{"file": "audio/best/this-is-jesse.mp3", "duration_sec": 312.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 19.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 49.13, "text": "You want to know who the fuck I am? Sit down, you filthy degenerates, because in the next five minutes I'm going to show you a whole damn life and every filthy bit of it's true, motherfuckers or made up. I honestly can't remember. I've been high since 14."}, {"start": 49.13, "end": 61.13, "text": "I was a businessman at eight, candy store out front, loan shark racket in the back, charging my own family interest, the little cutthroat bastard charging my own damn blood the big."}, {"start": 61.13, "end": 74.57, "text": "And here's the fucked up full circle motherfuckers. 40 years later I lost my cushy state job. A job you damn near can't get fired from, because I got into it over a co-worker selling candy."}, {"start": 74.57, "end": 86.71, "text": "I looked at the chief and said, if she can sell candy at work, give me back my damn candy empire. They did not fucking agree and I lost the job over it."}, {"start": 86.71, "end": 96.71, "text": "That's lane number one. I fuck everything up. It's a gift. You could hand me a winning lottery ticket and I'd get a paper cut cash in it and bleed the fuck out in the circle K parking lot."}, {"start": 96.71, "end": 108.63, "text": "Because I'm a reverse Midas, you beautiful bastards. Everything I touch turns to somebody else's gold. I invented American Idol in 99, made zero dollars."}, {"start": 108.63, "end": 120.63, "text": "I bought a self-drive in Tesla. It couldn't drive and paid me Corolla wages. Started rideshare during a damn pandemic. My timing so bad I'd show up to my own funeral a week late and still get charged for parking."}, {"start": 120.63, "end": 129.84, "text": "And the women. Oh, that's a whole lane motherfuckers. I've loved every tornado in the county."}, {"start": 129.84, "end": 139.84, "text": "Gave a stripper my garbage-pale kids collection to get her out of my life. Cards worth a damn fortune now. Because of course they fucking are. That's my whole shit luck life."}, {"start": 139.84, "end": 141.84, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 141.84, "end": 150.84, "text": "See, I'm a red, a protector. Which is a fancy way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it."}, {"start": 150.84, "end": 158.84, "text": "I got a green brain full of a million dollars I never kept and a yellow heart that hands the match to every woman who sets it on fire."}, {"start": 158.84, "end": 172.62, "text": "I've cleaned toilets at 50, drove drunks for 11 years, served the state for 14 and shot 30 years of weddings for couples divorced before I finished editing the damn photos."}, {"start": 172.62, "end": 179.62, "text": "55 years of customer service and every customer was an asshole, including my own broke ass."}, {"start": 179.62, "end": 189.38, "text": "So how's a broke high felon toilet scrubber still standing up here laughing? Here's the confession under all the filth motherfuckers."}, {"start": 190.38, "end": 205.79, "text": "30 years ago I was in a cell ready to give up looking at prison and I made a deal. I looked up and told the man upstairs, take all the money every damn dollar forever. Just let me be free. Just let me fucking live. That's all I asked."}, {"start": 205.79, "end": 220.67, "text": "And you know what? You filthy beautiful bastards. He fucking took it every damn dollar right on schedule. But I got the freedom. So I'm not broke motherfuckers. I'm paid in full."}, {"start": 220.67, "end": 238.11, "text": "I bought my life back one lost fortune at a time and I'd signed that deal again in blood. That's who I am. The filthiest mouth in comedy, the worst luck alive, the biggest heart in the room. And one word I'll never say because something stays sacred."}, {"start": 238.11, "end": 246.11, "text": "Broke as shit, free as hell, high as a motherfucker and laugh in my ass off at a life that tried to bury me a hundred times."}, {"start": 246.11, "end": 257.8, "text": "They can keep the money motherfuckers. I kept my soul, my freedom, and my filthy fucking mouth. That's Jesse, the hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 264.4, "end": 280.4, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 280.4, "end": 306.4, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. You want to know who the fuck I am? Sit down, you filthy degenerates, because in the next five minutes I'm going to show you a whole damn life and every filthy bit of it's true, motherfuckers or made up. I honestly can't remember. I've been high since 14. I was a businessman at eight, candy store out front, loan shark racket in the back, charging my own family interest, the little cutthroat bastard charging my own damn blood the big. And here's the fucked up full circle motherfuckers. 40 years later I lost my cushy state job. A job you damn near can't get fired from, because I got into it over a co-worker selling candy. I looked at the chief and said, if she can sell candy at work, give me back my damn candy empire. They did not fucking agree and I lost the job over it. That's lane number one. I fuck everything up. It's a gift. You could hand me a winning lottery ticket and I'd get a paper cut cash in it and bleed the fuck out in the circle K parking lot. Because I'm a reverse Midas, you beautiful bastards. Everything I touch turns to somebody else's gold. I invented American Idol in 99, made zero dollars. I bought a self-drive in Tesla. It couldn't drive and paid me Corolla wages. Started rideshare during a damn pandemic. My timing so bad I'd show up to my own funeral a week late and still get charged for parking. And the women. Oh, that's a whole lane motherfuckers. I've loved every tornado in the county. Gave a stripper my garbage-pale kids collection to get her out of my life. Cards worth a damn fortune now. Because of course they fucking are. That's my whole shit luck life. Oh! See, I'm a red, a protector. Which is a fancy way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it. I got a green brain full of a million dollars I never kept and a yellow heart that hands the match to every woman who sets it on fire. I've cleaned toilets at 50, drove drunks for 11 years, served the state for 14 and shot 30 years of weddings for couples divorced before I finished editing the damn photos. 55 years of customer service and every customer was an asshole, including my own broke ass. So how's a broke high felon toilet scrubber still standing up here laughing? Here's the confession under all the filth motherfuckers. 30 years ago I was in a cell ready to give up looking at prison and I made a deal. I looked up and told the man upstairs, take all the money every damn dollar forever. Just let me be free. Just let me fucking live. That's all I asked. And you know what? You filthy beautiful bastards. He fucking took it every damn dollar right on schedule. But I got the freedom. So I'm not broke motherfuckers. I'm paid in full. I bought my life back one lost fortune at a time and I'd signed that deal again in blood. That's who I am. The filthiest mouth in comedy, the worst luck alive, the biggest heart in the room. And one word I'll never say because something stays sacred. Broke as shit, free as hell, high as a motherfucker and laugh in my ass off at a life that tried to bury me a hundred times. They can keep the money motherfuckers. I kept my soul, my freedom, and my filthy fucking mouth. That's Jesse, the hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}