your frustration. No you do not toaster open the fucking file. I tried connecting my laptop and desktop. Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon. The bridge broke because red built it, green audited it, blue made it pretty, and yellow apologized to the laptop. That is my life. Comedy is the only thing that makes sense because the joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission. Tonight my pain is not crying. It is headlining. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet and greet.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}