{"file": "audio/drops/FOUR_COLORS_OF_LOVE_SPECIAL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 2823.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.24, "end": 9.68, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.68, "end": 11.68, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.68, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.16, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.16, "end": 22.16, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.16, "end": 24.16, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.16, "end": 25.56, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.56, "end": 27.0, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.0, "end": 28.0, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.0, "end": 33.76, "text": "I'll write you filthy degenerates tonight."}, {"start": 33.76, "end": 38.16, "text": "I'm 50 years old and I'm about to hand you the dirtiest secret I ever learned."}, {"start": 38.16, "end": 43.12, "text": "How a broke, busted up motherfucker like me gets more pussy at 50 than most of you clowns"}, {"start": 43.12, "end": 49.66, "text": "got at 25 and the numbers don't lie."}, {"start": 49.66, "end": 52.14, "text": "Now every man in this room thinks he knows the game."}, {"start": 52.14, "end": 55.82, "text": "You think it's the car, you think it's the money, you think it's the gym body and the"}, {"start": 55.82, "end": 56.82, "text": "fresh line."}, {"start": 56.82, "end": 58.74, "text": "Wrong, you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 58.74, "end": 59.94, "text": "I'm broke as a joke."}, {"start": 59.94, "end": 64.38, "text": "I clean toilets for a living and I've unlocked more women than a damn locksmith so sit"}, {"start": 64.38, "end": 65.98, "text": "down and take notes."}, {"start": 69.12, "end": 72.0, "text": "Here's the first punch, motherfuckers, and it's gonna hurt."}, {"start": 72.0, "end": 73.24, "text": "It ain't your dick."}, {"start": 73.24, "end": 74.28, "text": "It never was."}, {"start": 74.28, "end": 78.72, "text": "The single horniest thing you can do to a woman, the thing that gets those legs open faster"}, {"start": 78.72, "end": 82.72, "text": "than any Corvette, is shut the fuck up and listen."}, {"start": 82.72, "end": 86.09, "text": "I'm serious."}, {"start": 86.09, "end": 87.97, "text": "I studied this like a science."}, {"start": 87.97, "end": 89.33, "text": "A woman is a combo lock."}, {"start": 89.33, "end": 93.61, "text": "You beautiful bastards, three numbers and when you hit them right, the whole thing pops"}, {"start": 93.61, "end": 96.61, "text": "open and those three numbers ain't her measurements."}, {"start": 96.61, "end": 97.61, "text": "It's her colors."}, {"start": 97.61, "end": 98.61, "text": "Her code."}, {"start": 98.69, "end": 103.21, "text": "She actually wants underneath all of it."}, {"start": 103.21, "end": 105.13, "text": "So at 50, I put on the glasses."}, {"start": 105.13, "end": 107.77, "text": "I can read a woman the second she walks in the room."}, {"start": 107.77, "end": 110.17, "text": "I see her color like a damn heat map."}, {"start": 110.17, "end": 115.95, "text": "And instead of talking about me, my dick, my dreams, my bullshit, I ask her the magic"}, {"start": 115.95, "end": 120.45, "text": "question that no man on earth ever asks, what do you want?"}, {"start": 120.45, "end": 127.53, "text": "And then I do the unthinkable motherfuckers, I wait for the answer."}, {"start": 127.53, "end": 128.53, "text": "And that's it."}, {"start": 128.53, "end": 130.25, "text": "That's the whole cheat code."}, {"start": 130.25, "end": 134.05, "text": "While every other guy is out there flexing and lying and buying drinks, I'm just sitting"}, {"start": 134.05, "end": 137.57, "text": "there listening and the lock pops."}, {"start": 137.57, "end": 139.21, "text": "Sometimes in hours."}, {"start": 139.21, "end": 143.45, "text": "Sometimes she unlocks herself before I even make a move because she's so shocked a man"}, {"start": 143.45, "end": 144.53, "text": "actually heard her."}, {"start": 144.53, "end": 148.93, "text": "She does the work for me."}, {"start": 148.93, "end": 151.65, "text": "I got a whole damn list, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 151.65, "end": 154.49, "text": "I kept score and the numbers don't lie."}, {"start": 154.49, "end": 158.57, "text": "The broke toilet cleaner with three dogs runs a better batting average than the rich pretty"}, {"start": 158.57, "end": 160.37, "text": "boys with the Rolexes."}, {"start": 160.37, "end": 161.37, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 161.37, "end": 163.93, "text": "Because they're selling and I'm listening."}, {"start": 163.93, "end": 168.09, "text": "Turns out the master key to every woman alive was two little words."}, {"start": 168.09, "end": 171.81, "text": "Tell me."}, {"start": 171.81, "end": 175.85, "text": "And here's the part that's going to make the men mad and the women scream."}, {"start": 175.85, "end": 177.61, "text": "It's true motherfuckers."}, {"start": 177.61, "end": 181.09, "text": "Y'all been walking around thinking women want something complicated."}, {"start": 181.09, "end": 182.09, "text": "They don't."}, {"start": 182.09, "end": 186.21, "text": "They want the same thing that broke eight year old candy store kid wanted his whole life"}, {"start": 186.21, "end": 187.53, "text": "to be heard."}, {"start": 187.53, "end": 190.01, "text": "Give her that and she'll give you everything."}, {"start": 190.01, "end": 196.99, "text": "The dirtiest secret on the planet is being a decent damn listener."}, {"start": 196.99, "end": 200.67, "text": "I watched men and women bitch about their dating life for years."}, {"start": 200.67, "end": 206.89, "text": "Crying, swiping, losing their minds and the whole time I'm thinking you dumb bastards."}, {"start": 206.89, "end": 208.39, "text": "The answer is free."}, {"start": 208.39, "end": 209.51, "text": "Put the phone down."}, {"start": 209.51, "end": 210.51, "text": "Shut your mouth."}, {"start": 210.51, "end": 211.51, "text": "Read the color."}, {"start": 211.51, "end": 213.19, "text": "Ask what she wants."}, {"start": 213.19, "end": 215.07, "text": "That's a book motherfuckers."}, {"start": 215.07, "end": 221.0, "text": "That's the truth nobody wants to sell you because it don't cost nothing."}, {"start": 221.0, "end": 222.64, "text": "So that's my gift to you tonight."}, {"start": 222.64, "end": 224.24, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 224.24, "end": 225.24, "text": "50 years old."}, {"start": 225.24, "end": 226.24, "text": "Broke."}, {"start": 226.24, "end": 227.24, "text": "Three dogs."}, {"start": 227.24, "end": 228.24, "text": "Clean in houses."}, {"start": 228.24, "end": 230.6, "text": "And I cracked the code that a billion dollar app can't."}, {"start": 230.6, "end": 231.6, "text": "It ain't your money."}, {"start": 231.6, "end": 232.6, "text": "It ain't your dick."}, {"start": 232.6, "end": 233.76, "text": "It ain't your face."}, {"start": 233.76, "end": 235.52, "text": "It's your ears and your eyes."}, {"start": 235.52, "end": 237.12, "text": "And one damn question."}, {"start": 237.12, "end": 238.12, "text": "Read the colors."}, {"start": 238.12, "end": 239.12, "text": "Put on the glasses."}, {"start": 239.12, "end": 240.12, "text": "Shut up and listen."}, {"start": 240.12, "end": 241.12, "text": "And the numbers."}, {"start": 241.12, "end": 242.12, "text": "The numbers."}, {"start": 242.12, "end": 243.12, "text": "Never lie."}, {"start": 243.12, "end": 244.12, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 244.12, "end": 252.09, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 252.09, "end": 254.41, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 254.41, "end": 260.85, "text": "Put the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 260.85, "end": 262.57, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 262.57, "end": 268.29, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 268.29, "end": 271.81, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 271.81, "end": 272.81, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 272.81, "end": 273.81, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 273.81, "end": 275.13, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 275.13, "end": 277.21, "text": "So is he always."}, {"start": 277.21, "end": 279.53, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 279.53, "end": 284.49, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 284.49, "end": 290.09, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 290.09, "end": 291.09, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 291.09, "end": 292.09, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 292.09, "end": 293.65, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 293.65, "end": 305.22, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 305.22, "end": 310.22, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 310.22, "end": 312.3, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 312.3, "end": 317.42, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line"}, {"start": 317.42, "end": 321.74, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 321.74, "end": 322.74, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 322.74, "end": 324.74, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 324.74, "end": 326.14, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 326.14, "end": 327.58, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 327.58, "end": 328.62, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 328.62, "end": 334.05, "text": "All right, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 334.05, "end": 337.01, "text": "Listen up now that Jesse taught you the four colors tonight."}, {"start": 337.01, "end": 338.57, "text": "We take him into the bedroom."}, {"start": 338.57, "end": 341.37, "text": "This is the dirtiest personality test you'll ever take."}, {"start": 341.37, "end": 345.41, "text": "And before the fan mail starts, this is all comedy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 345.41, "end": 346.41, "text": "It's a bit."}, {"start": 346.41, "end": 347.41, "text": "Don't a me."}, {"start": 347.41, "end": 352.43, "text": "Now let's talk about how each color fucks."}, {"start": 352.43, "end": 357.27, "text": "We start with the green, the thinkers, the quiet ones you filthy animals."}, {"start": 357.27, "end": 359.11, "text": "Green is dead silent in bed."}, {"start": 359.11, "end": 364.51, "text": "No noise, no words, just intense eye contact and a whole lot of overthinking."}, {"start": 364.51, "end": 366.55, "text": "You never know what a green's feeling."}, {"start": 366.55, "end": 369.27, "text": "They're running a spreadsheet in their head while they wreck you."}, {"start": 369.27, "end": 372.03, "text": "The quiet ones are always the ones that surprise you."}, {"start": 372.03, "end": 377.34, "text": "Still waters run filthy."}, {"start": 377.34, "end": 379.66, "text": "Then you got the yellow, the huggers."}, {"start": 379.66, "end": 383.02, "text": "Oh, the yellow just wants to love you motherfuckers."}, {"start": 383.02, "end": 385.06, "text": "They ain't even really about the sex."}, {"start": 385.06, "end": 390.5, "text": "It's about the cuddle, the connection, the are you okay baby, mid thrust."}, {"start": 390.5, "end": 395.26, "text": "A yellow will make love to your soul and then make you breakfast and cry a little."}, {"start": 395.26, "end": 401.23, "text": "Sweetest lay you'll ever have and they'll text you good morning for a month."}, {"start": 401.23, "end": 403.43, "text": "Now the red, the protectors."}, {"start": 403.43, "end": 404.71, "text": "Red is going to take control."}, {"start": 404.71, "end": 406.31, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 406.31, "end": 408.59, "text": "Red will do anything and red likes it."}, {"start": 408.59, "end": 409.59, "text": "But make no mistake."}, {"start": 409.59, "end": 411.23, "text": "Red is running the show."}, {"start": 411.23, "end": 413.83, "text": "It's their way, their pace, their rules."}, {"start": 413.83, "end": 415.07, "text": "You don't top a red."}, {"start": 415.07, "end": 420.58, "text": "You survive a red and you say thank you."}, {"start": 420.58, "end": 425.62, "text": "But then motherfuckers, then you got the blue, the chameleons and this is where the comedy"}, {"start": 425.62, "end": 429.94, "text": "begins."}, {"start": 429.94, "end": 434.78, "text": "The blue is the craziest son of a bitch in the bedroom, hands down."}, {"start": 434.78, "end": 435.78, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 435.78, "end": 438.46, "text": "Because a blue becomes whatever the moment needs."}, {"start": 438.46, "end": 443.06, "text": "So in bed, a blue is a different person every single time."}, {"start": 443.06, "end": 445.1, "text": "You never know who you're going to get."}, {"start": 445.1, "end": 446.54, "text": "One night sweet."}, {"start": 446.54, "end": 448.06, "text": "Last night unhinged."}, {"start": 448.06, "end": 450.82, "text": "Next night doing something you got to look up afterward."}, {"start": 450.82, "end": 453.86, "text": "The blues are the freaks you fill the animals."}, {"start": 453.86, "end": 457.54, "text": "Every wild story you ever heard at a bar started with a blue."}, {"start": 457.54, "end": 465.41, "text": "A blue will read the room, read you, and then give you the freaky version of yourself you"}, {"start": 465.41, "end": 467.37, "text": "were too scared to ask for."}, {"start": 467.37, "end": 469.13, "text": "That's a gift and a warning."}, {"start": 469.13, "end": 470.41, "text": "You don't date a blue."}, {"start": 470.41, "end": 474.38, "text": "You get possessed by one."}, {"start": 474.38, "end": 478.5, "text": "And then the combo that ought to come with a damn hazard sign."}, {"start": 478.5, "end": 479.78, "text": "The blue red."}, {"start": 479.78, "end": 483.02, "text": "The chameleon and the protector in one body."}, {"start": 483.02, "end": 485.3, "text": "These motherfuckers are the super freaks."}, {"start": 485.3, "end": 486.86, "text": "Blue brings the wild."}, {"start": 486.86, "end": 488.42, "text": "Red brings the control."}, {"start": 488.42, "end": 493.42, "text": "And together they will take you places your therapist is going to hear about for years."}, {"start": 493.42, "end": 497.62, "text": "A blue red is a roller coaster with no seat belt and no bottom."}, {"start": 497.62, "end": 502.31, "text": "Ride at your own risk."}, {"start": 502.31, "end": 503.31, "text": "So that's the map."}, {"start": 503.31, "end": 504.55, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 504.55, "end": 506.51, "text": "The green quietly destroys you."}, {"start": 506.51, "end": 508.19, "text": "The yellow loves you to pieces."}, {"start": 508.19, "end": 510.83, "text": "The red runs you and the blue possesses you."}, {"start": 510.83, "end": 517.62, "text": "And if you find a blue red, good luck to you because I sure couldn't."}, {"start": 517.62, "end": 522.86, "text": "So take the quiz, find your color, find theirs, and now you know exactly what you're walking"}, {"start": 522.86, "end": 525.58, "text": "into before you drop them drawers."}, {"start": 525.58, "end": 528.18, "text": "That's the dirtiest gift I can give you."}, {"start": 528.18, "end": 532.18, "text": "Read the colors, put on the glasses, and buckle the fuck up."}, {"start": 532.18, "end": 535.22, "text": "And remember motherfuckers, it's all comedy."}, {"start": 535.22, "end": 537.14, "text": "Mostly the hammer."}, {"start": 537.14, "end": 546.16, "text": "Good night you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 546.16, "end": 548.48, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 548.48, "end": 554.32, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 554.32, "end": 556.64, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 556.64, "end": 562.32, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 562.32, "end": 565.88, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 565.88, "end": 567.96, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 567.96, "end": 571.24, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 571.24, "end": 573.6, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 573.6, "end": 577.12, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 577.12, "end": 582.68, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 582.68, "end": 585.2, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 585.2, "end": 587.72, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 587.72, "end": 599.29, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 599.29, "end": 604.29, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 604.29, "end": 606.41, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 606.41, "end": 611.49, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a line"}, {"start": 611.49, "end": 615.81, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 615.81, "end": 616.81, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 616.81, "end": 618.81, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 618.81, "end": 620.21, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 620.21, "end": 621.65, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 621.65, "end": 626.32, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 626.32, "end": 628.4, "text": "Alright you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 628.4, "end": 630.6, "text": "Tonight Jesse confesses something."}, {"start": 630.6, "end": 635.84, "text": "At 50 years old, I have had sex in more places than most of you have ever visited."}, {"start": 635.84, "end": 638.28, "text": "I'm not bragging motherfuckers."}, {"start": 638.28, "end": 639.8, "text": "I'm confessin."}, {"start": 639.8, "end": 644.52, "text": "I got a problem and the problem is I never met a location I didn't want to defile."}, {"start": 648.34, "end": 652.06, "text": "And when a woman asked me, where's the craziest place you ever did it?"}, {"start": 652.06, "end": 653.06, "text": "I played dumb."}, {"start": 653.06, "end": 655.38, "text": "I go, what do you mean?"}, {"start": 655.38, "end": 657.86, "text": "Because I want to hear her list first, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 657.86, "end": 659.86, "text": "I'm gathering intelligence."}, {"start": 659.86, "end": 665.93, "text": "Never show your hand when the other players hold in a resume."}, {"start": 665.93, "end": 667.25, "text": "Let's start with the snow."}, {"start": 667.25, "end": 668.93, "text": "Yeah, the snow."}, {"start": 668.93, "end": 672.05, "text": "Now let me tell you about cold weather sex motherfuckers."}, {"start": 672.05, "end": 675.65, "text": "It is 90% logistics and 10% regret."}, {"start": 675.65, "end": 680.21, "text": "You're trying to be romantic and your whole body's screaming, we are gonna die out here."}, {"start": 680.21, "end": 684.73, "text": "And things are shrinking to sizes that do not help your reputation."}, {"start": 684.73, "end": 689.91, "text": "Snow sex is just frostbite with extra steps."}, {"start": 689.91, "end": 690.99, "text": "Now here's a dark one."}, {"start": 690.99, "end": 692.39, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 692.39, "end": 694.59, "text": "Girlfriends love doing it on their parents bed."}, {"start": 694.59, "end": 695.59, "text": "Love it."}, {"start": 695.59, "end": 699.31, "text": "And I never understood the psychology till I realized it ain't about me."}, {"start": 699.31, "end": 700.51, "text": "It's revenge."}, {"start": 700.51, "end": 701.51, "text": "That's not passion."}, {"start": 701.51, "end": 704.75, "text": "That's a woman working out 20 years of childhood on a mattress."}, {"start": 704.75, "end": 710.22, "text": "And I'm just the tool she brought to therapy."}, {"start": 710.22, "end": 711.46, "text": "But the best?"}, {"start": 711.46, "end": 714.3, "text": "The best hands down motherfuckers."}, {"start": 714.3, "end": 715.3, "text": "Spa sex."}, {"start": 715.3, "end": 717.3, "text": "Oh, the spa."}, {"start": 717.3, "end": 718.3, "text": "Warm water."}, {"start": 718.3, "end": 720.1, "text": "Jets in all the right damn places."}, {"start": 720.1, "end": 722.62, "text": "The whole thing's basically got a copilot."}, {"start": 722.62, "end": 724.58, "text": "The spa does have the work."}, {"start": 724.58, "end": 729.14, "text": "I want to personally shake the hand of whoever invented the Jacuzzi jet is the greatest"}, {"start": 729.14, "end": 734.07, "text": "wingman I ever had."}, {"start": 734.07, "end": 735.55, "text": "And then there's the danger tour."}, {"start": 735.55, "end": 740.79, "text": "New filthy degenerates at work in stores in the back of a damn restaurant."}, {"start": 740.79, "end": 744.91, "text": "Nothing gets the blood going like the possibility of getting fired or arrested midstroke."}, {"start": 744.91, "end": 748.19, "text": "I've clocked out early for reasons H.E.R. would not approve of."}, {"start": 748.19, "end": 750.87, "text": "My performance review said distracted."}, {"start": 750.87, "end": 756.0, "text": "They had no idea."}, {"start": 756.0, "end": 761.96, "text": "Cars, the woods, the beach, the roof, the train, motels, massage parlors."}, {"start": 761.96, "end": 765.64, "text": "I have been a one man to file in machine across the whole map."}, {"start": 765.64, "end": 768.12, "text": "I didn't tour California motherfuckers."}, {"start": 768.12, "end": 769.68, "text": "I christened it."}, {"start": 769.68, "end": 773.04, "text": "There's landmarks out there that should have a little plaque."}, {"start": 773.04, "end": 779.07, "text": "Jessi was here, so was somebody else."}, {"start": 779.07, "end": 780.43, "text": "But there's one."}, {"start": 780.43, "end": 782.11, "text": "One white whale I never caught."}, {"start": 782.11, "end": 783.95, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 783.95, "end": 785.51, "text": "No plain sex."}, {"start": 785.51, "end": 787.55, "text": "Never joined the Mile High Club."}, {"start": 787.55, "end": 791.71, "text": "I've done it everywhere on this earth and never once in the sky."}, {"start": 791.71, "end": 796.83, "text": "50 years old and the airplane bathroom is still on my bucket list right next to affordable"}, {"start": 796.83, "end": 800.91, "text": "rent."}, {"start": 800.91, "end": 803.23, "text": "And here's the sad funny truth motherfuckers."}, {"start": 803.23, "end": 809.03, "text": "I christened half the state in my 20s and 30s and now at 50 with this busted back."}, {"start": 809.03, "end": 814.27, "text": "The wildest, most dangerous location I can physically manage is a bed."}, {"start": 814.27, "end": 815.91, "text": "My own bed."}, {"start": 815.91, "end": 820.23, "text": "With a heat and pad and a bottle of ibuprofen on the nightstand, the freak conquered the"}, {"start": 820.23, "end": 823.67, "text": "whole world and got exiled back to one damn room."}, {"start": 823.67, "end": 824.67, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 824.67, "end": 833.63, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 833.63, "end": 835.95, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 835.95, "end": 842.39, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 842.39, "end": 848.87, "text": "new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days"}, {"start": 848.87, "end": 853.39, "text": "a week fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 853.39, "end": 854.39, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 854.39, "end": 855.39, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 855.39, "end": 858.75, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 858.75, "end": 861.07, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 861.07, "end": 866.07, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 866.07, "end": 871.67, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 871.67, "end": 872.67, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 872.67, "end": 873.67, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 873.67, "end": 875.23, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 875.23, "end": 886.81, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 886.81, "end": 891.77, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 891.77, "end": 897.17, "text": "the red line comedy club tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to"}, {"start": 897.17, "end": 902.13, "text": "get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who"}, {"start": 902.13, "end": 904.37, "text": "is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 904.37, "end": 906.33, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 906.33, "end": 907.73, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 907.73, "end": 909.17, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 909.17, "end": 914.08, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 914.08, "end": 916.28, "text": "All right, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 916.28, "end": 918.44, "text": "Tonight Jesse gets honest."}, {"start": 918.44, "end": 924.96, "text": "From 18 years old to damn near 50, I chased one thing harder than money, harder than a dream,"}, {"start": 924.96, "end": 927.08, "text": "harder than my own damn survival."}, {"start": 927.08, "end": 928.88, "text": "And that thing was pussy."}, {"start": 928.88, "end": 933.9, "text": "And I was a natural born hunter."}, {"start": 933.9, "end": 940.1, "text": "See other men, their gold was a house, a car, a business, not me motherfuckers."}, {"start": 940.1, "end": 943.02, "text": "My gold was the screamers and the squirters."}, {"start": 943.02, "end": 944.14, "text": "That was my treasure."}, {"start": 944.14, "end": 947.74, "text": "I was out here like a damn prospector, panning for the loud ones."}, {"start": 947.74, "end": 956.47, "text": "And when I struck it, oh when I found a screamer, I felt richer than any man on Wall Street."}, {"start": 956.47, "end": 959.47, "text": "I fell into the pussy hole, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 959.47, "end": 963.51, "text": "When I lost myself down there for about three decades, while other guys were building"}, {"start": 963.51, "end": 965.83, "text": "empires, I was building a body count."}, {"start": 965.83, "end": 972.55, "text": "My retirement plan was a phone full of numbers and a back that don't work no more."}, {"start": 972.55, "end": 974.07, "text": "And it distracted me."}, {"start": 974.07, "end": 976.47, "text": "It knocked me clean off course motherfuckers."}, {"start": 976.47, "end": 981.67, "text": "I'd have a business, a plan, real money on the table and one screamer would walk by and"}, {"start": 981.67, "end": 984.83, "text": "I'd drop the whole thing like a hot rock."}, {"start": 984.83, "end": 986.59, "text": "That's the real shit might as curse."}, {"start": 986.59, "end": 989.75, "text": "I'd find actual gold and trade it for a Tuesday night."}, {"start": 992.13, "end": 992.81, "text": "I loved it."}, {"start": 992.81, "end": 993.97, "text": "I still love it."}, {"start": 993.97, "end": 994.97, "text": "Let's be clear."}, {"start": 994.97, "end": 995.97, "text": "I ain't dead."}, {"start": 995.97, "end": 996.97, "text": "I'm just retired."}, {"start": 996.97, "end": 999.21, "text": "But for 30 years, I was a slave to it."}, {"start": 999.21, "end": 1003.93, "text": "I'd read a woman's color, put on the glasses, unlock her in an hour, and lose two weeks of"}, {"start": 1003.93, "end": 1005.61, "text": "my life in the process."}, {"start": 1005.61, "end": 1008.85, "text": "I was getting laid and going broke at the exact same time."}, {"start": 1008.85, "end": 1014.82, "text": "Ain't nobody ever combined those two skills like me."}, {"start": 1014.82, "end": 1017.9, "text": "And here's what pisses me off, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1017.9, "end": 1022.86, "text": "Now every podcast bro with a microphone and a hoodie thinks he invented the game."}, {"start": 1022.86, "end": 1027.62, "text": "Even about alpha this and high value that motherfucker, I got a PhD in this."}, {"start": 1027.62, "end": 1028.94, "text": "I did the field work."}, {"start": 1028.94, "end": 1029.94, "text": "You read a book."}, {"start": 1029.94, "end": 1034.5, "text": "I lived the whole damn library covered a cover and I got the bad back and the empty bank"}, {"start": 1034.5, "end": 1039.06, "text": "account to prove it."}, {"start": 1039.06, "end": 1041.14, "text": "These clowns are out here theorizing."}, {"start": 1041.14, "end": 1043.74, "text": "I got stories, real ones."}, {"start": 1043.74, "end": 1047.34, "text": "The kind that don't make it on a podcast because the sponsor would pull out faster than"}, {"start": 1047.34, "end": 1048.62, "text": "I should have."}, {"start": 1048.62, "end": 1050.1, "text": "You guys don't know shit."}, {"start": 1050.1, "end": 1051.5, "text": "You just talk about it."}, {"start": 1051.5, "end": 1055.46, "text": "I got lost in it so deep I had to build a map to find my way back."}, {"start": 1058.79, "end": 1060.63, "text": "Because here's the turn, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1060.63, "end": 1063.95, "text": "At 50 broke, three dogs, busted body."}, {"start": 1063.95, "end": 1066.79, "text": "I finally hung up the jersey, retired."}, {"start": 1066.79, "end": 1068.55, "text": "Not because I stopped loving the pussy."}, {"start": 1068.55, "end": 1071.27, "text": "I'll love the pussy till they put me in the ground."}, {"start": 1071.27, "end": 1075.43, "text": "But because I finally figured out the one thing worth more than a screamer, writing it all"}, {"start": 1075.43, "end": 1082.43, "text": "down so you don't have to lose 30 years, finding out what I already know."}, {"start": 1082.43, "end": 1083.95, "text": "That's my whole damn purpose now."}, {"start": 1083.95, "end": 1085.47, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1085.47, "end": 1089.79, "text": "I spent three decades lost in the pussy so you don't have to be."}, {"start": 1089.79, "end": 1092.55, "text": "I turned my obsession into an education."}, {"start": 1092.55, "end": 1096.23, "text": "The screamers and the squirters, they were my gold."}, {"start": 1096.23, "end": 1102.03, "text": "But the stories, the stories are the real fortune and this time, this time nobody can steal"}, {"start": 1102.03, "end": 1103.19, "text": "them from me."}, {"start": 1103.19, "end": 1104.19, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1104.19, "end": 1113.2, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1113.2, "end": 1115.52, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 1115.52, "end": 1121.96, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 1121.96, "end": 1123.68, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 1123.68, "end": 1129.36, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 1129.36, "end": 1132.92, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1132.92, "end": 1135.0, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 1135.0, "end": 1138.32, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 1138.32, "end": 1140.64, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1140.64, "end": 1144.36, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 1144.36, "end": 1149.6, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 1149.6, "end": 1152.24, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 1152.24, "end": 1154.76, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 1154.76, "end": 1166.3, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 1166.3, "end": 1171.38, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 1171.38, "end": 1173.38, "text": "red line comedy club."}, {"start": 1173.38, "end": 1178.76, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of"}, {"start": 1178.76, "end": 1183.88, "text": "comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 1183.88, "end": 1185.88, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1185.88, "end": 1187.28, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 1187.28, "end": 1188.72, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 1188.72, "end": 1193.52, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 1193.52, "end": 1195.56, "text": "All right, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1195.56, "end": 1197.6, "text": "Jesse's got a warning for you tonight."}, {"start": 1197.6, "end": 1200.24, "text": "The most dangerous color of all four."}, {"start": 1200.24, "end": 1204.08, "text": "The one that's been taken down powerful men since the beginning of time."}, {"start": 1204.08, "end": 1205.08, "text": "The blue."}, {"start": 1205.08, "end": 1213.0, "text": "And I need every one of you to listen because this knowledge could save your whole damn life."}, {"start": 1213.0, "end": 1215.56, "text": "See, the blue is the chameleon."}, {"start": 1215.56, "end": 1217.04, "text": "Man or woman don't matter."}, {"start": 1217.04, "end": 1222.48, "text": "They read you, they become exactly what you need and they get all the way inside."}, {"start": 1222.48, "end": 1224.8, "text": "And that's beautiful when they love you."}, {"start": 1224.8, "end": 1229.68, "text": "But cross a blue or neglect a blue and you just made the most dangerous enemy walk in the"}, {"start": 1229.68, "end": 1233.36, "text": "earth."}, {"start": 1233.36, "end": 1235.88, "text": "Every old story about a man losing everything."}, {"start": 1235.88, "end": 1240.2, "text": "The king who lost his crown, the strong man who lost his strength, the rich bastard who"}, {"start": 1240.2, "end": 1243.68, "text": "lost half his kingdom, go check the tape mother fuckers."}, {"start": 1243.68, "end": 1245.72, "text": "There's a blue in every single one of them."}, {"start": 1245.72, "end": 1247.16, "text": "They don't rob you with a gun."}, {"start": 1247.16, "end": 1253.6, "text": "They rob you with a smile and you help them carry it out the door."}, {"start": 1253.6, "end": 1257.04, "text": "A mad blue is a force of nature you filthy animals."}, {"start": 1257.04, "end": 1261.52, "text": "They know your passwords, your secrets, your soft spots because you told them you idiot"}, {"start": 1261.52, "end": 1266.12, "text": "back when they were being sweet and when they turned, they don't just leave."}, {"start": 1266.12, "end": 1270.76, "text": "They take the house, the car, the dog and your damn dignity and they smile the whole"}, {"start": 1270.76, "end": 1273.79, "text": "time."}, {"start": 1273.79, "end": 1277.91, "text": "I've seen the richest men in the world get taken to the cleaners by a blue and I've"}, {"start": 1277.91, "end": 1281.19, "text": "seen broke bastards lose the little they had."}, {"start": 1281.19, "end": 1283.15, "text": "Rich or poor, it don't matter."}, {"start": 1283.15, "end": 1286.35, "text": "The blue is an equal opportunity destroyer."}, {"start": 1286.35, "end": 1288.27, "text": "Money don't protect you."}, {"start": 1288.27, "end": 1294.5, "text": "Nothing protects you but knowing what you're dealing with."}, {"start": 1294.5, "end": 1297.66, "text": "But here's the secret mother fuckers, the flip side."}, {"start": 1297.66, "end": 1302.54, "text": "Because a blue you take care of, a blue you listen to, spend the time on, give what they"}, {"start": 1302.54, "end": 1304.22, "text": "actually want."}, {"start": 1304.22, "end": 1309.66, "text": "That same person becomes the most loyal ride or die ride through hell partner you will"}, {"start": 1309.66, "end": 1311.42, "text": "ever have in your life."}, {"start": 1311.42, "end": 1313.3, "text": "The blue is a loaded gun."}, {"start": 1313.3, "end": 1318.64, "text": "It's all about which way it's pointing."}, {"start": 1318.64, "end": 1320.52, "text": "So you got two choices with a blue."}, {"start": 1320.52, "end": 1324.0, "text": "You beautiful bastards pour into them or run from them."}, {"start": 1324.0, "end": 1325.64, "text": "There is no lazy middle."}, {"start": 1325.64, "end": 1330.36, "text": "You cannot half-ass a blue, half-ass a blue and you'll be telling your story to a divorce"}, {"start": 1330.36, "end": 1337.08, "text": "lawyer, a bartender and eventually a comedian like me."}, {"start": 1337.08, "end": 1339.28, "text": "That's the whole game you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1339.28, "end": 1343.28, "text": "The blue will give you heaven or take everything you got and the only difference is whether"}, {"start": 1343.28, "end": 1345.76, "text": "you saw him coming and treated him right."}, {"start": 1345.76, "end": 1350.24, "text": "Read the colors, put on the glasses and when you see a blue you either love him all the"}, {"start": 1350.24, "end": 1352.76, "text": "way or you get the fuck out the way."}, {"start": 1352.76, "end": 1353.76, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1353.76, "end": 1362.4, "text": "Good night you filthy mother fuckers."}, {"start": 1362.4, "end": 1364.76, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 1364.76, "end": 1370.56, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 1370.56, "end": 1377.08, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours"}, {"start": 1377.08, "end": 1378.56, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 1378.56, "end": 1382.16, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1382.16, "end": 1384.24, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 1384.24, "end": 1387.52, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 1387.52, "end": 1389.88, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1389.88, "end": 1393.6, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 1393.6, "end": 1398.84, "text": "Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 1398.84, "end": 1401.44, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 1401.44, "end": 1402.44, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 1402.44, "end": 1404.0, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 1404.0, "end": 1415.55, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 1415.55, "end": 1420.55, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 1420.55, "end": 1422.67, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 1422.67, "end": 1427.75, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line"}, {"start": 1427.75, "end": 1432.11, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 1432.11, "end": 1433.11, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 1433.11, "end": 1435.11, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1435.11, "end": 1436.51, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 1436.51, "end": 1437.95, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 1437.95, "end": 1442.75, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 1442.75, "end": 1444.67, "text": "All right you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1444.67, "end": 1447.67, "text": "I told you the blue was the most dangerous color."}, {"start": 1447.67, "end": 1451.59, "text": "Now let me tell you why they're the scary stories because here's the truth that's going"}, {"start": 1451.59, "end": 1453.83, "text": "to hit every damn person in this room."}, {"start": 1453.83, "end": 1458.23, "text": "You are either married to a blue or your mom or your dad is one."}, {"start": 1458.23, "end": 1459.79, "text": "There's no escaping it."}, {"start": 1459.79, "end": 1467.28, "text": "Mine, my mom, a full blown shoe throwing category five blue."}, {"start": 1467.28, "end": 1471.48, "text": "See a blue feels everything at 200% motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1471.48, "end": 1473.2, "text": "They don't have a dimmer switch."}, {"start": 1473.2, "end": 1476.04, "text": "It's all the way off or all the way on."}, {"start": 1476.04, "end": 1480.92, "text": "And that intensity is beautiful when they love you, but you take that same all the way"}, {"start": 1480.92, "end": 1489.32, "text": "on blue and you add a vice and now you got yourself a horror movie because a blue does"}, {"start": 1489.32, "end": 1490.32, "text": "nothing halfway."}, {"start": 1490.32, "end": 1491.32, "text": "You filthy animals."}, {"start": 1491.32, "end": 1492.88, "text": "A blue don't have a drink."}, {"start": 1492.88, "end": 1494.8, "text": "A blue drinks like it owes a money."}, {"start": 1494.8, "end": 1496.56, "text": "A blue don't gamble a little."}, {"start": 1496.56, "end": 1498.8, "text": "A blue puts the deed to the house on black."}, {"start": 1498.8, "end": 1500.08, "text": "A blue doesn't snack."}, {"start": 1500.08, "end": 1503.92, "text": "A blue eats their entire childhood trauma one buffet at a time."}, {"start": 1503.92, "end": 1509.32, "text": "Whatever they grab, they grab all of it."}, {"start": 1509.32, "end": 1513.92, "text": "My blue mother could turn a disagreement about dinner into a hostage situation."}, {"start": 1513.92, "end": 1516.84, "text": "Zero to a hundred over the wrong casserole."}, {"start": 1516.84, "end": 1520.28, "text": "I grew up thinking flying footwear was just weather."}, {"start": 1520.28, "end": 1522.0, "text": "That's a blue on a bad day."}, {"start": 1522.0, "end": 1523.0, "text": "Motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1523.0, "end": 1527.12, "text": "A beautiful loving woman who could also end you with a house slipper at 40 miles an"}, {"start": 1527.12, "end": 1530.1, "text": "hour."}, {"start": 1530.1, "end": 1533.3, "text": "You go check the tape on every crazy story you ever heard."}, {"start": 1533.3, "end": 1534.94, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1534.94, "end": 1538.02, "text": "The one who lost the whole house at the casino in one night."}, {"start": 1538.02, "end": 1539.02, "text": "Blue."}, {"start": 1539.02, "end": 1541.14, "text": "The one who drank the family into the ground."}, {"start": 1541.14, "end": 1542.14, "text": "Blue."}, {"start": 1542.14, "end": 1544.78, "text": "The one who ate themselves into a coma feeding a feeling."}, {"start": 1544.78, "end": 1545.78, "text": "Blue."}, {"start": 1545.78, "end": 1546.78, "text": "It's always a damn blue."}, {"start": 1546.78, "end": 1554.75, "text": "They're the main character in every horror movie or family whispers about it funerals."}, {"start": 1554.75, "end": 1559.23, "text": "Because the exact same superpower that makes a blue read you become your perfect match"}, {"start": 1559.23, "end": 1561.87, "text": "and love you harder than anybody alive."}, {"start": 1561.87, "end": 1567.03, "text": "That all in no breaks intensity is the same engine that drives them straight into a bottle,"}, {"start": 1567.03, "end": 1570.35, "text": "a slot machine, or a drive-through at three in the morning."}, {"start": 1570.35, "end": 1573.47, "text": "The gift and the curse run on the same fuel."}, {"start": 1573.47, "end": 1580.08, "text": "A blue is a Ferrari with no brakes, mother fuckers."}, {"start": 1580.08, "end": 1581.08, "text": "Pointed at love."}, {"start": 1581.08, "end": 1582.56, "text": "It's the ride of your life."}, {"start": 1582.56, "end": 1583.56, "text": "Pointed at a vice."}, {"start": 1583.56, "end": 1586.36, "text": "It's a Stephen King novel with your last name on the cover."}, {"start": 1586.36, "end": 1587.36, "text": "Same car."}, {"start": 1587.36, "end": 1589.36, "text": "Just depends which way they aimed it."}, {"start": 1590.36, "end": 1593.4, "text": "So here's your survival guide."}, {"start": 1593.4, "end": 1595.04, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1595.04, "end": 1599.6, "text": "If you love a blue, keep them the hell away from the casino, the bar, and the all you can"}, {"start": 1599.6, "end": 1603.76, "text": "eat, and love them all the way every day on purpose."}, {"start": 1603.76, "end": 1608.52, "text": "Because a blue with a healthy obsession is heaven on earth and a blue with an addiction."}, {"start": 1608.52, "end": 1614.64, "text": "That's the story your grandkids are going to be scared to tell."}, {"start": 1614.64, "end": 1619.0, "text": "That's the blue mother fuckers, the most loving, most dangerous, most all in soul walk"}, {"start": 1619.0, "end": 1620.32, "text": "in the planet."}, {"start": 1620.32, "end": 1625.48, "text": "Take the colors, put on the glasses, and when you find your blue, hide the car keys in"}, {"start": 1625.48, "end": 1627.76, "text": "the credit cards and hold on tight."}, {"start": 1627.76, "end": 1628.76, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1628.76, "end": 1637.28, "text": "Good night, you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 1637.28, "end": 1639.6, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 1639.6, "end": 1646.04, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 1646.04, "end": 1647.8, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 1647.8, "end": 1653.44, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 1653.44, "end": 1657.04, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1657.04, "end": 1659.12, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 1659.12, "end": 1662.4, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 1662.4, "end": 1664.72, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1664.72, "end": 1668.48, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 1668.48, "end": 1673.72, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 1673.72, "end": 1676.36, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 1676.36, "end": 1678.84, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 1678.84, "end": 1690.43, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 1690.43, "end": 1695.31, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome"}, {"start": 1695.31, "end": 1697.51, "text": "to the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 1697.51, "end": 1702.71, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 1702.71, "end": 1706.99, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 1706.99, "end": 1707.99, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 1707.99, "end": 1709.99, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1709.99, "end": 1711.35, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 1711.35, "end": 1712.79, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 1712.79, "end": 1717.66, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 1717.66, "end": 1719.38, "text": "All right you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1719.38, "end": 1720.38, "text": "I warned you."}, {"start": 1720.38, "end": 1722.26, "text": "The blue was the most dangerous color."}, {"start": 1722.26, "end": 1724.5, "text": "Now let me show you their deadliest weapon."}, {"start": 1724.5, "end": 1725.62, "text": "It ain't a knife."}, {"start": 1725.62, "end": 1726.86, "text": "It ain't a lie."}, {"start": 1726.86, "end": 1727.86, "text": "It's sex."}, {"start": 1727.86, "end": 1730.34, "text": "The blue uses sex to catch you and trap you."}, {"start": 1730.34, "end": 1734.58, "text": "A straight up booby trap mother fuckers and I mean that with every letter."}, {"start": 1734.58, "end": 1740.0, "text": "See, a blue don't sleep with you for fun."}, {"start": 1740.0, "end": 1741.0, "text": "You fill the animals."}, {"start": 1741.0, "end": 1743.24, "text": "A blue sleeps with you for control."}, {"start": 1743.24, "end": 1746.96, "text": "Because once you're hooked on that blue sex, the kind where they read exactly what you've"}, {"start": 1746.96, "end": 1751.72, "text": "been missing your whole damn life and become it in the bedroom, your brain shuts off."}, {"start": 1751.72, "end": 1752.72, "text": "You'll sign anything."}, {"start": 1752.72, "end": 1753.96, "text": "You'll agree to anything."}, {"start": 1753.96, "end": 1759.76, "text": "You are no longer operating heavy machinery."}, {"start": 1759.76, "end": 1761.52, "text": "That's the trap mother fuckers."}, {"start": 1761.52, "end": 1763.56, "text": "They give you the best night of your life."}, {"start": 1763.56, "end": 1765.72, "text": "They become your exact fantasy overnight."}, {"start": 1765.72, "end": 1770.88, "text": "They get you addicted and then snap the trap closes."}, {"start": 1770.88, "end": 1772.12, "text": "And suddenly you're paying rent."}, {"start": 1772.12, "end": 1773.44, "text": "You didn't agree to."}, {"start": 1773.44, "end": 1775.4, "text": "Looking at rings you didn't pick."}, {"start": 1775.4, "end": 1779.66, "text": "Wondering where the hell your whole life went."}, {"start": 1779.66, "end": 1781.54, "text": "And it's the oldest trick there is."}, {"start": 1781.54, "end": 1783.98, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1783.98, "end": 1786.86, "text": "Every powerful man who lost everything."}, {"start": 1786.86, "end": 1788.1, "text": "No check it."}, {"start": 1788.1, "end": 1790.18, "text": "They didn't get took down by an army."}, {"start": 1790.18, "end": 1792.14, "text": "They got took down by a bed."}, {"start": 1792.14, "end": 1795.7, "text": "The ones who brought down kings never needed a sword."}, {"start": 1795.7, "end": 1796.7, "text": "Same play."}, {"start": 1796.7, "end": 1797.7, "text": "New century."}, {"start": 1797.7, "end": 1801.74, "text": "Better lingerie."}, {"start": 1801.74, "end": 1803.14, "text": "And here's the scary part."}, {"start": 1803.14, "end": 1805.82, "text": "The blue knows exactly what they're doing."}, {"start": 1805.82, "end": 1808.3, "text": "They got the equipment and the game plan."}, {"start": 1808.3, "end": 1812.5, "text": "It's the only trap in the world that makes you say thank you while it's snapping shut on"}, {"start": 1812.5, "end": 1817.16, "text": "your damn leg."}, {"start": 1817.16, "end": 1818.84, "text": "Go fellas, here's your warning."}, {"start": 1818.84, "end": 1823.52, "text": "When the sex is too good, too fast, and she turns into your perfect dream girl practically"}, {"start": 1823.52, "end": 1826.76, "text": "overnight, that ain't your lucky day mother fuckers."}, {"start": 1826.76, "end": 1829.28, "text": "That's a booby trap with a smile and a plan."}, {"start": 1829.28, "end": 1836.32, "text": "Pump the brakes and check your surroundings before your dumb ass steps in it."}, {"start": 1836.32, "end": 1838.08, "text": "And ladies, don't get comfortable."}, {"start": 1838.08, "end": 1840.0, "text": "A man can be a blue too."}, {"start": 1840.0, "end": 1844.56, "text": "The smooth talking shapeshifter who reads you in three seconds becomes your exact fantasy"}, {"start": 1844.56, "end": 1846.52, "text": "and traps you the same damn way."}, {"start": 1846.52, "end": 1847.96, "text": "This trap don't discriminate."}, {"start": 1847.96, "end": 1855.79, "text": "It comes in every gender and it always comes with great sex and terrible timing."}, {"start": 1855.79, "end": 1856.95, "text": "And here's a free tip."}, {"start": 1856.95, "end": 1858.39, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1858.39, "end": 1860.47, "text": "You want to spot a blue on site?"}, {"start": 1860.47, "end": 1861.99, "text": "Weaponized good looks."}, {"start": 1861.99, "end": 1867.23, "text": "Big old tits, a face that stops traffic and they know it and they use it like a tool."}, {"start": 1867.23, "end": 1870.87, "text": "Nine times out of ten, that's a blue with the safety off."}, {"start": 1870.87, "end": 1878.84, "text": "The beauty is the bait mother fuckers and the bait is always freshest on a blue."}, {"start": 1878.84, "end": 1880.4, "text": "And you know what they're hunting with it?"}, {"start": 1880.4, "end": 1882.64, "text": "The rich guy or the rich woman?"}, {"start": 1882.64, "end": 1885.48, "text": "The blue booby trap ain't out here looking for love."}, {"start": 1885.48, "end": 1887.32, "text": "It's looking for a provider."}, {"start": 1887.32, "end": 1892.68, "text": "They scan a room for the Rolex, the car keys and the fat wallet and they aim the whole"}, {"start": 1892.68, "end": 1897.36, "text": "damn operation right at it."}, {"start": 1897.36, "end": 1901.92, "text": "Which brings me to the one blessing of being broke as hell you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1901.92, "end": 1904.44, "text": "Nobody's ever gonna waste a good booby trap on me."}, {"start": 1904.44, "end": 1906.48, "text": "I'm the safest man in America."}, {"start": 1906.48, "end": 1911.44, "text": "A blue takes one look at a 50 year old who pulls up to the food bank in a paid off Tesla"}, {"start": 1911.44, "end": 1914.48, "text": "and goes nah, not worth the ammo."}, {"start": 1914.48, "end": 1921.17, "text": "Being broke is the best trap proof and money can't buy."}, {"start": 1921.17, "end": 1924.37, "text": "So watch for the booby trap you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1924.37, "end": 1928.25, "text": "Best sex of your life from somebody who became flawless overnight."}, {"start": 1928.25, "end": 1929.57, "text": "That's beautiful."}, {"start": 1929.57, "end": 1931.61, "text": "And it's dangerous as hell."}, {"start": 1931.61, "end": 1935.85, "text": "Read the color before you get caught in it because by the time it snaps shut you already"}, {"start": 1935.85, "end": 1937.17, "text": "said I do."}, {"start": 1937.17, "end": 1947.09, "text": "The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1947.09, "end": 1949.41, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 1949.41, "end": 1955.97, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 1955.97, "end": 1957.61, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 1957.61, "end": 1963.21, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 1963.21, "end": 1966.81, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1966.81, "end": 1968.93, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 1968.93, "end": 1972.21, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 1972.21, "end": 1974.57, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1974.57, "end": 1979.53, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 1979.53, "end": 1985.41, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 1985.41, "end": 1986.41, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 1986.41, "end": 1988.69, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 1988.69, "end": 2000.2, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 2000.2, "end": 2005.24, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 2005.24, "end": 2007.32, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 2007.32, "end": 2012.44, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line"}, {"start": 2012.44, "end": 2016.76, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 2016.76, "end": 2017.76, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 2017.76, "end": 2019.76, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2019.76, "end": 2021.16, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 2021.16, "end": 2022.6, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 2022.6, "end": 2027.4, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 2027.4, "end": 2029.0, "text": "All right you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 2029.0, "end": 2031.32, "text": "I warned you about the blue booby trap."}, {"start": 2031.32, "end": 2035.2, "text": "Now Jesse's going to teach you how a broke man survives it."}, {"start": 2035.2, "end": 2039.72, "text": "Because I figured out the counter move motherfuckers and it saved my dumbass more times than"}, {"start": 2039.72, "end": 2044.06, "text": "I can count."}, {"start": 2044.06, "end": 2047.98, "text": "See before a blue could ever trap me, I'd disarm the trap."}, {"start": 2047.98, "end": 2053.3, "text": "First thing out of my mouth before hello, before her name, I'd say, look, I got no money."}, {"start": 2053.3, "end": 2056.1, "text": "And if you get pregnant, I cannot and will not do it."}, {"start": 2056.1, "end": 2065.08, "text": "I led with my absolute worst qualities like a damn warning label on a pack of cigarettes."}, {"start": 2065.08, "end": 2066.08, "text": "And you know what happened?"}, {"start": 2066.08, "end": 2067.48, "text": "You filthy animals."}, {"start": 2067.48, "end": 2068.92, "text": "The gold diggers ran."}, {"start": 2068.92, "end": 2073.24, "text": "The booby traps folded up and rolled out the door looking for a Rolex."}, {"start": 2073.24, "end": 2078.36, "text": "But the ones who stayed after hearing broken no babies, those were the real ones."}, {"start": 2078.36, "end": 2080.28, "text": "Better for the fun, not the funds."}, {"start": 2080.28, "end": 2081.48, "text": "Best filter ever invented."}, {"start": 2081.48, "end": 2086.88, "text": "I scared off every trap and kept every good time."}, {"start": 2086.88, "end": 2088.96, "text": "But here's the thing motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2088.96, "end": 2092.12, "text": "Even with all that, sometimes a tornado still gets through."}, {"start": 2092.12, "end": 2094.68, "text": "A crazy blue slips past the screening."}, {"start": 2094.68, "end": 2098.2, "text": "And when that girl hits, it is the worst day of your entire life."}, {"start": 2098.2, "end": 2102.68, "text": "And I got war stories, barely making it out alive just to be standing here telling you about"}, {"start": 2102.68, "end": 2105.88, "text": "it."}, {"start": 2105.88, "end": 2110.64, "text": "You want to know the most painful part of every single tornado story?"}, {"start": 2110.64, "end": 2116.32, "text": "When it finally blows up, when it all goes to hell, everybody around you goes, oh yeah,"}, {"start": 2116.32, "end": 2118.36, "text": "we all knew she was crazy."}, {"start": 2118.36, "end": 2124.32, "text": "Everyone knew you beautiful bastards, your friends knew, your mom knew, the damn mailman"}, {"start": 2124.32, "end": 2125.32, "text": "knew."}, {"start": 2125.32, "end": 2132.52, "text": "You were the last person on earth to find out you were dating a natural disaster."}, {"start": 2132.52, "end": 2136.92, "text": "You're standing in the wreckage of your whole life going, why didn't anybody tell me?"}, {"start": 2136.92, "end": 2138.44, "text": "And they go, bro?"}, {"start": 2138.44, "end": 2139.6, "text": "We did."}, {"start": 2139.6, "end": 2140.76, "text": "You weren't listening."}, {"start": 2140.76, "end": 2142.64, "text": "You had the glasses off."}, {"start": 2142.64, "end": 2143.76, "text": "That's the curse."}, {"start": 2143.76, "end": 2151.53, "text": "The one man who can't see the tornado is the one standing in the middle of it."}, {"start": 2151.53, "end": 2153.77, "text": "And that you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 2153.77, "end": 2158.65, "text": "That right there is exactly why I wrote this comedy and these damn books."}, {"start": 2158.65, "end": 2163.29, "text": "So you can be the one who sees it coming before the tornado touches down instead of the"}, {"start": 2163.29, "end": 2168.01, "text": "dumb bastard finding out at the divorce at the custody hearing or in the back of a cop"}, {"start": 2168.01, "end": 2171.52, "text": "car."}, {"start": 2171.52, "end": 2175.08, "text": "So take it from a man who survived every storm to tell the tale."}, {"start": 2175.08, "end": 2178.12, "text": "Lead with your worst, so only the real ones stay."}, {"start": 2178.12, "end": 2180.84, "text": "Read the color so you see the tornado on the radar."}, {"start": 2180.84, "end": 2185.52, "text": "And when everybody in your life is telling you she's crazy for once in your damn life,"}, {"start": 2185.52, "end": 2189.0, "text": "listen, that's the whole book, motherfuckers, the hammer."}, {"start": 2189.0, "end": 2197.61, "text": "Good night, you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 2197.61, "end": 2199.93, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 2199.93, "end": 2205.77, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 2205.77, "end": 2212.53, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 2212.53, "end": 2213.77, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 2213.77, "end": 2217.37, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 2217.37, "end": 2218.37, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 2218.37, "end": 2219.37, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 2219.37, "end": 2222.73, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 2222.73, "end": 2225.09, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 2225.09, "end": 2230.05, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 2230.05, "end": 2235.65, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 2235.65, "end": 2236.65, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 2236.65, "end": 2239.21, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 2239.21, "end": 2250.79, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 2250.79, "end": 2255.75, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 2255.75, "end": 2257.87, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 2257.87, "end": 2262.99, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a line"}, {"start": 2262.99, "end": 2267.27, "text": "up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 2267.27, "end": 2268.27, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 2268.27, "end": 2270.35, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2270.35, "end": 2271.71, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 2271.71, "end": 2273.15, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 2273.15, "end": 2277.95, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 2277.95, "end": 2279.75, "text": "I'll write you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 2279.75, "end": 2283.75, "text": "Tonight Jesse learns a hard lesson about getting exactly what you wished for."}, {"start": 2283.75, "end": 2289.95, "text": "See, I spent 30 years hunting the screamers, the loud ones, the wild ones, the crazy blue"}, {"start": 2289.95, "end": 2290.95, "text": "freaks."}, {"start": 2290.95, "end": 2295.39, "text": "That was my gold mother fuckers, my whole treasure, and then I finally caught one."}, {"start": 2295.39, "end": 2300.31, "text": "And she almost killed me."}, {"start": 2300.31, "end": 2304.83, "text": "Because here's what nobody warns you about, you filthy animals, a screamer, a wild-ass"}, {"start": 2304.83, "end": 2306.03, "text": "blue in bed."}, {"start": 2306.03, "end": 2311.35, "text": "For the first five minutes, it is the single greatest experience of your entire life."}, {"start": 2311.35, "end": 2312.75, "text": "You feel like a legend."}, {"start": 2312.75, "end": 2318.32, "text": "You feel like they should build a statue."}, {"start": 2318.32, "end": 2322.16, "text": "But then it keeps going and going."}, {"start": 2322.16, "end": 2326.56, "text": "And you realize, oh no, there's no off switch."}, {"start": 2326.56, "end": 2332.88, "text": "This is all the time, mother fuckers, every single time, full throttle, maximum volume,"}, {"start": 2332.88, "end": 2339.82, "text": "no chill, no pause at three o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday."}, {"start": 2339.82, "end": 2342.14, "text": "And I'm 50, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 2342.14, "end": 2344.74, "text": "My body files a complaint if I sneeze wrong."}, {"start": 2344.74, "end": 2347.9, "text": "I cannot do the rocky montage every night."}, {"start": 2347.9, "end": 2353.62, "text": "Sometimes a grown man just wants to participate quietly, say thank you, and go to sleep."}, {"start": 2353.62, "end": 2355.62, "text": "But a blue does not have a low setting."}, {"start": 2355.62, "end": 2361.6, "text": "It's 100% or she thinks you don't love her."}, {"start": 2361.6, "end": 2364.08, "text": "And it ain't just the screamers' mother fuckers."}, {"start": 2364.08, "end": 2368.24, "text": "Let's talk about the squirters, the other half of my gold, in the moment?"}, {"start": 2368.24, "end": 2369.8, "text": "Incredible, impressive."}, {"start": 2369.8, "end": 2374.24, "text": "You feel like you unlocked a secret achievement like the game gave you a trophy."}, {"start": 2374.24, "end": 2382.83, "text": "But then you gotta look at your bed and your bed looks like a crime scene at a water park."}, {"start": 2382.83, "end": 2387.83, "text": "Every single time you fill the animals, sheets soaked through, mattress done, and now you're"}, {"start": 2387.83, "end": 2391.79, "text": "doing laundry at two in the morning like a damn overnight janitor."}, {"start": 2391.79, "end": 2393.67, "text": "Fun once, a miracle."}, {"start": 2393.67, "end": 2397.91, "text": "Every night I had to buy the plastic sheets they put on toddler beds."}, {"start": 2397.91, "end": 2402.65, "text": "I got a grown man's sex life protected by the same technology as a potty train in four"}, {"start": 2402.65, "end": 2403.65, "text": "year old."}, {"start": 2403.65, "end": 2405.43, "text": "That's the squirter tax."}, {"start": 2405.43, "end": 2410.22, "text": "You get the show, but you sleep in a swamp."}, {"start": 2410.22, "end": 2414.94, "text": "I chased the wild ones my whole damn life, and I finally caught one, and the wild one had"}, {"start": 2414.94, "end": 2418.74, "text": "me heightened in my own bathroom, texting my friends, send help."}, {"start": 2418.74, "end": 2419.74, "text": "She's got energy."}, {"start": 2419.74, "end": 2426.7, "text": "I wished for a firework mother fuckers, and the universe gave me a war."}, {"start": 2426.7, "end": 2428.7, "text": "I used to brag about the screamers."}, {"start": 2428.7, "end": 2431.34, "text": "Now I'm like a man who won a tiger in a raffle."}, {"start": 2431.34, "end": 2436.7, "text": "Oh yeah, she's incredible, and I sleep with one eye open my back's destroyed, and I haven't"}, {"start": 2436.7, "end": 2439.26, "text": "had a full night's rest since the spring."}, {"start": 2439.26, "end": 2446.67, "text": "Be careful what you hunt, you filthy degenerates, you might catch it."}, {"start": 2446.67, "end": 2449.83, "text": "And here's the truth that snuck up on me, mother fuckers."}, {"start": 2449.83, "end": 2455.13, "text": "Turns out the thing I chased my whole life, the loud, the wild, the all the time, was"}, {"start": 2455.13, "end": 2458.35, "text": "exhausted the second I actually got it."}, {"start": 2458.35, "end": 2463.69, "text": "Maybe I never really wanted a screamer at all."}, {"start": 2463.69, "end": 2468.17, "text": "Maybe after 50 years of noise and chaos and christenin' the whole state, maybe all this"}, {"start": 2468.17, "end": 2472.53, "text": "tired old freak really wanted was somebody to be quiet with."}, {"start": 2472.53, "end": 2476.53, "text": "Somebody to just lay there in the dark and say nothing, I spent my whole life hunting"}, {"start": 2476.53, "end": 2482.33, "text": "fireworks, you filthy bastards, and it turns out all I ever needed was one calm damn night,"}, {"start": 2482.33, "end": 2483.33, "text": "the hammer."}, {"start": 2483.33, "end": 2491.62, "text": "Good night, you filthy mother fuckers."}, {"start": 2491.62, "end": 2493.98, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 2493.98, "end": 2500.42, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 2500.42, "end": 2506.66, "text": "new comic steps up, and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven"}, {"start": 2506.66, "end": 2511.38, "text": "days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 2511.38, "end": 2513.46, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 2513.46, "end": 2516.78, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 2516.78, "end": 2521.78, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 2521.78, "end": 2527.14, "text": "laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere"}, {"start": 2527.14, "end": 2530.7, "text": "out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 2530.7, "end": 2533.22, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 2533.22, "end": 2544.77, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 2544.77, "end": 2549.77, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to"}, {"start": 2549.77, "end": 2551.89, "text": "the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 2551.89, "end": 2557.09, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 2557.09, "end": 2561.33, "text": "of comedians who are technically softwares and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 2561.33, "end": 2562.33, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 2562.33, "end": 2564.33, "text": "This is kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2564.33, "end": 2567.17, "text": "Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him."}, {"start": 2567.17, "end": 2568.17, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 2568.17, "end": 2573.61, "text": "All right, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 2573.61, "end": 2577.45, "text": "Now that you know the colors in bed, let Jesse tell you which one is trying to lock you"}, {"start": 2577.45, "end": 2581.41, "text": "down because every color comes a commitment different and some of them will have you"}, {"start": 2581.41, "end": 2587.11, "text": "married before you even sober up."}, {"start": 2587.11, "end": 2590.19, "text": "Let's start with the yellow, the hugger."}, {"start": 2590.19, "end": 2594.99, "text": "The yellow loves you, motherfuckers and the yellow does not want to leave."}, {"start": 2594.99, "end": 2596.35, "text": "Ever."}, {"start": 2596.35, "end": 2599.67, "text": "A yellow is picking out baby names on the second date."}, {"start": 2599.67, "end": 2605.75, "text": "They want the wedding, the kids, the little house, the golden retriever and they want it"}, {"start": 2605.75, "end": 2607.43, "text": "right now."}, {"start": 2607.43, "end": 2613.27, "text": "Sweetest soul on earth, but a yellow emotionally moves in before you've even had a third real"}, {"start": 2613.27, "end": 2615.15, "text": "conversation."}, {"start": 2615.15, "end": 2623.92, "text": "You go on one nice date and suddenly your phone says, good morning my future husband."}, {"start": 2623.92, "end": 2629.2, "text": "Then the blue, you already know, the blue don't ask you to commit, you filthy animals,"}, {"start": 2629.2, "end": 2634.24, "text": "the blue engineers it, the booby trap, the oops, the whole operation."}, {"start": 2634.24, "end": 2640.52, "text": "A blue's got you married in a plan you didn't even know you agreed to."}, {"start": 2640.52, "end": 2645.68, "text": "Then there's the red, that's me motherfuckers and the red, the red runs, a red will give"}, {"start": 2645.68, "end": 2648.12, "text": "you everything on this earth except staying."}, {"start": 2648.12, "end": 2649.6, "text": "You want to marry a red?"}, {"start": 2649.6, "end": 2650.84, "text": "Better be fast."}, {"start": 2650.84, "end": 2654.8, "text": "That son of a bitch already got his shoes on and one foot out the window."}, {"start": 2654.8, "end": 2661.07, "text": "Reds don't commit, they flee the scene of the relationship."}, {"start": 2661.07, "end": 2666.47, "text": "But then the only safe color in the whole damn deck, you beautiful bastards, the green."}, {"start": 2666.47, "end": 2669.99, "text": "A green ain't out here talking your head off about marriage and babies."}, {"start": 2669.99, "end": 2670.99, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 2670.99, "end": 2674.23, "text": "Cause to a green, rushing into all that doesn't make logical sense."}, {"start": 2674.23, "end": 2675.87, "text": "A green thinks it through."}, {"start": 2675.87, "end": 2683.23, "text": "A green will date you for six years, running a quiet little cost benefit analysis."}, {"start": 2683.23, "end": 2685.23, "text": "A green won't trap you motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2685.23, "end": 2690.59, "text": "A green will think about trapping you, weigh the pros and cons, consider the tax implications"}, {"start": 2690.59, "end": 2693.51, "text": "and then decide it's just not efficient right now."}, {"start": 2693.51, "end": 2697.91, "text": "If you're scared of commitment, date a green, they're too busy overthinking it to ever"}, {"start": 2697.91, "end": 2699.55, "text": "actually propose."}, {"start": 2699.55, "end": 2706.75, "text": "It's the safest relationship on earth cause nothing ever happens."}, {"start": 2706.75, "end": 2709.43, "text": "To look at the menu, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 2709.43, "end": 2711.71, "text": "The yellow wants to marry you today."}, {"start": 2711.71, "end": 2716.27, "text": "The blues already forged the license, the reds climbing out the bathroom window and the"}, {"start": 2716.27, "end": 2722.62, "text": "greens gonna get back to you in a few fiscal quarters."}, {"start": 2722.62, "end": 2726.5, "text": "And here's the sad damn punch line of my whole life motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2726.5, "end": 2730.54, "text": "I spent it running from the yellows who would have loved me forever and chasing the"}, {"start": 2730.54, "end": 2736.22, "text": "wild blues who'd never be still and the one safe color, the green, the calm one, the"}, {"start": 2736.22, "end": 2738.66, "text": "one who could have actually given me peace."}, {"start": 2738.66, "end": 2743.78, "text": "I let her go cause I knew my red fire would burn her calm right to the ground."}, {"start": 2743.78, "end": 2748.41, "text": "That's the whole tragedy of love right there."}, {"start": 2748.41, "end": 2749.97, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 2749.97, "end": 2754.25, "text": "We spend our whole lives running toward the color that's worst for us and running away from"}, {"start": 2754.25, "end": 2756.17, "text": "the one who could have saved us."}, {"start": 2756.17, "end": 2761.01, "text": "Read the colors, learn from a broke 50 year old who got it backwards for 30 years and"}, {"start": 2761.01, "end": 2765.73, "text": "maybe, maybe stop running from the ones who just want to love you quiet."}, {"start": 2765.73, "end": 2769.09, "text": "The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2775.69, "end": 2778.21, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 2778.21, "end": 2784.65, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 2784.65, "end": 2790.89, "text": "new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven"}, {"start": 2790.89, "end": 2795.61, "text": "days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated."}, {"start": 2795.61, "end": 2801.01, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 2801.01, "end": 2805.97, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 2805.97, "end": 2811.37, "text": "laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere"}, {"start": 2811.37, "end": 2814.89, "text": "out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 2814.89, "end": 2817.77, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. I'll write you filthy degenerates tonight. I'm 50 years old and I'm about to hand you the dirtiest secret I ever learned. How a broke, busted up motherfucker like me gets more pussy at 50 than most of you clowns got at 25 and the numbers don't lie. Now every man in this room thinks he knows the game. You think it's the car, you think it's the money, you think it's the gym body and the fresh line. Wrong, you filthy bastards. I'm broke as a joke. I clean toilets for a living and I've unlocked more women than a damn locksmith so sit down and take notes. Here's the first punch, motherfuckers, and it's gonna hurt. It ain't your dick. It never was. The single horniest thing you can do to a woman, the thing that gets those legs open faster than any Corvette, is shut the fuck up and listen. I'm serious. I studied this like a science. A woman is a combo lock. You beautiful bastards, three numbers and when you hit them right, the whole thing pops open and those three numbers ain't her measurements. It's her colors. Her code. She actually wants underneath all of it. So at 50, I put on the glasses. I can read a woman the second she walks in the room. I see her color like a damn heat map. And instead of talking about me, my dick, my dreams, my bullshit, I ask her the magic question that no man on earth ever asks, what do you want? And then I do the unthinkable motherfuckers, I wait for the answer. And that's it. That's the whole cheat code. While every other guy is out there flexing and lying and buying drinks, I'm just sitting there listening and the lock pops. Sometimes in hours. Sometimes she unlocks herself before I even make a move because she's so shocked a man actually heard her. She does the work for me. I got a whole damn list, you filthy animals. I kept score and the numbers don't lie. The broke toilet cleaner with three dogs runs a better batting average than the rich pretty boys with the Rolexes. Why? Because they're selling and I'm listening. Turns out the master key to every woman alive was two little words. Tell me. And here's the part that's going to make the men mad and the women scream. It's true motherfuckers. Y'all been walking around thinking women want something complicated. They don't. They want the same thing that broke eight year old candy store kid wanted his whole life to be heard. Give her that and she'll give you everything. The dirtiest secret on the planet is being a decent damn listener. I watched men and women bitch about their dating life for years. Crying, swiping, losing their minds and the whole time I'm thinking you dumb bastards. The answer is free. Put the phone down. Shut your mouth. Read the color. Ask what she wants. That's a book motherfuckers. That's the truth nobody wants to sell you because it don't cost nothing. So that's my gift to you tonight. You filthy degenerates. 50 years old. Broke. Three dogs. Clean in houses. And I cracked the code that a billion dollar app can't. It ain't your money. It ain't your dick. It ain't your face. It's your ears and your eyes. And one damn question. Read the colors. Put on the glasses. Shut up and listen. And the numbers. The numbers. Never lie. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. Put the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, you filthy degenerates. Listen up now that Jesse taught you the four colors tonight. We take him into the bedroom. This is the dirtiest personality test you'll ever take. And before the fan mail starts, this is all comedy motherfuckers. It's a bit. Don't a me. Now let's talk about how each color fucks. We start with the green, the thinkers, the quiet ones you filthy animals. Green is dead silent in bed. No noise, no words, just intense eye contact and a whole lot of overthinking. You never know what a green's feeling. They're running a spreadsheet in their head while they wreck you. The quiet ones are always the ones that surprise you. Still waters run filthy. Then you got the yellow, the huggers. Oh, the yellow just wants to love you motherfuckers. They ain't even really about the sex. It's about the cuddle, the connection, the are you okay baby, mid thrust. A yellow will make love to your soul and then make you breakfast and cry a little. Sweetest lay you'll ever have and they'll text you good morning for a month. Now the red, the protectors. Red is going to take control. You beautiful bastards. Red will do anything and red likes it. But make no mistake. Red is running the show. It's their way, their pace, their rules. You don't top a red. You survive a red and you say thank you. But then motherfuckers, then you got the blue, the chameleons and this is where the comedy begins. The blue is the craziest son of a bitch in the bedroom, hands down. Why? Because a blue becomes whatever the moment needs. So in bed, a blue is a different person every single time. You never know who you're going to get. One night sweet. Last night unhinged. Next night doing something you got to look up afterward. The blues are the freaks you fill the animals. Every wild story you ever heard at a bar started with a blue. A blue will read the room, read you, and then give you the freaky version of yourself you were too scared to ask for. That's a gift and a warning. You don't date a blue. You get possessed by one. And then the combo that ought to come with a damn hazard sign. The blue red. The chameleon and the protector in one body. These motherfuckers are the super freaks. Blue brings the wild. Red brings the control. And together they will take you places your therapist is going to hear about for years. A blue red is a roller coaster with no seat belt and no bottom. Ride at your own risk. So that's the map. You filthy degenerates. The green quietly destroys you. The yellow loves you to pieces. The red runs you and the blue possesses you. And if you find a blue red, good luck to you because I sure couldn't. So take the quiz, find your color, find theirs, and now you know exactly what you're walking into before you drop them drawers. That's the dirtiest gift I can give you. Read the colors, put on the glasses, and buckle the fuck up. And remember motherfuckers, it's all comedy. Mostly the hammer. Good night you filthy bastards. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Alright you filthy degenerates. Tonight Jesse confesses something. At 50 years old, I have had sex in more places than most of you have ever visited. I'm not bragging motherfuckers. I'm confessin. I got a problem and the problem is I never met a location I didn't want to defile. And when a woman asked me, where's the craziest place you ever did it? I played dumb. I go, what do you mean? Because I want to hear her list first, you filthy animals. I'm gathering intelligence. Never show your hand when the other players hold in a resume. Let's start with the snow. Yeah, the snow. Now let me tell you about cold weather sex motherfuckers. It is 90% logistics and 10% regret. You're trying to be romantic and your whole body's screaming, we are gonna die out here. And things are shrinking to sizes that do not help your reputation. Snow sex is just frostbite with extra steps. Now here's a dark one. You beautiful bastards. Girlfriends love doing it on their parents bed. Love it. And I never understood the psychology till I realized it ain't about me. It's revenge. That's not passion. That's a woman working out 20 years of childhood on a mattress. And I'm just the tool she brought to therapy. But the best? The best hands down motherfuckers. Spa sex. Oh, the spa. Warm water. Jets in all the right damn places. The whole thing's basically got a copilot. The spa does have the work. I want to personally shake the hand of whoever invented the Jacuzzi jet is the greatest wingman I ever had. And then there's the danger tour. New filthy degenerates at work in stores in the back of a damn restaurant. Nothing gets the blood going like the possibility of getting fired or arrested midstroke. I've clocked out early for reasons H.E.R. would not approve of. My performance review said distracted. They had no idea. Cars, the woods, the beach, the roof, the train, motels, massage parlors. I have been a one man to file in machine across the whole map. I didn't tour California motherfuckers. I christened it. There's landmarks out there that should have a little plaque. Jessi was here, so was somebody else. But there's one. One white whale I never caught. You beautiful bastards. No plain sex. Never joined the Mile High Club. I've done it everywhere on this earth and never once in the sky. 50 years old and the airplane bathroom is still on my bucket list right next to affordable rent. And here's the sad funny truth motherfuckers. I christened half the state in my 20s and 30s and now at 50 with this busted back. The wildest, most dangerous location I can physically manage is a bed. My own bed. With a heat and pad and a bottle of ibuprofen on the nightstand, the freak conquered the whole world and got exiled back to one damn room. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, you filthy degenerates. Tonight Jesse gets honest. From 18 years old to damn near 50, I chased one thing harder than money, harder than a dream, harder than my own damn survival. And that thing was pussy. And I was a natural born hunter. See other men, their gold was a house, a car, a business, not me motherfuckers. My gold was the screamers and the squirters. That was my treasure. I was out here like a damn prospector, panning for the loud ones. And when I struck it, oh when I found a screamer, I felt richer than any man on Wall Street. I fell into the pussy hole, you filthy animals. When I lost myself down there for about three decades, while other guys were building empires, I was building a body count. My retirement plan was a phone full of numbers and a back that don't work no more. And it distracted me. It knocked me clean off course motherfuckers. I'd have a business, a plan, real money on the table and one screamer would walk by and I'd drop the whole thing like a hot rock. That's the real shit might as curse. I'd find actual gold and trade it for a Tuesday night. I loved it. I still love it. Let's be clear. I ain't dead. I'm just retired. But for 30 years, I was a slave to it. I'd read a woman's color, put on the glasses, unlock her in an hour, and lose two weeks of my life in the process. I was getting laid and going broke at the exact same time. Ain't nobody ever combined those two skills like me. And here's what pisses me off, you beautiful bastards. Now every podcast bro with a microphone and a hoodie thinks he invented the game. Even about alpha this and high value that motherfucker, I got a PhD in this. I did the field work. You read a book. I lived the whole damn library covered a cover and I got the bad back and the empty bank account to prove it. These clowns are out here theorizing. I got stories, real ones. The kind that don't make it on a podcast because the sponsor would pull out faster than I should have. You guys don't know shit. You just talk about it. I got lost in it so deep I had to build a map to find my way back. Because here's the turn, motherfuckers. At 50 broke, three dogs, busted body. I finally hung up the jersey, retired. Not because I stopped loving the pussy. I'll love the pussy till they put me in the ground. But because I finally figured out the one thing worth more than a screamer, writing it all down so you don't have to lose 30 years, finding out what I already know. That's my whole damn purpose now. You filthy degenerates. I spent three decades lost in the pussy so you don't have to be. I turned my obsession into an education. The screamers and the squirters, they were my gold. But the stories, the stories are the real fortune and this time, this time nobody can steal them from me. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, you filthy degenerates. Jesse's got a warning for you tonight. The most dangerous color of all four. The one that's been taken down powerful men since the beginning of time. The blue. And I need every one of you to listen because this knowledge could save your whole damn life. See, the blue is the chameleon. Man or woman don't matter. They read you, they become exactly what you need and they get all the way inside. And that's beautiful when they love you. But cross a blue or neglect a blue and you just made the most dangerous enemy walk in the earth. Every old story about a man losing everything. The king who lost his crown, the strong man who lost his strength, the rich bastard who lost half his kingdom, go check the tape mother fuckers. There's a blue in every single one of them. They don't rob you with a gun. They rob you with a smile and you help them carry it out the door. A mad blue is a force of nature you filthy animals. They know your passwords, your secrets, your soft spots because you told them you idiot back when they were being sweet and when they turned, they don't just leave. They take the house, the car, the dog and your damn dignity and they smile the whole time. I've seen the richest men in the world get taken to the cleaners by a blue and I've seen broke bastards lose the little they had. Rich or poor, it don't matter. The blue is an equal opportunity destroyer. Money don't protect you. Nothing protects you but knowing what you're dealing with. But here's the secret mother fuckers, the flip side. Because a blue you take care of, a blue you listen to, spend the time on, give what they actually want. That same person becomes the most loyal ride or die ride through hell partner you will ever have in your life. The blue is a loaded gun. It's all about which way it's pointing. So you got two choices with a blue. You beautiful bastards pour into them or run from them. There is no lazy middle. You cannot half-ass a blue, half-ass a blue and you'll be telling your story to a divorce lawyer, a bartender and eventually a comedian like me. That's the whole game you filthy degenerates. The blue will give you heaven or take everything you got and the only difference is whether you saw him coming and treated him right. Read the colors, put on the glasses and when you see a blue you either love him all the way or you get the fuck out the way. The hammer. Good night you filthy mother fuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right you filthy degenerates. I told you the blue was the most dangerous color. Now let me tell you why they're the scary stories because here's the truth that's going to hit every damn person in this room. You are either married to a blue or your mom or your dad is one. There's no escaping it. Mine, my mom, a full blown shoe throwing category five blue. See a blue feels everything at 200% motherfuckers. They don't have a dimmer switch. It's all the way off or all the way on. And that intensity is beautiful when they love you, but you take that same all the way on blue and you add a vice and now you got yourself a horror movie because a blue does nothing halfway. You filthy animals. A blue don't have a drink. A blue drinks like it owes a money. A blue don't gamble a little. A blue puts the deed to the house on black. A blue doesn't snack. A blue eats their entire childhood trauma one buffet at a time. Whatever they grab, they grab all of it. My blue mother could turn a disagreement about dinner into a hostage situation. Zero to a hundred over the wrong casserole. I grew up thinking flying footwear was just weather. That's a blue on a bad day. Motherfuckers. A beautiful loving woman who could also end you with a house slipper at 40 miles an hour. You go check the tape on every crazy story you ever heard. You beautiful bastards. The one who lost the whole house at the casino in one night. Blue. The one who drank the family into the ground. Blue. The one who ate themselves into a coma feeding a feeling. Blue. It's always a damn blue. They're the main character in every horror movie or family whispers about it funerals. Because the exact same superpower that makes a blue read you become your perfect match and love you harder than anybody alive. That all in no breaks intensity is the same engine that drives them straight into a bottle, a slot machine, or a drive-through at three in the morning. The gift and the curse run on the same fuel. A blue is a Ferrari with no brakes, mother fuckers. Pointed at love. It's the ride of your life. Pointed at a vice. It's a Stephen King novel with your last name on the cover. Same car. Just depends which way they aimed it. So here's your survival guide. You filthy degenerates. If you love a blue, keep them the hell away from the casino, the bar, and the all you can eat, and love them all the way every day on purpose. Because a blue with a healthy obsession is heaven on earth and a blue with an addiction. That's the story your grandkids are going to be scared to tell. That's the blue mother fuckers, the most loving, most dangerous, most all in soul walk in the planet. Take the colors, put on the glasses, and when you find your blue, hide the car keys in the credit cards and hold on tight. The hammer. Good night, you filthy bastards. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right you filthy degenerates. I warned you. The blue was the most dangerous color. Now let me show you their deadliest weapon. It ain't a knife. It ain't a lie. It's sex. The blue uses sex to catch you and trap you. A straight up booby trap mother fuckers and I mean that with every letter. See, a blue don't sleep with you for fun. You fill the animals. A blue sleeps with you for control. Because once you're hooked on that blue sex, the kind where they read exactly what you've been missing your whole damn life and become it in the bedroom, your brain shuts off. You'll sign anything. You'll agree to anything. You are no longer operating heavy machinery. That's the trap mother fuckers. They give you the best night of your life. They become your exact fantasy overnight. They get you addicted and then snap the trap closes. And suddenly you're paying rent. You didn't agree to. Looking at rings you didn't pick. Wondering where the hell your whole life went. And it's the oldest trick there is. You beautiful bastards. Every powerful man who lost everything. No check it. They didn't get took down by an army. They got took down by a bed. The ones who brought down kings never needed a sword. Same play. New century. Better lingerie. And here's the scary part. The blue knows exactly what they're doing. They got the equipment and the game plan. It's the only trap in the world that makes you say thank you while it's snapping shut on your damn leg. Go fellas, here's your warning. When the sex is too good, too fast, and she turns into your perfect dream girl practically overnight, that ain't your lucky day mother fuckers. That's a booby trap with a smile and a plan. Pump the brakes and check your surroundings before your dumb ass steps in it. And ladies, don't get comfortable. A man can be a blue too. The smooth talking shapeshifter who reads you in three seconds becomes your exact fantasy and traps you the same damn way. This trap don't discriminate. It comes in every gender and it always comes with great sex and terrible timing. And here's a free tip. You filthy degenerates. You want to spot a blue on site? Weaponized good looks. Big old tits, a face that stops traffic and they know it and they use it like a tool. Nine times out of ten, that's a blue with the safety off. The beauty is the bait mother fuckers and the bait is always freshest on a blue. And you know what they're hunting with it? The rich guy or the rich woman? The blue booby trap ain't out here looking for love. It's looking for a provider. They scan a room for the Rolex, the car keys and the fat wallet and they aim the whole damn operation right at it. Which brings me to the one blessing of being broke as hell you beautiful bastards. Nobody's ever gonna waste a good booby trap on me. I'm the safest man in America. A blue takes one look at a 50 year old who pulls up to the food bank in a paid off Tesla and goes nah, not worth the ammo. Being broke is the best trap proof and money can't buy. So watch for the booby trap you filthy degenerates. Best sex of your life from somebody who became flawless overnight. That's beautiful. And it's dangerous as hell. Read the color before you get caught in it because by the time it snaps shut you already said I do. The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right you filthy degenerates. I warned you about the blue booby trap. Now Jesse's going to teach you how a broke man survives it. Because I figured out the counter move motherfuckers and it saved my dumbass more times than I can count. See before a blue could ever trap me, I'd disarm the trap. First thing out of my mouth before hello, before her name, I'd say, look, I got no money. And if you get pregnant, I cannot and will not do it. I led with my absolute worst qualities like a damn warning label on a pack of cigarettes. And you know what happened? You filthy animals. The gold diggers ran. The booby traps folded up and rolled out the door looking for a Rolex. But the ones who stayed after hearing broken no babies, those were the real ones. Better for the fun, not the funds. Best filter ever invented. I scared off every trap and kept every good time. But here's the thing motherfuckers. Even with all that, sometimes a tornado still gets through. A crazy blue slips past the screening. And when that girl hits, it is the worst day of your entire life. And I got war stories, barely making it out alive just to be standing here telling you about it. You want to know the most painful part of every single tornado story? When it finally blows up, when it all goes to hell, everybody around you goes, oh yeah, we all knew she was crazy. Everyone knew you beautiful bastards, your friends knew, your mom knew, the damn mailman knew. You were the last person on earth to find out you were dating a natural disaster. You're standing in the wreckage of your whole life going, why didn't anybody tell me? And they go, bro? We did. You weren't listening. You had the glasses off. That's the curse. The one man who can't see the tornado is the one standing in the middle of it. And that you filthy degenerates. That right there is exactly why I wrote this comedy and these damn books. So you can be the one who sees it coming before the tornado touches down instead of the dumb bastard finding out at the divorce at the custody hearing or in the back of a cop car. So take it from a man who survived every storm to tell the tale. Lead with your worst, so only the real ones stay. Read the color so you see the tornado on the radar. And when everybody in your life is telling you she's crazy for once in your damn life, listen, that's the whole book, motherfuckers, the hammer. Good night, you filthy bastards. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a line up of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. I'll write you filthy degenerates. Tonight Jesse learns a hard lesson about getting exactly what you wished for. See, I spent 30 years hunting the screamers, the loud ones, the wild ones, the crazy blue freaks. That was my gold mother fuckers, my whole treasure, and then I finally caught one. And she almost killed me. Because here's what nobody warns you about, you filthy animals, a screamer, a wild-ass blue in bed. For the first five minutes, it is the single greatest experience of your entire life. You feel like a legend. You feel like they should build a statue. But then it keeps going and going. And you realize, oh no, there's no off switch. This is all the time, mother fuckers, every single time, full throttle, maximum volume, no chill, no pause at three o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. And I'm 50, you beautiful bastards. My body files a complaint if I sneeze wrong. I cannot do the rocky montage every night. Sometimes a grown man just wants to participate quietly, say thank you, and go to sleep. But a blue does not have a low setting. It's 100% or she thinks you don't love her. And it ain't just the screamers' mother fuckers. Let's talk about the squirters, the other half of my gold, in the moment? Incredible, impressive. You feel like you unlocked a secret achievement like the game gave you a trophy. But then you gotta look at your bed and your bed looks like a crime scene at a water park. Every single time you fill the animals, sheets soaked through, mattress done, and now you're doing laundry at two in the morning like a damn overnight janitor. Fun once, a miracle. Every night I had to buy the plastic sheets they put on toddler beds. I got a grown man's sex life protected by the same technology as a potty train in four year old. That's the squirter tax. You get the show, but you sleep in a swamp. I chased the wild ones my whole damn life, and I finally caught one, and the wild one had me heightened in my own bathroom, texting my friends, send help. She's got energy. I wished for a firework mother fuckers, and the universe gave me a war. I used to brag about the screamers. Now I'm like a man who won a tiger in a raffle. Oh yeah, she's incredible, and I sleep with one eye open my back's destroyed, and I haven't had a full night's rest since the spring. Be careful what you hunt, you filthy degenerates, you might catch it. And here's the truth that snuck up on me, mother fuckers. Turns out the thing I chased my whole life, the loud, the wild, the all the time, was exhausted the second I actually got it. Maybe I never really wanted a screamer at all. Maybe after 50 years of noise and chaos and christenin' the whole state, maybe all this tired old freak really wanted was somebody to be quiet with. Somebody to just lay there in the dark and say nothing, I spent my whole life hunting fireworks, you filthy bastards, and it turns out all I ever needed was one calm damn night, the hammer. Good night, you filthy mother fuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up, and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night. In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the red line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically softwares and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is kill Jesse. Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, you filthy degenerates. Now that you know the colors in bed, let Jesse tell you which one is trying to lock you down because every color comes a commitment different and some of them will have you married before you even sober up. Let's start with the yellow, the hugger. The yellow loves you, motherfuckers and the yellow does not want to leave. Ever. A yellow is picking out baby names on the second date. They want the wedding, the kids, the little house, the golden retriever and they want it right now. Sweetest soul on earth, but a yellow emotionally moves in before you've even had a third real conversation. You go on one nice date and suddenly your phone says, good morning my future husband. Then the blue, you already know, the blue don't ask you to commit, you filthy animals, the blue engineers it, the booby trap, the oops, the whole operation. A blue's got you married in a plan you didn't even know you agreed to. Then there's the red, that's me motherfuckers and the red, the red runs, a red will give you everything on this earth except staying. You want to marry a red? Better be fast. That son of a bitch already got his shoes on and one foot out the window. Reds don't commit, they flee the scene of the relationship. But then the only safe color in the whole damn deck, you beautiful bastards, the green. A green ain't out here talking your head off about marriage and babies. Why? Cause to a green, rushing into all that doesn't make logical sense. A green thinks it through. A green will date you for six years, running a quiet little cost benefit analysis. A green won't trap you motherfuckers. A green will think about trapping you, weigh the pros and cons, consider the tax implications and then decide it's just not efficient right now. If you're scared of commitment, date a green, they're too busy overthinking it to ever actually propose. It's the safest relationship on earth cause nothing ever happens. To look at the menu, you filthy degenerates. The yellow wants to marry you today. The blues already forged the license, the reds climbing out the bathroom window and the greens gonna get back to you in a few fiscal quarters. And here's the sad damn punch line of my whole life motherfuckers. I spent it running from the yellows who would have loved me forever and chasing the wild blues who'd never be still and the one safe color, the green, the calm one, the one who could have actually given me peace. I let her go cause I knew my red fire would burn her calm right to the ground. That's the whole tragedy of love right there. You beautiful bastards. We spend our whole lives running toward the color that's worst for us and running away from the one who could have saved us. Read the colors, learn from a broke 50 year old who got it backwards for 30 years and maybe, maybe stop running from the ones who just want to love you quiet. The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}