{"file": "audio/best/never-race-the-quiet-car.mp3", "duration_sec": 249.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 10.26, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line"}, {"start": 10.26, "end": 11.7, "text": "comedy club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 27.02, "text": "Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 28.18, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 36.61, "text": "Now, let me tell you about the greatest fucking toy a filthy minutes like me ever got his hands"}, {"start": 36.61, "end": 37.61, "text": "on."}, {"start": 37.61, "end": 45.62, "text": "My Tesla, 0 to 60 in 3 damn seconds you filthy animals."}, {"start": 45.62, "end": 50.22, "text": "And here's the beautiful part, motherfuckers, it's a sleeper, it's quiet, it looks like"}, {"start": 50.22, "end": 52.66, "text": "a soccer mom's grocery getter."}, {"start": 52.66, "end": 56.06, "text": "Nobody knows that under the hood is a rocket ship that'll rip the skin off your fucking"}, {"start": 56.06, "end": 60.22, "text": "face."}, {"start": 60.22, "end": 65.18, "text": "So I pull up to a light next to some cocky bastard in a loud ass muscle car, rev in"}, {"start": 65.18, "end": 71.1, "text": "his engine, looking over at my quiet little Tesla like, aww, you want some old man?"}, {"start": 71.1, "end": 78.33, "text": "And I just smile, oh I smile so damn wide."}, {"start": 78.33, "end": 85.37, "text": "Light turns green and I don't rev, I don't make a sound, I just tap that pedal and disappear."}, {"start": 85.37, "end": 86.37, "text": "Gone."}, {"start": 86.37, "end": 87.69, "text": "Vanished."}, {"start": 87.69, "end": 94.84, "text": "That loud prick is now a tiny screaming dot in my rear view mirror motherfuckers."}, {"start": 94.84, "end": 99.16, "text": "And I got the camera rolling the whole time because the best part ain't the speed, it's"}, {"start": 99.16, "end": 100.16, "text": "the face."}, {"start": 100.16, "end": 104.44, "text": "Their head snaps back like they got hit by a damn ghost and their whole expression goes,"}, {"start": 104.44, "end": 109.81, "text": "what the fuck just happened to my dignity?"}, {"start": 109.81, "end": 114.17, "text": "I got a whole video collection of grown men's souls leaving their bodies at a green light,"}, {"start": 114.17, "end": 118.69, "text": "their jaw drops, their head goes back and I'm just cackling like a filthy lunatic watching"}, {"start": 118.69, "end": 120.09, "text": "them shrinking my mirror."}, {"start": 120.09, "end": 127.98, "text": "It's the only time in my broke ass life I get to win, you degenerates."}, {"start": 127.98, "end": 133.82, "text": "50 years of losing at everything and now I got three seconds of pure..."}, {"start": 133.82, "end": 140.84, "text": "damn power over every cocky son of a bitch who thinks he can drive."}, {"start": 140.84, "end": 146.16, "text": "And the cussin' from inside that rocket, sealed windows, full immunity, I'm screaming,"}, {"start": 146.16, "end": 151.48, "text": "eat my dust, you slow ass, blinker broke license from a cereal box cocksucker and he can't"}, {"start": 151.48, "end": 158.89, "text": "hear a damn word, he's too busy picking his face up off the pavement."}, {"start": 158.89, "end": 163.13, "text": "These poor bastards never learn the number one rule of the road motherfuckers never race"}, {"start": 163.13, "end": 166.37, "text": "the quiet car, the loud ones are compensatin'."}, {"start": 166.37, "end": 170.32, "text": "The quiet ones the killer."}, {"start": 170.32, "end": 174.66, "text": "That's my therapy now folks, I can't afford a shrink so I just launch a Tesla past some"}, {"start": 174.66, "end": 179.4, "text": "tailgatan prick and watch his ego die in three fucking seconds, cheaper than pills and"}, {"start": 179.4, "end": 184.24, "text": "twice as satisfying."}, {"start": 184.24, "end": 189.18, "text": "So that's the lesson you filthy animals, life made me lose every damn race that mattered"}, {"start": 189.18, "end": 194.24, "text": "but put me at a red light next to some overconfident asshole and for three glorious seconds"}, {"start": 194.24, "end": 198.2, "text": "I'm the fastest, filthiest son of a bitch on the whole damn road."}, {"start": 198.2, "end": 200.64, "text": "The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 207.24, "end": 214.44, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every"}, {"start": 214.44, "end": 220.12, "text": "single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps"}, {"start": 220.12, "end": 227.24, "text": "down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated, can't"}, {"start": 227.24, "end": 232.56, "text": "sleep, we're up, going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 232.56, "end": 237.56, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 237.56, "end": 242.96, "text": "laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere"}, {"start": 242.96, "end": 246.4, "text": "out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 246.4, "end": 249.4, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him. It did not take. Now, let me tell you about the greatest fucking toy a filthy minutes like me ever got his hands on. My Tesla, 0 to 60 in 3 damn seconds you filthy animals. And here's the beautiful part, motherfuckers, it's a sleeper, it's quiet, it looks like a soccer mom's grocery getter. Nobody knows that under the hood is a rocket ship that'll rip the skin off your fucking face. So I pull up to a light next to some cocky bastard in a loud ass muscle car, rev in his engine, looking over at my quiet little Tesla like, aww, you want some old man? And I just smile, oh I smile so damn wide. Light turns green and I don't rev, I don't make a sound, I just tap that pedal and disappear. Gone. Vanished. That loud prick is now a tiny screaming dot in my rear view mirror motherfuckers. And I got the camera rolling the whole time because the best part ain't the speed, it's the face. Their head snaps back like they got hit by a damn ghost and their whole expression goes, what the fuck just happened to my dignity? I got a whole video collection of grown men's souls leaving their bodies at a green light, their jaw drops, their head goes back and I'm just cackling like a filthy lunatic watching them shrinking my mirror. It's the only time in my broke ass life I get to win, you degenerates. 50 years of losing at everything and now I got three seconds of pure... damn power over every cocky son of a bitch who thinks he can drive. And the cussin' from inside that rocket, sealed windows, full immunity, I'm screaming, eat my dust, you slow ass, blinker broke license from a cereal box cocksucker and he can't hear a damn word, he's too busy picking his face up off the pavement. These poor bastards never learn the number one rule of the road motherfuckers never race the quiet car, the loud ones are compensatin'. The quiet ones the killer. That's my therapy now folks, I can't afford a shrink so I just launch a Tesla past some tailgatan prick and watch his ego die in three fucking seconds, cheaper than pills and twice as satisfying. So that's the lesson you filthy animals, life made me lose every damn race that mattered but put me at a red light next to some overconfident asshole and for three glorious seconds I'm the fastest, filthiest son of a bitch on the whole damn road. The hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated, can't sleep, we're up, going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention, good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}