{"file": "audio/2026-06-25-sfx-showcase/02_haunted_house_old_man_producer_master.mp3", "duration_sec": 72.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.86, "text": "Everybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun."}, {"start": 2.86, "end": 4.26, "text": "I already work in one."}, {"start": 4.26, "end": 6.76, "text": "It's called affordable pro home cleaners."}, {"start": 6.76, "end": 9.7, "text": "You ever walk into a house and the air itself says,"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.78, "text": "I was broken before you got here."}, {"start": 11.78, "end": 14.46, "text": "I cleaned a house today and almost got into a fist fight"}, {"start": 14.46, "end": 16.74, "text": "with an old man who could have been my dad."}, {"start": 16.74, "end": 19.24, "text": "This man pointed at a broken spot on the floor"}, {"start": 19.24, "end": 22.7, "text": "like I came in there with a mop and a demolition license."}, {"start": 22.7, "end": 25.9, "text": "Sir, I am a house cleaner, not a flooring assassin."}, {"start": 25.9, "end": 28.74, "text": "He looked at me like my swiffer had a criminal record."}, {"start": 28.74, "end": 30.82, "text": "You ever have somebody blame you so hard"}, {"start": 30.82, "end": 32.58, "text": "you start checking your own hands like."}, {"start": 32.58, "end": 35.26, "text": "Did I black out and remodel this room with hate?"}, {"start": 35.26, "end": 38.26, "text": "I said, sir, that was already broken when I got here."}, {"start": 38.26, "end": 40.1, "text": "He said, I was joking."}, {"start": 40.1, "end": 42.26, "text": "No, you were accusing me with seasoning."}, {"start": 42.26, "end": 43.74, "text": "That is not a joke."}, {"start": 43.74, "end": 46.06, "text": "That is a lawsuit wearing slippers."}, {"start": 46.06, "end": 48.3, "text": "Old men do this thing where they start a fight,"}, {"start": 48.3, "end": 51.14, "text": "lose the fight emotionally, then call it comedy."}, {"start": 51.14, "end": 52.66, "text": "That is not stand up."}, {"start": 52.66, "end": 54.94, "text": "That is a haunted customer service desk."}, {"start": 54.94, "end": 57.1, "text": "He said, I was just joking."}, {"start": 57.1, "end": 59.5, "text": "I said, a joke has a punch line."}, {"start": 59.5, "end": 62.62, "text": "You just held me hostage in a haunted home depot."}, {"start": 62.62, "end": 64.14, "text": "And that's the lesson."}, {"start": 64.14, "end": 67.42, "text": "The joke is over when everybody knows it's a joke."}, {"start": 67.42, "end": 70.86, "text": "If only one person is laughing, that is not comedy."}, {"start": 70.86, "end": 72.98, "text": "That is unpaid damage control."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverybody wants to go to a haunted house for fun. I already work in one. It's called affordable pro home cleaners. You ever walk into a house and the air itself says, I was broken before you got here. I cleaned a house today and almost got into a fist fight with an old man who could have been my dad. This man pointed at a broken spot on the floor like I came in there with a mop and a demolition license. Sir, I am a house cleaner, not a flooring assassin. He looked at me like my swiffer had a criminal record. You ever have somebody blame you so hard you start checking your own hands like. Did I black out and remodel this room with hate? I said, sir, that was already broken when I got here. He said, I was joking. No, you were accusing me with seasoning. That is not a joke. That is a lawsuit wearing slippers. Old men do this thing where they start a fight, lose the fight emotionally, then call it comedy. That is not stand up. That is a haunted customer service desk. He said, I was just joking. I said, a joke has a punch line. You just held me hostage in a haunted home depot. And that's the lesson. The joke is over when everybody knows it's a joke. If only one person is laughing, that is not comedy. That is unpaid damage control.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}