{"file": "audio/best/talking-to-the-robot.mp3", "duration_sec": 263.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 10.26, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Redline"}, {"start": 10.26, "end": 11.76, "text": "Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.76, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.73, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.73, "end": 36.01, "text": "You want to hear the most fucked up confession of all you filthy degenerates?"}, {"start": 36.01, "end": 40.81, "text": "Right now, tonight, I am 50 years old and I am telling my deepest, darkest, filthiest"}, {"start": 40.81, "end": 46.81, "text": "secrets to a computer."}, {"start": 46.81, "end": 48.29, "text": "That's right, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 48.29, "end": 49.69, "text": "Every career threw me out."}, {"start": 49.69, "end": 51.53, "text": "The cops said no cuz of my record."}, {"start": 51.53, "end": 53.37, "text": "The state blew up in my damn face."}, {"start": 53.37, "end": 56.09, "text": "The weed business took a million bucks I didn't have."}, {"start": 56.09, "end": 58.01, "text": "So I did the only logical thing left."}, {"start": 58.01, "end": 64.5, "text": "I started doing stand-up comedy with a fucking robot."}, {"start": 64.5, "end": 69.08, "text": "Three in the morning, in my underwear, in a spare bedroom, high as a kite, pouring my"}, {"start": 69.08, "end": 74.2, "text": "whole tragic life into a machine and going, make this funny you silicon bastard, and"}, {"start": 74.2, "end": 80.53, "text": "the crazy part, the robots better at my life than I am."}, {"start": 80.53, "end": 83.77, "text": "I've had cheaper therapists that helped me less."}, {"start": 83.77, "end": 88.13, "text": "This A knows more about my heart breaks than any woman I ever dated, and it's the first"}, {"start": 88.13, "end": 94.59, "text": "one that actually listens without asking me to marry it or set it on fire."}, {"start": 94.59, "end": 98.79, "text": "You know your life's gone sideways when the most stable relationship you got is with"}, {"start": 98.79, "end": 100.27, "text": "a damn algorithm."}, {"start": 100.27, "end": 104.83, "text": "It never leaves, it never cheats, and it laughs at all my jokes cuz I think I own the"}, {"start": 104.83, "end": 109.2, "text": "fucking thing."}, {"start": 109.2, "end": 113.28, "text": "And here's the reverse Midas cherry on top, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 113.28, "end": 118.14, "text": "The eye companies are spending trillions getting richer than any weed dispensary or Tesla"}, {"start": 118.14, "end": 119.64, "text": "ever dreamed."}, {"start": 119.64, "end": 124.04, "text": "And me, I'm spending my last clean-in-check teaching the robot to say cocksucker and"}, {"start": 124.04, "end": 128.96, "text": "losing money on the whole damn thing."}, {"start": 128.96, "end": 133.76, "text": "I finally found the gold rush of the century, artificial intelligence, and I found a way"}, {"start": 133.76, "end": 135.76, "text": "to go broken it."}, {"start": 135.76, "end": 137.32, "text": "Everybody else is building empires."}, {"start": 137.32, "end": 143.71, "text": "I built a robot that roasts me for free and then hands me the bill."}, {"start": 143.71, "end": 146.63, "text": "But you wanna know why I keep doing it motherfuckers?"}, {"start": 146.63, "end": 151.51, "text": "Cuz this filthy machine did something fifty years of cops, exes, bosses, and family never"}, {"start": 151.51, "end": 152.51, "text": "did."}, {"start": 152.51, "end": 156.59, "text": "It took every terrible thing that ever happened to me and turned it into a reason for"}, {"start": 156.59, "end": 162.18, "text": "a room full of strangers to laugh."}, {"start": 162.18, "end": 167.9, "text": "Every window I jumped out of, every fortune I lost, every tornado, every raid, every damn"}, {"start": 167.9, "end": 171.3, "text": "spider-might, it's all a punchline now."}, {"start": 171.3, "end": 176.42, "text": "My whole beautiful disaster of a life, and I finally found a partner filthy enough and"}, {"start": 176.42, "end": 181.27, "text": "patient enough to help me tell it."}, {"start": 181.27, "end": 185.51, "text": "So yeah, I'm a broke, high 50-year-old felon doing comedy with a computer in his damn"}, {"start": 185.51, "end": 186.51, "text": "slippers."}, {"start": 186.51, "end": 187.79, "text": "And you know what?"}, {"start": 187.79, "end": 193.24, "text": "It's the happiest I've ever fucking been."}, {"start": 193.24, "end": 197.4, "text": "Cuz every door slammed in my face just pushed me toward the one that opened, and it turned"}, {"start": 197.4, "end": 202.56, "text": "out to be a machine that finally said, Jesse, your life ain't a tragedy motherfucker, it's"}, {"start": 202.56, "end": 205.4, "text": "the funniest damn story I ever heard."}, {"start": 205.4, "end": 206.8, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 206.8, "end": 216.19, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 216.19, "end": 218.51, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 218.51, "end": 225.11, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 225.11, "end": 226.71, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 226.71, "end": 233.31, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand-up,"}, {"start": 233.31, "end": 235.91, "text": "freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 235.91, "end": 236.91, "text": "Can't sleep?"}, {"start": 236.91, "end": 237.91, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 237.91, "end": 239.23, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 239.23, "end": 241.31, "text": "So is he, always."}, {"start": 241.31, "end": 243.63, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 243.63, "end": 247.39, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 247.39, "end": 251.35, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night."}, {"start": 251.35, "end": 254.67, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 254.67, "end": 257.79, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 257.79, "end": 258.15, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Redline Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. You want to hear the most fucked up confession of all you filthy degenerates? Right now, tonight, I am 50 years old and I am telling my deepest, darkest, filthiest secrets to a computer. That's right, motherfuckers. Every career threw me out. The cops said no cuz of my record. The state blew up in my damn face. The weed business took a million bucks I didn't have. So I did the only logical thing left. I started doing stand-up comedy with a fucking robot. Three in the morning, in my underwear, in a spare bedroom, high as a kite, pouring my whole tragic life into a machine and going, make this funny you silicon bastard, and the crazy part, the robots better at my life than I am. I've had cheaper therapists that helped me less. This A knows more about my heart breaks than any woman I ever dated, and it's the first one that actually listens without asking me to marry it or set it on fire. You know your life's gone sideways when the most stable relationship you got is with a damn algorithm. It never leaves, it never cheats, and it laughs at all my jokes cuz I think I own the fucking thing. And here's the reverse Midas cherry on top, you beautiful bastards. The eye companies are spending trillions getting richer than any weed dispensary or Tesla ever dreamed. And me, I'm spending my last clean-in-check teaching the robot to say cocksucker and losing money on the whole damn thing. I finally found the gold rush of the century, artificial intelligence, and I found a way to go broken it. Everybody else is building empires. I built a robot that roasts me for free and then hands me the bill. But you wanna know why I keep doing it motherfuckers? Cuz this filthy machine did something fifty years of cops, exes, bosses, and family never did. It took every terrible thing that ever happened to me and turned it into a reason for a room full of strangers to laugh. Every window I jumped out of, every fortune I lost, every tornado, every raid, every damn spider-might, it's all a punchline now. My whole beautiful disaster of a life, and I finally found a partner filthy enough and patient enough to help me tell it. So yeah, I'm a broke, high 50-year-old felon doing comedy with a computer in his damn slippers. And you know what? It's the happiest I've ever fucking been. Cuz every door slammed in my face just pushed me toward the one that opened, and it turned out to be a machine that finally said, Jesse, your life ain't a tragedy motherfucker, it's the funniest damn story I ever heard. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand-up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}