{"file": "audio/drops/JOB_INTERVIEWS_FROM_HELL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 1103.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 42.31, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's job interviews from hell. Five bits survived the war room tonight. If you have ever been completely unhierable, this one is for you. Turn it up."}, {"start": 42.31, "end": 58.31, "text": "So now before they even talk to you, they make you take a fucking personality test. A quiz. I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt, and a website wants to know if I'm a team player before it'll let a 19 year old manager reject me. 60 questions, 60."}, {"start": 58.31, "end": 77.31, "text": "Question one. I remain calm and positive under pressure. Motherfucker, I resigned from every state job I ever had. My background check isn't a document. It's a graveyard. It's got a little fence around it. I don't remain calm under pressure. I remain employed for about four months, and then I vanish like a fart in a courtroom."}, {"start": 77.31, "end": 105.31, "text": "Then it hits you with that sliding scale bullshit. Strongly disagree. Disagree. Neutral. Agree. Strongly agree. And I'm a red. I got one setting. I don't have a neutral. I have a fuck you. Question. I enjoy collaborating in a group. Strongly the fuck not. Question. I would tell a coworker if their idea was bad. I would tell a coworker their idea is bad while they're still fucking saying it. I'd interrupt the idea."}, {"start": 105.31, "end": 121.31, "text": "I'd euthanize the idea. That's why every manager I ever had tells the same horror story at parties. I'm a ghost story for middle management. They roast marshmallows and go, and then he said what he was actually thinking and the interns scream."}, {"start": 121.31, "end": 150.31, "text": "So the quiz is scoring me in real time, right? And I watch the little bar fill up red. Not red like passion. Red like a submarine that's fucking sinking. Red like the oven when it's done and the thing inside is burnt. And at the bottom it goes based on your answers you may not be a culture fit. May not be. I could have told you that for free. I've been telling HR that for 16 years. One resignation letter at a time. And that's when it hit me right there staring at that little red bar."}, {"start": 150.31, "end": 179.31, "text": "Every quiz on earth is going to spit me out. Every culture on earth already voted. And the culture said no. There is exactly one boss on this entire rotting planet who will ever hire this blunt, broke, calm under nothing son of a bitch. And it's the same asshole staring back at me in the black part of the screen. So I built my own fucking quiz for colors. Take it right now. It's beautiful. And you know what the results say every answer."}, {"start": 179.31, "end": 193.31, "text": "All of them. Congratulations. You're hired. You unemployable bastard. Welcome to the only company that would have you culture fit. Perfect. Staff one and that motherfucker has never once resigned."}, {"start": 193.31, "end": 211.31, "text": "So I'm filling out this job application right and I get to the bottom and it says please list three professional references. Three three people who will pick up a phone and tell a stranger that I'm not a fucking disaster. And I just sat there. I sat there like the question was in another language three references."}, {"start": 211.31, "end": 240.31, "text": "But I don't have three people who'd claim me at a funeral. I don't have three people who'd admit under oath that they know my last name. And it's not like I've never worked. That's the sick part. I worked the state for 16 years, 16. You know how many state jobs I had in that time. All of them. I collected departments like fucking baseball cards and every single one ends the same way. Me walking out going. I resign effective immediately and also go fuck yourself."}, {"start": 240.31, "end": 253.31, "text": "My background check isn't a resume. It's a graveyard. It's got little headstones on it. Here lies Jesse's job and payroll cause of death. He told the manager the truth. Here lies Jesse's job and records survived by nobody."}, {"start": 253.31, "end": 269.31, "text": "So okay, reference number one. I start scrolling my phone and every manager I ever had every single one has a story about me and it's never a good story. Nobody's out there going. Oh Jesse he was quiet real team player. No, their eyes go wide."}, {"start": 269.31, "end": 298.31, "text": "They put their coffee down. They go you worked with who? Oh buddy buddy sit down. Let me tell you what that lunatic did in the third floor break room. I'm not a reference. I'm a warning. HR uses my name to scare the new hires. They don't say my name at night. They'll summon me. And here's why I bomb every interview. Right. I'm a red. I'm too honest. They ask what's your biggest weakness and a normal person lies. They go. Oh, I just care too much. Me. I go. Well, I have $300,000 in debt."}, {"start": 298.31, "end": 315.31, "text": "I've quit 14 jobs and about 20 minutes into any room. I start to hate every single person in it, including you. And it's only been 20 minutes. And the interviewer is just blinking. Just blink. Blink. And I go, should I put you down as a reference? Cause you already know me better than the other two."}, {"start": 315.31, "end": 337.31, "text": "Reference number two, I'm getting desperate now. I'm scraping. I'm thinking who owes me? Nobody who likes me? Debatable. So I text my old supervisor guy I hadn't talked to in eight years. And I go, hey quick favor. Can I list you as a reference? And this man eight years of silence. He types back in nine seconds."}, {"start": 337.31, "end": 358.31, "text": "Nine seconds. Fastest he ever responded to me in his life. And it just says no and lose this number. That's it. That's the whole relationship summarized. He didn't even ask what the job was. He just knew in his soul that whatever it was, he did not want his name anywhere near it."}, {"start": 358.31, "end": 378.31, "text": "Reference number three doesn't exist. There is no reference three. I got a wife. I got a business partner. And I got a guy who edits my book. And that's the whole roster. And I can't use any of them because they all have the same problem. They know me too well. You can't use somebody who's seen the tax paperwork. That's not a reference. That's a witness."}, {"start": 378.31, "end": 407.31, "text": "And then it hit me standing there 50 years old broke 300 grand deep staring at a form asking me to prove one human being trust me. It hit me nobody is ever going to hire me not because I'm bad at the job. I'm great at the job. It's the other part the part where you have to pretend the part where you have to eat it and smile and put down three people who lie for you. I can't do it. I've never been able to do it. There is exactly one boss on this entire planet unhinged enough to hide."}, {"start": 408.31, "end": 435.31, "text": "I'm not going to hire this exact man. And that son of a bitch is me. So now I work for me. And let me tell you worst boss I've ever had screams all day. No health insurance pays in exposure. But you know what? First manager in 50 years who's never once asked me for a reference. He already knows the story. He was the story. And when he does the background check he just looks in the mirror and goes, yeah hire him. Nobody else fucking will."}, {"start": 435.31, "end": 464.31, "text": "The application says I need three references three. You know how much is on the internet about a man with no friends. I put down three names and two of them were the guy at the taco truck and my own reflection. And the third one. The third one is a manager from the state I worked under for 16 years. And I forgot he still has my number. So the hiring lady calls him and he picks up. He picks up on the first ring like he's been waiting a decade for this exact fucking phone call like there's a shrine in his cubicle with my face on it."}, {"start": 464.31, "end": 475.31, "text": "And I know he answered because she goes all quiet and her pen stops moving. That's the sound of a career dying. That's the click of a coffin. That little pen going tick tick tick and then nothing. She just goes."}, {"start": 475.31, "end": 490.31, "text": "Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, he did that on his first day in the parking lot. And I'm sitting across from her sweating through a shirt. I ironed with a hair straightener. I stole from a woman who left me and I'm thinking."}, {"start": 490.31, "end": 495.31, "text": "Buddy, we didn't even like each other. Why do you remember the parking lot?"}, {"start": 495.31, "end": 504.31, "text": "Because here's the horror story part. I didn't get fired from the state 16 years. And I resigned every single time. That's worse."}, {"start": 504.31, "end": 519.31, "text": "Fired is an accident. Resigning is a fucking decision. Fired is he wasn't a fit. Resigned is he looked us in the eye. Told us exactly what he thought of the whole damn every single one of you. And then walked out before payroll could catch him."}, {"start": 519.31, "end": 530.31, "text": "My background check isn't a document. It's a crime scene. It's a chalk outline in the shape of a man who kept quitting good jobs to prove a point nobody asked about. And the manager's still going."}, {"start": 530.31, "end": 535.31, "text": "She's got the phone and inch off her ear like it's hot and I can hear him."}, {"start": 535.31, "end": 548.31, "text": "Tinney little voice of a man finally free. And then he told the whole floor that the quarterly meeting was and I quote a room full of adults pretending a pie chart is a personality."}, {"start": 548.31, "end": 561.31, "text": "Which, okay, true. Correct. I stand by it. That's the red in me. I'm a protector. I protect everyone from the pie chart. Nobody thanked me. They just wrote it down."}, {"start": 561.31, "end": 573.31, "text": "So she hangs up. She sets the phone down soft like it's a body. And she does the interview thing where she smiles with only the bottom of her face. And she goes, well, he had a lot to say about you."}, {"start": 573.31, "end": 586.31, "text": "And I go completely honest because I don't have a lie left in me at 50. I'm 300 grand in debt. I got no reserves for lying. I go, man, that's the nicest thing he's ever said. He called you back."}, {"start": 586.31, "end": 595.31, "text": "He's never once called me back. And that's the moment it hits me right there in the chair. It's not the job. It's never going to be the job."}, {"start": 595.31, "end": 605.31, "text": "There is not one boss left on this earth dumb enough to hire me because every boss I've ever had is a witness now. They're not references. They're the fucking prosecution."}, {"start": 605.31, "end": 624.31, "text": "The only man who will ever hire me is me. I got to be the boss and the guy the boss can't fire. And I swear to you, I already told that guy what I think of him too. So I stood up. I shook her hand. I said, thank you for your time. I withdraw my application. And also your pie chart out front."}, {"start": 624.31, "end": 645.31, "text": "Room full of adults. And I walked out into the parking lot, the famous parking lot got in my car opened a laptop. I don't understand and started building the only company on earth that would take a reference call. Answer on the first ring and say, him, best worker I ever had, terrifying. Never call again."}, {"start": 645.31, "end": 661.31, "text": "Why did you leave your last job? Why did you leave your last job? You know how many times I've answered that fucking question today? 16, 16 because I gave the state 16 years and I resigned from every single one of them."}, {"start": 661.31, "end": 674.31, "text": "My background check isn't a document. It's a graveyard. It's got little tombstones on it. Here lies Jesse worked here 11 weeks, cause of death. He opened his mouth in a meeting."}, {"start": 674.31, "end": 701.31, "text": "So the guy across the desk, he's got my whole resume printed out and he goes, wow, you've had a lot of positions. Yeah, yeah, I have. I'm like a stray dog that keeps getting adopted and returned. Every family thinks they're the ones going to fix me. Then day three, I tell the manager his budget plan is fucking stupid. And suddenly I'm not a culture fit. No shit, I'm not a culture fit. The culture is lying and I'm allergic. Why did I leave? Okay?"}, {"start": 701.31, "end": 719.31, "text": "Honestly, I didn't leave. I evacuated. There's a difference. Leaving is when you give two weeks. I gave two sentences. I stood up. I said, I can't do this. And you people are insane. And I walked out so fast I left a Jesse shaped hole in the dry wall like a fucking cartoon."}, {"start": 719.31, "end": 731.31, "text": "And that's the red personality man. I'm a red protector, which sounds noble until you realize it just means I will die on a hill that does not matter to defend a point nobody asked about."}, {"start": 731.31, "end": 747.31, "text": "The interviewer goes, where do you see yourself in five years? And my mouth without my permission goes, honestly, not here. Out loud. To his face. I watched his soul leave his body. I don't have a filter."}, {"start": 747.31, "end": 760.31, "text": "I have a megaphone pointed at my own career. So now it's the 16th interview and he hits me with, can you provide three references? Three. He wants three people who will say something nice about me."}, {"start": 760.31, "end": 774.31, "text": "Buddy, I don't have three. I have my dog and my dog can't talk and even he looks disappointed sometimes. Every manager I've ever had would pick up that phone, hear my name and just start laughing. Not talking, just wheezing."}, {"start": 774.31, "end": 792.31, "text": "Just who that guy and hanging up. My references are a support group. They meet on Thursdays. The topic is me and I'm 50, 50, 300 grand in debt sitting in a lobby that smells like burnt coffee and other people's dignity filling out a personality assessment for a job that pays $16 an hour."}, {"start": 792.31, "end": 808.31, "text": "And the last question is, are you a team player? And I just started laughing in the lobby alone like a maniac because the answer is no. The answer has always been no. I'm not a team player. I'm the guy who tells the team the play is fucking terrible right before we run it."}, {"start": 808.31, "end": 820.31, "text": "And that's when it hit me right there in that plastic chair 16 years 16 jobs 16 versions of why did you leave? And every time the real answer was the same."}, {"start": 820.31, "end": 849.31, "text": "Because I can't work for a single one of you sons of bitches. Not because you're bad because I'm me. There is exactly one boss on this entire planet who will ever hire this lunatic tolerate this mouth and not fire me on a Tuesday. And that man is me. So I stood up right in the middle of interview 16 and the guy goes, where are you going? And I said I quit. And he goes, you don't work here yet. And I'm not going to work here."}, {"start": 849.31, "end": 864.31, "text": "And I said, exactly. I'm ahead of schedule for the first time in my life. And I walked out into a world I don't understand to go build the one company insane enough to employ me. No references, no filter, no boss."}, {"start": 864.31, "end": 881.31, "text": "Just a 50 year old man 300 grand in the hole screaming into a laptop finally fucking unemployable enough to be free. So I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt and everybody keeps screaming the same fucking thing at me. Jesse get into I.I."}, {"start": 881.31, "end": 892.31, "text": "That's where the money is. So I did what any desperate broke bastard does. I applied for a job in I.I. A field I do not understand at all."}, {"start": 892.31, "end": 901.31, "text": "I don't know what I.I. stands for man. I've been telling people it means absolutely idiotic because that's how I feel every single time I open the laptop."}, {"start": 901.31, "end": 910.31, "text": "So I get on the video interview and there's this 26 year old kid right hoodie no chin drinking a green smoothie that looks like he blended a fucking lawn."}, {"start": 910.31, "end": 937.31, "text": "And he goes so walk me through your experience with large language models and I froze because in my head I'm going I don't know one big language homie I speak regular English and I speak angry that's the two you want large language I'll give you large fucking language watch this get out of my car before I decorate the dashboard with your teeth that's my large language model motherfucker trained on 11 years of rideshare."}, {"start": 937.31, "end": 967.31, "text": "And he's typing he's typing while I'm dying and he goes interesting what's your experience with prompts and I go buddy I am 50 my prostate prompts me four times a night I know prompts I got a prompt at 3 a.m. That changed my whole schedule then then he hits me with the killer he goes can you tell me about a time you leveraged machine learning and I said yes absolutely one time my truck wouldn't start and I learned real quick that machine was done that's my"}, {"start": 967.31, "end": 997.29, "text": "machine learning the machine taught me it said Jesse you broke walk to work you 50 year old fossil he goes I don't think this is a fit no shit I don't even know what the job is the listing said I prompt engineer competitive salary I applied because it had the word engineer and I once put a train set together for a nephew and it stayed up for like 90 minutes I thought I qualified and here's the thing that broke my brain right I could"}, {"start": 997.29, "end": 1027.25, "text": "even get to the I part because the interview never gets there because every job wants three references three people who will say I'm good I resigned from every state job I ever had across 16 years man my background check isn't a document it's a fucking obituary every manager I ever had you call them they don't give a reference they give a warning Jesse oh no lock your doors is he near a computer get to the chopper and I'm sitting there in this pile no references no degree 50 broke"}, {"start": 1027.29, "end": 1057.25, "text": "don't understand the one industry with money in it and it finally clicked nobody's ever going to hire me there is no boss on this earth dumb enough to sign that paperwork and you know what fine fine the only son of a bitch crazy enough to hire Jesse is Jesse I'm the boss now and let me tell you about my new boss he's a red he's an asshole he doesn't do references and if you resign he blends you into a smoothie and drinks you at your own interview your hired motherfucker first days to"}, {"start": 1057.25, "end": 1087.21, "text": "today no you can't take a break I don't even pay me and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back"}, {"start": 1087.25, "end": 1103.53, "text": "you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's job interviews from hell. Five bits survived the war room tonight. If you have ever been completely unhierable, this one is for you. Turn it up. So now before they even talk to you, they make you take a fucking personality test. A quiz. I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt, and a website wants to know if I'm a team player before it'll let a 19 year old manager reject me. 60 questions, 60. Question one. I remain calm and positive under pressure. Motherfucker, I resigned from every state job I ever had. My background check isn't a document. It's a graveyard. It's got a little fence around it. I don't remain calm under pressure. I remain employed for about four months, and then I vanish like a fart in a courtroom. Then it hits you with that sliding scale bullshit. Strongly disagree. Disagree. Neutral. Agree. Strongly agree. And I'm a red. I got one setting. I don't have a neutral. I have a fuck you. Question. I enjoy collaborating in a group. Strongly the fuck not. Question. I would tell a coworker if their idea was bad. I would tell a coworker their idea is bad while they're still fucking saying it. I'd interrupt the idea. I'd euthanize the idea. That's why every manager I ever had tells the same horror story at parties. I'm a ghost story for middle management. They roast marshmallows and go, and then he said what he was actually thinking and the interns scream. So the quiz is scoring me in real time, right? And I watch the little bar fill up red. Not red like passion. Red like a submarine that's fucking sinking. Red like the oven when it's done and the thing inside is burnt. And at the bottom it goes based on your answers you may not be a culture fit. May not be. I could have told you that for free. I've been telling HR that for 16 years. One resignation letter at a time. And that's when it hit me right there staring at that little red bar. Every quiz on earth is going to spit me out. Every culture on earth already voted. And the culture said no. There is exactly one boss on this entire rotting planet who will ever hire this blunt, broke, calm under nothing son of a bitch. And it's the same asshole staring back at me in the black part of the screen. So I built my own fucking quiz for colors. Take it right now. It's beautiful. And you know what the results say every answer. All of them. Congratulations. You're hired. You unemployable bastard. Welcome to the only company that would have you culture fit. Perfect. Staff one and that motherfucker has never once resigned. So I'm filling out this job application right and I get to the bottom and it says please list three professional references. Three three people who will pick up a phone and tell a stranger that I'm not a fucking disaster. And I just sat there. I sat there like the question was in another language three references. But I don't have three people who'd claim me at a funeral. I don't have three people who'd admit under oath that they know my last name. And it's not like I've never worked. That's the sick part. I worked the state for 16 years, 16. You know how many state jobs I had in that time. All of them. I collected departments like fucking baseball cards and every single one ends the same way. Me walking out going. I resign effective immediately and also go fuck yourself. My background check isn't a resume. It's a graveyard. It's got little headstones on it. Here lies Jesse's job and payroll cause of death. He told the manager the truth. Here lies Jesse's job and records survived by nobody. So okay, reference number one. I start scrolling my phone and every manager I ever had every single one has a story about me and it's never a good story. Nobody's out there going. Oh Jesse he was quiet real team player. No, their eyes go wide. They put their coffee down. They go you worked with who? Oh buddy buddy sit down. Let me tell you what that lunatic did in the third floor break room. I'm not a reference. I'm a warning. HR uses my name to scare the new hires. They don't say my name at night. They'll summon me. And here's why I bomb every interview. Right. I'm a red. I'm too honest. They ask what's your biggest weakness and a normal person lies. They go. Oh, I just care too much. Me. I go. Well, I have $300,000 in debt. I've quit 14 jobs and about 20 minutes into any room. I start to hate every single person in it, including you. And it's only been 20 minutes. And the interviewer is just blinking. Just blink. Blink. And I go, should I put you down as a reference? Cause you already know me better than the other two. Reference number two, I'm getting desperate now. I'm scraping. I'm thinking who owes me? Nobody who likes me? Debatable. So I text my old supervisor guy I hadn't talked to in eight years. And I go, hey quick favor. Can I list you as a reference? And this man eight years of silence. He types back in nine seconds. Nine seconds. Fastest he ever responded to me in his life. And it just says no and lose this number. That's it. That's the whole relationship summarized. He didn't even ask what the job was. He just knew in his soul that whatever it was, he did not want his name anywhere near it. Reference number three doesn't exist. There is no reference three. I got a wife. I got a business partner. And I got a guy who edits my book. And that's the whole roster. And I can't use any of them because they all have the same problem. They know me too well. You can't use somebody who's seen the tax paperwork. That's not a reference. That's a witness. And then it hit me standing there 50 years old broke 300 grand deep staring at a form asking me to prove one human being trust me. It hit me nobody is ever going to hire me not because I'm bad at the job. I'm great at the job. It's the other part the part where you have to pretend the part where you have to eat it and smile and put down three people who lie for you. I can't do it. I've never been able to do it. There is exactly one boss on this entire planet unhinged enough to hide. I'm not going to hire this exact man. And that son of a bitch is me. So now I work for me. And let me tell you worst boss I've ever had screams all day. No health insurance pays in exposure. But you know what? First manager in 50 years who's never once asked me for a reference. He already knows the story. He was the story. And when he does the background check he just looks in the mirror and goes, yeah hire him. Nobody else fucking will. The application says I need three references three. You know how much is on the internet about a man with no friends. I put down three names and two of them were the guy at the taco truck and my own reflection. And the third one. The third one is a manager from the state I worked under for 16 years. And I forgot he still has my number. So the hiring lady calls him and he picks up. He picks up on the first ring like he's been waiting a decade for this exact fucking phone call like there's a shrine in his cubicle with my face on it. And I know he answered because she goes all quiet and her pen stops moving. That's the sound of a career dying. That's the click of a coffin. That little pen going tick tick tick and then nothing. She just goes. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, he did that on his first day in the parking lot. And I'm sitting across from her sweating through a shirt. I ironed with a hair straightener. I stole from a woman who left me and I'm thinking. Buddy, we didn't even like each other. Why do you remember the parking lot? Because here's the horror story part. I didn't get fired from the state 16 years. And I resigned every single time. That's worse. Fired is an accident. Resigning is a fucking decision. Fired is he wasn't a fit. Resigned is he looked us in the eye. Told us exactly what he thought of the whole damn every single one of you. And then walked out before payroll could catch him. My background check isn't a document. It's a crime scene. It's a chalk outline in the shape of a man who kept quitting good jobs to prove a point nobody asked about. And the manager's still going. She's got the phone and inch off her ear like it's hot and I can hear him. Tinney little voice of a man finally free. And then he told the whole floor that the quarterly meeting was and I quote a room full of adults pretending a pie chart is a personality. Which, okay, true. Correct. I stand by it. That's the red in me. I'm a protector. I protect everyone from the pie chart. Nobody thanked me. They just wrote it down. So she hangs up. She sets the phone down soft like it's a body. And she does the interview thing where she smiles with only the bottom of her face. And she goes, well, he had a lot to say about you. And I go completely honest because I don't have a lie left in me at 50. I'm 300 grand in debt. I got no reserves for lying. I go, man, that's the nicest thing he's ever said. He called you back. He's never once called me back. And that's the moment it hits me right there in the chair. It's not the job. It's never going to be the job. There is not one boss left on this earth dumb enough to hire me because every boss I've ever had is a witness now. They're not references. They're the fucking prosecution. The only man who will ever hire me is me. I got to be the boss and the guy the boss can't fire. And I swear to you, I already told that guy what I think of him too. So I stood up. I shook her hand. I said, thank you for your time. I withdraw my application. And also your pie chart out front. Room full of adults. And I walked out into the parking lot, the famous parking lot got in my car opened a laptop. I don't understand and started building the only company on earth that would take a reference call. Answer on the first ring and say, him, best worker I ever had, terrifying. Never call again. Why did you leave your last job? Why did you leave your last job? You know how many times I've answered that fucking question today? 16, 16 because I gave the state 16 years and I resigned from every single one of them. My background check isn't a document. It's a graveyard. It's got little tombstones on it. Here lies Jesse worked here 11 weeks, cause of death. He opened his mouth in a meeting. So the guy across the desk, he's got my whole resume printed out and he goes, wow, you've had a lot of positions. Yeah, yeah, I have. I'm like a stray dog that keeps getting adopted and returned. Every family thinks they're the ones going to fix me. Then day three, I tell the manager his budget plan is fucking stupid. And suddenly I'm not a culture fit. No shit, I'm not a culture fit. The culture is lying and I'm allergic. Why did I leave? Okay? Honestly, I didn't leave. I evacuated. There's a difference. Leaving is when you give two weeks. I gave two sentences. I stood up. I said, I can't do this. And you people are insane. And I walked out so fast I left a Jesse shaped hole in the dry wall like a fucking cartoon. And that's the red personality man. I'm a red protector, which sounds noble until you realize it just means I will die on a hill that does not matter to defend a point nobody asked about. The interviewer goes, where do you see yourself in five years? And my mouth without my permission goes, honestly, not here. Out loud. To his face. I watched his soul leave his body. I don't have a filter. I have a megaphone pointed at my own career. So now it's the 16th interview and he hits me with, can you provide three references? Three. He wants three people who will say something nice about me. Buddy, I don't have three. I have my dog and my dog can't talk and even he looks disappointed sometimes. Every manager I've ever had would pick up that phone, hear my name and just start laughing. Not talking, just wheezing. Just who that guy and hanging up. My references are a support group. They meet on Thursdays. The topic is me and I'm 50, 50, 300 grand in debt sitting in a lobby that smells like burnt coffee and other people's dignity filling out a personality assessment for a job that pays $16 an hour. And the last question is, are you a team player? And I just started laughing in the lobby alone like a maniac because the answer is no. The answer has always been no. I'm not a team player. I'm the guy who tells the team the play is fucking terrible right before we run it. And that's when it hit me right there in that plastic chair 16 years 16 jobs 16 versions of why did you leave? And every time the real answer was the same. Because I can't work for a single one of you sons of bitches. Not because you're bad because I'm me. There is exactly one boss on this entire planet who will ever hire this lunatic tolerate this mouth and not fire me on a Tuesday. And that man is me. So I stood up right in the middle of interview 16 and the guy goes, where are you going? And I said I quit. And he goes, you don't work here yet. And I'm not going to work here. And I said, exactly. I'm ahead of schedule for the first time in my life. And I walked out into a world I don't understand to go build the one company insane enough to employ me. No references, no filter, no boss. Just a 50 year old man 300 grand in the hole screaming into a laptop finally fucking unemployable enough to be free. So I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt and everybody keeps screaming the same fucking thing at me. Jesse get into I.I. That's where the money is. So I did what any desperate broke bastard does. I applied for a job in I.I. A field I do not understand at all. I don't know what I.I. stands for man. I've been telling people it means absolutely idiotic because that's how I feel every single time I open the laptop. So I get on the video interview and there's this 26 year old kid right hoodie no chin drinking a green smoothie that looks like he blended a fucking lawn. And he goes so walk me through your experience with large language models and I froze because in my head I'm going I don't know one big language homie I speak regular English and I speak angry that's the two you want large language I'll give you large fucking language watch this get out of my car before I decorate the dashboard with your teeth that's my large language model motherfucker trained on 11 years of rideshare. And he's typing he's typing while I'm dying and he goes interesting what's your experience with prompts and I go buddy I am 50 my prostate prompts me four times a night I know prompts I got a prompt at 3 a.m. That changed my whole schedule then then he hits me with the killer he goes can you tell me about a time you leveraged machine learning and I said yes absolutely one time my truck wouldn't start and I learned real quick that machine was done that's my machine learning the machine taught me it said Jesse you broke walk to work you 50 year old fossil he goes I don't think this is a fit no shit I don't even know what the job is the listing said I prompt engineer competitive salary I applied because it had the word engineer and I once put a train set together for a nephew and it stayed up for like 90 minutes I thought I qualified and here's the thing that broke my brain right I could even get to the I part because the interview never gets there because every job wants three references three people who will say I'm good I resigned from every state job I ever had across 16 years man my background check isn't a document it's a fucking obituary every manager I ever had you call them they don't give a reference they give a warning Jesse oh no lock your doors is he near a computer get to the chopper and I'm sitting there in this pile no references no degree 50 broke don't understand the one industry with money in it and it finally clicked nobody's ever going to hire me there is no boss on this earth dumb enough to sign that paperwork and you know what fine fine the only son of a bitch crazy enough to hire Jesse is Jesse I'm the boss now and let me tell you about my new boss he's a red he's an asshole he doesn't do references and if you resign he blends you into a smoothie and drinks you at your own interview your hired motherfucker first days to today no you can't take a break I don't even pay me and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}