{"file": "audio/best/four-colors-of-a-filthy-life.mp3", "duration_sec": 357.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 36.44, "text": "Alright, you filthy degenerates. Tonight I'm going to explain my whole damn train wreck of a life."}, {"start": 36.44, "end": 45.16, "text": "And I'm going to do it with the four colors because every dumbass decision I ever made had a color on it."}, {"start": 45.16, "end": 49.16, "text": "See, there's four kinds of filthy people in this shit world motherfuckers."}, {"start": 49.16, "end": 57.16, "text": "Red the protector, blue the chameleon, green the thinker, and yellow the hugger. And me, I'm a red, a damn protector."}, {"start": 57.16, "end": 64.16, "text": "Which is a real fancy fucking way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it."}, {"start": 64.16, "end": 73.73, "text": "Red baby, that's the dumbass color that made me stand between my family and the fucking fire and eat the whole damn charge."}, {"start": 73.73, "end": 84.73, "text": "A green would have called a damn lawyer. A blue would have talked his slick ass out of it. Me? I'm a red, so I put my hand up like a jackass and said, yeah, that was me."}, {"start": 84.73, "end": 89.73, "text": "Protectors don't think motherfuckers. They leap usually off a fucking cliff."}, {"start": 89.73, "end": 98.9, "text": "Red is the dumb shit that made me turn down a millionaires, three fucking lambo's to protect a woman's feelings."}, {"start": 98.9, "end": 105.9, "text": "Red is why I rented 12 limos so my staff could feel important while I ate 99 cent tacos in the alley."}, {"start": 105.9, "end": 112.9, "text": "A red will go bankrupt making you feel like a king. That's not a personality. That's a damn medical condition."}, {"start": 115.54, "end": 121.54, "text": "Now the women in my life, they were blue. Comillions you filthy bastards. And let me tell you about blue."}, {"start": 121.54, "end": 129.54, "text": "Blue changes colors to match the room. Day one, she's an angel. She's fucking perfect. Laughing at all your dumb shit."}, {"start": 129.54, "end": 137.98, "text": "And then one day the light hits her different and boom, the blue chameleon turns into a fucking blue Godzilla."}, {"start": 137.98, "end": 141.98, "text": "Same damn woman, brand new fucking monster."}, {"start": 141.98, "end": 145.98, "text": "Where you been? Who's this? Why won't you marry me?"}, {"start": 145.98, "end": 152.98, "text": "I've watched a blue go from Snow White to a category five screamer in the time it takes to microwave a burrito."}, {"start": 152.98, "end": 159.28, "text": "But here's my dirty secret. I chase blue every damn time."}, {"start": 159.28, "end": 165.28, "text": "Cause a red protector needs somebody to protect. And a blue chameleon's got a new five alarm emergency every fucking Tuesday."}, {"start": 165.28, "end": 170.28, "text": "And my dumb ass shows up with a hose. We're a match made in bankruptcy court."}, {"start": 174.03, "end": 182.03, "text": "Then there's green, the thinker. And oh, I got just enough green in me to be a dangerous son of a bitch folks."}, {"start": 182.03, "end": 189.03, "text": "Green is the part of my brain that invented American Idol in 1999 with my third grade teacher as a judge."}, {"start": 189.03, "end": 197.79, "text": "Green is the genius that had every million dollar idea first, reality TV, online every damn thing."}, {"start": 197.79, "end": 202.79, "text": "And green is also the dumb bastard who spent the profits on limos and rings."}, {"start": 202.79, "end": 205.79, "text": "Green thinks big and red spends it all."}, {"start": 205.79, "end": 211.79, "text": "My two brain cells are in a knife fight, both of them bleeding and nobody's winning mother fuckers."}, {"start": 211.79, "end": 220.03, "text": "And finally, yellow, the hugger, the soft gooey love everybody center."}, {"start": 220.03, "end": 225.03, "text": "And this is the one that fucked me the hardest and the deepest you filthy animals."}, {"start": 226.03, "end": 228.03, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 228.03, "end": 231.03, "text": "Cause yellow is why I've been in love since I was 14."}, {"start": 231.03, "end": 243.03, "text": "Yellow is why I bought gifts for other people's kids, took care of the grandparents who raised me and handed my whole damn heart to women who doused it in gas and set the mother fucker on fire."}, {"start": 243.03, "end": 247.03, "text": "A yellow love so hard he'll hand you the fucking match and say thank you."}, {"start": 247.03, "end": 256.78, "text": "So that's me, mother fuckers. A red who takes the fall, chasing blue tornadoes with a green brain full of a million dollars."}, {"start": 256.78, "end": 266.78, "text": "I never kept a fucking penny of and a yellow heart that won't quit even after 50 years of getting stomped flat, mother fuckers."}, {"start": 266.78, "end": 271.96, "text": "That's the colors of my pain right there."}, {"start": 271.96, "end": 274.96, "text": "Every color painted on with a different heart break."}, {"start": 274.96, "end": 276.96, "text": "And you want to know the beautiful part?"}, {"start": 276.96, "end": 285.96, "text": "I'd rather be a broke filthy big-hearted red who felt everything than some cold dead-eyed green prick counting his money alone in a big empty fucking house."}, {"start": 286.96, "end": 292.3, "text": "So find out your color, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 292.3, "end": 298.3, "text": "Cause once you know why you keep making the same gorgeous filthy mistakes, you can at least laugh your ass off at him."}, {"start": 298.3, "end": 302.3, "text": "That's the whole game, the hammer, good night you filthy mother fuckers."}, {"start": 302.3, "end": 310.84, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 310.84, "end": 318.84, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 319.84, "end": 328.84, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 328.84, "end": 330.84, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 330.84, "end": 333.84, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 333.84, "end": 336.84, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 336.84, "end": 339.84, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 339.84, "end": 347.84, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 347.84, "end": 350.84, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 350.84, "end": 351.84, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Alright, you filthy degenerates. Tonight I'm going to explain my whole damn train wreck of a life. And I'm going to do it with the four colors because every dumbass decision I ever made had a color on it. See, there's four kinds of filthy people in this shit world motherfuckers. Red the protector, blue the chameleon, green the thinker, and yellow the hugger. And me, I'm a red, a damn protector. Which is a real fancy fucking way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it. Red baby, that's the dumbass color that made me stand between my family and the fucking fire and eat the whole damn charge. A green would have called a damn lawyer. A blue would have talked his slick ass out of it. Me? I'm a red, so I put my hand up like a jackass and said, yeah, that was me. Protectors don't think motherfuckers. They leap usually off a fucking cliff. Red is the dumb shit that made me turn down a millionaires, three fucking lambo's to protect a woman's feelings. Red is why I rented 12 limos so my staff could feel important while I ate 99 cent tacos in the alley. A red will go bankrupt making you feel like a king. That's not a personality. That's a damn medical condition. Now the women in my life, they were blue. Comillions you filthy bastards. And let me tell you about blue. Blue changes colors to match the room. Day one, she's an angel. She's fucking perfect. Laughing at all your dumb shit. And then one day the light hits her different and boom, the blue chameleon turns into a fucking blue Godzilla. Same damn woman, brand new fucking monster. Where you been? Who's this? Why won't you marry me? I've watched a blue go from Snow White to a category five screamer in the time it takes to microwave a burrito. But here's my dirty secret. I chase blue every damn time. Cause a red protector needs somebody to protect. And a blue chameleon's got a new five alarm emergency every fucking Tuesday. And my dumb ass shows up with a hose. We're a match made in bankruptcy court. Then there's green, the thinker. And oh, I got just enough green in me to be a dangerous son of a bitch folks. Green is the part of my brain that invented American Idol in 1999 with my third grade teacher as a judge. Green is the genius that had every million dollar idea first, reality TV, online every damn thing. And green is also the dumb bastard who spent the profits on limos and rings. Green thinks big and red spends it all. My two brain cells are in a knife fight, both of them bleeding and nobody's winning mother fuckers. And finally, yellow, the hugger, the soft gooey love everybody center. And this is the one that fucked me the hardest and the deepest you filthy animals. Oh! Cause yellow is why I've been in love since I was 14. Yellow is why I bought gifts for other people's kids, took care of the grandparents who raised me and handed my whole damn heart to women who doused it in gas and set the mother fucker on fire. A yellow love so hard he'll hand you the fucking match and say thank you. So that's me, mother fuckers. A red who takes the fall, chasing blue tornadoes with a green brain full of a million dollars. I never kept a fucking penny of and a yellow heart that won't quit even after 50 years of getting stomped flat, mother fuckers. That's the colors of my pain right there. Every color painted on with a different heart break. And you want to know the beautiful part? I'd rather be a broke filthy big-hearted red who felt everything than some cold dead-eyed green prick counting his money alone in a big empty fucking house. So find out your color, you beautiful degenerates. Cause once you know why you keep making the same gorgeous filthy mistakes, you can at least laugh your ass off at him. That's the whole game, the hammer, good night you filthy mother fuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}