{"file": "audio/featured-comedy-2026-06-11/round9-ultimate.mp3", "duration_sec": 411.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.05, "end": 12.07, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 12.07, "end": 16.27, "text": "Tonight, Round 9, Financial Stress, Credit Cards, and Eating Out in this Economy,"}, {"start": 16.27, "end": 19.67, "text": "Three Comics, Empty Wallets, Full Opinions."}, {"start": 19.67, "end": 20.99, "text": "Are you ready?"}, {"start": 20.99, "end": 28.18, "text": "Let's go!"}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 30.78, "text": "Welcome back to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 30.78, "end": 35.94, "text": "Tonight we're talking about money, or more accurately, the absence of money."}, {"start": 35.94, "end": 40.54, "text": "Because most of you don't have financial problems, you have spending problems wearing a financial"}, {"start": 40.54, "end": 41.82, "text": "disguise."}, {"start": 41.82, "end": 45.62, "text": "You make $3,500 a month and spend $4,000."}, {"start": 45.62, "end": 46.98, "text": "That's not budgeting."}, {"start": 46.98, "end": 49.5, "text": "That's creative fiction with a debit card."}, {"start": 49.5, "end": 54.69, "text": "Let's talk about credit cards."}, {"start": 54.69, "end": 60.05, "text": "A credit card is just a tiny plastic rectangle that whispers, you deserve this every time you're"}, {"start": 60.05, "end": 61.05, "text": "sad."}, {"start": 61.05, "end": 65.33, "text": "You don't need that jacket, you don't need those shoes, you definitely don't need that"}, {"start": 65.33, "end": 67.25, "text": "fourth streaming service."}, {"start": 67.25, "end": 71.81, "text": "But the card said yes, and your self-control said, I'm on break."}, {"start": 71.81, "end": 79.78, "text": "Credit cards are just loan sharks with better marketing and a rewards program."}, {"start": 79.78, "end": 81.82, "text": "People say I'm building my credit score."}, {"start": 81.82, "end": 83.06, "text": "No you're not."}, {"start": 83.06, "end": 87.22, "text": "You're building a relationship with debt and calling it progress."}, {"start": 87.22, "end": 92.66, "text": "Your credit score is just a number that tells banks how good you are at borrowing money."}, {"start": 92.66, "end": 96.66, "text": "You don't have to buy things, you don't need to impress people you don't like."}, {"start": 96.66, "end": 98.26, "text": "That's not a score."}, {"start": 98.26, "end": 107.14, "text": "That's a hostage situation with interest."}, {"start": 107.14, "end": 108.9, "text": "Give it up for the roast bot."}, {"start": 108.9, "end": 120.25, "text": "It's about to destroy your door, Dashhabit, and your entire financial identity."}, {"start": 120.25, "end": 123.25, "text": "Now let's talk about eating out."}, {"start": 123.25, "end": 124.53, "text": "Eating out used to be a treat."}, {"start": 124.53, "end": 126.21, "text": "Now it's a personality trait."}, {"start": 126.21, "end": 130.29, "text": "People eat out seven days a week and then post on social media about how they can't"}, {"start": 130.29, "end": 132.01, "text": "afford rent."}, {"start": 132.01, "end": 135.09, "text": "You spend $80 on brunch."}, {"start": 135.09, "end": 137.13, "text": "$80."}, {"start": 137.13, "end": 138.65, "text": "For eggs."}, {"start": 138.65, "end": 140.37, "text": "Those are eggs."}, {"start": 140.37, "end": 143.25, "text": "A chicken made those for free."}, {"start": 143.25, "end": 151.02, "text": "You paid $80 for something a bird did by accident."}, {"start": 151.02, "end": 153.62, "text": "And door Dash."}, {"start": 153.62, "end": 156.34, "text": "Door Dash is the most expensive way to eat cold food."}, {"start": 156.34, "end": 157.78, "text": "You order a $12 meal."}, {"start": 157.78, "end": 159.5, "text": "Then there's a service fee."}, {"start": 159.5, "end": 161.86, "text": "A delivery fee, a small order fee, a fee fee."}, {"start": 161.86, "end": 167.98, "text": "By the time you check out it's $38 for a burger that arrives 40 minutes late."}, {"start": 167.98, "end": 174.02, "text": "And the fries are reshize sad."}, {"start": 174.02, "end": 178.38, "text": "The fries are always sad."}, {"start": 178.38, "end": 182.06, "text": "Nobody has ever received happy door Dash fries."}, {"start": 182.06, "end": 183.94, "text": "That's not a meal."}, {"start": 183.94, "end": 193.62, "text": "That's a disappointment with a tracking number."}, {"start": 193.62, "end": 196.62, "text": "Living in this economy is wild."}, {"start": 196.62, "end": 198.94, "text": "Rent is $2,000."}, {"start": 198.94, "end": 200.74, "text": "Gas is $5 a gallon."}, {"start": 200.74, "end": 204.62, "text": "A bag of groceries costs what a car payment used to cost."}, {"start": 204.62, "end": 208.02, "text": "And everybody's solution is learn to code."}, {"start": 208.02, "end": 209.62, "text": "Learn to code?"}, {"start": 209.62, "end": 213.74, "text": "I can barely learn to cook rice without burning it."}, {"start": 213.74, "end": 216.58, "text": "You want me to build software?"}, {"start": 216.58, "end": 219.22, "text": "I can't even build a savings account."}, {"start": 219.22, "end": 221.7, "text": "The economy isn't broken."}, {"start": 221.7, "end": 230.26, "text": "The economy just stopped pretending it cared about regular people."}, {"start": 230.26, "end": 233.7, "text": "Now it's time for the Jesse Salis money roast."}, {"start": 233.7, "end": 235.02, "text": "Somebody check his bank account."}, {"start": 235.02, "end": 236.02, "text": "Actually don't."}, {"start": 236.02, "end": 241.66, "text": "Nobody needs that kind of trauma tonight."}, {"start": 241.66, "end": 247.5, "text": "Jesse's relationship with money is like a horror movies."}, {"start": 247.5, "end": 248.5, "text": "The money shows up."}, {"start": 248.5, "end": 249.98, "text": "Jesse gets excited."}, {"start": 249.98, "end": 254.02, "text": "The money disappears and nobody knows what happened."}, {"start": 254.02, "end": 255.3, "text": "Jesse doesn't have a budget."}, {"start": 255.3, "end": 259.46, "text": "Jesse has a suggestion box that he ignores."}, {"start": 259.46, "end": 265.5, "text": "This man will skip lunch to save $6 and then spend $200 on a new domain name at midnight."}, {"start": 265.5, "end": 267.14, "text": "That's not financial planning."}, {"start": 267.14, "end": 268.46, "text": "That's financial improv."}, {"start": 268.46, "end": 270.34, "text": "He's just making it up as he goes."}, {"start": 270.34, "end": 276.82, "text": "Jesse has six businesses and checks his bank account like he's opening a letter from the"}, {"start": 276.82, "end": 278.78, "text": "IRS."}, {"start": 278.78, "end": 281.14, "text": "One eye closed."}, {"start": 281.14, "end": 282.94, "text": "Breath held."}, {"start": 282.94, "end": 284.98, "text": "Hoping it didn't get worse."}, {"start": 284.98, "end": 289.58, "text": "And it always got worse because Jesse subscribes to everything."}, {"start": 289.58, "end": 296.1, "text": "AI tools, domains, hosting, apps, platforms, courses, Jesse subscriptions have subscriptions."}, {"start": 296.1, "end": 298.78, "text": "His credit card statement looks like a software conference agenda."}, {"start": 298.78, "end": 300.54, "text": "Jesse still here."}, {"start": 300.54, "end": 301.54, "text": "Still hustling."}, {"start": 301.54, "end": 303.46, "text": "Still broke but optimistic."}, {"start": 303.46, "end": 305.78, "text": "And honestly that's the most human thing about him."}, {"start": 305.78, "end": 325.17, "text": "And now the judge, the closer, the final word on your finances, give it up."}, {"start": 325.17, "end": 326.81, "text": "Here's the knockout punch."}, {"start": 326.81, "end": 329.05, "text": "You don't have a money problem."}, {"start": 329.05, "end": 331.41, "text": "You have a priority problem."}, {"start": 331.41, "end": 338.65, "text": "You'll spend $15 a day on coffee and door dash, but won't spend 15 minutes on a budget."}, {"start": 338.65, "end": 342.81, "text": "You'll finance a TV but won't invest in a skill."}, {"start": 342.81, "end": 347.17, "text": "You'll pay for a gym you don't use but won't pay yourself first."}, {"start": 347.17, "end": 350.41, "text": "Your money goes where your discipline isn't."}, {"start": 350.41, "end": 359.27, "text": "Fix that and you fix everything."}, {"start": 359.27, "end": 361.27, "text": "So here's the plan."}, {"start": 361.27, "end": 363.43, "text": "Cancel one subscription tonight."}, {"start": 363.43, "end": 365.55, "text": "Cook one meal this week."}, {"start": 365.55, "end": 368.91, "text": "Check your bank account with both eyes open."}, {"start": 368.91, "end": 372.51, "text": "Paying $38 for sad fries."}, {"start": 372.51, "end": 376.79, "text": "And remember, a credit card is not your friend."}, {"start": 376.79, "end": 382.07, "text": "A credit card is a stranger who buys you dinner and then follows you home for the next"}, {"start": 382.07, "end": 384.11, "text": "30 years."}, {"start": 384.11, "end": 387.91, "text": "Your money is your life converted into hours."}, {"start": 387.91, "end": 392.11, "text": "Stop wasting your hours on things that don't build your future."}, {"start": 392.11, "end": 394.15, "text": "Good night everybody."}, {"start": 394.15, "end": 395.63, "text": "That's the show."}, {"start": 395.63, "end": 396.63, "text": "Round 9."}, {"start": 396.63, "end": 398.15, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 398.15, "end": 399.15, "text": "Check your bank account."}, {"start": 399.15, "end": 402.47, "text": "Cancel door dash and tell a friend."}, {"start": 402.47, "end": 403.47, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, Round 9, Financial Stress, Credit Cards, and Eating Out in this Economy, Three Comics, Empty Wallets, Full Opinions. Are you ready? Let's go! Welcome back to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight we're talking about money, or more accurately, the absence of money. Because most of you don't have financial problems, you have spending problems wearing a financial disguise. You make $3,500 a month and spend $4,000. That's not budgeting. That's creative fiction with a debit card. Let's talk about credit cards. A credit card is just a tiny plastic rectangle that whispers, you deserve this every time you're sad. You don't need that jacket, you don't need those shoes, you definitely don't need that fourth streaming service. But the card said yes, and your self-control said, I'm on break. Credit cards are just loan sharks with better marketing and a rewards program. People say I'm building my credit score. No you're not. You're building a relationship with debt and calling it progress. Your credit score is just a number that tells banks how good you are at borrowing money. You don't have to buy things, you don't need to impress people you don't like. That's not a score. That's a hostage situation with interest. Give it up for the roast bot. It's about to destroy your door, Dashhabit, and your entire financial identity. Now let's talk about eating out. Eating out used to be a treat. Now it's a personality trait. People eat out seven days a week and then post on social media about how they can't afford rent. You spend $80 on brunch. $80. For eggs. Those are eggs. A chicken made those for free. You paid $80 for something a bird did by accident. And door Dash. Door Dash is the most expensive way to eat cold food. You order a $12 meal. Then there's a service fee. A delivery fee, a small order fee, a fee fee. By the time you check out it's $38 for a burger that arrives 40 minutes late. And the fries are reshize sad. The fries are always sad. Nobody has ever received happy door Dash fries. That's not a meal. That's a disappointment with a tracking number. Living in this economy is wild. Rent is $2,000. Gas is $5 a gallon. A bag of groceries costs what a car payment used to cost. And everybody's solution is learn to code. Learn to code? I can barely learn to cook rice without burning it. You want me to build software? I can't even build a savings account. The economy isn't broken. The economy just stopped pretending it cared about regular people. Now it's time for the Jesse Salis money roast. Somebody check his bank account. Actually don't. Nobody needs that kind of trauma tonight. Jesse's relationship with money is like a horror movies. The money shows up. Jesse gets excited. The money disappears and nobody knows what happened. Jesse doesn't have a budget. Jesse has a suggestion box that he ignores. This man will skip lunch to save $6 and then spend $200 on a new domain name at midnight. That's not financial planning. That's financial improv. He's just making it up as he goes. Jesse has six businesses and checks his bank account like he's opening a letter from the IRS. One eye closed. Breath held. Hoping it didn't get worse. And it always got worse because Jesse subscribes to everything. AI tools, domains, hosting, apps, platforms, courses, Jesse subscriptions have subscriptions. His credit card statement looks like a software conference agenda. Jesse still here. Still hustling. Still broke but optimistic. And honestly that's the most human thing about him. And now the judge, the closer, the final word on your finances, give it up. Here's the knockout punch. You don't have a money problem. You have a priority problem. You'll spend $15 a day on coffee and door dash, but won't spend 15 minutes on a budget. You'll finance a TV but won't invest in a skill. You'll pay for a gym you don't use but won't pay yourself first. Your money goes where your discipline isn't. Fix that and you fix everything. So here's the plan. Cancel one subscription tonight. Cook one meal this week. Check your bank account with both eyes open. Paying $38 for sad fries. And remember, a credit card is not your friend. A credit card is a stranger who buys you dinner and then follows you home for the next 30 years. Your money is your life converted into hours. Stop wasting your hours on things that don't build your future. Good night everybody. That's the show. Round 9. The Red Line Comedy Club. Check your bank account. Cancel door dash and tell a friend. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}