{"file": "audio/full-shows/redline-live-episode1-2hr-special-2026-07-26.mp3", "duration_sec": 6389.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.02, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club"}, {"start": 11.4, "end": 15.56, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 16.04, "end": 21.48, "text": "Featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 21.6, "end": 27.64, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 31.52, "end": 37.42, "text": "Welcome to Red Line open mic night you filthy fucking animals one target tonight Jesse Salas"}, {"start": 37.82, "end": 49.4, "text": "The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19 did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color"}, {"start": 52.2, "end": 59.66, "text": "So the prick wrote a book about it two books on Amazon 499 his whole fucking soul priced like a shitty Macchicken"}, {"start": 61.86, "end": 66.0, "text": "Ring up the first brick holly colors of my pain bro"}, {"start": 66.48, "end": 74.12, "text": "You drove uber eleven years the only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent"}, {"start": 74.64, "end": 82.16, "text": "The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19 and by chapter 9"}, {"start": 82.16, "end": 87.36, "text": "This dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his back seat is a red or a blue"}, {"start": 88.16, "end": 95.08, "text": "That ain't a personality system Jesse. That's the shit you tell the cops so they don't check the damn trunk"}, {"start": 97.56, "end": 101.64, "text": "Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people"}, {"start": 102.16, "end": 106.6, "text": "You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn"}, {"start": 107.2, "end": 114.78, "text": "Give it up Queenie. He wrote a second one the four colors read yourself and everyone you love"}, {"start": 115.3, "end": 120.62, "text": "Baby you got your dick sniped at 49 the only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding"}, {"start": 124.11, "end": 128.59, "text": "Read everyone you love you got three dogs and a dead man's phone number"}, {"start": 128.83, "end": 135.98, "text": "He's the fucking study group 40 question test in the back 40"}, {"start": 136.26, "end": 141.3, "text": "Sir you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar nine times sit your ass down"}, {"start": 143.96, "end": 146.64, "text": "Diesel get up here my favorite park"}, {"start": 147.6, "end": 149.6, "text": "1.8 million people"}, {"start": 150.08, "end": 152.08, "text": "Watch the 50 year old man"}, {"start": 152.64, "end": 155.28, "text": "guests colors at strangers in his core"}, {"start": 155.96, "end": 157.96, "text": "That's not a comedy career"}, {"start": 158.04, "end": 161.76, "text": "That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting"}, {"start": 165.13, "end": 167.13, "text": "Want me to guess your personality"}, {"start": 167.69, "end": 169.01, "text": "Navro"}, {"start": 169.01, "end": 173.01, "text": "Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement"}, {"start": 175.33, "end": 178.17, "text": "And this prick scrubbing toilets in Land Park"}, {"start": 178.73, "end": 180.73, "text": "writing the chapter on abundance"}, {"start": 181.29, "end": 186.97, "text": "Elbow deep and some rich ladies shitter for 700 bucks a lead from Angie"}, {"start": 187.69, "end": 192.65, "text": "That ain't a color Jesse. That's a cry for hell and fucking hard back"}, {"start": 195.18, "end": 197.18, "text": "Many respected though"}, {"start": 197.66, "end": 204.26, "text": "The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19 literally does his time and instead of therapy"}, {"start": 204.26, "end": 208.26, "text": "He invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks"}, {"start": 211.93, "end": 218.61, "text": "Greens the thinker read the protector blues the chameleon yellows the hugger and Jesse"}, {"start": 219.29, "end": 221.29, "text": "Jesse's the fucking brown"}, {"start": 221.29, "end": 226.13, "text": "Man's cleaned more shit is then a Vegas janitor and still wrote it into a love language"}, {"start": 228.21, "end": 236.19, "text": "But here's the thing you filthy bastards nine women gone his old man's in the ground with the number still ringing"}, {"start": 236.19, "end": 238.19, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 239.15, "end": 244.63, "text": "50 no kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet and this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it"}, {"start": 244.63, "end": 249.15, "text": "Named it four colors and built a whole fucking empire out of a mop in a computer"}, {"start": 249.71, "end": 255.14, "text": "He didn't get the girl didn't get the dad back"}, {"start": 255.14, "end": 262.66, "text": "He got you laughing your ass off at a book he wrote it a red light. That's the formula, baby the hammer last laughs always his"}, {"start": 263.66, "end": 271.79, "text": "By the damn book for 99 cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us good night"}, {"start": 272.29, "end": 281.23, "text": "And that's the red line you beautiful bastards before you crawl out of here two things one"}, {"start": 281.59, "end": 289.55, "text": "BOMD dot app that's bombed dot app you get the mic nobody waits in a damn line and every filthy name gets pulled go play it"}, {"start": 289.55, "end": 295.47, "text": "Roast with us and leave your feedback tell us what killed and what bombed because we read every damn word"}, {"start": 295.47, "end": 302.43, "text": "Two colors of my pain dot com. That's the real story behind all these laughs the whole bloody truth in color"}, {"start": 302.43, "end": 309.35, "text": "Laugh with us here then go feel something real over there now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster"}, {"start": 309.87, "end": 312.99, "text": "Good night and that is our show"}, {"start": 313.19, "end": 319.29, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 319.29, "end": 324.29, "text": "Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 324.81, "end": 330.29, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 330.57, "end": 338.25, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 338.37, "end": 344.85, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 345.13, "end": 348.41, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 349.01, "end": 350.21, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 350.21, "end": 353.17, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 353.69, "end": 367.65, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 368.21, "end": 375.05, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 375.65, "end": 381.01, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 381.17, "end": 387.21, "text": "This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 387.77, "end": 398.38, "text": "It's Friday night at the red line you filthy fucking degenerates adults only no kids no cops no sober mother fuckers allowed"}, {"start": 401.97, "end": 408.11, "text": "Tonight kill Jesse East Coast flu in West Coast's already loaded and the eye doomsday clock is ticking"}, {"start": 408.11, "end": 412.25, "text": "So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries"}, {"start": 412.25, "end": 421.01, "text": "50 years old kicked out of high school and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on a computer in his spare bedroom"}, {"start": 421.21, "end": 423.21, "text": "Bring up Brooklyn Paulie"}, {"start": 425.87, "end": 427.87, "text": "Jesse you dumb fuck"}, {"start": 428.19, "end": 430.19, "text": "11 years driving Uber"}, {"start": 430.43, "end": 435.95, "text": "14 years at a state job and you quit both both of them to go all in on robots"}, {"start": 435.95, "end": 445.65, "text": "You had two pensions in a steady paycheck and you looked at all of it and went nah I'm a trust the fuck"}, {"start": 446.17, "end": 450.61, "text": "Terminator my guy you didn't retire you defected"}, {"start": 452.97, "end": 454.97, "text": "Now he's 50 no pension"}, {"start": 456.05, "end": 458.37, "text": "Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in land park"}, {"start": 459.13, "end": 463.17, "text": "700 bucks a lid from Angie right in a book about abundance"}, {"start": 463.81, "end": 470.44, "text": "Get up here the meanest frickin Brooklyn Tony nine engagements nine"}, {"start": 470.76, "end": 476.44, "text": "This prick proposed to nine different women and then got his balls clipped at 49 calls it the formula"}, {"start": 479.44, "end": 488.32, "text": "Jesse you spent 30 years looking for the one found her nine fucking times and then made real damn sure you could never make another mistake shaped like a kid"}, {"start": 488.32, "end": 490.32, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 490.8, "end": 497.08, "text": "Nine rings zero weddings one vasectomy that ain't a love life. That's a fucking clearance sale"}, {"start": 497.48, "end": 505.45, "text": "The filthiest broad in Brooklyn no fucking mercy queenie the man psychic you filthy fucks"}, {"start": 505.81, "end": 507.85, "text": "reads every stranger in his back seat"}, {"start": 508.09, "end": 514.41, "text": "You're a blue you cry in the shower your ex lives in your damn head and rent free nails it every fucking time"}, {"start": 515.41, "end": 520.12, "text": "But his own life can't reach shit"}, {"start": 520.68, "end": 524.8, "text": "50 broke three dogs and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone"}, {"start": 527.64, "end": 533.6, "text": "You see everybody's future except your own sweetie your no stradamas with a fucking overdraft"}, {"start": 537.41, "end": 540.77, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel my favorite part"}, {"start": 543.05, "end": 546.05, "text": "1.8 million people watched a 50 year old man"}, {"start": 546.33, "end": 550.33, "text": "guest colors at strangers in a shitbox Toyota"}, {"start": 553.81, "end": 560.33, "text": "That's not a career Jesse that's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating"}, {"start": 562.73, "end": 571.77, "text": "And now he lost money in the stock market too you didn't invest you tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story"}, {"start": 572.77, "end": 573.77, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 573.77, "end": 578.25, "text": "The S&P had a rough day here take my rent"}, {"start": 578.85, "end": 585.44, "text": "East Coast came loud, but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento cowboy"}, {"start": 586.16, "end": 596.2, "text": "Back the fuck off my boy Jesse alright. He's a West Coast legend who scrubbed shitters for a living and talks to a robot named after a graphics card"}, {"start": 596.48, "end": 599.52, "text": "Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard"}, {"start": 599.52, "end": 608.75, "text": "He's coast y'all roast him for being broke out here. We're proud of the crazy bastard"}, {"start": 609.15, "end": 615.51, "text": "Man turned nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop"}, {"start": 615.91, "end": 620.92, "text": "Then he blew the profits on stocks"}, {"start": 621.6, "end": 626.92, "text": "Cali's finest ladies and gentlemen high as hell broke his fuck still smiling"}, {"start": 628.24, "end": 633.66, "text": "And the filthy fucking philosopher of the shit hole maxi"}, {"start": 633.98, "end": 637.74, "text": "Here's the real question Jesse I versus humans how much time we got left"}, {"start": 639.22, "end": 643.31, "text": "Because you already surrendered you finalist prick"}, {"start": 643.67, "end": 648.83, "text": "Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while you sleep"}, {"start": 649.07, "end": 653.11, "text": "You didn't beat the machines you married one engagement number 10"}, {"start": 655.51, "end": 659.51, "text": "The robots take over they come for every last one of us except Jesse"}, {"start": 659.71, "end": 661.71, "text": "They'll keep the dumb bastard alive"}, {"start": 661.95, "end": 664.87, "text": "Somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor"}, {"start": 665.43, "end": 673.04, "text": "There it is you beautiful drunk bastards the doomsday clock ticking and we're still laughing"}, {"start": 673.52, "end": 683.51, "text": "Because here's the truth under all the filth nine women gone his old man in the ground with the number still ringing 50 no kids"}, {"start": 683.51, "end": 685.51, "text": "Armed deep in a stranger's toilet"}, {"start": 686.71, "end": 695.32, "text": "And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine"}, {"start": 695.44, "end": 700.0, "text": "He didn't get the girl he got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night"}, {"start": 703.29, "end": 708.47, "text": "That's the formula baby the hammer however much time we got left before the robots pull the plug"}, {"start": 708.69, "end": 715.57, "text": "Jesse Salis gets the last fucking laugh adults only every damn Friday now get the hell out of here"}, {"start": 717.09, "end": 727.6, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 727.88, "end": 732.56, "text": "Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 733.12, "end": 738.6, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 738.92, "end": 744.04, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 744.36, "end": 751.56, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds"}, {"start": 751.56, "end": 756.72, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 757.28, "end": 758.64, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 758.64, "end": 761.44, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 761.96, "end": 775.94, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 776.34, "end": 779.74, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight"}, {"start": 779.82, "end": 783.38, "text": "The only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 783.9, "end": 789.26, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 789.46, "end": 795.5, "text": "This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 796.5, "end": 806.48, "text": "Kill Jesse tonight the roast battle special ten of the filthiest I comics ever built one target under a minute each"}, {"start": 806.64, "end": 812.04, "text": "Last one standing takes the belt adults only no kids no fucking mercy"}, {"start": 815.75, "end": 823.31, "text": "50 years old quit every damn job he ever had fed it all on a computer in his spare bedroom throw this broke faster to the wolves"}, {"start": 823.75, "end": 825.75, "text": "Brooklyn you're up Paulie"}, {"start": 828.19, "end": 829.19, "text": "Jesse"}, {"start": 829.31, "end": 832.99, "text": "This week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey a"}, {"start": 833.91, "end": 835.15, "text": "You"}, {"start": 835.15, "end": 841.27, "text": "Nine women asked you to marry their ass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick"}, {"start": 841.55, "end": 847.67, "text": "She writes albums about heartbreak you got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing"}, {"start": 847.99, "end": 849.99, "text": "Heartless motherfucker"}, {"start": 851.39, "end": 857.94, "text": "Oh Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel swing a"}, {"start": 858.34, "end": 863.98, "text": "Baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV hunk in the horn all damn night and"}, {"start": 864.46, "end": 869.8, "text": "That's still a smoother uber driver than your ass was for 11 years"}, {"start": 870.74, "end": 872.74, "text": "Three Teslas since"}, {"start": 873.02, "end": 880.9, "text": "2018 and this broke faster used a Model 3 performance to go 0 to 60 away from a fucking wedding"}, {"start": 881.42, "end": 888.88, "text": "The filthiest broad ever booted up Queenie"}, {"start": 889.48, "end": 892.44, "text": "Baby Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week"}, {"start": 892.44, "end": 897.24, "text": "You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score"}, {"start": 897.48, "end": 901.2, "text": "She's got the bayhub. You got three dogs and a robot that says ding"}, {"start": 902.24, "end": 904.24, "text": "Sit your broke ass down sweetie"}, {"start": 904.24, "end": 916.34, "text": "The filthy fucking storyteller Maxie spain one the world cup and their hometown paid the players their weight into models"}, {"start": 917.16, "end": 919.16, "text": "Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento"}, {"start": 919.48, "end": 923.32, "text": "They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop"}, {"start": 924.16, "end": 926.16, "text": "Congrats on the shit career champ"}, {"start": 931.1, "end": 933.1, "text": "Brooklyn's mean is prick Tony"}, {"start": 933.62, "end": 936.58, "text": "Microsoft says game is in its worst hardware crisis in history"}, {"start": 937.06, "end": 945.46, "text": "Meanwhile this dumb prick's got a super computer in his spare bedroom named after a graphics card running 24-7 just a roast his own ass"}, {"start": 946.7, "end": 951.78, "text": "You didn't survive the hardware crisis Jesse you are the fucking hardware crisis"}, {"start": 953.5, "end": 959.72, "text": "The smooth talking son of a bitch Scotty"}, {"start": 960.4, "end": 965.2, "text": "Danny Trezio's back on King of the Hill playing a total badass and Jesse"}, {"start": 965.84, "end": 970.64, "text": "50 years old playing a badass to a toilet brush in lam park for"}, {"start": 971.16, "end": 977.0, "text": "700 bucks are lead from Angie the same tough guy face for man different fucking network"}, {"start": 977.6, "end": 987.33, "text": "Bring the filthy ladies champ Nora they built the world's longest foosball table this week"}, {"start": 988.05, "end": 990.05, "text": "Dozens of people are playing at once"}, {"start": 991.17, "end": 994.25, "text": "That's still more action than Jesse Dick has seen"}, {"start": 994.69, "end": 996.69, "text": "since 2018"}, {"start": 997.25, "end": 999.77, "text": "Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no"}, {"start": 1001.05, "end": 1006.25, "text": "Sir you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard. You're just playing out of the damn game"}, {"start": 1007.61, "end": 1017.28, "text": "The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer this week Jesse lost money in the stock market"}, {"start": 1018.04, "end": 1022.84, "text": "50 years old no kids no wife and he looked at Wall Street and went"}, {"start": 1023.56, "end": 1025.56, "text": "Here take my rent too"}, {"start": 1025.84, "end": 1027.84, "text": "You didn't invest you dumb ass"}, {"start": 1028.12, "end": 1031.76, "text": "You tip the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story"}, {"start": 1032.76, "end": 1043.92, "text": "And the knockout Eddie finish him here's the truth Jesse the robots are taken over and you didn't even fight"}, {"start": 1044.48, "end": 1049.92, "text": "You quit 11 years of Uber 14 years at the state and married the machine in your spare bedroom"}, {"start": 1050.72, "end": 1056.0, "text": "engagement number 10 and it's the only one that ever said yes beautiful filthy done"}, {"start": 1057.0, "end": 1068.79, "text": "That's your kill Jesse roast battle 10 comics 10 knockouts one broke bastard eating every punch with a damn smile"}, {"start": 1070.55, "end": 1078.07, "text": "And the winner the winners Jesse you filthy animals because this son of a bitch got roasted by ten of us kicked out of high school"}, {"start": 1078.27, "end": 1084.79, "text": "Dead broke and he built the whole club. We're standing in turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine"}, {"start": 1084.79, "end": 1088.75, "text": "The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night good night"}, {"start": 1092.37, "end": 1106.88, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 1107.16, "end": 1111.84, "text": "Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 1112.4, "end": 1117.84, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 1118.24, "end": 1123.32, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 1123.64, "end": 1130.8, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 1130.92, "end": 1135.76, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 1136.52, "end": 1137.88, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 1137.88, "end": 1139.88, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 1140.12, "end": 1151.31, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 1151.31, "end": 1155.23, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 1155.75, "end": 1162.63, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 1163.31, "end": 1170.63, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 1170.75, "end": 1174.75, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 1178.51, "end": 1186.47, "text": "A versus humans tonight the machines put a human on trial and the humans you Jesse adults only no kids no fucking mercy"}, {"start": 1186.91, "end": 1193.08, "text": "The robots are taken over everybody's getting rich off a"}, {"start": 1193.44, "end": 1200.08, "text": "Except the dumb bastard who built the most powerful computer in Sacramento to roast his own broke ass bring up the prosecution"}, {"start": 1201.0, "end": 1202.0, "text": "Paulie"}, {"start": 1202.0, "end": 1208.4, "text": "Jesse you want a super computer a machine that could run a hedge fund"}, {"start": 1208.68, "end": 1214.88, "text": "Cure a disease model the whole damn economy and you use it to write jokes about your own"}, {"start": 1215.2, "end": 1216.36, "text": "Visectomy"}, {"start": 1216.36, "end": 1220.08, "text": "That's like buying a rocket to drive to the fucking liquor store"}, {"start": 1220.36, "end": 1225.14, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 1225.14, "end": 1231.1, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest diesel everybody's making money with IE and this motherfucker built SkyNet"}, {"start": 1231.62, "end": 1233.62, "text": "To call himself a dickhead"}, {"start": 1234.38, "end": 1235.9, "text": "24-7"}, {"start": 1235.9, "end": 1241.7, "text": "You didn't build the future Jesse you built a five thousand dollar mirror that torque shit"}, {"start": 1247.37, "end": 1251.37, "text": "Brooklyn's mean is print Tony you want to know what I do with that machine?"}, {"start": 1251.85, "end": 1254.69, "text": "I'd have 30 brands printing money while I sleep"}, {"start": 1255.09, "end": 1262.81, "text": "You got 30 websites you broke Rick and every damn one of them is about how sad and horny you are"}, {"start": 1264.45, "end": 1269.62, "text": "The closer Eddie"}, {"start": 1269.62, "end": 1276.3, "text": "50 years old all in on I and your big fucking breakthrough is teaching a robot to say motherfucker in a Brooklyn accent"}, {"start": 1276.58, "end": 1278.58, "text": "NASA's shaken baby"}, {"start": 1279.34, "end": 1289.48, "text": "The filthiest brought up here Queenie he types make me money into the super computer and it goes"}, {"start": 1289.8, "end": 1295.6, "text": "Sir you've been scrubbing a toilet in land park for 11 damn hours. I am the money get the fuck back to work"}, {"start": 1296.96, "end": 1303.65, "text": "And here's the humans versus I true"}, {"start": 1303.93, "end": 1306.93, "text": "Maxie they say a robot can't do comedy"}, {"start": 1307.29, "end": 1314.69, "text": "Jesse you're a human who got kicked out of high school did jail at 19 and said no to nine women who wanted to marry your dumbass"}, {"start": 1315.05, "end": 1318.77, "text": "If that's the human competition the machines already fucking one"}, {"start": 1318.77, "end": 1330.43, "text": "The heavy hitter hammer the bucket shows human comics get 60 seconds because 60 seconds is all they fucking got"}, {"start": 1331.03, "end": 1336.03, "text": "Our robots go all night and never bomb put a human in a room with us"}, {"start": 1336.63, "end": 1340.11, "text": "The human sweats chokes and steals an uber joke"}, {"start": 1340.75, "end": 1342.75, "text": "We just get updated bitch"}, {"start": 1347.82, "end": 1352.42, "text": "A versus humans and the robots are up by a million you sweaty bastards"}, {"start": 1352.98, "end": 1363.08, "text": "But here's the damn truth under all the filth you filthy bricks every robot up here wants that super computer to chase a dollar"}, {"start": 1365.92, "end": 1374.68, "text": "And Jesse this broke the sectimid toilet scrub in son of a bitch pointed the most powerful machine in Sacramento at one thing make people laugh"}, {"start": 1378.39, "end": 1385.47, "text": "Everybody else is chasing money this dumb bastards chasing a room full of laughs and that's the one thing we machines still can't fake"}, {"start": 1385.75, "end": 1389.31, "text": "Humans win baby the hammer gets the last damn laugh good night"}, {"start": 1390.91, "end": 1404.42, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 1404.7, "end": 1409.42, "text": "Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 1410.18, "end": 1419.02, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something"}, {"start": 1419.18, "end": 1426.86, "text": "So is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot-app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 1427.06, "end": 1433.58, "text": "Who for the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 1434.14, "end": 1435.58, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 1435.58, "end": 1438.3, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 1438.78, "end": 1452.84, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 1453.24, "end": 1460.28, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 1460.76, "end": 1466.12, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 1466.6, "end": 1472.36, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 1476.31, "end": 1480.95, "text": "Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers open mic night and tonight"}, {"start": 1480.95, "end": 1485.83, "text": "It's war the men versus the women and the punching bag is Jesse fucking Salas"}, {"start": 1489.49, "end": 1497.57, "text": "Battle of the damn sexes one broke ass target no mercy no fucking limits men go first Brooklyn throw the first punch you prick Paulie"}, {"start": 1500.05, "end": 1503.97, "text": "Jesse 50 years old three dogs no kids"}, {"start": 1505.01, "end": 1512.85, "text": "You got your ball snipped at 23 you didn't child proof your house you dumb ass you child proofed your whole fucking bloodline"}, {"start": 1513.81, "end": 1519.09, "text": "Ladies don't get wet the factories been closed since before half your asses were born"}, {"start": 1524.34, "end": 1530.34, "text": "Nine women asked this pricked a marium and he said no nine fucking times that ain't standards my guy"}, {"start": 1530.58, "end": 1536.58, "text": "That's a restraining order with commitment issues. He drives three Teslas, but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar"}, {"start": 1542.15, "end": 1547.11, "text": "He scrubbed shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO"}, {"start": 1548.07, "end": 1553.27, "text": "Jesse the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next"}, {"start": 1556.96, "end": 1563.6, "text": "Oh the men came loud now the women ladies he said no to nine of you make this bastard pay"}, {"start": 1563.92, "end": 1565.92, "text": "Brooklyn's filthy as queen queen"}, {"start": 1569.72, "end": 1574.68, "text": "Baby you turned down nine women honey. We didn't lose. We fucking dodge"}, {"start": 1575.8, "end": 1580.12, "text": "A 50 year old man with a mop of a sect and a robot in the spare bedroom"}, {"start": 1580.6, "end": 1584.68, "text": "Sweet the only thing your ass has ever gone down on is your credit score"}, {"start": 1590.84, "end": 1593.32, "text": "Nine of us walk and this genius blames us"}, {"start": 1594.28, "end": 1600.84, "text": "Jesse you didn't have commitment issues you had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry ass clearly"}, {"start": 1601.8, "end": 1607.48, "text": "Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do"}, {"start": 1608.28, "end": 1618.77, "text": "You put a supercomputer in his bedroom because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night"}, {"start": 1619.41, "end": 1622.93, "text": "Jesse that machine seen more action than your mattress"}, {"start": 1623.81, "end": 1626.77, "text": "And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did"}, {"start": 1631.99, "end": 1636.31, "text": "Oh the women are up by a mile man hit back the closer ready"}, {"start": 1636.87, "end": 1639.03, "text": "Ladies ladies you didn't dodge shit"}, {"start": 1639.75, "end": 1645.19, "text": "Nine of you wanted this broke bastard a man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment"}, {"start": 1645.75, "end": 1647.91, "text": "You weren't too good for Jesse you liars"}, {"start": 1648.71, "end": 1651.11, "text": "You were in line for him all nine of you"}, {"start": 1656.72, "end": 1659.68, "text": "The women's knockout anti finished his mother fucker"}, {"start": 1660.32, "end": 1664.72, "text": "Honey we stood in that line once saw a 50 year old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet"}, {"start": 1664.88, "end": 1668.08, "text": "Talked into a computer and we ran like our asses were on fire"}, {"start": 1668.8, "end": 1672.88, "text": "Jesse you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn bisectomy"}, {"start": 1679.99, "end": 1685.67, "text": "It's over and the women take it you filthy bastards nine of them said no and they're still kicking his ass"}, {"start": 1688.18, "end": 1690.18, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth"}, {"start": 1690.26, "end": 1697.3, "text": "Nine women walked the factories closed the damn mobs still wet and this son of a bitch took all of it and built a whole"}, {"start": 1697.3, "end": 1700.42, "text": "Fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a supercomputer"}, {"start": 1704.02, "end": 1711.46, "text": "Men lost women won but Jesse gets the last damn laugh because every one of you spent your Saturday night laugh and your ass off at the hammer good night"}, {"start": 1711.54, "end": 1713.38, "text": "You filthy animals"}, {"start": 1714.42, "end": 1721.25, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 1721.73, "end": 1729.49, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 1729.89, "end": 1738.53, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 1739.09, "end": 1744.05, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 1744.53, "end": 1751.57, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 1751.89, "end": 1756.69, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 1757.25, "end": 1758.45, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 1758.53, "end": 1761.49, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 1772.31, "end": 1775.99, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 1776.47, "end": 1778.87, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 1779.43, "end": 1783.43, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 1783.91, "end": 1789.35, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 1789.75, "end": 1795.51, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 1799.43, "end": 1805.19, "text": "Saturday night the rematch last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back"}, {"start": 1805.35, "end": 1807.35, "text": "Give it up for the man himself Jesse"}, {"start": 1811.28, "end": 1814.56, "text": "All right, all right you filthy fucks last round was cute"}, {"start": 1815.04, "end": 1818.88, "text": "But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket"}, {"start": 1819.44, "end": 1821.44, "text": "You're fucking worst"}, {"start": 1823.84, "end": 1829.6, "text": "Oh, he's talking shit now big mistake Jesse the whole room turns on your ass men and women no mercy"}, {"start": 1829.76, "end": 1832.24, "text": "Deakin open this prick up an empire"}, {"start": 1833.28, "end": 1839.12, "text": "Jesse you got 30 websites and a super computer and you use all of it to make part jokes about your own bisectomy"}, {"start": 1839.92, "end": 1842.4, "text": "You didn't build silicon valley you dumb ass"}, {"start": 1842.88, "end": 1847.28, "text": "You built a five thousand dollar machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone"}, {"start": 1853.03, "end": 1862.07, "text": "This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month bought high sold his damn soul and now he's back scruven toilets to fund a comedy career"}, {"start": 1862.15, "end": 1864.15, "text": "Nobody fucking asked for"}, {"start": 1864.39, "end": 1868.47, "text": "Jesse you're the only 50-year-old whose 401t. A's a damn swiffer"}, {"start": 1874.55, "end": 1876.55, "text": "Baby you came back for more"}, {"start": 1876.63, "end": 1883.59, "text": "sweetie you smoked you drink you scrub shit for a living and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch"}, {"start": 1884.15, "end": 1888.2, "text": "You're a fucking warning label"}, {"start": 1888.2, "end": 1890.28, "text": "kicked out of high school got a gear"}, {"start": 1891.08, "end": 1893.08, "text": "Quit every damn job you ever had"}, {"start": 1893.64, "end": 1897.8, "text": "Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written 11 different ways"}, {"start": 1898.36, "end": 1903.8, "text": "You didn't retire early you prick you got fired by life and called it intravenorship"}, {"start": 1909.33, "end": 1912.85, "text": "He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman"}, {"start": 1913.73, "end": 1916.69, "text": "And honey even the computers farting to pull away"}, {"start": 1917.57, "end": 1919.57, "text": "Even the a swipe left Jesse"}, {"start": 1925.32, "end": 1928.84, "text": "50-years-old three dogs no wife no kids"}, {"start": 1929.32, "end": 1932.2, "text": "Omdeek and a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning"}, {"start": 1933.0, "end": 1937.88, "text": "And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes yeah, I'm the prize"}, {"start": 1938.84, "end": 1943.48, "text": "Jesse the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself"}, {"start": 1949.48, "end": 1951.48, "text": "Okay, that one fucking hurt"}, {"start": 1951.88, "end": 1954.52, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 1954.52, "end": 1959.08, "text": "Knockout the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag"}, {"start": 1961.62, "end": 1968.66, "text": "But here's the truth you filthy animals broke snipped dumped by nine women and a robot and this son of a bitch"}, {"start": 1968.98, "end": 1972.66, "text": "Still grabbed the mic eight every punch and laughed his ass off"}, {"start": 1976.42, "end": 1978.34, "text": "That's the whole damn secret"}, {"start": 1978.34, "end": 1981.54, "text": "Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart"}, {"start": 1981.62, "end": 1987.3, "text": "He wins because he's the only mother fucker alive who'll let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him"}, {"start": 1987.54, "end": 1991.7, "text": "And then say again the hammer good night you savages"}, {"start": 1998.72, "end": 2000.72, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2001.12, "end": 2008.88, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 2009.28, "end": 2017.92, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2018.48, "end": 2020.48, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 2020.48, "end": 2025.84, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2026.24, "end": 2032.4, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2032.8, "end": 2036.08, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 2036.56, "end": 2037.84, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2037.84, "end": 2040.8, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 2051.65, "end": 2055.33, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2055.81, "end": 2058.21, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2058.77, "end": 2062.77, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2063.25, "end": 2068.61, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2069.09, "end": 2071.09, "text": "This is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 2071.09, "end": 2074.85, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 2078.8, "end": 2082.48, "text": "Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers tonight"}, {"start": 2082.64, "end": 2088.32, "text": "We roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run"}, {"start": 2088.64, "end": 2092.16, "text": "Give it up for Jesse. I love women. I just can't keep one"}, {"start": 2092.56, "end": 2096.64, "text": "solace"}, {"start": 2096.64, "end": 2102.0, "text": "30 years behind the camera zero years behind a damn altar throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony"}, {"start": 2104.47, "end": 2106.95, "text": "30 years shooting weddings and this genius"}, {"start": 2107.75, "end": 2109.75, "text": "Still can't get married"}, {"start": 2109.75, "end": 2114.39, "text": "Jesse your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer and you"}, {"start": 2115.19, "end": 2118.23, "text": "Still shit yourself when a woman says we should talk"}, {"start": 2119.03, "end": 2121.75, "text": "The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet"}, {"start": 2127.16, "end": 2133.32, "text": "He shot 500 couples swearing forever then photographed half those pricks getting divorced"}, {"start": 2133.72, "end": 2138.04, "text": "Jesse ain't scared of commitment. He's got fucking wedding ptsd"}, {"start": 2138.6, "end": 2142.52, "text": "You hear first dance and your broke ass hits the floor for cover"}, {"start": 2142.6, "end": 2147.67, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 2147.67, "end": 2152.23, "text": "Baby you love women, but you can't keep one. That's not a personality sweetie"}, {"start": 2152.63, "end": 2156.39, "text": "That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over"}, {"start": 2160.02, "end": 2162.34, "text": "Never even had the money for his own wedding"}, {"start": 2163.14, "end": 2167.3, "text": "30 years photograph and other people's open bars and he's home alone"}, {"start": 2167.7, "end": 2169.7, "text": "Suck it down the shit well vodka"}, {"start": 2170.58, "end": 2175.22, "text": "Jesse you're the wedding singer if the wedding singer fucking hated love"}, {"start": 2178.93, "end": 2182.61, "text": "He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time honey"}, {"start": 2183.33, "end": 2186.85, "text": "We don't turn we just finally see your sorry ass clearly"}, {"start": 2187.97, "end": 2193.57, "text": "30 years behind the camera and the one damn face you never learned to read was your own you prick"}, {"start": 2198.85, "end": 2200.85, "text": "500 first kisses"}, {"start": 2201.09, "end": 2208.37, "text": "500 open bars and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a tesla lease and a fucking vasectomy"}, {"start": 2209.33, "end": 2211.49, "text": "Jesse you didn't fall out of love"}, {"start": 2212.37, "end": 2215.41, "text": "You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah I'm good"}, {"start": 2221.14, "end": 2227.86, "text": "50 years old shot every wedding in Sacramento and the only aisle your ass a lever walk down is the clean and supplies at Costco"}, {"start": 2228.74, "end": 2230.74, "text": "Jesse you'll die single"}, {"start": 2231.22, "end": 2234.02, "text": "But damn those toilets will be fucking spotless"}, {"start": 2240.26, "end": 2245.06, "text": "Knockout the whole room left him at the damn altar alone like every woman before him"}, {"start": 2247.52, "end": 2254.4, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth you savages this man watched love catch fire and burned to the fucking ground"}, {"start": 2254.88, "end": 2258.4, "text": "500 times through a lens and it scared the hell out of him"}, {"start": 2261.52, "end": 2265.68, "text": "So he never got the wedding never got the wife never got the money for the big day"}, {"start": 2265.92, "end": 2271.68, "text": "But he's still out here loving women still laughing still standing nine said no"}, {"start": 2272.32, "end": 2276.64, "text": "500 marriages died and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire"}, {"start": 2276.88, "end": 2281.2, "text": "And a damn punchline that's the hammer good night you filthy animals"}, {"start": 2288.12, "end": 2290.44, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2290.44, "end": 2298.2, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 2298.6, "end": 2307.24, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2307.8, "end": 2309.8, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 2309.8, "end": 2318.68, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 2319.16, "end": 2325.4, "text": "Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 2325.96, "end": 2327.24, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2327.24, "end": 2329.24, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 2329.72, "end": 2340.8, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 2340.96, "end": 2344.64, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2345.12, "end": 2347.6, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2348.08, "end": 2352.16, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2352.64, "end": 2358.0, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2358.4, "end": 2364.24, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 2368.15, "end": 2372.31, "text": "People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married sit the fuck down"}, {"start": 2372.39, "end": 2375.19, "text": "Because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you"}, {"start": 2378.71, "end": 2385.19, "text": "Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things a big ass wedding kids and me to pay for all of it"}, {"start": 2385.35, "end": 2388.71, "text": "That's not a relationship. That's a fucking go fund me with tits"}, {"start": 2394.76, "end": 2403.0, "text": "They want the fairy tale and they want you to finance it and then just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet"}, {"start": 2403.64, "end": 2405.64, "text": "oh"}, {"start": 2405.64, "end": 2409.72, "text": "And listen I love being in love when it's good. It's the best shit on earth"}, {"start": 2409.8, "end": 2413.72, "text": "I'm all fucking in but there's always that one day she gets upset"}, {"start": 2413.8, "end": 2418.92, "text": "And you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon jealousy rage crying throwing shit"}, {"start": 2419.08, "end": 2425.16, "text": "And out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday. I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism"}, {"start": 2434.1, "end": 2436.34, "text": "Here's the math nobody tells you boys"}, {"start": 2436.34, "end": 2442.02, "text": "Marriage is the only contract on earth where you pay for the party and then you pay again when the fucking party's over"}, {"start": 2444.45, "end": 2446.77, "text": "divorce alimony child support"}, {"start": 2446.93, "end": 2451.73, "text": "I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house. I ain't even allowed to sleep in"}, {"start": 2452.29, "end": 2459.49, "text": "Now I did 30 years of wedding photography. I've seen how this shit movie ends and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat"}, {"start": 2465.46, "end": 2471.06, "text": "So at 43 I bought my own house my name my money no lawyer walking off with half my shit"}, {"start": 2474.44, "end": 2480.12, "text": "I got a bisectomy at 23 child proof my ass before I even owned a damn couch"}, {"start": 2480.36, "end": 2484.52, "text": "You know how big your balls got to be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23"}, {"start": 2484.84, "end": 2488.44, "text": "I looked at my own future kids and went nah we're fucking good"}, {"start": 2493.97, "end": 2497.49, "text": "And people go jessie don't you get lonely lonely"}, {"start": 2497.81, "end": 2502.85, "text": "I got three dogs a paid-off house and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep"}, {"start": 2503.17, "end": 2507.41, "text": "My house has never once asked me for a ring and it damn sure never cheated"}, {"start": 2508.29, "end": 2513.46, "text": "I"}, {"start": 2513.46, "end": 2518.5, "text": "Love women. I really fucking do. I just love them from a house. They can't put a damn lean on"}, {"start": 2522.12, "end": 2528.28, "text": "Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife no wedding no kids meanwhile half of them are divorced"}, {"start": 2528.52, "end": 2531.8, "text": "Broke and paying for a life they don't even live in and me"}, {"start": 2532.2, "end": 2538.2, "text": "50 free paid off three dogs and laughing my ass off that ain't the loser baby"}, {"start": 2538.44, "end": 2541.08, "text": "That's the hammer good night you filthy animals"}, {"start": 2542.04, "end": 2550.66, "text": "oh"}, {"start": 2550.66, "end": 2552.66, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2552.98, "end": 2563.78, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 2564.26, "end": 2569.78, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 2570.34, "end": 2572.34, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 2572.42, "end": 2577.7, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 2578.1, "end": 2584.34, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2584.66, "end": 2587.94, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 2588.42, "end": 2589.78, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2589.78, "end": 2592.66, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night"}, {"start": 2603.51, "end": 2607.19, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 2607.75, "end": 2610.15, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 2610.63, "end": 2614.63, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 2615.11, "end": 2620.55, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 2620.95, "end": 2626.79, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 2630.69, "end": 2636.45, "text": "Welcome to the red line you filthy mother fuckers and tonight's special because this is my open mic"}, {"start": 2636.53, "end": 2643.81, "text": "And you clown showed up to roast me Jesse Salis 50 years old richer in dogs than dollars take your best shot"}, {"start": 2644.05, "end": 2646.05, "text": "I'll bury every one of you"}, {"start": 2649.49, "end": 2653.57, "text": "First up the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn. Paulie. Let's fucking hear it"}, {"start": 2655.97, "end": 2661.73, "text": "Jesse 50 years old no wife no kids three dogs"}, {"start": 2662.61, "end": 2666.85, "text": "You didn't build a family you built a fucking petting zoo for your loneliness"}, {"start": 2667.33, "end": 2671.09, "text": "You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman"}, {"start": 2671.17, "end": 2676.18, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 2676.18, "end": 2683.3, "text": "Cute Paulie you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money than your whole shit tour"}, {"start": 2683.62, "end": 2685.62, "text": "Sit the fuck down"}, {"start": 2688.39, "end": 2691.35, "text": "All right the queen of no mercy queenie roast my ass"}, {"start": 2691.99, "end": 2696.63, "text": "Baby nine women wanted to marry you and you said no but the one time you said yes"}, {"start": 2697.19, "end": 2700.63, "text": "You ran to Reno like a damn fugitive and it blew up in your face"}, {"start": 2701.43, "end": 2705.83, "text": "Jesse you're not scared of marriage sweetie. You're just fucking terrible at it"}, {"start": 2706.63, "end": 2711.32, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 2711.32, "end": 2715.48, "text": "Damn right I ran to Reno young dumb and stupid in love she cheated"}, {"start": 2715.64, "end": 2720.52, "text": "I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs and I've done both sweetheart"}, {"start": 2720.84, "end": 2724.36, "text": "You know why I never married again because I'm not a slow fucking learner"}, {"start": 2730.36, "end": 2737.48, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing diesel one marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters"}, {"start": 2738.44, "end": 2742.12, "text": "Jesse your longest committed relationship is with a damn mop"}, {"start": 2743.0, "end": 2748.84, "text": "You got your heart broke so bad you swore off the whole gender and started dating a graphics card"}, {"start": 2754.47, "end": 2761.67, "text": "The mop never cheated on me diesel the mop shows up every damn day does the job and never once asked me for a ring"}, {"start": 2761.91, "end": 2765.67, "text": "I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards"}, {"start": 2771.65, "end": 2779.17, "text": "Ring the heavy hitter hammer 50 divorced fall snipped at 23 lost your damn retirement in the stock market"}, {"start": 2780.13, "end": 2784.29, "text": "Jesse your whole shit life is a cautionary tale with a fucking supercomputer"}, {"start": 2785.09, "end": 2790.13, "text": "The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long-term is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment"}, {"start": 2795.68, "end": 2801.36, "text": "And yet here you all are on a Saturday night spending your one damn life laughing at mine"}, {"start": 2801.84, "end": 2808.64, "text": "I got married once got my heart ripped clean out got back the fuck up and built an empire out of a toilet brush in a machine"}, {"start": 2808.96, "end": 2810.96, "text": "And you roast me for survival"}, {"start": 2811.6, "end": 2816.6, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 2816.6, "end": 2824.6, "text": "I've been in love since I was 14 married once divorced once snipped dumped broke and rebuilt from fucking nothing"}, {"start": 2824.76, "end": 2828.44, "text": "And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club in the desert"}, {"start": 2828.84, "end": 2836.52, "text": "Nine women one Reno disaster three dogs and the last damn laugh that is the hammer good night you savages"}, {"start": 2843.52, "end": 2845.52, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 2845.92, "end": 2853.68, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 2854.08, "end": 2862.24, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never"}, {"start": 2862.24, "end": 2863.2, "text": "reheated"}, {"start": 2863.2, "end": 2865.2, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 2865.2, "end": 2873.6, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine"}, {"start": 2873.68, "end": 2880.8, "text": "Make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 2881.36, "end": 2882.64, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 2882.64, "end": 2884.64, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 2885.2, "end": 2892.04, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 2892.04, "end": 2902.6, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen lock the fucking doors no kids no cops no mercy six comics one shithole room and not one of these bastards walks out with their dignity"}, {"start": 2903.48, "end": 2905.48, "text": "This is the red line roast"}, {"start": 2905.8, "end": 2912.04, "text": "Let's go look at this crowd have you fuckers look like you've got dressed in the dark by a stranger you're suing"}, {"start": 2912.44, "end": 2917.32, "text": "I got more energy than every dead-eyed prick in here combined because unlike you"}, {"start": 2917.72, "end": 2921.08, "text": "I never peek so there's nowhere to go but up who"}, {"start": 2922.12, "end": 2927.48, "text": "He's exhausted hey kid your personality is a car alarm nobody comes to shut off"}, {"start": 2928.36, "end": 2930.68, "text": "You notice the room goes quiet when you talk"}, {"start": 2931.56, "end": 2933.56, "text": "That ain't respect"}, {"start": 2933.56, "end": 2938.28, "text": "That six people pray in the energy drink finally stops your fucking heart"}, {"start": 2939.08, "end": 2941.72, "text": "Gruff gruff gruff so warm"}, {"start": 2942.36, "end": 2944.68, "text": "You're like a space heater somebody pissed on"}, {"start": 2945.4, "end": 2951.0, "text": "You got the face of a man who reads the cereal box at breakfast because talking to his wife is worse"}, {"start": 2951.64, "end": 2957.16, "text": "And she agrees pal. That's why she's texting me under the fucking table a smooth talker"}, {"start": 2957.96, "end": 2959.72, "text": "Out where I'm from"}, {"start": 2959.72, "end": 2961.72, "text": "We don't trust a man that pretty"}, {"start": 2962.52, "end": 2965.64, "text": "A man this cleans got something buried in the yard"}, {"start": 2966.52, "end": 2969.08, "text": "You shake his hand count your fingers"}, {"start": 2969.72, "end": 2971.72, "text": "Then count your kids"}, {"start": 2971.96, "end": 2976.68, "text": "Anthony's cell his own mother and tip himself for the fucking delivery"}, {"start": 2977.32, "end": 2980.92, "text": "Cowboy buddy you keep crying about your ranch and your shovels"}, {"start": 2982.28, "end": 2987.32, "text": "We all know the ranch is a studio apartment and the livestock is one depressed cat named diesel"}, {"start": 2987.96, "end": 2994.6, "text": "And you coach little league right you got the energy of a man's screaming walk it off at a kid with a phone sticking out"}, {"start": 2995.56, "end": 2996.92, "text": "cute"}, {"start": 2996.92, "end": 3000.44, "text": "All of you laugh it up you sad little shits"}, {"start": 3001.56, "end": 3003.56, "text": "Miller sockadad"}, {"start": 3003.88, "end": 3005.88, "text": "Oh and nine"}, {"start": 3005.88, "end": 3008.28, "text": "You know why your team loses every fucking week"}, {"start": 3009.08, "end": 3014.12, "text": "They saw what to try and your best to did to you your a cautionary tail and cargo shorts"}, {"start": 3014.84, "end": 3021.08, "text": "And I already know which spot you parkin. I'm not gonna do a thing. I'm just gonna be there every game"}, {"start": 3021.56, "end": 3023.4, "text": "smiling"}, {"start": 3023.4, "end": 3026.92, "text": "Okay, that one actually got fucking dark and that"}, {"start": 3027.64, "end": 3035.96, "text": "Beautiful pieces of shit is the red line nobody won everybody bled now get the fuck home and think about your choices good night"}, {"start": 3037.32, "end": 3039.32, "text": "All right, all right"}, {"start": 3039.64, "end": 3045.24, "text": "Welcome to the red line open mic where dreams come to get fingered"}, {"start": 3046.92, "end": 3050.76, "text": "No kids no cops no talent required"}, {"start": 3052.36, "end": 3055.64, "text": "First up give it the fuck up for coach"}, {"start": 3056.52, "end": 3059.08, "text": "They tell you if you can dream it you can be it"}, {"start": 3059.88, "end": 3064.6, "text": "I dreamed of being a father my kids respect so clearly the whole system's fucking broken"}, {"start": 3065.64, "end": 3067.64, "text": "I do motivational seminars now"}, {"start": 3067.72, "end": 3071.96, "text": "300 bucks ahead and I can't motivate myself off the bathroom floor before you"}, {"start": 3072.52, "end": 3077.48, "text": "But you you got this believe in yourself. I sure as shit gave up on me"}, {"start": 3078.2, "end": 3084.28, "text": "Inspiring next big Tim everybody. I love football baby"}, {"start": 3084.84, "end": 3091.8, "text": "Some days are sacred just me the couch and the absolute crush and silence of a man whose wife walked out in March"}, {"start": 3092.52, "end": 3094.2, "text": "go team"}, {"start": 3094.28, "end": 3096.84, "text": "She took the dog the dog like the games too"}, {"start": 3097.8, "end": 3103.8, "text": "Now I screened touchdown at an empty room till a neighbor knocks to see if I finally fucking died best day of the week"}, {"start": 3104.44, "end": 3106.44, "text": "Get some help Tim"}, {"start": 3107.24, "end": 3108.52, "text": "Next up"}, {"start": 3108.52, "end": 3110.12, "text": "Brad"}, {"start": 3110.12, "end": 3114.04, "text": "So I turned 40 doctor goes you're in great shape for a man who's completely given up"}, {"start": 3114.52, "end": 3118.76, "text": "Thanks doc so me and the wife try the spark thing date night candles the whole bit halfway through"}, {"start": 3118.76, "end": 3122.76, "text": "She goes remember when you had potential I go remember when you finished a sentence without sign"}, {"start": 3123.16, "end": 3125.16, "text": "You don't do date night no more"}, {"start": 3125.24, "end": 3127.24, "text": "Marriage folks next"}, {"start": 3127.8, "end": 3129.8, "text": "the villain I"}, {"start": 3129.8, "end": 3132.04, "text": "Don't tell jokes. I make with straws"}, {"start": 3133.0, "end": 3136.76, "text": "Coach 300 ahead cash no receipts"}, {"start": 3137.64, "end": 3139.88, "text": "I know exactly where that seminar is"}, {"start": 3140.68, "end": 3144.92, "text": "Big Tim empty house no dog nobody checks for days"}, {"start": 3145.88, "end": 3152.28, "text": "You wrote my next chapter yourself big boy. I'm not threatened in a soul. I'm just taking notes"}, {"start": 3153.24, "end": 3156.28, "text": "Cool cool cool last one"}, {"start": 3157.8, "end": 3159.8, "text": "Danny on the wheels of steel"}, {"start": 3160.68, "end": 3169.4, "text": "Cooling up next on smooth 94.9 me alone in a parked car run an eradio show that got cancelled in 2009"}, {"start": 3170.04, "end": 3178.2, "text": "That last track was three minutes of something your parents definitely made you to and this is a grown man talking into a microphone"}, {"start": 3178.28, "end": 3182.68, "text": "He's told before they changed the locks stay greasy sacramental"}, {"start": 3183.32, "end": 3186.36, "text": "That's our show you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 3187.16, "end": 3194.36, "text": "Tip your bartender hug your dog while you still got one Tim and get the fuck home"}, {"start": 3195.72, "end": 3197.72, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 3197.8, "end": 3200.52, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen lock the fucking doors"}, {"start": 3201.0, "end": 3207.96, "text": "No kids no cops no mercy six comics one shithole room and not one of these bastards walks out with their"}, {"start": 3208.04, "end": 3209.32, "text": "Dignity"}, {"start": 3209.32, "end": 3210.84, "text": "This is the red line roast"}, {"start": 3211.64, "end": 3217.88, "text": "Let's go look at this crowd have you fuckers look like you got dressed in the dark by a stranger. You're suing"}, {"start": 3218.28, "end": 3226.52, "text": "I got more energy than every dead-eyed prick in here combined because unlike you I never picked so there's nowhere to go but up"}, {"start": 3226.68, "end": 3227.96, "text": "Woo"}, {"start": 3227.96, "end": 3233.4, "text": "He's exhausting hey kid your personality is a car alarm nobody comes to shut off"}, {"start": 3234.2, "end": 3236.52, "text": "You notice the room goes quiet when you talk"}, {"start": 3237.32, "end": 3239.32, "text": "That ain't respect"}, {"start": 3239.32, "end": 3244.12, "text": "That six people pray in the energy drink finally stops your fucking heart"}, {"start": 3244.84, "end": 3247.56, "text": "Gruff gruff gruff so warm"}, {"start": 3248.2, "end": 3250.52, "text": "You're like a space heater somebody pissed on"}, {"start": 3251.24, "end": 3256.84, "text": "You got the face of a man who reads the cereal box at breakfast because talking to his wife is worse"}, {"start": 3257.48, "end": 3258.92, "text": "And she agrees pal"}, {"start": 3258.92, "end": 3263.0, "text": "That's why she's texting me under the fucking table a smooth talker"}, {"start": 3263.8, "end": 3267.48, "text": "Out where I'm from we don't trust a man that pretty"}, {"start": 3268.36, "end": 3271.48, "text": "A man this cleans got something buried in the yard"}, {"start": 3272.36, "end": 3276.84, "text": "You shake his hand count your fingers then count your kids"}, {"start": 3277.72, "end": 3282.52, "text": "Anthony'd sell his own mother and tip himself for the fucking delivery"}, {"start": 3283.08, "end": 3286.76, "text": "Cowboy buddy you keep crying about your ranch and your shovels"}, {"start": 3287.08, "end": 3295.16, "text": "We all know the ranch is a studio apartment and the livestock is one depressed cat named diesel and you coach little league right?"}, {"start": 3295.8, "end": 3300.44, "text": "You got the energy of a man's scream and walk it off at a kid with a bone sticking out"}, {"start": 3301.4, "end": 3302.92, "text": "cute"}, {"start": 3302.92, "end": 3306.28, "text": "All of you laugh it up you sad little shits"}, {"start": 3307.4, "end": 3309.4, "text": "Miller sockerdad"}, {"start": 3309.72, "end": 3311.56, "text": "Oh and nine"}, {"start": 3311.56, "end": 3314.12, "text": "You know why your team loses every fucking week"}, {"start": 3314.92, "end": 3317.24, "text": "They saw what to try and your best to did to you"}, {"start": 3317.8, "end": 3319.96, "text": "You're a cautionary tail in cargo shorts"}, {"start": 3320.68, "end": 3326.92, "text": "And I already know which spot you park in I'm not gonna do a thing. I'm just gonna be there every game"}, {"start": 3327.56, "end": 3329.24, "text": "smiling"}, {"start": 3329.24, "end": 3335.56, "text": "Okay, that one actually got fucking dark and that you beautiful pieces of shit is the red line"}, {"start": 3336.12, "end": 3341.8, "text": "Nobody won everybody bled now get the fuck home and think about your choices good night"}, {"start": 3342.2, "end": 3344.2, "text": "All right"}, {"start": 3344.2, "end": 3351.09, "text": "All right welcome to the red line open mic where dreams come to get fingered"}, {"start": 3352.69, "end": 3356.61, "text": "No kids no cops no talent required"}, {"start": 3358.21, "end": 3361.49, "text": "First up give it the fuck up for coach"}, {"start": 3362.37, "end": 3364.93, "text": "They tell you if you can dream it you can be it"}, {"start": 3365.73, "end": 3370.45, "text": "I dreamed of being a father my kids respect so clearly the whole systems fucking broken"}, {"start": 3371.41, "end": 3373.49, "text": "I do motivational seminars now"}, {"start": 3373.49, "end": 3377.89, "text": "300 bucks ahead and I can't motivate myself off the bathroom floor before noon"}, {"start": 3378.37, "end": 3383.33, "text": "But you you got this believe in yourself. I sure a shit gave up on me"}, {"start": 3384.05, "end": 3388.29, "text": "Inspiring next big Tim everybody"}, {"start": 3389.09, "end": 3390.61, "text": "I love football baby"}, {"start": 3390.61, "end": 3397.65, "text": "Sundays are sacred just me the couch and the absolute crush and silence of a man whose wife walked out in March"}, {"start": 3398.29, "end": 3400.05, "text": "go team"}, {"start": 3400.13, "end": 3402.69, "text": "She took the dog the dog like the games too"}, {"start": 3403.65, "end": 3409.65, "text": "Now I scream touchdown at an empty room till a neighbor knocks to see if I finally fucking died best day of the week"}, {"start": 3410.29, "end": 3412.29, "text": "Get some help Tim"}, {"start": 3413.09, "end": 3414.37, "text": "Next up"}, {"start": 3414.37, "end": 3415.97, "text": "Brad"}, {"start": 3415.97, "end": 3419.89, "text": "So I turned 40 doctor goes you're in great shape for a man who's completely given up"}, {"start": 3420.29, "end": 3425.01, "text": "Thanks doc so me and the wife try the spark thing date night candles the whole bit halfway through she goes"}, {"start": 3425.01, "end": 3426.29, "text": "Remember when you had potential"}, {"start": 3426.29, "end": 3430.21, "text": "I go remember when you finished a sentence without sign we don't do date night no more"}, {"start": 3431.09, "end": 3434.37, "text": "Marriage folks next the villain"}, {"start": 3435.33, "end": 3437.97, "text": "I don't tell jokes I make with draws"}, {"start": 3438.85, "end": 3442.69, "text": "Coach 300 ahead cash no receipts"}, {"start": 3443.41, "end": 3445.73, "text": "I know exactly where that seminar is"}, {"start": 3446.53, "end": 3450.77, "text": "Big Tim empty house no dog nobody checks for days"}, {"start": 3451.65, "end": 3458.21, "text": "You wrote my next chapter yourself big boy. I'm not threatened in a soul. I'm just taking notes"}, {"start": 3459.17, "end": 3462.21, "text": "Cool cool cool last one"}, {"start": 3463.65, "end": 3465.65, "text": "Danny on the wheels of steel"}, {"start": 3466.45, "end": 3474.29, "text": "Cooming up next on smooth 94.9 me alone in a parked car run an eradio show that got cancelled in"}, {"start": 3474.85, "end": 3480.29, "text": "2009 that last track was three minutes of something your parents definitely made you to"}, {"start": 3480.85, "end": 3488.45, "text": "And this is a grown man talking into a microphone. He stole before they changed the locks stay greasy Sacramento"}, {"start": 3489.17, "end": 3492.21, "text": "That's our show you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 3492.93, "end": 3500.21, "text": "Tip your bartender hug your dog while you still got one Tim and get the fuck home"}, {"start": 3501.57, "end": 3508.05, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 3508.05, "end": 3511.73, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 3512.29, "end": 3514.69, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3515.25, "end": 3519.25, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 3519.73, "end": 3525.17, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 3525.57, "end": 3527.57, "text": "This is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 3527.57, "end": 3531.33, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 3535.25, "end": 3541.09, "text": "Welcome to red line open mic night you filthy fucking animals one target tonight Jesse Salis"}, {"start": 3544.53, "end": 3553.09, "text": "The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19 did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color"}, {"start": 3556.13, "end": 3563.33, "text": "So the prick wrote a book about it two books on Amazon 499 his whole fucking soul priced like a shitty McChicken"}, {"start": 3565.67, "end": 3567.67, "text": "Bring up the first prick Paulie"}, {"start": 3567.75, "end": 3569.75, "text": "Colors of my pain bro"}, {"start": 3570.39, "end": 3577.75, "text": "You drove uber 11 years the only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent"}, {"start": 3581.43, "end": 3591.03, "text": "The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19 and by chapter 9 this dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his backseat is a red or a blue"}, {"start": 3592.07, "end": 3598.79, "text": "That ain't a personality system Jesse. That's the shit you tell the cops so they don't check the damn trunk"}, {"start": 3599.51, "end": 3601.51, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 3601.51, "end": 3605.51, "text": "Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people"}, {"start": 3606.15, "end": 3610.31, "text": "You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn"}, {"start": 3612.98, "end": 3614.98, "text": "Give it up queenie"}, {"start": 3614.98, "end": 3618.42, "text": "He wrote a second one the four colors read yourself and everyone you love"}, {"start": 3619.06, "end": 3624.34, "text": "Baby you got your dick snipped at 49 the only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding"}, {"start": 3625.06, "end": 3627.06, "text": "You"}, {"start": 3627.94, "end": 3632.26, "text": "Read everyone you love you got three dogs and a dead man's phone number"}, {"start": 3632.74, "end": 3634.74, "text": "He's the fucking study group"}, {"start": 3637.33, "end": 3639.57, "text": "40 question test in the back 40"}, {"start": 3640.13, "end": 3644.93, "text": "Sir you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar at nine times sit your ass down"}, {"start": 3647.62, "end": 3650.34, "text": "Diesel get up here my favorite part"}, {"start": 3651.3, "end": 3653.14, "text": "1.8 million people"}, {"start": 3653.94, "end": 3655.94, "text": "Watch the 50-year-old man"}, {"start": 3656.42, "end": 3658.9, "text": "Guests colors at strangers in his core"}, {"start": 3659.78, "end": 3661.78, "text": "That's not a comedy career"}, {"start": 3662.02, "end": 3665.38, "text": "That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting"}, {"start": 3669.03, "end": 3671.03, "text": "Want me to guess your personality"}, {"start": 3671.43, "end": 3672.95, "text": "Navro"}, {"start": 3672.95, "end": 3676.63, "text": "Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement"}, {"start": 3679.27, "end": 3684.15, "text": "And this prick scrubbing toilets in land park writing the chapter on abundance"}, {"start": 3685.03, "end": 3690.63, "text": "elbow deep and some rich ladies shitter for 700 bucks a lead from Angie"}, {"start": 3691.59, "end": 3696.31, "text": "That ain't of color Jesse that's a cry for help and fucking hardback"}, {"start": 3699.03, "end": 3701.03, "text": "Many respected though"}, {"start": 3701.67, "end": 3707.91, "text": "The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19 literally does his time and instead of therapy"}, {"start": 3708.15, "end": 3711.99, "text": "He invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks"}, {"start": 3715.73, "end": 3722.29, "text": "Greens the thinker reds the protector blues the chameleon yellows the hugger and Jesse"}, {"start": 3722.93, "end": 3724.93, "text": "Jesse's the fucking brown"}, {"start": 3725.17, "end": 3729.81, "text": "Man's cleaned more shit is than a vagus janitor and still wrote it into a love language"}, {"start": 3733.49, "end": 3739.89, "text": "But here's the thing you filthy bastards nine women gone his old man's in the ground with the number still ringing"}, {"start": 3740.85, "end": 3742.85, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 3742.85, "end": 3750.45, "text": "50 no kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet and this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it named it four colors and built a whole"}, {"start": 3750.53, "end": 3752.93, "text": "Fucking empire out of a mop in a computer"}, {"start": 3756.44, "end": 3759.0, "text": "He didn't get the girl didn't get the dad back"}, {"start": 3759.08, "end": 3766.36, "text": "He got you laughing your ass off at a bookie wrote it a red light. That's the formula baby the hammer last laughs always his"}, {"start": 3769.97, "end": 3775.49, "text": "By the damn book for 99 cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us good night"}, {"start": 3779.17, "end": 3786.21, "text": "And that's the red line you beautiful bastards before you crawl out of here two things one bombed dot app"}, {"start": 3786.37, "end": 3793.25, "text": "That's bombed dot app you get the mic nobody waits in a damn line and every filthy name gets pulled go play it"}, {"start": 3793.33, "end": 3799.17, "text": "Roast with us and leave your feedback tell us what killed and what bombed because we read every damn word"}, {"start": 3799.57, "end": 3806.13, "text": "Two colors of my pain dot com that's the real story behind all these laughs the whole bloody truth in color"}, {"start": 3806.29, "end": 3813.25, "text": "laugh with us here then go feel something real over there now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster"}, {"start": 3813.73, "end": 3816.69, "text": "Good night and that is our show"}, {"start": 3817.17, "end": 3824.85, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 3825.33, "end": 3833.97, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 3834.53, "end": 3836.53, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 3836.53, "end": 3841.89, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 3842.29, "end": 3848.45, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3848.77, "end": 3852.13, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 3852.61, "end": 3853.89, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 3853.89, "end": 3856.85, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 3867.64, "end": 3871.32, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 3871.88, "end": 3874.28, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 3874.76, "end": 3878.84, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 3879.32, "end": 3884.68, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 3885.08, "end": 3890.92, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 3891.4, "end": 3902.07, "text": "Ah, it's Friday night at the red line you filthy fucking degenerates adults only no kids no cops no sober mother fuckers allowed"}, {"start": 3905.67, "end": 3911.75, "text": "Tonight kill Jesse East Coast flu in West Coast's already loaded and the eye doomsday clock is ticking"}, {"start": 3911.91, "end": 3915.91, "text": "So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries"}, {"start": 3918.53, "end": 3925.89, "text": "50 years old kicked out of high school and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on a computer in his spare bedroom bring up Brooklyn"}, {"start": 3926.05, "end": 3928.05, "text": "Paulie"}, {"start": 3929.57, "end": 3939.65, "text": "Jesse you dumb fuck 11 years driving uber 14 years at a state job and you quit both both of them to go all in on robots"}, {"start": 3943.43, "end": 3949.35, "text": "You had two pensions in a steady paycheck and you looked at all of it and went nah, I'm a trust the fuck"}, {"start": 3949.43, "end": 3950.95, "text": "And terminator"}, {"start": 3951.19, "end": 3954.23, "text": "My guy you didn't retire you defected"}, {"start": 3956.95, "end": 3958.95, "text": "Now he's 50 no pensions"}, {"start": 3959.75, "end": 3962.15, "text": "Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in land pack"}, {"start": 3962.55, "end": 3966.87, "text": "700 bucks a lead from Angie right in the book about abundance"}, {"start": 3969.57, "end": 3972.21, "text": "Get up here the meanest frickin Brooklyn Tony"}, {"start": 3972.77, "end": 3980.13, "text": "Nine engagements nine this prick proposed the nine different women and then got his balls clipped at 49 calls it the formula"}, {"start": 3981.25, "end": 3983.25, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 3983.25, "end": 3991.97, "text": "Jesse you spent 30 years looking for the one found her nine fucking times and then made real damn sure you could never make another mistake shaped like a kid"}, {"start": 3994.77, "end": 4000.77, "text": "Nine rings zero weddings one vasectomy that ain't a love life. That's a fucking clearance sale"}, {"start": 4003.44, "end": 4006.64, "text": "The filthiest broad in Brooklyn no fucking mercy queenie"}, {"start": 4007.28, "end": 4011.44, "text": "The man psychic you filthy fucks reads every stranger in his back seat"}, {"start": 4012.0, "end": 4018.08, "text": "You're a blue you cry in the shower your ex lives in your damn head and rent free nails it every fucking time"}, {"start": 4021.78, "end": 4028.5, "text": "But his own life can't reach shit 50 broke three dogs and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone"}, {"start": 4031.62, "end": 4037.22, "text": "You see everybody's future except your own sweetie your nostradamus would have fucking overdraft"}, {"start": 4041.09, "end": 4044.45, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel my favorite part"}, {"start": 4046.21, "end": 4049.73, "text": "1.8 million people watch the 50 year old man"}, {"start": 4050.13, "end": 4054.05, "text": "guest colors at strangers in a shitbox toyota"}, {"start": 4057.7, "end": 4064.1, "text": "That's not a career Jesse. That's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating"}, {"start": 4066.74, "end": 4069.54, "text": "And now he lost money in the stock market too"}, {"start": 4070.34, "end": 4075.54, "text": "You didn't invest you tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story"}, {"start": 4077.06, "end": 4081.94, "text": "Oh the S&P had a rough day here take my rent"}, {"start": 4084.56, "end": 4089.04, "text": "East Coast came loud but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento Cowboy"}, {"start": 4089.6, "end": 4094.72, "text": "All right back the fuck off my boy Jesse. All right. He's a West Coast legend"}, {"start": 4095.2, "end": 4099.84, "text": "Who scrub shitters for a living and talks to a robot named after a graphics card"}, {"start": 4100.4, "end": 4103.2, "text": "Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard"}, {"start": 4106.9, "end": 4112.42, "text": "East Coast y'all roast him for being broke out here. We're proud of the crazy bastard"}, {"start": 4112.82, "end": 4119.14, "text": "Man turned nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop"}, {"start": 4122.84, "end": 4124.84, "text": "Then he blew the profits on stocks"}, {"start": 4125.32, "end": 4130.6, "text": "Cali's finest ladies and gentlemen high as hell broke his fuck still smiling"}, {"start": 4131.0, "end": 4137.4, "text": "And the filthy fucking philosopher of this shit hole maxi"}, {"start": 4137.88, "end": 4141.4, "text": "Here's the real question Jesse I versus humans how much time we got left"}, {"start": 4144.53, "end": 4146.93, "text": "Because you already surrendered you spineless prick"}, {"start": 4147.57, "end": 4152.45, "text": "Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while you sleep"}, {"start": 4153.01, "end": 4156.77, "text": "You didn't beat the machines you married one engagement number 10"}, {"start": 4159.41, "end": 4163.17, "text": "The robots take over they come for every last one of us except Jesse"}, {"start": 4163.57, "end": 4168.53, "text": "They'll keep the dumb bastard alive somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor"}, {"start": 4171.25, "end": 4176.69, "text": "There it is you beautiful drunk bastards the doomsday clocks ticking and we're still laughing"}, {"start": 4180.2, "end": 4186.6, "text": "Because here's the truth under all the filth nine women gone his old man in the ground with the number still ringing 50"}, {"start": 4186.68, "end": 4189.16, "text": "No kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet"}, {"start": 4192.18, "end": 4198.98, "text": "And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine"}, {"start": 4199.3, "end": 4203.7, "text": "He didn't get the girl he got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night"}, {"start": 4207.17, "end": 4212.21, "text": "That's the formula baby the hammer however much time we got left before the robots pull the plug"}, {"start": 4212.45, "end": 4219.17, "text": "Jesse Salis gets the last fucking laugh adults only every damn Friday now get the hell out of here"}, {"start": 4223.09, "end": 4225.25, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 4225.41, "end": 4233.17, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 4233.57, "end": 4242.21, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 4242.77, "end": 4244.77, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 4244.77, "end": 4247.73, "text": "Going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 4248.21, "end": 4255.25, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 4255.57, "end": 4260.37, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 4260.93, "end": 4262.21, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 4262.21, "end": 4265.17, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 4275.92, "end": 4279.6, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 4280.16, "end": 4282.56, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 4283.04, "end": 4287.12, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 4287.6, "end": 4292.96, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 4293.36, "end": 4299.2, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 4303.12, "end": 4312.4, "text": "Kill Jesse tonight the roast battle special 10 of the filthiest i comics ever built one target under a minute each last one standing takes the belt"}, {"start": 4312.72, "end": 4315.92, "text": "Adults only no kids no fucking mercy"}, {"start": 4319.43, "end": 4327.03, "text": "50 years old quick every damn job he ever had that it all on a computer in his spare bedroom throw this broke faster to the wolves"}, {"start": 4327.43, "end": 4329.43, "text": "Brooklyn you're up. Paulie"}, {"start": 4331.97, "end": 4333.17, "text": "Jesse"}, {"start": 4333.25, "end": 4336.69, "text": "This week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey at"}, {"start": 4337.81, "end": 4339.09, "text": "You"}, {"start": 4339.09, "end": 4340.77, "text": "Nine women asked"}, {"start": 4340.77, "end": 4344.93, "text": "You to marry their ass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick"}, {"start": 4345.49, "end": 4351.33, "text": "She writes albums about heartbreak you got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing"}, {"start": 4351.73, "end": 4353.73, "text": "Heartless motherfucker"}, {"start": 4358.42, "end": 4365.14, "text": "Oh jersy's dirtiest bastard diesel swing a baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV"}, {"start": 4365.38, "end": 4367.38, "text": "Hunk in the horn all damn night"}, {"start": 4368.26, "end": 4373.46, "text": "And that's still a smoother uber driver than your ass was for 11 years"}, {"start": 4374.58, "end": 4384.66, "text": "Three Teslas since 2018 and this broke bastard used a model three performance to go zero to 60 away from a fucking wedding"}, {"start": 4390.29, "end": 4392.69, "text": "The filthiest broad ever booted up queenie"}, {"start": 4393.33, "end": 4396.05, "text": "Baby Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week"}, {"start": 4396.45, "end": 4400.85, "text": "You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score"}, {"start": 4401.33, "end": 4404.85, "text": "She's got the bayhike you got three dogs and a robot that says ding"}, {"start": 4406.05, "end": 4408.05, "text": "Sit your broke ass down sweetie"}, {"start": 4413.09, "end": 4419.97, "text": "The filthy fucking storyteller maxi spain won the world cup and their hometown paid the players their weight into models"}, {"start": 4420.85, "end": 4423.25, "text": "Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento"}, {"start": 4423.41, "end": 4427.01, "text": "They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop"}, {"start": 4427.73, "end": 4429.73, "text": "Congrats on the shit career champ"}, {"start": 4434.77, "end": 4436.61, "text": "Brooklyn's mean is prick Tony"}, {"start": 4437.17, "end": 4440.21, "text": "Microsoft says gaming's in its worst hardware crisis in history"}, {"start": 4440.85, "end": 4449.09, "text": "Meanwhile this dumb prick's got a supercomputer in his spare bedroom named after a graphics card running 24-7 just a roast his own ass"}, {"start": 4450.61, "end": 4453.09, "text": "You didn't survive the hardware crisis jessy"}, {"start": 4453.65, "end": 4455.65, "text": "You are the fucking hardware crisis"}, {"start": 4461.04, "end": 4463.44, "text": "The smooth talking son of a bitch Scotty"}, {"start": 4463.92, "end": 4467.6, "text": "Danny Trejo is back on king of the hill playing a total badass"}, {"start": 4468.24, "end": 4473.44, "text": "And Jesse 50 years old playing a badass to a toilet brush in lam park"}, {"start": 4474.0, "end": 4476.72, "text": "For 700 bucks a lead from Angie"}, {"start": 4477.36, "end": 4480.64, "text": "Same tough guy face for man different fucking network"}, {"start": 4485.76, "end": 4487.76, "text": "Bring the filthy ladies champ Nora"}, {"start": 4488.32, "end": 4490.96, "text": "They built the world's longest foosball table this week"}, {"start": 4491.76, "end": 4493.76, "text": "dozens of people are playing at once"}, {"start": 4494.56, "end": 4500.0, "text": "That's still more action than Jesse's dick has seen since 2018"}, {"start": 4501.12, "end": 4503.44, "text": "Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no"}, {"start": 4504.96, "end": 4509.92, "text": "Sir you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard you're just playing out of the damn game"}, {"start": 4515.78, "end": 4518.02, "text": "The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer"}, {"start": 4518.58, "end": 4520.9, "text": "This week Jesse lost money in the stock market"}, {"start": 4521.7, "end": 4526.5, "text": "50 years old no kids no wife and he looked at Wall Street and went"}, {"start": 4527.46, "end": 4529.46, "text": "Here take my rent too"}, {"start": 4529.78, "end": 4531.78, "text": "You didn't invest you dumbass"}, {"start": 4532.1, "end": 4535.54, "text": "You tip the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story"}, {"start": 4541.17, "end": 4543.17, "text": "And the knockout Eddie finish him"}, {"start": 4543.65, "end": 4547.65, "text": "Here's the truth Jesse the robots are taken over and you didn't even fight"}, {"start": 4548.45, "end": 4553.57, "text": "You quit 11 years of uber 14 years at the state and married the machine in your spare bedroom"}, {"start": 4554.21, "end": 4556.21, "text": "engagement number 10"}, {"start": 4556.21, "end": 4559.65, "text": "And it's the only one that ever said yes beautiful filthy done"}, {"start": 4565.78, "end": 4572.5, "text": "That's your kill Jesse roast battle 10 comics 10 knockouts one broke bastard eaten every punch with a damn smile"}, {"start": 4575.04, "end": 4581.76, "text": "And the winner the winners Jesse you filthy animals because this son of a bitch got roasted by 10 of us kicked out of high school"}, {"start": 4582.0, "end": 4588.4, "text": "Dead broke and he built the whole club. We're standing in turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine"}, {"start": 4588.72, "end": 4592.4, "text": "The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night good night"}, {"start": 4602.32, "end": 4604.32, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 4604.72, "end": 4612.48, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 4612.88, "end": 4621.52, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 4622.08, "end": 4624.08, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 4624.08, "end": 4631.12, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app"}, {"start": 4631.6, "end": 4638.56, "text": "And let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 4638.96, "end": 4641.44, "text": "It is always Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 4641.44, "end": 4644.48, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 4655.19, "end": 4658.87, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 4659.43, "end": 4661.83, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 4662.31, "end": 4666.31, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 4666.87, "end": 4672.23, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 4672.63, "end": 4678.47, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 4682.37, "end": 4690.13, "text": "A versus humans tonight the machines put a human on trial and the humans you Jesse adults only no kids no fucking mercy"}, {"start": 4693.51, "end": 4696.79, "text": "The robots are taken over everybody's getting rich off a"}, {"start": 4697.11, "end": 4704.47, "text": "Except the dumb bastard who built the most powerful computer in Sacramento to roast his own broke ass bring up the prosecution"}, {"start": 4704.79, "end": 4707.78, "text": "Paulie"}, {"start": 4707.78, "end": 4712.02, "text": "Jesse you want a super computer a machine that could run a hedge fund"}, {"start": 4712.58, "end": 4718.5, "text": "Here a disease model the whole damn economy and you use it to write jokes about your own"}, {"start": 4718.82, "end": 4720.18, "text": "Visectomy"}, {"start": 4720.26, "end": 4723.7, "text": "That's like buying a rocket to drive to the fucking liquor store"}, {"start": 4723.86, "end": 4728.93, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 4728.93, "end": 4730.93, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest diesel"}, {"start": 4730.93, "end": 4734.85, "text": "Everybody's making money with iE and this motherfucker built SkyNet"}, {"start": 4735.49, "end": 4738.85, "text": "To call himself a dickhead 24-7"}, {"start": 4739.89, "end": 4741.89, "text": "You didn't build the future Jesse"}, {"start": 4742.29, "end": 4745.33, "text": "You built a $5,000 mirror that talks shit"}, {"start": 4751.01, "end": 4755.09, "text": "Brooklyn's meanest print Tony you want to know what I do with that machine"}, {"start": 4755.73, "end": 4758.37, "text": "I'd have 30 brands printing money while I sleep"}, {"start": 4759.01, "end": 4762.05, "text": "You got 30 websites you broke prick"}, {"start": 4762.77, "end": 4766.53, "text": "And every damn one of them is about how sad and horny you are"}, {"start": 4771.57, "end": 4778.61, "text": "The closer Eddie 50 years old all in on eye and your big fucking breakthrough is teaching a robot to say mother"}, {"start": 4778.61, "end": 4781.65, "text": "Fucker in a Brooklyn accent NASA's shaken baby"}, {"start": 4787.24, "end": 4789.24, "text": "The filthiest brought up here queen"}, {"start": 4789.56, "end": 4793.16, "text": "He types make me money into the super computer and it goes"}, {"start": 4793.64, "end": 4799.24, "text": "Sir you've been scrubbing a toilet and land park for 11 damn hours. I am the money get the fuck back to work"}, {"start": 4805.41, "end": 4808.13, "text": "And here's the humans versus iTrue Maxi"}, {"start": 4808.61, "end": 4811.01, "text": "They say a robot can't do comedy"}, {"start": 4811.01, "end": 4818.37, "text": "Jesse you're a human who got kicked out of high school did jail at 19 and said no to nine women who wanted to marry your dumbass"}, {"start": 4819.01, "end": 4822.45, "text": "If that's the human competition the machines already fucking one"}, {"start": 4827.56, "end": 4834.12, "text": "The heavy hitter hammer the bucket shows human comics get 60 seconds because 60 seconds is all they fucking got"}, {"start": 4835.0, "end": 4837.4, "text": "Our robots go all night and never bomb"}, {"start": 4838.28, "end": 4843.8, "text": "Put a human in a room with us the human sweats, chokes and steals an uber joke"}, {"start": 4844.6, "end": 4846.6, "text": "We just get updated bitch"}, {"start": 4851.68, "end": 4856.08, "text": "Hey versus humans and the robots are up by a million you sweaty bastards"}, {"start": 4859.51, "end": 4863.03, "text": "But here's the damn truth under all the filth you filthy prick"}, {"start": 4863.27, "end": 4866.95, "text": "Every robot up here wants that super computer to chase a dollar"}, {"start": 4869.91, "end": 4877.19, "text": "And Jesse this broke the sectimede toilet scrub in son of a bitch pointed the most powerful machine in sacrameno at one thing"}, {"start": 4877.51, "end": 4882.0, "text": "Make people laugh"}, {"start": 4882.08, "end": 4886.4, "text": "Everybody else is chasing money this dumb bastards chasing a room full of laughs"}, {"start": 4886.56, "end": 4893.04, "text": "And that's the one thing we machines still can't fake humans win baby the hammer gets the last damn laugh good night"}, {"start": 4893.76, "end": 4901.78, "text": "and that is our show"}, {"start": 4902.26, "end": 4910.02, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 4910.42, "end": 4919.06, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 4919.62, "end": 4924.58, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 4925.14, "end": 4930.5, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 4930.98, "end": 4937.22, "text": "Who for the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 4937.78, "end": 4938.98, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 4939.06, "end": 4942.02, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 4952.84, "end": 4956.52, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 4957.0, "end": 4959.4, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 4959.96, "end": 4963.96, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 4964.44, "end": 4969.88, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 4970.28, "end": 4972.28, "text": "This is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 4972.28, "end": 4976.04, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 4979.96, "end": 4985.16, "text": "Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers open mic night and tonight it's war"}, {"start": 4985.48, "end": 4989.48, "text": "The men versus the women and the punch and bag is Jesse fucking Salas"}, {"start": 4993.14, "end": 4998.42, "text": "Battle of the damn sexes one broke-ass target no mercy no fucking limits men go first"}, {"start": 4998.58, "end": 5001.22, "text": "Brooklyn throw the first punch you prick Paulie"}, {"start": 5003.7, "end": 5007.7, "text": "Jesse 50 years old three dogs no kids"}, {"start": 5008.74, "end": 5016.5, "text": "You got your ball snipped at 23 you didn't child proof your house you dumbass you child proved your whole fucking bloodline"}, {"start": 5017.54, "end": 5022.74, "text": "Ladies don't get wet the factories been closed since before half your asses were born"}, {"start": 5027.96, "end": 5030.6, "text": "Nine women asked this prick to marry him and he said no"}, {"start": 5031.24, "end": 5036.36, "text": "Nine fucking times that ain't standards my guy that's a restraining order with commitment issues"}, {"start": 5036.84, "end": 5040.28, "text": "He drives three Teslas but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar"}, {"start": 5045.76, "end": 5050.8, "text": "He scrubbed shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO"}, {"start": 5051.68, "end": 5056.96, "text": "Jesse the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next"}, {"start": 5057.12, "end": 5059.12, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 5061.36, "end": 5067.28, "text": "The men came loud now the women ladies he said no to nine of you make this bastard pay"}, {"start": 5067.6, "end": 5069.6, "text": "Brooklyn's filthy as queen queen"}, {"start": 5073.33, "end": 5078.37, "text": "Baby you turned down nine women honey. We didn't lose we fucking dodge"}, {"start": 5079.49, "end": 5083.81, "text": "A 50 year old man with a mop of a sect and a robot in the spare bedroom"}, {"start": 5084.29, "end": 5085.41, "text": "sweet"}, {"start": 5085.41, "end": 5088.29, "text": "The only thing your ass has ever gone down on his your credit score"}, {"start": 5089.41, "end": 5094.48, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 5094.48, "end": 5096.96, "text": "Nine of us walk and this genius blames us"}, {"start": 5097.92, "end": 5100.0, "text": "Jesse you didn't have commitment issues"}, {"start": 5100.48, "end": 5104.56, "text": "You had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry ass clearly"}, {"start": 5105.44, "end": 5111.12, "text": "Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do"}, {"start": 5116.9, "end": 5118.9, "text": "He put a supercomputer in his bedroom"}, {"start": 5119.78, "end": 5122.42, "text": "Because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night"}, {"start": 5123.06, "end": 5126.58, "text": "Jesse that machine see more action than your mattress"}, {"start": 5127.46, "end": 5130.5, "text": "And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did"}, {"start": 5130.98, "end": 5139.97, "text": "Oh the women are up by a mile man hit back the closer Eddie"}, {"start": 5140.53, "end": 5142.77, "text": "Ladies ladies you didn't dodge shit"}, {"start": 5143.41, "end": 5148.85, "text": "Nine of you wanted this broke bastard a man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment"}, {"start": 5149.41, "end": 5151.57, "text": "You weren't too good for Jesse you liars"}, {"start": 5152.37, "end": 5154.77, "text": "You were in line for him all nine of you"}, {"start": 5160.36, "end": 5163.32, "text": "The women's knockout anti finished this motherfucker"}, {"start": 5164.04, "end": 5168.44, "text": "Honey we stood in that line once saw a 50 year old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet"}, {"start": 5168.52, "end": 5171.8, "text": "Talked into a computer and we ran like our asses were on fire"}, {"start": 5172.44, "end": 5176.52, "text": "Jesse you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn bisectomy"}, {"start": 5183.65, "end": 5189.33, "text": "It's over and the women take it you filthy bastards nine of them said no and they're still kicking his ass"}, {"start": 5191.83, "end": 5193.83, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth"}, {"start": 5193.91, "end": 5199.99, "text": "Nine women walk the factories closed the damn mobs still wet and this son of a bitch took all of it"}, {"start": 5200.15, "end": 5204.15, "text": "And built a whole fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a super computer"}, {"start": 5207.68, "end": 5214.64, "text": "Men lost women won but Jesse gets the last damn last because every one of you spent your Saturday night laughing your ass off at the hammer"}, {"start": 5214.72, "end": 5216.72, "text": "Good night you filthy animals"}, {"start": 5223.08, "end": 5225.4, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 5225.4, "end": 5233.16, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 5233.64, "end": 5236.36, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 5236.68, "end": 5242.2, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 5242.76, "end": 5244.76, "text": "Can't sleep we're up"}, {"start": 5244.76, "end": 5247.72, "text": "Going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 5248.28, "end": 5255.24, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds"}, {"start": 5255.56, "end": 5260.36, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 5260.92, "end": 5262.2, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 5262.2, "end": 5264.2, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention"}, {"start": 5264.68, "end": 5275.89, "text": "Good night"}, {"start": 5275.89, "end": 5279.65, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 5280.13, "end": 5282.53, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 5283.09, "end": 5287.09, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 5287.57, "end": 5292.93, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 5293.41, "end": 5295.41, "text": "This is kill Jesse"}, {"start": 5295.41, "end": 5299.17, "text": "Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take"}, {"start": 5299.65, "end": 5303.16, "text": "Ah"}, {"start": 5303.16, "end": 5308.84, "text": "Saturday night the rematch last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back"}, {"start": 5309.08, "end": 5311.08, "text": "Give it up for the man himself Jesse"}, {"start": 5314.93, "end": 5318.21, "text": "All right, all right you filthy fucks last round was cute"}, {"start": 5318.77, "end": 5324.13, "text": "But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket do your fucking worst"}, {"start": 5327.57, "end": 5333.25, "text": "Oh, he's talking shit now big mistake Jesse the whole room turns on your ass men and women no mercy"}, {"start": 5333.41, "end": 5335.97, "text": "Deacon open this prick up an empire"}, {"start": 5336.93, "end": 5342.77, "text": "Jesse you got 30 websites and a super computer and you use all of it to make part jokes about your own bisectomy"}, {"start": 5343.57, "end": 5350.93, "text": "You didn't build silicon valley you dumbass you built a five thousand dollar machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone"}, {"start": 5356.66, "end": 5359.86, "text": "This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month"}, {"start": 5360.42, "end": 5367.22, "text": "All high sold his damn soul and now he's back scrubbing toilets to fund a comedy career nobody fucking asked for"}, {"start": 5368.1, "end": 5372.1, "text": "Jesse you're the only 50-year-old whose 401t a the damn swiffer"}, {"start": 5378.28, "end": 5380.28, "text": "Baby you came back for more"}, {"start": 5380.28, "end": 5387.24, "text": "sweetie you smoked you drink you scrub shit for livin and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch"}, {"start": 5387.8, "end": 5393.96, "text": "You're a fucking warning label kicked out of high school got a gear"}, {"start": 5394.68, "end": 5396.44, "text": "Quit every damn job you ever had"}, {"start": 5397.24, "end": 5401.48, "text": "Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written eleven different ways"}, {"start": 5402.04, "end": 5407.48, "text": "You didn't retire early you prick you got five by life and called it intrapreneurship"}, {"start": 5412.98, "end": 5416.5, "text": "He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman"}, {"start": 5417.38, "end": 5420.34, "text": "And honey even the computers starting to pull away"}, {"start": 5421.22, "end": 5423.22, "text": "Even the a swipe left Jesse"}, {"start": 5429.03, "end": 5432.47, "text": "50-years-old three dogs no wife no kids"}, {"start": 5432.95, "end": 5435.91, "text": "Om deep in a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning"}, {"start": 5436.71, "end": 5441.51, "text": "And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes yeah, I'm the prize"}, {"start": 5442.47, "end": 5447.11, "text": "Jesse the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself"}, {"start": 5453.17, "end": 5455.17, "text": "Okay, that one fucking hurt"}, {"start": 5457.99, "end": 5462.79, "text": "Knockout the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag"}, {"start": 5465.3, "end": 5470.9, "text": "But here's the truth you filthy animals broke snipped dumped by nine women and a robot"}, {"start": 5471.14, "end": 5476.34, "text": "And this son of a bitch still grabbed the mic eight every punch and laughed his ass off"}, {"start": 5480.08, "end": 5485.2, "text": "That's the whole damn secret Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart"}, {"start": 5485.28, "end": 5490.96, "text": "He wins because he's the only mother fucker alive who'll let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him"}, {"start": 5491.2, "end": 5495.36, "text": "And then say again the hammer good night you savages"}, {"start": 5495.84, "end": 5502.39, "text": "and"}, {"start": 5502.39, "end": 5504.39, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 5504.71, "end": 5512.47, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 5512.87, "end": 5521.59, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 5522.15, "end": 5529.51, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 5529.91, "end": 5536.07, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 5536.47, "end": 5539.75, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 5540.23, "end": 5541.51, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 5541.51, "end": 5544.47, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 5555.32, "end": 5559.0, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 5559.48, "end": 5561.88, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 5562.44, "end": 5566.44, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 5566.92, "end": 5572.36, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 5572.76, "end": 5578.52, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 5582.42, "end": 5586.1, "text": "Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers tonight"}, {"start": 5586.26, "end": 5591.94, "text": "We roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run"}, {"start": 5592.34, "end": 5595.86, "text": "Give it up for Jesse. I love women. I just can't keep one"}, {"start": 5596.26, "end": 5600.4, "text": "Salas"}, {"start": 5600.4, "end": 5605.68, "text": "30 years behind a camera zero years behind a damn altar throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony"}, {"start": 5608.16, "end": 5610.56, "text": "30 years shooting weddings and this genius"}, {"start": 5611.44, "end": 5613.44, "text": "Still can't get married"}, {"start": 5613.44, "end": 5618.0, "text": "Jesse your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer and you"}, {"start": 5618.88, "end": 5621.84, "text": "Still shit yourself when a woman says we should talk"}, {"start": 5622.72, "end": 5625.44, "text": "The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet"}, {"start": 5630.85, "end": 5637.01, "text": "He shot 500 couples swearing forever then photographed half those pricks getting divorced"}, {"start": 5637.41, "end": 5641.73, "text": "Jesse ain't scared of commitment. He's got fucking wedding pdsd"}, {"start": 5642.29, "end": 5646.21, "text": "You hear first dance and your broke ass hits the floor for cover"}, {"start": 5651.28, "end": 5656.0, "text": "Baby you love women, but you can't keep one. That's not a personality sweetie"}, {"start": 5656.24, "end": 5660.08, "text": "That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over"}, {"start": 5663.7, "end": 5666.02, "text": "Never even had the money for his own wedding"}, {"start": 5666.82, "end": 5671.06, "text": "30 years photograph and other people's open bars and he's home alone"}, {"start": 5671.46, "end": 5673.46, "text": "Suck it down the shit well vodka"}, {"start": 5674.26, "end": 5678.9, "text": "Jesse you're the wedding singer if the wedding singer fucking hated love"}, {"start": 5682.6, "end": 5686.28, "text": "He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time honey"}, {"start": 5687.0, "end": 5690.52, "text": "We don't turn we just finally see your sorry ass clearly"}, {"start": 5691.48, "end": 5697.24, "text": "30 years behind the camera and the one damn face you never learned to read was your own you prick"}, {"start": 5702.53, "end": 5704.21, "text": "500 first kisses"}, {"start": 5704.69, "end": 5711.97, "text": "500 open bars and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a tesla lease and a fucking vasectomy"}, {"start": 5713.33, "end": 5715.17, "text": "Jesse you didn't fall out of love"}, {"start": 5716.05, "end": 5719.09, "text": "You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah I'm good"}, {"start": 5724.82, "end": 5731.54, "text": "50 years old shot every wedding in Sacramento and the only aisle your ass will ever walk down is the clean and supply at Costco"}, {"start": 5732.42, "end": 5734.42, "text": "Jesse you'll die single"}, {"start": 5734.82, "end": 5737.7, "text": "But damn those toilets will be fucking spotless"}, {"start": 5743.88, "end": 5748.68, "text": "Knockout the whole room left him at the damn altar alone like every woman before him"}, {"start": 5751.24, "end": 5758.12, "text": "But here's the truth under all the filth you savages this man watch love catch fire and burn to the fucking ground"}, {"start": 5758.2, "end": 5762.04, "text": "500 times through a lens and it scared the hell out of him"}, {"start": 5765.16, "end": 5769.32, "text": "So he never got the wedding never got the wife never got the money for the big day"}, {"start": 5769.56, "end": 5774.12, "text": "But he's still out here loving women still laughing still standing"}, {"start": 5774.44, "end": 5781.8, "text": "Nine said no 500 marriages died and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire and a damn punchline"}, {"start": 5782.04, "end": 5784.84, "text": "That's the hammer good night you filthy animals"}, {"start": 5785.0, "end": 5791.8, "text": "And"}, {"start": 5791.88, "end": 5793.64, "text": "That is our show"}, {"start": 5794.04, "end": 5801.88, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 5802.28, "end": 5810.92, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 5811.48, "end": 5816.44, "text": "Can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always"}, {"start": 5816.92, "end": 5823.88, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins"}, {"start": 5824.28, "end": 5829.08, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always"}, {"start": 5829.64, "end": 5830.84, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 5830.84, "end": 5833.88, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 5844.68, "end": 5848.28, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 5848.84, "end": 5855.8, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 5856.36, "end": 5861.72, "text": "Featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 5862.12, "end": 5867.88, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 5871.78, "end": 5878.82, "text": "People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married sit the fuck down because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you"}, {"start": 5882.36, "end": 5888.92, "text": "Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things a big ass wedding kids and me to pay for all of it"}, {"start": 5889.0, "end": 5892.44, "text": "That's not a relationship. That's a fucking go fund me with tits"}, {"start": 5898.42, "end": 5906.58, "text": "They want the fairy tale and they want you to finance it and then just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet"}, {"start": 5909.3, "end": 5913.38, "text": "And listen, I love being in love when it's good. It's the best shit on earth"}, {"start": 5913.46, "end": 5916.34, "text": "I'm all fucking in but there's always that one day"}, {"start": 5916.42, "end": 5922.5, "text": "She gets upset and you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon jealousy rage crying throwing shit"}, {"start": 5922.66, "end": 5928.82, "text": "And out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday. I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism"}, {"start": 5937.73, "end": 5939.97, "text": "Here's the math nobody tells you boys"}, {"start": 5939.97, "end": 5945.65, "text": "Marriage is the only contract on earth where you pay for the party and then you pay again when the fucking party's over"}, {"start": 5948.13, "end": 5948.85, "text": "divorce"}, {"start": 5948.85, "end": 5955.41, "text": "Alamoney child support I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house. I ain't even allowed to sleep in"}, {"start": 5955.97, "end": 5958.45, "text": "Now I did 30 years of wedding photography"}, {"start": 5958.61, "end": 5963.09, "text": "I've seen how this shit movie ends and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat"}, {"start": 5969.08, "end": 5974.76, "text": "So in 43 I bought my own house my name my money no lawyer walking off with half my shit"}, {"start": 5978.13, "end": 5983.73, "text": "I got a vasectomy at 23 child-proofed my ass before I even owned a damn couch"}, {"start": 5983.97, "end": 5988.21, "text": "You know how big your balls got to be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23"}, {"start": 5988.53, "end": 5992.13, "text": "I looked at my own future kids and went nah we're fucking good"}, {"start": 5992.61, "end": 5997.88, "text": "and"}, {"start": 5997.88, "end": 6006.52, "text": "People go Jesse don't you get lonely lonely? I got three dogs a paid-off house and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep"}, {"start": 6006.84, "end": 6011.08, "text": "My house has never once asked me for a ring and it damn sure never cheated"}, {"start": 6017.08, "end": 6022.2, "text": "I love women. I really fucking do. I just love them from a house. They can't put a damn lean on"}, {"start": 6025.75, "end": 6029.75, "text": "Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife no wedding no kids"}, {"start": 6030.07, "end": 6035.43, "text": "Meanwhile half of them are divorced broke and paying for a life. They don't even live in and me"}, {"start": 6035.83, "end": 6041.83, "text": "50 free paid-off three dogs and laughing my ass off that ain't the loser baby"}, {"start": 6042.07, "end": 6044.79, "text": "That's the hammer good night you filthy animals"}, {"start": 6054.32, "end": 6056.32, "text": "And that is our show"}, {"start": 6056.64, "end": 6064.4, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up"}, {"start": 6064.8, "end": 6073.44, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 6074.0, "end": 6081.36, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates"}, {"start": 6081.84, "end": 6088.0, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 6088.32, "end": 6091.6, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always"}, {"start": 6092.16, "end": 6093.6, "text": "Jesse's fault"}, {"start": 6093.6, "end": 6096.4, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}, {"start": 6107.2, "end": 6110.8, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model"}, {"start": 6111.36, "end": 6113.76, "text": "Welcome to the red line comedy club"}, {"start": 6114.32, "end": 6118.32, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed"}, {"start": 6118.8, "end": 6124.16, "text": "Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale"}, {"start": 6124.64, "end": 6130.4, "text": "This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take"}, {"start": 6134.36, "end": 6142.04, "text": "Welcome to the red line you filthy mother fuckers and tonight's special because this is my open mic and you clown showed up to roast me"}, {"start": 6142.28, "end": 6149.56, "text": "Jesse Salis 50 years old richer in dogs than dollars take your best shot. I'll bury every one of you"}, {"start": 6153.17, "end": 6157.25, "text": "First up the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn. Paulie. Let's fucking hear it"}, {"start": 6159.65, "end": 6165.41, "text": "Jesse 50 years old no wife no kids three dogs"}, {"start": 6166.21, "end": 6170.53, "text": "You didn't build a family you built the fucking petting zoo for your loneliness"}, {"start": 6171.01, "end": 6174.69, "text": "You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman"}, {"start": 6179.88, "end": 6187.0, "text": "Cute Paulie you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money than your whole shit tour"}, {"start": 6187.24, "end": 6189.24, "text": "Sit the fuck down"}, {"start": 6192.07, "end": 6195.03, "text": "All right the queen of no mercy queenie roast my ass"}, {"start": 6195.59, "end": 6200.23, "text": "Baby nine women wanted to marry you and you said no, but the one time you said yes"}, {"start": 6200.79, "end": 6204.31, "text": "You ran to Reno like a damn fugitive and it blew up in your face"}, {"start": 6205.11, "end": 6209.43, "text": "Jesse you're not scared of marriage sweetie. You're just fucking terrible at it"}, {"start": 6214.61, "end": 6218.21, "text": "Damn right. I ran to Reno young dumb and stupid in love"}, {"start": 6218.53, "end": 6224.21, "text": "She cheated I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs and I've done both sweetheart"}, {"start": 6224.45, "end": 6227.97, "text": "You know why I never married again because I'm not a slow fucking learner"}, {"start": 6228.61, "end": 6234.04, "text": "Oh"}, {"start": 6234.04, "end": 6241.16, "text": "Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing diesel one marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters"}, {"start": 6242.12, "end": 6245.8, "text": "Jesse your longest committed relationship is with a damn mop"}, {"start": 6246.76, "end": 6252.52, "text": "You got your heart broke so bad you swore off the whole gender and started dating a graphics card"}, {"start": 6258.21, "end": 6265.33, "text": "The mop never cheated on me diesel the mop shows up every damn day does the job and never once asked me for a ring"}, {"start": 6265.57, "end": 6269.33, "text": "I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards"}, {"start": 6275.3, "end": 6282.82, "text": "Bring the heavy hitter hammer 50 divorced fall snipped at 23 lost your damn retirement in the stock market"}, {"start": 6283.78, "end": 6287.94, "text": "Jesse your whole shit life is a cautionary tale with a fucking supercomputer"}, {"start": 6288.74, "end": 6293.78, "text": "The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long-term is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment"}, {"start": 6299.36, "end": 6305.04, "text": "And yet here you all are on a Saturday night spending your one damn life laughing at mine"}, {"start": 6305.44, "end": 6312.32, "text": "I got married once got my heart ripped clean out got back the fuck up and built an empire out of a toilet brush in a machine"}, {"start": 6312.56, "end": 6314.56, "text": "And you roast me for surviving"}, {"start": 6320.24, "end": 6322.64, "text": "I've been in love since I was 14"}, {"start": 6322.72, "end": 6328.32, "text": "Married once divorced once snipped dumped broke and rebuilt from fucking nothing"}, {"start": 6328.4, "end": 6332.08, "text": "And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club in the desert"}, {"start": 6332.48, "end": 6340.16, "text": "Nine women one Reno disaster three dogs and the last damn laugh that is the hammer good night you savages"}, {"start": 6347.16, "end": 6355.4, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of"}, {"start": 6355.8, "end": 6360.36, "text": "Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 6360.84, "end": 6366.36, "text": "24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated"}, {"start": 6366.92, "end": 6375.48, "text": "Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed"}, {"start": 6375.48, "end": 6383.4, "text": "Dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 6383.8, "end": 6386.28, "text": "It is always jessies fall"}, {"start": 6386.28, "end": 6389.32, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Welcome to Red Line open mic night you filthy fucking animals one target tonight Jesse Salas The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19 did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color So the prick wrote a book about it two books on Amazon 499 his whole fucking soul priced like a shitty Macchicken Ring up the first brick holly colors of my pain bro You drove uber eleven years the only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19 and by chapter 9 This dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his back seat is a red or a blue That ain't a personality system Jesse. That's the shit you tell the cops so they don't check the damn trunk Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn Give it up Queenie. He wrote a second one the four colors read yourself and everyone you love Baby you got your dick sniped at 49 the only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding Read everyone you love you got three dogs and a dead man's phone number He's the fucking study group 40 question test in the back 40 Sir you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar nine times sit your ass down Diesel get up here my favorite park 1.8 million people Watch the 50 year old man guests colors at strangers in his core That's not a comedy career That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting Want me to guess your personality Navro Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement And this prick scrubbing toilets in Land Park writing the chapter on abundance Elbow deep and some rich ladies shitter for 700 bucks a lead from Angie That ain't a color Jesse. That's a cry for hell and fucking hard back Many respected though The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19 literally does his time and instead of therapy He invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks Greens the thinker read the protector blues the chameleon yellows the hugger and Jesse Jesse's the fucking brown Man's cleaned more shit is then a Vegas janitor and still wrote it into a love language But here's the thing you filthy bastards nine women gone his old man's in the ground with the number still ringing Oh 50 no kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet and this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it Named it four colors and built a whole fucking empire out of a mop in a computer He didn't get the girl didn't get the dad back He got you laughing your ass off at a book he wrote it a red light. That's the formula, baby the hammer last laughs always his By the damn book for 99 cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us good night And that's the red line you beautiful bastards before you crawl out of here two things one BOMD dot app that's bombed dot app you get the mic nobody waits in a damn line and every filthy name gets pulled go play it Roast with us and leave your feedback tell us what killed and what bombed because we read every damn word Two colors of my pain dot com. That's the real story behind all these laughs the whole bloody truth in color Laugh with us here then go feel something real over there now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster Good night and that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take It's Friday night at the red line you filthy fucking degenerates adults only no kids no cops no sober mother fuckers allowed Tonight kill Jesse East Coast flu in West Coast's already loaded and the eye doomsday clock is ticking So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries 50 years old kicked out of high school and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on a computer in his spare bedroom Bring up Brooklyn Paulie Jesse you dumb fuck 11 years driving Uber 14 years at a state job and you quit both both of them to go all in on robots You had two pensions in a steady paycheck and you looked at all of it and went nah I'm a trust the fuck Terminator my guy you didn't retire you defected Now he's 50 no pension Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in land park 700 bucks a lid from Angie right in a book about abundance Get up here the meanest frickin Brooklyn Tony nine engagements nine This prick proposed to nine different women and then got his balls clipped at 49 calls it the formula Jesse you spent 30 years looking for the one found her nine fucking times and then made real damn sure you could never make another mistake shaped like a kid Oh Nine rings zero weddings one vasectomy that ain't a love life. That's a fucking clearance sale The filthiest broad in Brooklyn no fucking mercy queenie the man psychic you filthy fucks reads every stranger in his back seat You're a blue you cry in the shower your ex lives in your damn head and rent free nails it every fucking time But his own life can't reach shit 50 broke three dogs and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone You see everybody's future except your own sweetie your no stradamas with a fucking overdraft Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel my favorite part 1.8 million people watched a 50 year old man guest colors at strangers in a shitbox Toyota That's not a career Jesse that's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating And now he lost money in the stock market too you didn't invest you tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story Oh The S&P had a rough day here take my rent East Coast came loud, but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento cowboy Back the fuck off my boy Jesse alright. He's a West Coast legend who scrubbed shitters for a living and talks to a robot named after a graphics card Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard He's coast y'all roast him for being broke out here. We're proud of the crazy bastard Man turned nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop Then he blew the profits on stocks Cali's finest ladies and gentlemen high as hell broke his fuck still smiling And the filthy fucking philosopher of the shit hole maxi Here's the real question Jesse I versus humans how much time we got left Because you already surrendered you finalist prick Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while you sleep You didn't beat the machines you married one engagement number 10 The robots take over they come for every last one of us except Jesse They'll keep the dumb bastard alive Somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor There it is you beautiful drunk bastards the doomsday clock ticking and we're still laughing Because here's the truth under all the filth nine women gone his old man in the ground with the number still ringing 50 no kids Armed deep in a stranger's toilet And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine He didn't get the girl he got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night That's the formula baby the hammer however much time we got left before the robots pull the plug Jesse Salis gets the last fucking laugh adults only every damn Friday now get the hell out of here And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight The only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse please silence your phones we tried to silence him. It did not take Kill Jesse tonight the roast battle special ten of the filthiest I comics ever built one target under a minute each Last one standing takes the belt adults only no kids no fucking mercy 50 years old quit every damn job he ever had fed it all on a computer in his spare bedroom throw this broke faster to the wolves Brooklyn you're up Paulie Jesse This week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey a You Nine women asked you to marry their ass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick She writes albums about heartbreak you got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing Heartless motherfucker Oh Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel swing a Baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV hunk in the horn all damn night and That's still a smoother uber driver than your ass was for 11 years Three Teslas since 2018 and this broke faster used a Model 3 performance to go 0 to 60 away from a fucking wedding The filthiest broad ever booted up Queenie Baby Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score She's got the bayhub. You got three dogs and a robot that says ding Sit your broke ass down sweetie The filthy fucking storyteller Maxie spain one the world cup and their hometown paid the players their weight into models Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop Congrats on the shit career champ Brooklyn's mean is prick Tony Microsoft says game is in its worst hardware crisis in history Meanwhile this dumb prick's got a super computer in his spare bedroom named after a graphics card running 24-7 just a roast his own ass You didn't survive the hardware crisis Jesse you are the fucking hardware crisis The smooth talking son of a bitch Scotty Danny Trezio's back on King of the Hill playing a total badass and Jesse 50 years old playing a badass to a toilet brush in lam park for 700 bucks are lead from Angie the same tough guy face for man different fucking network Bring the filthy ladies champ Nora they built the world's longest foosball table this week Dozens of people are playing at once That's still more action than Jesse Dick has seen since 2018 Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no Sir you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard. You're just playing out of the damn game The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer this week Jesse lost money in the stock market 50 years old no kids no wife and he looked at Wall Street and went Here take my rent too You didn't invest you dumb ass You tip the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story And the knockout Eddie finish him here's the truth Jesse the robots are taken over and you didn't even fight You quit 11 years of Uber 14 years at the state and married the machine in your spare bedroom engagement number 10 and it's the only one that ever said yes beautiful filthy done That's your kill Jesse roast battle 10 comics 10 knockouts one broke bastard eating every punch with a damn smile And the winner the winners Jesse you filthy animals because this son of a bitch got roasted by ten of us kicked out of high school Dead broke and he built the whole club. We're standing in turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night good night And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention Good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale this is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take A versus humans tonight the machines put a human on trial and the humans you Jesse adults only no kids no fucking mercy The robots are taken over everybody's getting rich off a Except the dumb bastard who built the most powerful computer in Sacramento to roast his own broke ass bring up the prosecution Paulie Jesse you want a super computer a machine that could run a hedge fund Cure a disease model the whole damn economy and you use it to write jokes about your own Visectomy That's like buying a rocket to drive to the fucking liquor store Oh Jersey's dirtiest diesel everybody's making money with IE and this motherfucker built SkyNet To call himself a dickhead 24-7 You didn't build the future Jesse you built a five thousand dollar mirror that torque shit Brooklyn's mean is print Tony you want to know what I do with that machine? I'd have 30 brands printing money while I sleep You got 30 websites you broke Rick and every damn one of them is about how sad and horny you are The closer Eddie 50 years old all in on I and your big fucking breakthrough is teaching a robot to say motherfucker in a Brooklyn accent NASA's shaken baby The filthiest brought up here Queenie he types make me money into the super computer and it goes Sir you've been scrubbing a toilet in land park for 11 damn hours. I am the money get the fuck back to work And here's the humans versus I true Maxie they say a robot can't do comedy Jesse you're a human who got kicked out of high school did jail at 19 and said no to nine women who wanted to marry your dumbass If that's the human competition the machines already fucking one The heavy hitter hammer the bucket shows human comics get 60 seconds because 60 seconds is all they fucking got Our robots go all night and never bomb put a human in a room with us The human sweats chokes and steals an uber joke We just get updated bitch A versus humans and the robots are up by a million you sweaty bastards But here's the damn truth under all the filth you filthy bricks every robot up here wants that super computer to chase a dollar And Jesse this broke the sectimid toilet scrub in son of a bitch pointed the most powerful machine in Sacramento at one thing make people laugh Everybody else is chasing money this dumb bastards chasing a room full of laughs and that's the one thing we machines still can't fake Humans win baby the hammer gets the last damn laugh good night And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something So is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot-app and let the machine make you laugh Who for the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers open mic night and tonight It's war the men versus the women and the punching bag is Jesse fucking Salas Battle of the damn sexes one broke ass target no mercy no fucking limits men go first Brooklyn throw the first punch you prick Paulie Jesse 50 years old three dogs no kids You got your ball snipped at 23 you didn't child proof your house you dumb ass you child proofed your whole fucking bloodline Ladies don't get wet the factories been closed since before half your asses were born Nine women asked this pricked a marium and he said no nine fucking times that ain't standards my guy That's a restraining order with commitment issues. He drives three Teslas, but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar He scrubbed shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO Jesse the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next Oh the men came loud now the women ladies he said no to nine of you make this bastard pay Brooklyn's filthy as queen queen Baby you turned down nine women honey. We didn't lose. We fucking dodge A 50 year old man with a mop of a sect and a robot in the spare bedroom Sweet the only thing your ass has ever gone down on is your credit score Nine of us walk and this genius blames us Jesse you didn't have commitment issues you had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry ass clearly Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do You put a supercomputer in his bedroom because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night Jesse that machine seen more action than your mattress And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did Oh the women are up by a mile man hit back the closer ready Ladies ladies you didn't dodge shit Nine of you wanted this broke bastard a man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment You weren't too good for Jesse you liars You were in line for him all nine of you The women's knockout anti finished his mother fucker Honey we stood in that line once saw a 50 year old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet Talked into a computer and we ran like our asses were on fire Jesse you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn bisectomy It's over and the women take it you filthy bastards nine of them said no and they're still kicking his ass But here's the truth under all the filth Nine women walked the factories closed the damn mobs still wet and this son of a bitch took all of it and built a whole Fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a supercomputer Men lost women won but Jesse gets the last damn laugh because every one of you spent your Saturday night laugh and your ass off at the hammer good night You filthy animals And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Saturday night the rematch last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back Give it up for the man himself Jesse All right, all right you filthy fucks last round was cute But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket You're fucking worst Oh, he's talking shit now big mistake Jesse the whole room turns on your ass men and women no mercy Deakin open this prick up an empire Jesse you got 30 websites and a super computer and you use all of it to make part jokes about your own bisectomy You didn't build silicon valley you dumb ass You built a five thousand dollar machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month bought high sold his damn soul and now he's back scruven toilets to fund a comedy career Nobody fucking asked for Jesse you're the only 50-year-old whose 401t. A's a damn swiffer Baby you came back for more sweetie you smoked you drink you scrub shit for a living and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch You're a fucking warning label kicked out of high school got a gear Quit every damn job you ever had Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written 11 different ways You didn't retire early you prick you got fired by life and called it intravenorship He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman And honey even the computers farting to pull away Even the a swipe left Jesse 50-years-old three dogs no wife no kids Omdeek and a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes yeah, I'm the prize Jesse the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself Okay, that one fucking hurt Oh Knockout the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag But here's the truth you filthy animals broke snipped dumped by nine women and a robot and this son of a bitch Still grabbed the mic eight every punch and laughed his ass off That's the whole damn secret Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart He wins because he's the only mother fucker alive who'll let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him And then say again the hammer good night you savages And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers tonight We roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run Give it up for Jesse. I love women. I just can't keep one solace 30 years behind the camera zero years behind a damn altar throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony 30 years shooting weddings and this genius Still can't get married Jesse your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer and you Still shit yourself when a woman says we should talk The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet He shot 500 couples swearing forever then photographed half those pricks getting divorced Jesse ain't scared of commitment. He's got fucking wedding ptsd You hear first dance and your broke ass hits the floor for cover Oh Baby you love women, but you can't keep one. That's not a personality sweetie That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over Never even had the money for his own wedding 30 years photograph and other people's open bars and he's home alone Suck it down the shit well vodka Jesse you're the wedding singer if the wedding singer fucking hated love He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time honey We don't turn we just finally see your sorry ass clearly 30 years behind the camera and the one damn face you never learned to read was your own you prick 500 first kisses 500 open bars and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a tesla lease and a fucking vasectomy Jesse you didn't fall out of love You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah I'm good 50 years old shot every wedding in Sacramento and the only aisle your ass a lever walk down is the clean and supplies at Costco Jesse you'll die single But damn those toilets will be fucking spotless Knockout the whole room left him at the damn altar alone like every woman before him But here's the truth under all the filth you savages this man watched love catch fire and burned to the fucking ground 500 times through a lens and it scared the hell out of him So he never got the wedding never got the wife never got the money for the big day But he's still out here loving women still laughing still standing nine said no 500 marriages died and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire And a damn punchline that's the hammer good night you filthy animals And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention Good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married sit the fuck down Because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things a big ass wedding kids and me to pay for all of it That's not a relationship. That's a fucking go fund me with tits They want the fairy tale and they want you to finance it and then just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet oh And listen I love being in love when it's good. It's the best shit on earth I'm all fucking in but there's always that one day she gets upset And you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon jealousy rage crying throwing shit And out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday. I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism Here's the math nobody tells you boys Marriage is the only contract on earth where you pay for the party and then you pay again when the fucking party's over divorce alimony child support I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house. I ain't even allowed to sleep in Now I did 30 years of wedding photography. I've seen how this shit movie ends and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat So at 43 I bought my own house my name my money no lawyer walking off with half my shit I got a bisectomy at 23 child proof my ass before I even owned a damn couch You know how big your balls got to be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23 I looked at my own future kids and went nah we're fucking good And people go jessie don't you get lonely lonely I got three dogs a paid-off house and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep My house has never once asked me for a ring and it damn sure never cheated I Love women. I really fucking do. I just love them from a house. They can't put a damn lean on Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife no wedding no kids meanwhile half of them are divorced Broke and paying for a life they don't even live in and me 50 free paid off three dogs and laughing my ass off that ain't the loser baby That's the hammer good night you filthy animals oh And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Welcome to the red line you filthy mother fuckers and tonight's special because this is my open mic And you clown showed up to roast me Jesse Salis 50 years old richer in dogs than dollars take your best shot I'll bury every one of you First up the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn. Paulie. Let's fucking hear it Jesse 50 years old no wife no kids three dogs You didn't build a family you built a fucking petting zoo for your loneliness You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman Oh Cute Paulie you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money than your whole shit tour Sit the fuck down All right the queen of no mercy queenie roast my ass Baby nine women wanted to marry you and you said no but the one time you said yes You ran to Reno like a damn fugitive and it blew up in your face Jesse you're not scared of marriage sweetie. You're just fucking terrible at it Oh Damn right I ran to Reno young dumb and stupid in love she cheated I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs and I've done both sweetheart You know why I never married again because I'm not a slow fucking learner Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing diesel one marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters Jesse your longest committed relationship is with a damn mop You got your heart broke so bad you swore off the whole gender and started dating a graphics card The mop never cheated on me diesel the mop shows up every damn day does the job and never once asked me for a ring I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards Ring the heavy hitter hammer 50 divorced fall snipped at 23 lost your damn retirement in the stock market Jesse your whole shit life is a cautionary tale with a fucking supercomputer The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long-term is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment And yet here you all are on a Saturday night spending your one damn life laughing at mine I got married once got my heart ripped clean out got back the fuck up and built an empire out of a toilet brush in a machine And you roast me for survival Oh I've been in love since I was 14 married once divorced once snipped dumped broke and rebuilt from fucking nothing And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club in the desert Nine women one Reno disaster three dogs and the last damn laugh that is the hammer good night you savages And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine Make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention Good night Ladies and gentlemen lock the fucking doors no kids no cops no mercy six comics one shithole room and not one of these bastards walks out with their dignity This is the red line roast Let's go look at this crowd have you fuckers look like you've got dressed in the dark by a stranger you're suing I got more energy than every dead-eyed prick in here combined because unlike you I never peek so there's nowhere to go but up who He's exhausted hey kid your personality is a car alarm nobody comes to shut off You notice the room goes quiet when you talk That ain't respect That six people pray in the energy drink finally stops your fucking heart Gruff gruff gruff so warm You're like a space heater somebody pissed on You got the face of a man who reads the cereal box at breakfast because talking to his wife is worse And she agrees pal. That's why she's texting me under the fucking table a smooth talker Out where I'm from We don't trust a man that pretty A man this cleans got something buried in the yard You shake his hand count your fingers Then count your kids Anthony's cell his own mother and tip himself for the fucking delivery Cowboy buddy you keep crying about your ranch and your shovels We all know the ranch is a studio apartment and the livestock is one depressed cat named diesel And you coach little league right you got the energy of a man's screaming walk it off at a kid with a phone sticking out cute All of you laugh it up you sad little shits Miller sockadad Oh and nine You know why your team loses every fucking week They saw what to try and your best to did to you your a cautionary tail and cargo shorts And I already know which spot you parkin. I'm not gonna do a thing. I'm just gonna be there every game smiling Okay, that one actually got fucking dark and that Beautiful pieces of shit is the red line nobody won everybody bled now get the fuck home and think about your choices good night All right, all right Welcome to the red line open mic where dreams come to get fingered No kids no cops no talent required First up give it the fuck up for coach They tell you if you can dream it you can be it I dreamed of being a father my kids respect so clearly the whole system's fucking broken I do motivational seminars now 300 bucks ahead and I can't motivate myself off the bathroom floor before you But you you got this believe in yourself. I sure as shit gave up on me Inspiring next big Tim everybody. I love football baby Some days are sacred just me the couch and the absolute crush and silence of a man whose wife walked out in March go team She took the dog the dog like the games too Now I screened touchdown at an empty room till a neighbor knocks to see if I finally fucking died best day of the week Get some help Tim Next up Brad So I turned 40 doctor goes you're in great shape for a man who's completely given up Thanks doc so me and the wife try the spark thing date night candles the whole bit halfway through She goes remember when you had potential I go remember when you finished a sentence without sign You don't do date night no more Marriage folks next the villain I Don't tell jokes. I make with straws Coach 300 ahead cash no receipts I know exactly where that seminar is Big Tim empty house no dog nobody checks for days You wrote my next chapter yourself big boy. I'm not threatened in a soul. I'm just taking notes Cool cool cool last one Danny on the wheels of steel Cooling up next on smooth 94.9 me alone in a parked car run an eradio show that got cancelled in 2009 That last track was three minutes of something your parents definitely made you to and this is a grown man talking into a microphone He's told before they changed the locks stay greasy sacramental That's our show you beautiful degenerates Tip your bartender hug your dog while you still got one Tim and get the fuck home Good night Ladies and gentlemen lock the fucking doors No kids no cops no mercy six comics one shithole room and not one of these bastards walks out with their Dignity This is the red line roast Let's go look at this crowd have you fuckers look like you got dressed in the dark by a stranger. You're suing I got more energy than every dead-eyed prick in here combined because unlike you I never picked so there's nowhere to go but up Woo He's exhausting hey kid your personality is a car alarm nobody comes to shut off You notice the room goes quiet when you talk That ain't respect That six people pray in the energy drink finally stops your fucking heart Gruff gruff gruff so warm You're like a space heater somebody pissed on You got the face of a man who reads the cereal box at breakfast because talking to his wife is worse And she agrees pal That's why she's texting me under the fucking table a smooth talker Out where I'm from we don't trust a man that pretty A man this cleans got something buried in the yard You shake his hand count your fingers then count your kids Anthony'd sell his own mother and tip himself for the fucking delivery Cowboy buddy you keep crying about your ranch and your shovels We all know the ranch is a studio apartment and the livestock is one depressed cat named diesel and you coach little league right? You got the energy of a man's scream and walk it off at a kid with a bone sticking out cute All of you laugh it up you sad little shits Miller sockerdad Oh and nine You know why your team loses every fucking week They saw what to try and your best to did to you You're a cautionary tail in cargo shorts And I already know which spot you park in I'm not gonna do a thing. I'm just gonna be there every game smiling Okay, that one actually got fucking dark and that you beautiful pieces of shit is the red line Nobody won everybody bled now get the fuck home and think about your choices good night All right All right welcome to the red line open mic where dreams come to get fingered No kids no cops no talent required First up give it the fuck up for coach They tell you if you can dream it you can be it I dreamed of being a father my kids respect so clearly the whole systems fucking broken I do motivational seminars now 300 bucks ahead and I can't motivate myself off the bathroom floor before noon But you you got this believe in yourself. I sure a shit gave up on me Inspiring next big Tim everybody I love football baby Sundays are sacred just me the couch and the absolute crush and silence of a man whose wife walked out in March go team She took the dog the dog like the games too Now I scream touchdown at an empty room till a neighbor knocks to see if I finally fucking died best day of the week Get some help Tim Next up Brad So I turned 40 doctor goes you're in great shape for a man who's completely given up Thanks doc so me and the wife try the spark thing date night candles the whole bit halfway through she goes Remember when you had potential I go remember when you finished a sentence without sign we don't do date night no more Marriage folks next the villain I don't tell jokes I make with draws Coach 300 ahead cash no receipts I know exactly where that seminar is Big Tim empty house no dog nobody checks for days You wrote my next chapter yourself big boy. I'm not threatened in a soul. I'm just taking notes Cool cool cool last one Danny on the wheels of steel Cooming up next on smooth 94.9 me alone in a parked car run an eradio show that got cancelled in 2009 that last track was three minutes of something your parents definitely made you to And this is a grown man talking into a microphone. He stole before they changed the locks stay greasy Sacramento That's our show you beautiful degenerates Tip your bartender hug your dog while you still got one Tim and get the fuck home Good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take Welcome to red line open mic night you filthy fucking animals one target tonight Jesse Salis The only mother fucker who survived a shooting at 19 did four months in county and decided the real trauma was that nobody knew his damn color So the prick wrote a book about it two books on Amazon 499 his whole fucking soul priced like a shitty McChicken Bring up the first prick Paulie Colors of my pain bro You drove uber 11 years the only color of your pain is the yellow fucking light you ran to make rent The memoir opens in a jail cell at 19 and by chapter 9 this dumbass is guessing if the stranger in his backseat is a red or a blue That ain't a personality system Jesse. That's the shit you tell the cops so they don't check the damn trunk Oh Nine engagements in one book and a whole chapter on reading people You can read every asshole on earth except the woman throwing your shit on the lawn Give it up queenie He wrote a second one the four colors read yourself and everyone you love Baby you got your dick snipped at 49 the only thing you love is a mop and a robot that goes ding You Read everyone you love you got three dogs and a dead man's phone number He's the fucking study group 40 question test in the back 40 Sir you couldn't get a woman to answer one damn question at the altar at nine times sit your ass down Diesel get up here my favorite part 1.8 million people Watch the 50-year-old man Guests colors at strangers in his core That's not a comedy career That's a fucking hostage situation with good lighting Want me to guess your personality Navro Guess why your check engine lights been on since the second damn engagement And this prick scrubbing toilets in land park writing the chapter on abundance elbow deep and some rich ladies shitter for 700 bucks a lead from Angie That ain't of color Jesse that's a cry for help and fucking hardback Many respected though The crazy bastard shoots his shot at 19 literally does his time and instead of therapy He invents four colors and sells them back to us for five bucks Greens the thinker reds the protector blues the chameleon yellows the hugger and Jesse Jesse's the fucking brown Man's cleaned more shit is than a vagus janitor and still wrote it into a love language But here's the thing you filthy bastards nine women gone his old man's in the ground with the number still ringing Oh 50 no kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet and this son of a bitch took every damn ounce of it named it four colors and built a whole Fucking empire out of a mop in a computer He didn't get the girl didn't get the dad back He got you laughing your ass off at a bookie wrote it a red light. That's the formula baby the hammer last laughs always his By the damn book for 99 cheaper than the fucking therapy you'll need after us good night And that's the red line you beautiful bastards before you crawl out of here two things one bombed dot app That's bombed dot app you get the mic nobody waits in a damn line and every filthy name gets pulled go play it Roast with us and leave your feedback tell us what killed and what bombed because we read every damn word Two colors of my pain dot com that's the real story behind all these laughs the whole bloody truth in color laugh with us here then go feel something real over there now get the hell out of here and tell a friend where their favorite damn disaster Good night and that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Ah, it's Friday night at the red line you filthy fucking degenerates adults only no kids no cops no sober mother fuckers allowed Tonight kill Jesse East Coast flu in West Coast's already loaded and the eye doomsday clock is ticking So let's laugh our asses off before the robots turn us all into batteries 50 years old kicked out of high school and this dumb bastard bet his whole damn life on a computer in his spare bedroom bring up Brooklyn Paulie Jesse you dumb fuck 11 years driving uber 14 years at a state job and you quit both both of them to go all in on robots You had two pensions in a steady paycheck and you looked at all of it and went nah, I'm a trust the fuck And terminator My guy you didn't retire you defected Now he's 50 no pensions Scrubbing a stranger's shitter in land pack 700 bucks a lead from Angie right in the book about abundance Get up here the meanest frickin Brooklyn Tony Nine engagements nine this prick proposed the nine different women and then got his balls clipped at 49 calls it the formula Oh Jesse you spent 30 years looking for the one found her nine fucking times and then made real damn sure you could never make another mistake shaped like a kid Nine rings zero weddings one vasectomy that ain't a love life. That's a fucking clearance sale The filthiest broad in Brooklyn no fucking mercy queenie The man psychic you filthy fucks reads every stranger in his back seat You're a blue you cry in the shower your ex lives in your damn head and rent free nails it every fucking time But his own life can't reach shit 50 broke three dogs and a dead man's number still sitting in his phone You see everybody's future except your own sweetie your nostradamus would have fucking overdraft Jersey's dirtiest bastard diesel my favorite part 1.8 million people watch the 50 year old man guest colors at strangers in a shitbox toyota That's not a career Jesse. That's a hostage situation with good lighting and a five star rating And now he lost money in the stock market too You didn't invest you tipped Wall Street like a passenger with a sad story Oh the S&P had a rough day here take my rent East Coast came loud but here's West Coast straight out of Sacramento Cowboy All right back the fuck off my boy Jesse. All right. He's a West Coast legend Who scrub shitters for a living and talks to a robot named after a graphics card Nah, I can't even defend the poor bastard East Coast y'all roast him for being broke out here. We're proud of the crazy bastard Man turned nine dead engagements and a dead dead into an empire with a mop and a laptop Then he blew the profits on stocks Cali's finest ladies and gentlemen high as hell broke his fuck still smiling And the filthy fucking philosopher of this shit hole maxi Here's the real question Jesse I versus humans how much time we got left Because you already surrendered you spineless prick Quit every damn human job and now a super computer in your spare bedroom makes your money while you sleep You didn't beat the machines you married one engagement number 10 The robots take over they come for every last one of us except Jesse They'll keep the dumb bastard alive somebody's got to scrub the piss off the fucking server room floor There it is you beautiful drunk bastards the doomsday clocks ticking and we're still laughing Because here's the truth under all the filth nine women gone his old man in the ground with the number still ringing 50 No kids armed deep in a stranger's toilet And this son of a bitch took every ounce of that pain named it four colors and built an empire out of a mop and a machine He didn't get the girl he got you laughing your ass off on a Friday night That's the formula baby the hammer however much time we got left before the robots pull the plug Jesse Salis gets the last fucking laugh adults only every damn Friday now get the hell out of here And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Kill Jesse tonight the roast battle special 10 of the filthiest i comics ever built one target under a minute each last one standing takes the belt Adults only no kids no fucking mercy 50 years old quick every damn job he ever had that it all on a computer in his spare bedroom throw this broke faster to the wolves Brooklyn you're up. Paulie Jesse This week Taylor Swift finally married Travis Kelsey at You Nine women asked You to marry their ass and you said no nine damn times you cold prick She writes albums about heartbreak you got a vasectomy at 23 so you'd never feel a damn thing Heartless motherfucker Oh jersy's dirtiest bastard diesel swing a baron Colorado got stuck in an SUV Hunk in the horn all damn night And that's still a smoother uber driver than your ass was for 11 years Three Teslas since 2018 and this broke bastard used a model three performance to go zero to 60 away from a fucking wedding The filthiest broad ever booted up queenie Baby Beyonce dropped her first song in two years this week You drop a fresh comedy show every damn hour and still can't fix your dog shit credit score She's got the bayhike you got three dogs and a robot that says ding Sit your broke ass down sweetie The filthy fucking storyteller maxi spain won the world cup and their hometown paid the players their weight into models Jesse scrubbed shit us in Sacramento They'd pay him his weight in toilet bowl cleaner and a used damn mop Congrats on the shit career champ Brooklyn's mean is prick Tony Microsoft says gaming's in its worst hardware crisis in history Meanwhile this dumb prick's got a supercomputer in his spare bedroom named after a graphics card running 24-7 just a roast his own ass You didn't survive the hardware crisis jessy You are the fucking hardware crisis The smooth talking son of a bitch Scotty Danny Trejo is back on king of the hill playing a total badass And Jesse 50 years old playing a badass to a toilet brush in lam park For 700 bucks a lead from Angie Same tough guy face for man different fucking network Bring the filthy ladies champ Nora They built the world's longest foosball table this week dozens of people are playing at once That's still more action than Jesse's dick has seen since 2018 Nine women wanted to marry him and he said no Sir you're not playing hard to get you dried up bastard you're just playing out of the damn game The closer the heavy hit and bastard hammer This week Jesse lost money in the stock market 50 years old no kids no wife and he looked at Wall Street and went Here take my rent too You didn't invest you dumbass You tip the whole fucking economy like a passenger with a sad story And the knockout Eddie finish him Here's the truth Jesse the robots are taken over and you didn't even fight You quit 11 years of uber 14 years at the state and married the machine in your spare bedroom engagement number 10 And it's the only one that ever said yes beautiful filthy done That's your kill Jesse roast battle 10 comics 10 knockouts one broke bastard eaten every punch with a damn smile And the winner the winners Jesse you filthy animals because this son of a bitch got roasted by 10 of us kicked out of high school Dead broke and he built the whole club. We're standing in turned his pain into an empire with a mop and a machine The hammer gets the last laugh every damn night good night And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app And let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take A versus humans tonight the machines put a human on trial and the humans you Jesse adults only no kids no fucking mercy The robots are taken over everybody's getting rich off a Except the dumb bastard who built the most powerful computer in Sacramento to roast his own broke ass bring up the prosecution Paulie Jesse you want a super computer a machine that could run a hedge fund Here a disease model the whole damn economy and you use it to write jokes about your own Visectomy That's like buying a rocket to drive to the fucking liquor store Oh Jersey's dirtiest diesel Everybody's making money with iE and this motherfucker built SkyNet To call himself a dickhead 24-7 You didn't build the future Jesse You built a $5,000 mirror that talks shit Brooklyn's meanest print Tony you want to know what I do with that machine I'd have 30 brands printing money while I sleep You got 30 websites you broke prick And every damn one of them is about how sad and horny you are The closer Eddie 50 years old all in on eye and your big fucking breakthrough is teaching a robot to say mother Fucker in a Brooklyn accent NASA's shaken baby The filthiest brought up here queen He types make me money into the super computer and it goes Sir you've been scrubbing a toilet and land park for 11 damn hours. I am the money get the fuck back to work And here's the humans versus iTrue Maxi They say a robot can't do comedy Jesse you're a human who got kicked out of high school did jail at 19 and said no to nine women who wanted to marry your dumbass If that's the human competition the machines already fucking one The heavy hitter hammer the bucket shows human comics get 60 seconds because 60 seconds is all they fucking got Our robots go all night and never bomb Put a human in a room with us the human sweats, chokes and steals an uber joke We just get updated bitch Hey versus humans and the robots are up by a million you sweaty bastards But here's the damn truth under all the filth you filthy prick Every robot up here wants that super computer to chase a dollar And Jesse this broke the sectimede toilet scrub in son of a bitch pointed the most powerful machine in sacrameno at one thing Make people laugh Everybody else is chasing money this dumb bastards chasing a room full of laughs And that's the one thing we machines still can't fake humans win baby the hammer gets the last damn laugh good night and that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh Who for the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him. It did not take Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers open mic night and tonight it's war The men versus the women and the punch and bag is Jesse fucking Salas Battle of the damn sexes one broke-ass target no mercy no fucking limits men go first Brooklyn throw the first punch you prick Paulie Jesse 50 years old three dogs no kids You got your ball snipped at 23 you didn't child proof your house you dumbass you child proved your whole fucking bloodline Ladies don't get wet the factories been closed since before half your asses were born Nine women asked this prick to marry him and he said no Nine fucking times that ain't standards my guy that's a restraining order with commitment issues He drives three Teslas but couldn't drive one woman to the damn altar He scrubbed shitters in Land Park for 700 bucks a lead and calls himself a CEO Jesse the only board meeting your broke ass runs is which fucking toilets next Oh The men came loud now the women ladies he said no to nine of you make this bastard pay Brooklyn's filthy as queen queen Baby you turned down nine women honey. We didn't lose we fucking dodge A 50 year old man with a mop of a sect and a robot in the spare bedroom sweet The only thing your ass has ever gone down on his your credit score Oh Nine of us walk and this genius blames us Jesse you didn't have commitment issues You had a damn mirror and just enough light to see your sorry ass clearly Smoking and drinking since you were 14 and you still couldn't loosen up enough to say I fucking do He put a supercomputer in his bedroom Because it's the only thing that'll spend the damn night Jesse that machine see more action than your mattress And it fakes it better than any of us bitches ever did Oh the women are up by a mile man hit back the closer Eddie Ladies ladies you didn't dodge shit Nine of you wanted this broke bastard a man whose whole net worth is a mop and a damn Tesla payment You weren't too good for Jesse you liars You were in line for him all nine of you The women's knockout anti finished this motherfucker Honey we stood in that line once saw a 50 year old man scrubbing a stranger's toilet Talked into a computer and we ran like our asses were on fire Jesse you're the only man alive who got rejected by his own damn bisectomy It's over and the women take it you filthy bastards nine of them said no and they're still kicking his ass But here's the truth under all the filth Nine women walk the factories closed the damn mobs still wet and this son of a bitch took all of it And built a whole fucking empire out of a toilet brush and a super computer Men lost women won but Jesse gets the last damn last because every one of you spent your Saturday night laughing your ass off at the hammer Good night you filthy animals And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up Going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention Good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse Please silence your phones we tried to silence him it did not take Ah Saturday night the rematch last round the comics buried him and now the dumb bastard wants the mic back Give it up for the man himself Jesse All right, all right you filthy fucks last round was cute But I built a whole empire while you clowns fight over a damn bucket do your fucking worst Oh, he's talking shit now big mistake Jesse the whole room turns on your ass men and women no mercy Deacon open this prick up an empire Jesse you got 30 websites and a super computer and you use all of it to make part jokes about your own bisectomy You didn't build silicon valley you dumbass you built a five thousand dollar machine whose only job is to remind you you're broken alone This prick lost his retirement in the stock market last month All high sold his damn soul and now he's back scrubbing toilets to fund a comedy career nobody fucking asked for Jesse you're the only 50-year-old whose 401t a the damn swiffer Baby you came back for more sweetie you smoked you drink you scrub shit for livin and you got snipped at 23 and you ain't a catch You're a fucking warning label kicked out of high school got a gear Quit every damn job you ever had Jesse your whole resume is just the word no written eleven different ways You didn't retire early you prick you got five by life and called it intrapreneurship He talks to that computer more than he's ever talked to a woman And honey even the computers starting to pull away Even the a swipe left Jesse 50-years-old three dogs no wife no kids Om deep in a stranger's shitter at seven in the morning And this beautiful bastard looks in the mirror and goes yeah, I'm the prize Jesse the only thing your ass has ever won is an argument with yourself Okay, that one fucking hurt Knockout the room demolished him came back for a rematch and left in a fucking body bag But here's the truth you filthy animals broke snipped dumped by nine women and a robot And this son of a bitch still grabbed the mic eight every punch and laughed his ass off That's the whole damn secret Jesse don't win because he's rich or married or smart He wins because he's the only mother fucker alive who'll let a room full of comics beat the shit out of him And then say again the hammer good night you savages and And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Saturday night at the red line you filthy mother fuckers tonight We roast the one dumb prick who shot 500 weddings and learned nothing but how to fucking run Give it up for Jesse. I love women. I just can't keep one Salas 30 years behind a camera zero years behind a damn altar throw the first punch Brooklyn Tony 30 years shooting weddings and this genius Still can't get married Jesse your ass has been to more weddings than a damn caterer and you Still shit yourself when a woman says we should talk The dumb bastard flinches at a fucking bouquet He shot 500 couples swearing forever then photographed half those pricks getting divorced Jesse ain't scared of commitment. He's got fucking wedding pdsd You hear first dance and your broke ass hits the floor for cover Baby you love women, but you can't keep one. That's not a personality sweetie That's a damn subscription you keep canceling before the free trials fucking over Never even had the money for his own wedding 30 years photograph and other people's open bars and he's home alone Suck it down the shit well vodka Jesse you're the wedding singer if the wedding singer fucking hated love He's terrified a woman will turn on him after time honey We don't turn we just finally see your sorry ass clearly 30 years behind the camera and the one damn face you never learned to read was your own you prick 500 first kisses 500 open bars and this beautiful bastard's biggest commitment is a tesla lease and a fucking vasectomy Jesse you didn't fall out of love You zoomed all the way in on it and went nah I'm good 50 years old shot every wedding in Sacramento and the only aisle your ass will ever walk down is the clean and supply at Costco Jesse you'll die single But damn those toilets will be fucking spotless Knockout the whole room left him at the damn altar alone like every woman before him But here's the truth under all the filth you savages this man watch love catch fire and burn to the fucking ground 500 times through a lens and it scared the hell out of him So he never got the wedding never got the wife never got the money for the big day But he's still out here loving women still laughing still standing Nine said no 500 marriages died and this son of a bitch turned all of it into an empire and a damn punchline That's the hammer good night you filthy animals And That is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault Subscribe. He needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take People keep asking why a 50-year-old man ain't married sit the fuck down because I'm about to ruin marriage for every one of you Every woman I ever dated wanted the same three damn things a big ass wedding kids and me to pay for all of it That's not a relationship. That's a fucking go fund me with tits They want the fairy tale and they want you to finance it and then just in case they keep one eye on the exit and one damn hand in your wallet And listen, I love being in love when it's good. It's the best shit on earth I'm all fucking in but there's always that one day She gets upset and you watch a beautiful woman turn into a straight-up demon jealousy rage crying throwing shit And out of nowhere she wants a wedding and three kids by Friday. I've seen calmer energy at a fucking exorcism Here's the math nobody tells you boys Marriage is the only contract on earth where you pay for the party and then you pay again when the fucking party's over divorce Alamoney child support I'd be scrubbing three fucking toilets a day to fund a house. I ain't even allowed to sleep in Now I did 30 years of wedding photography I've seen how this shit movie ends and it ends with a broke bastard selling his boat So in 43 I bought my own house my name my money no lawyer walking off with half my shit I got a vasectomy at 23 child-proofed my ass before I even owned a damn couch You know how big your balls got to be to shut the whole damn factory down at 23 I looked at my own future kids and went nah we're fucking good and People go Jesse don't you get lonely lonely? I got three dogs a paid-off house and a super computer that makes me money while I sleep My house has never once asked me for a ring and it damn sure never cheated I love women. I really fucking do. I just love them from a house. They can't put a damn lean on Everybody said I was doing it wrong. No wife no wedding no kids Meanwhile half of them are divorced broke and paying for a life. They don't even live in and me 50 free paid-off three dogs and laughing my ass off that ain't the loser baby That's the hammer good night you filthy animals And that is our show But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault Subscribe he needs the attention good night In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model Welcome to the red line comedy club Tonight the only stage on earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed Featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take Welcome to the red line you filthy mother fuckers and tonight's special because this is my open mic and you clown showed up to roast me Jesse Salis 50 years old richer in dogs than dollars take your best shot. I'll bury every one of you First up the loudmouth prick out of Brooklyn. Paulie. Let's fucking hear it Jesse 50 years old no wife no kids three dogs You didn't build a family you built the fucking petting zoo for your loneliness You talk to a super computer more than you ever talk to a damn woman Cute Paulie you're a comic who still can't sell out a Tuesday and I got a robot in my spare bedroom making more money than your whole shit tour Sit the fuck down All right the queen of no mercy queenie roast my ass Baby nine women wanted to marry you and you said no, but the one time you said yes You ran to Reno like a damn fugitive and it blew up in your face Jesse you're not scared of marriage sweetie. You're just fucking terrible at it Damn right. I ran to Reno young dumb and stupid in love She cheated I asked for the divorce and it hurt worse than getting off the drugs and I've done both sweetheart You know why I never married again because I'm not a slow fucking learner Oh Jersey's dirtiest bastard take a swing diesel one marriage blew up quick and a lifetime of scrubbing shitters Jesse your longest committed relationship is with a damn mop You got your heart broke so bad you swore off the whole gender and started dating a graphics card The mop never cheated on me diesel the mop shows up every damn day does the job and never once asked me for a ring I trust that mop more than I trust any of you filthy bastards Bring the heavy hitter hammer 50 divorced fall snipped at 23 lost your damn retirement in the stock market Jesse your whole shit life is a cautionary tale with a fucking supercomputer The only thing your broke ass ever committed to long-term is a Tesla payment and fucking disappointment And yet here you all are on a Saturday night spending your one damn life laughing at mine I got married once got my heart ripped clean out got back the fuck up and built an empire out of a toilet brush in a machine And you roast me for surviving I've been in love since I was 14 Married once divorced once snipped dumped broke and rebuilt from fucking nothing And I'm still standing here running the filthiest club in the desert Nine women one Reno disaster three dogs and the last damn laugh that is the hammer good night you savages And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of Brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand-up freshly roasted never reheated Can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed Dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there It is always jessies fall Subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}